Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-20
Uploaded: 2020-02-10T18:56:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-10. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, February 10th, 2010.
What's going on? How are you?
Fucking piece of fuzz on my goddamn windscreen here.
Why don't I have a windscreen?
You know, inside the house.
In case you turn on the air conditioner, huh?
You fucking warm, freckled cunt there.
How's your life? How's it going?
I don't have shit to talk about this week, everybody.
So, you know what? Why don't we let you go first?
I actually have a few things to plug here.
Old Billy Bonzo face here.
I'm going to be playing drums on the Dean Del Rey's Bon Scott Tribute.
It's going to be March 10th at 7 p.m. here in Hollywood, California at the Avalon.
You can go to avalonhollywood.com for tickets.
It's going to be the usual rock star studded lineup.
I don't know who I can announce, who I can't announce.
I don't know yet as the date gets closer.
Now, the last time we did this was a couple years ago.
And I got to jam with Nikki Sixx and Michael Devin and Scott Ian and all these
amazing people.
Dean always brings them out.
Last time before that was like Rudy Sarzo.
All kinds of amazing players.
And, you know, people always think that it's, you know, oh, they're going to do
a stand-up show first, which we are.
And then there's going to be some half-assed, like, fucking rock show
afterwards.
It's an incredible stand-up show.
And then the rock show afterwards.
It's just fucking unbelievable.
It was, the first one was incredible.
The next one was even more amazing.
And then this one, I talked to a few people that I think are coming down.
You know, busy people, people touring and shit trying to make it happen.
But it's going to be fucking insane.
Be there.
March 10th, 7 p.m. at the Avalon in Hollywood.
Dean Del Rey's Bon Scott tribute.
It's been 40 years since one of the great front men in rock history, Bon Scott,
unfortunately, passed away prematurely.
So, anyway, you know, plowing ahead, plowing ahead.
What the hell do I want?
Oh, and also, I got another thing to, look at me.
I'm old Billy Promo here.
The Bill Burt Podcast.
Episode 4 dropped last week.
Episode 5 is dropping next week.
As you can tell, I didn't write that copy because I don't say drops.
I do say, you know, hit me back when you get a chance.
I will say that.
But I try not to go too fucking young person, you know, that's young person
shit.
By the way, I posted something because I was watching some of that XFL.
Very little, but I was watching it.
And I've always been a big fan of new leagues and rooting for them because I
miss the AFL and I miss the ABA and I miss the WHL.
And the only thing I got to see was the USFL.
And I went to a game, the Boston Breakers versus the Washington Federals at
Nickerson Field and was sold out, by the way.
But by then, the NFL was just so established that there was really nothing that
could fuck with it.
And I was looking at the XFL and I was, you know, there was a few of them like
the Dallas Renegades.
Their helmet is the shit.
So all I do is I fucking, I try to screen grab whatever the fucking kids call
it.
And I just posted it onto my Twitter and the amount of shit that I got, shit,
the amount of shit that I got was ridiculous.
All I said, I go, they got a sick fucking logo.
They stole it from the Ottawa Renegades.
I look at the Ottawa one.
There's some similarities except theirs stinks and Dallas's is awesome.
So if they stole it from you, they fucking took it to another level.
Let's not act like Ottawa pulled that thing out of their ass.
A fucking demon looking cowboy with a bandana over his fucking nose.
Didn't they steal that from every spaghetti Western that Clint Eastwood was
ever in?
Sorry, had to get a drink of water.
Oh, I got my fucking blood going.
God forbid you say you like something.
It was just overwhelmingly negative.
Everybody was saying it was awful.
And then people were just sitting there going like, the fucking uniforms.
I feel like I'm watching like, I don't know what, like any given Sunday.
It's like, if you really look at the NFL, a lot of their uniforms look like
something you'd see on any given Sunday.
You're just used to it.
Okay, I'll start with my team.
The New England Patriots.
Terrible uniform.
Terrible logo.
Terrible colors.
That silver with the blue and the red.
I fucking hate it.
I like it because I associate it with winning.
And when they go back to the old fucking, you know, Paul Revere, you know, bent
over, getting the fucking ball on the side of their helmet with the red jerseys.
I look at those and I get sick to my stomach because I think, you know, I go
back.
Like anytime Tom Brady would wear it, I'd be like, take that fucking thing off.
You're going to jinx yourself.
Okay, the Seattle Seahawks.
Terrible.
Terrible fucking uniform.
The Denver Broncos.
You're telling me these all don't look like expansion franchises?
Who else?
Who else has a bad one?
Houston Texans.
The fucking, the Titans.
All of those look like just fucking like, I don't know.
And then you get other ones that are just so goddamn plain, but you're used to
them.
Like the Vikings and the Packers and the Bears.
They have like a history behind them.
But if they just came out, you'd be like, these are like the lamest, like, this
is like when they first got a computer and they discovered emojis.
People would be shitting all over those too.
So I love a, uh, a random, uh, league going up and I'm not mad at watching
football 12 months out of the year.
Um, you know, and then a new league always has like some cool rules.
I saw this, like they kicked the fucking ball out of bounds on the kickoff
after a score and they put the ball on the team that kicked it off.
They put it on their 45 yard line.
So immediately it was this massive, massive fuck up.
I like when they do shit like that and they're over time is each person gets
like the ball, like either four or six times.
Verzi was telling me, and you try to convert six out of six, uh, two point
conversion.
Sorry.
They're watching the Oscars downstairs, which is the perfect time for me to do
my podcast.
And it is a perfect time because I won't get into a fight because whenever I
watch award shows, I always get into fights with Nia because I just watched it
on TV and I make fun of it.
And, and she really, really loves it.
She's really into it.
So I got to make sure that I, I don't ruin it for her because they were
downstairs.
My mother-in-law, everybody's over, right?
So I was downstairs.
I poked my head and, you know, and they had all the, you know, the poor fucking
women, right?
On the red carpet, just starving themselves for weeks on end.
You can see their rib cage all the way up to their fucking larynx, right?
Everybody on E is dressed up like they're nominated for something.
It was fucking hilarious.
And, uh, yeah, I just felt bad for him because then everybody picks him apart
and all that type of shit.
And I was really sitting there looking at it.
And I finally just said, just out of curiosity, because they, because they were
shitting on this one woman's dress saying it was the color of bile, whatever
color that is.
Right.
And then another woman comes out, it's the exact same fucking fabric and they
love that one.
So I just said, just out of curiosity, what is the difference between that
dress and the last dress other than the color and the, you know,
my mother-in-law left because she's the coolest person ever.
Right.
But the look that I got from all the, you know, chicks there, my wife's age and
younger, that generation, they all looked at me like,
oh my God, that's like a fucking Chanel.
And that up there is a fucking Vera Wang.
It's like all, I don't know.
So, um, and then the next person they showed, they showed some movie star guy
who was wearing a tuxedo.
I was like, oh my God, now that is a bow tie.
That's another great thing about being a guy.
You just throw on the fucking tuxedo.
They don't, they have no fucking idea whether you went down to fucking Teddy's
tuxedo or you actually bought some, I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't think.
Right.
It's fucking great.
Being a guy is great.
And that's why women are constantly fucking bitching.
Constantly.
You know what I mean?
It all comes down to no matter what they're complaining about, just know in the
back of their head, they know that if your wife knows that if you were walking
on a red carpet,
all you'd have to do is take a shower and shave and throw on the same fucking tuxedo
every other guy has and you will not be judged.
Just lay off the booze for fucking seven to 10 days and you're going to look
like a million bucks and the fucking 1200 miles of shit that a woman has to go
through to try to look her best.
Seeing stars puking behind dumpsters just to have some fucking guy, you know,
fucking tear the shit out of you.
It really is a thankless job.
So I came up right as the, um, right as the, uh, uh, the thing started and Janelle
Monier was out there and she came out dressed as Mr. Rogers.
And I have to say, as a white person, I was offended with that reverse cultural
appropriation.
Okay.
Mr. Rogers was white.
Okay.
Let's not blackwash white history.
All right.
Then I got upstairs.
I was like, wait a minute.
Didn't they make a movie about it?
There was a documentary that I saw.
So maybe that was a nod to that.
Cause it probably got nominated.
Cause I think it was really good.
I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
But, um, I think it's going to be another long night of people making
everything about themselves.
I want to thank the Academy and as a, you know, a fucking left-handed hermaphrodite
with the speech impediment.
I just want to say, you know, it's going to be all of that.
It's like, you got an award.
What are you?
You're famous.
What is the problem?
You're making millions.
What is the problem?
What it is, is you got to say something crazy or else you just get lost in the
shuffle.
I get it.
Like, I don't even think half of those people are serious.
It's just, they're trying to get as much as they can out of that moment.
They don't give a shit about the dolphins, right?
They don't give a fuck about, uh, one-legged little people living under bridges,
whatever the fuck their cause is.
What they care about is that their speech is going to go viral.
So with any luck, you were touched funny as a little person, right?
As a kid.
And you can go up there and you can tell that story.
Because, you know, the band's not going to start playing if you start telling a
story about getting touched.
There's a strategy to this, okay?
If you just go up there and just be like, man, I cannot believe, I mean, I
never would have thought a million years I'd be up here.
And the only reason why I'm up here is because of a zillion other people's hard
work, editing and putting music underneath me.
And the people who wrote the stuff that I said, God bless all of you because I'm
getting the victory.
But it's, you know, it's really you guys.
If you just say that, that speech is never going to exist.
You'll never see it again.
You'll see it on boring.com the next day.
But if you fucking go up there and talk about how you lost a toe to diabetes
when you were at a rally to save fucking, I don't know, fucking one of those
frogs.
I'm trying to think the fucking TCU.
Come on, frogs.
What are they?
The horned frogs?
Trying to save horned frogs?
You lost a fucking toe?
Some shit like that.
Some about global warming.
Okay.
Being a victim of a creepy guy.
Some sort of disease.
Any of that shit.
You got to work that into your speech or there's just, you're going to get lost
in the zeitgeist.
Did I use that word correctly?
I always say that word when they talk about shit like that.
So anyway, they're downstairs watching that shit.
And what I'm going to do is I'm going to do my podcast, right?
And then I'm going to slip away, right?
Play little drums, and then I'm going to go out and go do a fucking spot.
That's what I'm going to do.
I'm not really slipping away.
She knows that's what