Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-20
Uploaded: 2020-02-13T23:53:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-13. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in to see how your week's going. Is it going well? Is it
going in a direction that you wanted to be going in?
You're going somewhere. Is it where you want to be going?
You know, people, when we get on these tracks in life and we feel the direction
of our lives not going in the direction we wanted to go in,
you know, it's high time that somebody lets you know that you have the power to
stop that train, to turn it around in the tracks.
Even though this metaphor makes no sense, you can't turn a fucking train around.
How do you turn a train around? You got to go to a train yard, right?
You got to get a bunch of people that are missing digits, right, to disconnect
some shit, right?
You know, I think all the cars stay where they are, and then they disconnect
the locomotive, and that thing just bangs a little Huey there.
Because if you try to bang them, well, they're all in a track.
I got to be honest with you. I don't know how you do it.
But I'm here to fix your life.
What is it about?
I want to, you know, I'm going to get out of this whole fucking comedy business,
and I'm just going to fucking, you know,
I got to get into the Joel Osteen world.
I am so fucking envious of that guy.
That guy is a fucking genius.
He sells out a basketball arena every single Sunday.
Once a week, he does an arena gig.
Everybody's talking about Kevin Hart's doing a football scene.
This fucking guy sells out an arena every single Sunday.
That's a tough day to sell an arena, okay?
People are hungover from Friday and Saturday.
He sells out where the Houston Rockets used to play.
He bought that thing, put down some electric blue carpet, and everybody comes
to him.
He sells out a basketball arena every single week, the same fucking arena.
He doesn't have to go on the road, you know?
He's not going to George W. Bush Airport, George Herbert Walker, fucking
whatever.
International Airport.
Right next to Halliburton, that now is called Larry's fucking Widgets.
Whatever the fuck they call it down there, right?
This motherfucker just sits there, and he lets the crowd come to him.
You know, he's got his own private Branson, Missouri.
His own Las Vegas.
They come from miles around, and their shiny pickup trucks, their girlfriend's
named Darla, right?
All fucking made up.
Just an ozone layer of perfume.
Just walk it into that fucking place.
And he goes up there, right?
His fucking eyes closed.
You know?
And just tells these people what they want to hear.
That's the business I want to get in.
He doesn't have to pay to rent the fucking thing out.
And it's also a religion, so he probably doesn't pay any taxes.
He's got his own TV show, so you know he has groupies.
I mean, this guy, I mean, write down the checklist.
Everybody's talking about Ford versus Ferrari, and how Ford came up with this
amazing sports car that beat Ferrari.
What about Joel Osteen versus every fucking entertainer in this country?
You know?
And, you know, you got your Vegas acts that are there doing a residency, but
they don't own the casino.
Joel Osteen went out, and he bought his own Flamingo.
And he headlines it 52 Sundays a year.
He's got his own TV show.
He's got his own radio show.
He's like that guy there, Ryan Seacrest.
Except I don't think Ryan Seacrest could sell out the Staples Center every
single weekend.
52 Sundays in a row.
Doing his version of fucking rocking New Year's Eve in the top 40.
There's only one guy in this country that can do it.
That's Joel Osteen.
And I think it's high time when Forbes talks about the highest grossing
entertainers out there that they stick this guy at the top of the fucking list.
I don't even think Elvis could fucking play Houston 52 Sundays in a row at his
height.
Treat me like a fool.
I don't think him.
Oh, you never know.
Those same fucking people would come down there.
They go see him on a Saturday.
And then all those women would go down on Sunday to Joel Osteen's to confess
their sins.
Anyway, I don't know.
So anybody knows a fucking rundown arena?
Is the is the fucking the Silverdome in Michigan still available?
Get together with all things comedy.
We'll buy that.
And I'll just move to fucking Pontiac, Michigan.
Right.
I'll get an old Pontiac.
And I'll fucking drive it in every goddamn week.
And I will do my shit and dick jokes.
Wearing a suit.
With a red tie.
My eyes closed.
And I'll just tell you what you want to fucking hear.
Huh?
Let me just practice.
I got to practice my new act.
I mean, look at you.
You're listening to this podcast.
I mean, right there.
You know you're alive.
You know you're special.
You know that Jesus cares about you.
If he didn't care about you, why would he give you ears to listen to what I'm
saying to you right now?
And I'm just a vessel of his words.
And it's just coming from up high.
And it's just passing through me.
And it's going right into you.
It's like a virus, except it doesn't kill you.
It makes you live forever.
Praise Jesus.
Everybody put their hands together.
Put your hands together.
Everybody close your eyes.
Because for some reason, if your eyes are closed, you can't really see the
bullshit that's coming at you.
Speaking of bullshit coming at you.
Oh, Jesus.
Bernie Sanders.
He went into New Hampshire.
And he fucking won that goddamn primary, didn't he?
Whatever the fuck you call it.
He won that little fucking debate.
I don't understand why everybody just doesn't like that guy or the mainstream
media just won't get on the Bernie Sanders train.
As they sit there bitch moaning and complaining about Trump.
Now, I really think that they like the Trumps out there because it gives them
something to whine about.
If Donald Trump wasn't president, right, and Hillary Clinton won, what the fuck
would CNN have to talk about?
They already ball washed fucking Obama for eight years.
And then what do they do?
Ring out their fucking sponges and then continue with Hillary?
They needed him to go in.
Hey, look at me.
Say goodnight to the bad guy.
They needed that guy.
I'll tell you, he's having a hard time.
It's Fox News.
Those guys are having a tough time.
Well, you know something?
If the left would just leave Trump alone, then they'd have nothing to talk
about.
Because they have their ultimate guy.
Right?
He's out there.
You know?
He's got his trophy wife.
He's grabbing pussies.
He's shaking off lawsuits.
Right?
He's gluing that toupee on.
This is what the fuck they're all about.
And then it gives them the left loves it.
Because they get to be like, oh, my God.
Is this the worst thing ever?
As you sit there in your limited edition SUV with your fucking heated leather
seats.
You whining cunt.
I like Bernie Sanders, man.
I like Bernie Sanders versus Donald Trump.
Those are going to be the great.
That will be one of the greatest debates in the history of politics.
Okay?
You got a rogue righty and a rogue lefty.
The pay-per-view matchup that everybody wants to see.
It's going 12 rounds.
This is not going to be Mike Tyson versus the Spinks jinx.
Michael Spinks.
I'll never forget that.
Our pizza just arrived.
Yes.
Okay.
The old freckles.
He's fucking, you know what?
I'm doing an acting gig this week.
They, you know, I'm not supposed to talk about it.
But, you know, because you guys are VIP.
You know what I mean?
You board before Group 1 on Delta Airlines.
Those fucking silly cunts.
Right?
Fucking assholes.
You're not Group 1 if other groups board before you.
Anyway, I like that.
I like that, Group 1.
You're in Jesus, Group 1.
Except I go in first because I got an arena and I make him all kinds of money.
You know, when I first started preaching about Jesus, Jesus just wore a loincloth.
Now he's got a Sean John tracksuit because of me.
He's still got that loincloth underneath it.
Praise Jesus.
Anyway, I'm doing this.
We're doing a reboot of New Girl.
We're on the lead.
It's called New Guy, right?
And I, you know, I just moved to town.
I don't know anybody.
So I go out for tapas.
That's the pilot.
All right?
And I'll talk to you guys.
You know, I'll talk to you during my lunch hour here.
My lunch break.
Probably half hour.
Probably going to work through it.
I heard it's going to be a long day.
But in your world, it's just going to be a quick edit.
Right?
Wouldn't it be great if you could just edit the best parts of your life
together?
Just splice them and cut out the bad parts.
But, you know, as much as we want to do that, if we don't experience the pain,
then the pleasure, it just feels normal.
Close your eyes and thank Jesus for the pain in your life.
Praise Jesus.
I'll be back in just a moment.
You see?
And just like that, I'm back.
It's not my lunch break, though.
I just went and I did my little no hair and makeup.
You know, I was thinking about Joel Osteen.
Again, you know what it's like?
It's like he's agoraphobic, except with like traveling, you know, or like
performing.
Like he can't leave that place.
And, you know, now I'm starting to think, you know, now that I had a couple
minutes here while they painted my head, you know what I mean?
So the shine wouldn't fucking blind you on your big flat screen TV.
It's like, what?
Is that a meteor?
Huh?
Is that a fallen star?
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait.
It's just a pasty freckled fucking ginger.
Do you know that's actually a problem with my acting?
Like they tell me I can't move too quickly on screen because it'll like
literally, you know, all the people out there that are on edibles.
Like it just would trip them out if I fucking tripped them out.
Is that how the old people talk about fucking drugs?
It's tripping me out, man.
I'll fucking backtrace it.
Anyways, yeah, it's like he's fucking agoraphobic.
So now I'm actually thinking that, you know, he stayed in Houston too long.
So he's got to wonder, you know, am I too regional now?
Like does my act travel?
Like what if I went out, okay, and I took the equity that I have in the fucking
Houston Rockets place and then I bought the key arena in Seattle, right?
Where the Seattle Supersonics, where downtown Freddie Brown used to fucking
play, right?
What if I bought that thing?
Okay, and then like, I don't know, every other weekend I go to Seattle and I
try to get those sad, soaking wet lumberjacks with their Pearl Jam flannels,
right?
And their fucking high top Doc Martens to come in.
You know, he'd have to go a little Eddie Vedder when he got up there, you know?
He'd say, Jesus, I just, he'd have to, you know, you'd have to bring it down.
That's what grunge was, I thought.
Grunge was just singing lower.
Because I'm not going to lie to you, I have had serious satellite in my car for
like the last three, four years, and I just kind of kept on the same shit.
I listened to Howard Stern, the NHL channel, and then I had, these are my saved
thing.
I got Aussie's Boneyard, and then I had the 80s, the 70s, and the 60s, you know,
as far as like whatever, right?
So I just flipped through those things, and that was kind of it, and I'd listen
to Red Sox or Bruins games or whatever on the fucking really high channels.
So I started flipping through all these other ones, and I found this channel
called Hair Nation.
And it's like all the fucking hair metal and fucking, you know, cloned band
after band after band, you know?
They play a lot of the bad shit, too, right?
So I was listening to it yesterday, right?
And this band, Tora Tora, came on.
And this fucking guy, you know, the band's fucking playing a little, noodling
around with the guitars in the beginning.
he does a little mm right and then right before they get to go into his like
fucking like a goddamn
fucking cat just screaming like a fucking alley cat and i was just like they
must have just been
up there in seattle because they were you know they were of a certain age right
they were a little
older than me they were like i'm so fucking sick of these fucking alley cats
you know we g