Name: Bill Burr | Baseball's Legacy of Cheating and the World Champion Houston Astros
Uploaded: 2020-01-22T22:41:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Baseball's Legacy of Cheating and the World Champion Houston Astros' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Baseball's Legacy of Cheating and the World Champion Houston Astros' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-22. Transcript available.

to fucking sit there this is my take on the houston thing why i don't have a
problem with
what they did okay i i still congratulate the world series champion 2017 houston
astros and
i'm gonna congratulate them for finally bringing a gun to a gunfight
all right who's kidding who now this is the thing all these fucking yankee fans
i'm fucking
hearing belly aching they're all acting like what houston did just fell out of
the fucking sky
everybody was playing by the rules and then all of a sudden houston sticks a
fucking camera in the
fucking wall or whatever the fuck's going on right that's not what happened
everybody first of all
they're not the first people to do it the shot heard around the world way back
in 1951 the giants
win the pennant the giants win the pennant the giants win the pennant they had
a fucking guy out
there with a telescope relaying signs in they've had tvs in the fucking dugout
the fucking camera is
behind the pitcher i literally want how many times you watch games and they're
focusing in on okay when
he does that that's a fastball like some ex-pitcher telling him what the
fucking signs are
okay and lastly baseball has been fucked up since 1994
okay they kind of rested on the laurels they were the fight that is that how
you say it resting on
your laurel or your laurels and hottie um they fucking were america's pastime
okay before they came along believe it or not it was horse racing and boxing
and then out of nowhere right baseball comes along right and starts chugging
along and all of a sudden
they are the game babe ruth jody maggio
hang greenberg
stan usual
willie stardew
willie mays
willie mcgee
willie willie willie
um all these fucking people come along right duke schneider
fucking whitey ford
mickey mantle
um roy campanella
peewee reese
phil risotto
ted williams
all these pete jackie robinson
dusty baker
raleigh fingers
ferguson jenkins
um sorry all of these people come along and everybody's watching
right
everybody's fucking watching and watching they are the number one sport
year in and fucking year out the biggest advertising aqua velva
uh fucking uh old spice all of this shit goes to the baseball players and then
somehow
in the fucking 1970s
all right after the greatest game ever
in 1958 i believe
when the colts played the giants and fucking yankee stadium
that was to be that was a turning point but baseball didn't realize it
on came football the afl and the nfl then they fucking merge
after joe willie
we're gonna win i'll guarantee it right
i won't kiss you
right
they win it
and then the fucking chiefs
come in i believe that they were the first like
you know when it was the nfl afl had merged
they win the fucking thing
and then what happened was the super stealers the dallas cowboys the dallas
cowboy cheerleaders come with their fucking titties wrapped in scarves
baseball didn't know what the fuck hit them
right and then they had all those awful baseball stadiums
well
then you see them on this weekend baseball
right they had these cookie cutter fucking stadiums
it just looked like she didn't know what the fuck it was anymore
and you had the raiders with ken stavely you had the pittsburgh steelers with
fucking terry bradshaw you had fucking you had roger star back
you had fucking fran targeting the purple people eaters the doomsday defense to
steal curtain
they came on with a vengeance
right
then the nba was where the nfl was the fucking decade before they're dealing
with the fucking aba everybody's stealing their stars
cocaine comes out
don't worry i got a point here
cocaine comes out decimates the fucking league
nfl passes the fucking mlb
right
and nba looks like it's going out then along come bird and magic
right
save the fucking nba
five six years into their career fucking jordan's coming along
you got the bad boys and then the fucking bulls
and what the fuck's going on at baseball
the fuck is going at different teams winning it every year
and just nothing's gonna yankees suck in the 80s it all fucking levels out
and everybody grows up on the showtime lakers and fucking jordan dunking on
people
and dan marino lighting up the fucking 85 bears on monday night football
wah-bah-bah-bah-bah boo-doo boo-doo right
it all got fucking exciting
and what happened baseball was a game in the past
most home runs ever hit babe ruth big fat white guy used to fuck hookers and
eat hot dogs and go out there
you'd throw a no hitter hit 19 fucking home runs in one game
most home runs ever hank greenberg 190
most games in a row
lou gehrig and then he died and he was happy it happened consider himself lucky
it was all
about fucking yesteryear it was a bunch of thousand year old white guys with
the fucking
records right and they came to a screeching
fucking halt in 1994 and they had a fucking strike
right and then they sat back and they looked at the game and they said what the
fuck happened
huh
why isn't anybody watching why doesn't anybody want to fucking play why are we
getting our fucking ass kicked
by the goddamn nba and the nfl and they were like you know the game's too
fucking slow
and what did they do they juiced up the fucking ball
they got they they fucking held all these goddamn towns hostage they got new
stadiums juiced up the ball
changed the dimension so there'd be more fucking offense the players started
doing roids they all
look the other fucking way right
cal ripkin jr breaks the fucking lou gehrig record thank you right
mcguire and sosa go on this roid run
and all the owners all look the other way as we all sat there as these fucking
gorillas came up knocking this fucking
racket ball
with fucking leather bound
over the fucking fence
right
then what happens oh fucking
george steinbrenner comes back from his fucking suspension
right and with his fucking money and influence somehow convinces the fucking
goddamn
ah look at the interception the end of the game
um convinces fucking baseball that it's okay
for a team to spend 200 million fucking dollars
and treat the bottom third of the league like their own fucking
you know farm teams and that's what the yankees did for 11 fucking years all
right and about
three years into that bullshit the red sox did the same fucking thing and we
both went out there
with 180 190 200 10 million dollar fucking teams littered with stars
from san diego kansas city pittsburgh all of these fucking milwaukee cleveland
took all their fucking stars
we went into their bordegas and we raided their shelves
that's what we did and we went out there with their fucking stars
roid it up
and we turned and we turned baseball into like a five team fucking league
and fucking the the yankees had a 200 million dollar team with free agents from
around the league
that were roided up for 11 straight seasons and they won three titles
okay the red sox did the same fucking thing and won four
so i say this if houston if they have to give back their 2017 now houston they
can't spend 200 million
dollars right there's my buddy my yankee fans are like but bill what they did
was legal
just because it lee it's legal doesn't mean it's fair
i mean corporations can fucking donate as much money as they want to every
political candidate out there
it's legal is it good is it good for democracy is it good for you and i
lunch pail louis no it is not so baseball was fucked up they allowed
fucking six teams to do whatever the fuck they wanted
with everybody else's team go in there
fucking burn down their fucking farmhouses and pour salt in the field and take
their best farmhands
inject them in the ass cheek with fucking roids
right with the juiced up fucking ball and when they went out there and it was
like you know
i mean and and all these sports leagues sat around and just watched it happen
it didn't all these
sports i'm sorry networks didn't say a thing i mean the yankees whenever they
would
win a championship espn who's supposed to be neutral would be like and all is
right in baseball
like wait a minute so the other 29 teams are just the supporting cast the are
we doing right
and then meanwhile the nba's gone off the rails right and then and then they
just keep trying to
recreate bird versus magic those teams that happened accidentally into the isaiah
bad boy pistons and
the fucking uh uh michael jordan and the bulls now they try to do that on
purpose
and they let guys like kevin durant join the other fucking team that they
almost beat in seven games
now now you just joined them i know that's a completely different story so here's
my thing
i don't have a fucking problem that uh a a tier two city that couldn't go out
and spend 200 million
fuck could not keep up with the uh you know the bigger market teams went out
and did what the
fuck they did i don't give a fuck all right i don't i don't have any fucking
problem with it i think it's
it's it's it's wrong it is cheating but i really don't think what's been going
on in baseball for
the last 15 years has actually been on the level and i think that they've tried
to fix it my here's my
thing i really believe that like um uh all sports at this point especially just
because of the
competition that's out there as far as you know you kids today you can play
video games you can stream
you can literally what do they call it cord cutting you don't even have to have
fucking cable anymore
and just have your apps and you can just disappear out of the sports world and
that scares the
shit out of them okay because these guys you know they got wives they got mistresses
they got yachts
they got teams and they got stadiums they got all of this shit they got a big
fucking nuts they need you guys to pay attention so i really believe that what
they do is they manipulate
they do what they can to make sure that the higher rated teams the higher rated
cities have the
best possible chance to end up in the big dance the best possible chance to
have the bird versus magic
um game every fucking year i 100 believe that and i don't give a fuck what
anybody says you cannot
convince me otherwise all right all the fucking rule changes that they've made
to try to make you know
every game like nfl games are never over like that fucking game 27 and nothing
when i was a kid that game
was fucking over you knew the packers were going to at least get within two
scores make it just close
enough so you'd hang in there and watch all the fucking commercials um
yeah every fucking suit i remember for like 15 years every super bowl was a
fucking blowout now
every single one seems to come down to the very end like i i don't know what
that's just doesn't make
any fucking sense to me i just think that it's it's it's you know and i'm not
saying that that there's
players are involved i just think that they do it through changing the rules
okay where you know you
can't like that stupid fucking patrick mahomes run for a touchdown he wouldn't
have done that
fucking 15 years ago they would have hit tackled him like a fucking running
back go back and look at
the tackling on that plate like they are so conscious that it's a fucking
quarterback
that those last two guys let him go through him like like like like he's like
he's fucking they're
butter um they should have lit him up i don't know so anyway that's that's my
whole take
on that thing and i without a doubt i think that uh
you know they always like this whole stupid thing down in nothing i love to is
this whole
fucking thing down in houston is that it's alex core he was the guy you know
anytime people get
caught they always pick like there's always the ollie north guy like remember
that you know arms for
hostages that whole huge fucking goddamn there's like three countries involved
all right like i i believe it was us and then giving fucking weapons to
somebody in the middle
east so we get hostages out of the out of central america something crazy and
it was just one guy
one guy sitting at his desk um i don't believe for one second that the
ownership
uh of any team didn't know that someone was cutting a hole and sticking a
fucking camera although i
i don't know the devices are fucking crazy now when the red sox got busted
using fucking eye watches
a couple years ago there was an investigation um but i would stop short of
actually think they didn't
i don't think they wore a wire i don't think they think that's fucking nuts i
think that they you know
did what they did and i don't think like you could only have players involved
so much
because think about it i don't think every player knows the only way you you
just tell the players
you know you're not going to be trading right i mean how do you do that that's
my thing okay once
you get it to that level like the way players leave one team to another how do
you keep that under wraps
if everybody in the astros knew that was going down the amount of people who at
the trade deadline just
left then if they just had one guy fucking leave or one guy gets cut and then
he gets mad like that
fucking cunt at smu that fucked that football program he gets mad and then
blows the whistle then you're
fucked so i don't know all i'm saying is that baseball has been fucked up for a
long time
and every time i go to pittsburgh it breaks my heart to see the pirates where
they're at
and it's such a great sports town and that people are like you know my
grandfather took my dad to the
games and then my dad took me to the games and now i want to take my son to the
game but my son doesn't
want to go because the pirates suck every fucking year and the owners just take
the fucking payoff
um you know which is also on them but i just you know i don't it's not the way
to run a
fucking league so i feel like in conclusion if you're going to let top teams
spend as much
fucking money as they want and then pay off the lower teams and take all their
fucking stars it's
inevitable that somebody else is going to try to do something else to try to
level the playing field
um all right so there you go there you go and i also hate to tell you people
have been stealing signs
forever forever
it doesn't automatically make you win um that's another thing that's another
like
i don't know i mean if you can't hit the curveball you can't hit the fucking
curveball
that's just it and here's another thing too everybody knew what mariano rivera
was everybody
knew he was coming with the cut fastball you didn't need to steal signs they
still couldn't
fucking hit it so um i'm not saying it's not cheating but like the level of
weight that they're
putting this on why all of these sports channels while they just look the other
way at what teams like
the red sox and yankees and even the fucking dodgers all the money that they've
spent and the
fucking people that they've signed and all of that shit these super fucking
teams that have put together
and they're acting like it's competition is uh it's bullshit i feel like uh you
know i feel like that
was just desserts that that fucking happened um i still think it's bullshit i
mean it's definitely
fucking cheating but i mean come on i mean man am i really gonna sit here as a
red sox fan and act like
the fact that you know the red sox yankees and phillies the way we decimated
the cleveland indians
and we all won titles you know with was it cliff lee jim tomey uh manny ramirez
cc sabathia cc sabathia
was complaining on his podcast i love cc but he also fucking left cleveland and
piled on with the
yankees joined those free agents and you know there was a couple of high
profile guys in that team that
were on steroids you know uh you know if you're gonna bitch about well you
gotta bitch about everything
at that point right i'm probably not making sense to you but that's that's just
how i feel that's you
you know what this is just a guy who hasn't played organized sports in fucking
30 something
fucking years all right

Bill Burr | Baseball's Legacy of Cheating and the World Champion Houston Astros

to fucking sit there this is my take on the houston thing why i don't have a
problem with
what they did okay i i still congratulate the world series champion 2017 houston
astros and
i'm gonna congratulate them for finally bringing a gun to a gunfight
all right who's kidding who now this is the thing all these fucking yankee fans
i'm fucking
hearing belly aching they're all acting like what houston did just fell out of
the fucking sky
everybody was playing by the rules and then all of a sudden houston sticks a
fucking camera in the
fucking wall or whatever the fuck's going on right that's not what happened
everybody first of all
they're not the first people to do it the shot heard around the world way back
in 1951 the giants
win the pennant the giants win the pennant the giants win the pennant they had
a fucking guy out
there with a telescope relaying signs in they've had tvs in the fucking dugout
the fucking camera is
behind the pitcher i literally want how many times you watch games and they're
focusing in on okay when
he does that that's a fastball like some ex-pitcher telling him what the
fucking signs are
okay and lastly baseball has been fucked up since 1994
okay they kind of rested on the laurels they were the fight that is that how
you say it resting on
your laurel or your laurels and hottie um they fucking were america's pastime
okay before they came along believe it or not it was horse racing and boxing
and then out of nowhere right baseball comes along right and starts chugging
along and all of a sudden
they are the game babe ruth jody maggio
hang greenberg
stan usual
willie stardew
willie mays
willie mcgee
willie willie willie
um all these fucking people come along right duke schneider
fucking whitey ford
mickey mantle
um roy campanella
peewee reese
phil risotto
ted williams
all these pete jackie robinson
dusty baker
raleigh fingers
ferguson jenkins
um sorry all of these people come along and everybody's watching
right
everybody's fucking watching and watching they are the number one sport
year in and fucking year out the biggest advertising aqua velva
uh fucking uh old spice all of this shit goes to the baseball players and then
somehow
in the fucking 1970s
all right after the greatest game ever
in 1958 i believe
when the colts played the giants and fucking yankee stadium
that was to be that was a turning point but baseball didn't realize it
on came football the afl and the nfl then they fucking merge
after joe willie
we're gonna win i'll guarantee it right
i won't kiss you
right
they win it
and then the fucking chiefs
come in i believe that they were the first like
you know when it was the nfl afl had merged
they win the fucking thing
and then what happened was the super stealers the dallas cowboys the dallas
cowboy cheerleaders come with their fucking titties wrapped in scarves
baseball didn't know what the fuck hit them
right and then they had all those awful baseball stadiums
well
then you see them on this weekend baseball
right they had these cookie cutter fucking stadiums
it just looked like she didn't know what the fuck it was anymore
and you had the raiders with ken stavely you had the pittsburgh steelers with
fucking terry bradshaw you had fucking you had roger star back
you had fucking fran targeting the purple people eaters the doomsday defense to
steal curtain
they came on with a vengeance
right
then the nba was where the nfl was the fucking decade before they're dealing
with the fucking aba everybody's stealing their stars
cocaine comes out
don't worry i got a point here
cocaine comes out decimates the fucking league
nfl passes the fucking mlb
right
and nba looks like it's going out then along come bird and magic
right
save the fucking nba
five six years into their career fucking jordan's coming along
you got the bad boys and then the fucking bulls
and what the fuck's going on at baseball
the fuck is going at different teams winning it every year
and just nothing's gonna yankees suck in the 80s it all fucking levels out
and everybody grows up on the showtime lakers and fucking jordan dunking on
people
and dan marino lighting up the fucking 85 bears on monday night football
wah-bah-bah-bah-bah boo-doo boo-doo right
it all got fucking exciting
and what happened baseball was a game in the past
most home runs ever hit babe ruth big fat white guy used to fuck hookers and
eat hot dogs and go out there
you'd throw a no hitter hit 19 fucking home runs in one game
most home runs ever hank greenberg 190
most games in a row
lou gehrig and then he died and he was happy it happened consider himself lucky
it was all
about fucking yesteryear it was a bunch of thousand year old white guys with
the fucking
records right and they came to a screeching
fucking halt in 1994 and they had a fucking strike
right and then they sat back and they looked at the game and they said what the
fuck happened
huh
why isn't anybody watching why doesn't anybody want to fucking play why are we
getting our fucking ass kicked
by the goddamn nba and the nfl and they were like you know the game's too
fucking slow
and what did they do they juiced up the fucking ball
they got they they fucking held all these goddamn towns hostage they got new
stadiums juiced up the ball
changed the dimension so there'd be more fucking offense the players started
doing roids they all
look the other fucking way right
cal ripkin jr breaks the fucking lou gehrig record thank you right
mcguire and sosa go on this roid run
and all the owners all look the other way as we all sat there as these fucking
gorillas came up knocking this fucking
racket ball
with fucking leather bound
over the fucking fence
right
then what happens oh fucking
george steinbrenner comes back from his fucking suspension
right and with his fucking money and influence somehow convinces the fucking
goddamn
ah look at the interception the end of the game
um convinces fucking baseball that it's okay
for a team to spend 200 million fucking dollars
and treat the bottom third of the league like their own fucking
you know farm teams and that's what the yankees did for 11 fucking years all
right and about
three years into that bullshit the red sox did the same fucking thing and we
both went out there
with 180 190 200 10 million dollar fucking teams littered with stars
from san diego kansas city pittsburgh all of these fucking milwaukee cleveland
took all their fucking stars
we went into their bordegas and we raided their shelves
that's what we did and we went out there with their fucking stars
roid it up
and we turned and we turned baseball into like a five team fucking league
and fucking the the yankees had a 200 million dollar team with free agents from
around the league
that were roided up for 11 straight seasons and they won three titles
okay the red sox did the same fucking thing and won four
so i say this if houston if they have to give back their 2017 now houston they
can't spend 200 million
dollars right there's my buddy my yankee fans are like but bill what they did
was legal
just because it lee it's legal doesn't mean it's fair
i mean corporations can fucking donate as much money as they want to every
political candidate out there
it's legal is it good is it good for democracy is it good for you and i
lunch pail louis no it is not so baseball was fucked up they allowed
fucking six teams to do whatever the fuck they wanted
with everybody else's team go in there
fucking burn down their fucking farmhouses and pour salt in the field and take
their best farmhands
inject them in the ass cheek with fucking roids
right with the juiced up fucking ball and when they went out there and it was
like you know
i mean and and all these sports leagues sat around and just watched it happen
it didn't all these
sports i'm sorry networks didn't say a thing i mean the yankees whenever they
would
win a championship espn who's supposed to be neutral would be like and all is
right in baseball
like wait a minute so the other 29 teams are just the supporting cast the are
we doing right
and then meanwhile the nba's gone off the rails right and then and then they
just keep trying to
recreate bird versus magic those teams that happened accidentally into the isaiah
bad boy pistons and
the fucking uh uh michael jordan and the bulls now they try to do that on
purpose
and they let guys like kevin durant join the other fucking team that they
almost beat in seven games
now now you just joined them i know that's a completely different story so here's
my thing
i don't have a fucking problem that uh a a tier two city that couldn't go out
and spend 200 million
fuck could not keep up with the uh you know the bigger market teams went out
and did what the
fuck they did i don't give a fuck all right i don't i don't have any fucking
problem with it i think it's
it's it's it's wrong it is cheating but i really don't think what's been going
on in baseball for
the last 15 years has actually been on the level and i think that they've tried
to fix it my here's my
thing i really believe that like um uh all sports at this point especially just
because of the
competition that's out there as far as you know you kids today you can play
video games you can stream
you can literally what do they call it cord cutting you don't even have to have
fucking cable anymore
and just have your apps and you can just disappear out of the sports world and
that scares the
shit out of them okay because these guys you know they got wives they got mistresses
they got yachts
they got teams and they got stadiums they got all of this shit they got a big
fucking nuts they need you guys to pay attention so i really believe that what
they do is they manipulate
they do what they can to make sure that the higher rated teams the higher rated
cities have the
best possible chance to end up in the big dance the best possible chance to
have the bird versus magic
um game every fucking year i 100 believe that and i don't give a fuck what
anybody says you cannot
convince me otherwise all right all the fucking rule changes that they've made
to try to make you know
every game like nfl games are never over like that fucking game 27 and nothing
when i was a kid that game
was fucking over you knew the packers were going to at least get within two
scores make it just close
enough so you'd hang in there and watch all the fucking commercials um
yeah every fucking suit i remember for like 15 years every super bowl was a
fucking blowout now
every single one seems to come down to the very end like i i don't know what
that's just doesn't make
any fucking sense to me i just think that it's it's it's you know and i'm not
saying that that there's
players are involved i just think that they do it through changing the rules
okay where you know you
can't like that stupid fucking patrick mahomes run for a touchdown he wouldn't
have done that
fucking 15 years ago they would have hit tackled him like a fucking running
back go back and look at
the tackling on that plate like they are so conscious that it's a fucking
quarterback
that those last two guys let him go through him like like like like he's like
he's fucking they're
butter um they should have lit him up i don't know so anyway that's that's my
whole take
on that thing and i without a doubt i think that uh
you know they always like this whole stupid thing down in nothing i love to is
this whole
fucking thing down in houston is that it's alex core he was the guy you know
anytime people get
caught they always pick like there's always the ollie north guy like remember
that you know arms for
hostages that whole huge fucking goddamn there's like three countries involved
all right like i i believe it was us and then giving fucking weapons to
somebody in the middle
east so we get hostages out of the out of central america something crazy and
it was just one guy
one guy sitting at his desk um i don't believe for one second that the
ownership
uh of any team didn't know that someone was cutting a hole a