Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-20
Uploaded: 2020-01-27T23:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-27. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 27th, 2020.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How are ya people?
I hope you're having a good day, despite the fucking horrible day that it was
yesterday.
I'll get into that later. I'll try to make you laugh first, as opposed to
fucking dwelling on that.
Fucking horrific, horrific, horrific shit.
But now I brought it up. How do I segue? Well, I'm in New York City right now.
Home of the fucking, oh, the greatest fucking slice of pizza you have a fucking
head.
According to people here, and then people in Chicago, oh, it's not big enough.
It's not deep enough. You know what I mean?
I just feel New York's pizzas just, like, surfaced.
You know, Chicago pizza just has so much more depth to it.
Um, I love when fat fucks sit there and argue about pizza.
You know what I mean?
That's, like, a great thing.
That's another great thing about living in a first world country.
You can get into a fist fight over who has a better slice of pizza for your fat
fucking dad bod.
They use too many fucking anchovies.
Just eat your slice and shut the fuck up.
Just be happy you didn't have to walk five miles for fresh water.
Your tubs of shit.
But having said that, if you can recommend some good pizza, oh, Freckles here
is all about it.
I'll go try and get me some.
Get me some of that.
Get me some of that fucking pizza.
Uh, yeah, I just got here.
I took the red eye.
Um, I do what I do a lot when I go to the airport.
Bill, what is it that you do at the airport?
Well, I put on my fucking headphones and I listen to some music.
And as I listen to the music, I start fantasizing that I'm the person doing it,
you know?
And I just sort of drift off into, uh, you know, me shirtless, singing some
rock song, you know?
Nobody commenting on my alabaster torso.
Actually enjoying it.
Attracted to it on some level.
You know, I just disappear into my freckled fantasy.
And then all of a sudden, I'm like, wow, there's like nobody here in the
terminal.
And then I look and they're already on group three.
And I'm like, ah, fuck.
Ah, fuck, man.
I'm group one.
All the overhead compartment space is going to be gone.
So I get on the fucking plane.
I flew, uh, I flew in.
It was an old plane.
It was a wide body.
Notice I said that.
I didn't say fat.
I didn't try to, uh, I didn't try to body shame this airplane.
The old two, four, two, four in the middle, two on the, on the sides, right?
And I get there.
And of course, everything's all fucking taken up.
So I start doing my indignant white guy shit.
Really?
I paid for a first class ticket.
I can't get overhead.
Fucking a Barbie space.
Sir, if you could just relax.
9-11.
Why are you being hostile?
Whatever the fuck they said.
I didn't flip out too much.
I was like, well, you know, I finally figured out a way to do it, right?
I had to like stick it in diagonally.
And then I tried to jam my backpack up there because there was no room for it
underneath the seat, which I would have done, but there wasn't any room.
And I finally get the thing fucking closed.
And then comes this guy who's sitting, you know, next to me.
You know, just an unfortunate looking human being.
You know, you ever see somebody that's older and despite the fact that they're
older, you don't even give them a break.
You're just looking at them like this person was never good looking.
This person was born a four, stayed a four, is still a four.
Like aging actually helped him.
You know what I mean?
He just had those fucking, you know, those fish eyes.
Like too far apart, fucking sort of hanging down at a like 45 degree angle.
Like he used to have a fish head and then somebody fucking squeezed it into
making it round.
He shows, yeah, he's fucking got the receding hairline, but he hasn't shaved
the head.
So he just, you know, he looks like a character actor from a 1970s gritty
fucking movie.
You know, when you look, that guy was in everything.
What the fuck's his name?
That's what he looked like, right?
Stupid pants, fucking top of his ass crack hanging out.
I'm just, oh, this motherfucker here.
What does he do?
He comes head on a fucking swivel, right?
And you know the deal when you're on a plane, if the compartment is closed,
that means it's full.
Right?
I'm not going to lie to you.
I opened one in vain once I saw it.
But I closed the fucking thing.
Now mine, because I had to stick my bag in an angle and also get my backpack up
there.
And of course, the cunt also put his fucking jacket up there.
You know, it was a lot of, you know, trying to stuff it in there to get it
closed.
I finally get it closed.
What does old fish head do?
He fucking reaches right up and he opens it up.
And I'm just sitting there going, he's in my head.
I immediately said, he's not going to fucking be able to get it closed.
He's not strong enough.
All right?
Fish people do not do pushups.
He's not going to have the tricep fucking strength that he's going to need to
close this fucking thing.
And I sat there like the wise, old, bald man that I am.
And I watched him make two of the most pathetic attempts.
You remember the first time you tried to do a pull-up?
If you'd never done one in your life.
It's like those fucking muscles, they're not even developed.
You don't ever use them.
You don't like, it's like you got a fucking bar over your bed and you pull
yourself up in the morning.
You never use those fucking, whatever muscles those are.
I remember the first time I tried to do a pull-up, it was like my back was
paralyzed.
You know, you have to fucking start, I don't know, wiggling around like a
fucking goddamn bug caught in a spider web, you know?
Kicking your feet, trying to get up and over the bar.
So this fucking guy, right?
He comes back down.
Comes back down.
And he sort of stares at it and then looks around.
I'm like, yeah, that's right, fish head.
You're not going to fucking try and close it, are you?
You're not, right?
So then he moves.
So I do my big first class exhale.
I go, ah, right?
Big time caddy.
If I had, if I fucking ever had long hair, if I had hair, I would have given a
big fucking hair flip.
Okay?
I was going full fucking chick attitude on this one.
And then I got up and it took me like three attempts.
I had to stuff that fucking guy's stupid.
What are those fucking puffy coats everybody has?
They used to be huge when I was a kid.
Then they figured out this new technology.
So now they're really small.
So everybody threw out the big ones.
Remember the big ones and the feathers would all settle down below?
Your fucking waist and balls would be sweating, but your shoulders, you'd have
frostbite.
Remember that shit?
North face.
His little fucking north face.
Oh, fish face.
Didn't tuck back in the fucking north face.
So now I got to push the, I finally get it all tucked back in.
And I sit down and who comes walking in now?
Some old guy.
You can't get mad at old people.
They're all, he's going to be dead soon.
Right?
So he fucking comes in.
He reaches up.
He opens it.
Nah, I feel bad.
You're not going to get it.
So he fucking does it.
And I just go, Jesus Christ.
I get back up again.
I walk on.
Trying to get it closed.
Tucking the fucking jacket back in.
And I finally muttering to myself.
I'm going to fucking have to do this nine month fucking cock sucking time.
I pay for a fucking first class ticket, right?
And it fucking closed the thing.
And I didn't realize the old guy was right behind me.
And he goes, he goes, oh, thanks a lot.
And I just go, yeah, don't worry.
I don't have to go to the gym now.
Ha, ha, ha.
You know, try to play it off.
Like I wasn't a fucking angry red cunt.
But I am.
But I am.
So that was me pushing my bag, by the way.
It wasn't me fucking.
Have you guys always think any sound on this is me fucking.
Just like I just sit here passing gas all the time.
Listen.
That's what that was.
Okay.
It was a bag fucking moving.
So anyway, now I'm here in here in New York.
Yeah.
I might as well talk about it.
It was fucking terrible day yesterday, man.
For everybody.
Obviously.
Unfucking believable.
I don't even know what to say.
I cannot believe.
Kobe Bryant is gone, man.
And he, oh, with this beautiful daughter, too, who I didn't know anything about,
like most people.
Gianna Bryant.
I was reading all this stuff about how, you know, she was playing hoop and he
was coaching her.
And she wanted to go to Connecticut, that great program, and then go to the WNBA.
And I was just thinking about how the WNBA, the problem with it is they haven't
had their Bill Russells or Chamberlains, Oscar Robinson, Kareem, Bird, Magic
Jordan, Taco Fall.
Right?
They haven't had, because nobody's watching it.
Right?
I do a bit about this on my Madison Square Garden album that's coming out.
I finally finished editing that thing.
How all these fucking feminists out there, bitch moaning and fucking
complaining.
Fucking broads, man.
I'm telling you.
All they do is bitch moan and complain.
And they complain about fucking guys.
Their number one fucking problem is they don't support each other.
You got a whole fucking, you're standing there on the fucking sidelines of a
football game, freezing your fucking ass off, talking about guys, you know,
running after angry coaches that are down by 20 at halftime.
Where the fuck, why don't you go to the WNBA?
Huh?
Because they don't want to build it.
They want to show up when it's done, after a bunch of guys died building the
fucking bridge,
and then they want to name it after some chick who didn't shave her fucking twat.
That's, that's, that's feminine.
That's feminism right there.
I'm just saying, I don't understand why they don't support it.
You know, if you're really all about broads, why don't you go watch them play
hoop and start selling out arena?
It's arenas with a bunch of fucking women screaming, watching women play
basketball, and then they'll get the NBA contracts if you just would show up.
No, that's not how they work.
They want to go in and ruin a guy's, oh, there's a bunch of guys sitting around
watching a game having a good day.
You have to be sensitive now that I'm here.
Why don't you fuck off and watch the WNBA?
Where is this going, Bill?
This is supposed to be some sort of tribute.
Anyways, just, I don't know.
I'm just trying to be extra stupid and funny today just because it's just so,
it's just so fucking brutal.
And sympathies out to the, I hope I say, these are like names, I'm going to
fuck these up.
The Alto Belli family, John, Kerry, and Alyssa.
And they have like a sister, they have a son and another son and a daughter.
And those two poor kids lost a sister, their mother and their father, man.
It's just fucking brutal.
Sarah and Peyton Chester.
And then Kobe's assistant coach, Christina Mauser.
And then the pilot, Ara Zobayan.
I hope I said that right, man.
Just condolences to anybody who knew them.
It's just fucking brutal.
I got to tell you, as a Celtics fan, I can't believe Kobe's gone.
Because I was, it's just, Kobe just won.
He always wins.
And I think like a lot of people, just seeing somebody like that get taken, you're
just like, yeah, that really can just happen to anybody at any time, man.
Shout out to the BBC.
I hope you guys are doing all right.
You know, I don't know how you shake that one off.
I really do not know how you don't know what Kobe Bryant looks like.
And you show LeBron James footage.
They actually, I started to watch the clip.
It was so fucking embarrassing.
They show Kobe Bryant with his daughter, Gianna.
Every picture, like the two of them.
I mean, I got to tell you, those pictures is my goal with my daughter.
And she was smiling like that.
Anybody can make a three-year-old.
If you're a three-year-old's father, she's going to have an ear-to-ear grin
when you show up.
But when they're 13 and they're still smiling like that, you're a hell of a
father.
So I hope I pull that off at some point.
But so they have this amazing picture of Kobe and his lovely