Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-20
Uploaded: 2020-02-17T22:49:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February fucking 17th!
What's going on? How are ya?
Ah, Jesus. Oh, busy Bill.
What's he gonna do now?
I'm fucking sitting in a car while my lovely daughter is in one of her classes
with her mother.
So this is the only time of day I have. This is a day off out here.
I don't know if you guys get the holiday. Is this MLK Day? Is this President's
Day? Is this Flags Day?
Huh? It's some day and I got today off, but you know what?
You know, when you're a parent, for all you non-parents out there, if I could
just talk down to you for a second about how difficult my life is
because I made the conscious choice to become a parent and now I'm gonna
lecture you as if you made the decision that I became a parent.
Is there anything worse than listening to these fucking asshole parents talking,
ah, you know, how hard it is and how deep it is and how much they love their
kids?
You know? I'm not saying I don't do it, but Jesus Christ. I should be allowed.
Everybody else shouldn't be.
In my world, I'm allowed to bitch. Nobody else is. You know? Isn't that how it
works?
Well, is it? Um, well, this is gonna suck because it's gonna eventually get
fucking hotter and hotter
in this goddamn car as I'm running my mouth. So that's just, you know what? It's
just something I'm gonna have to deal with.
This is just one of the sacrifices you make when you become a parent. Um, so,
oh fuck, somebody's calling me.
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Uh, one hour.
That's what I just, that means I'm calling you back in an hour. And if you don't
know what that means, you don't call me enough.
And we're not really friends. You know, I just feel like as a parent, if I'm
doing, if I'm doing a podcast, people should respect how tired I am.
You know, I, you know, what kills me is fucking Leonardo DiCaprio already made
a movie called Blood Diamond.
Okay. So people saw how hard people are really working yet.
They still bitch about being parents. Like what they're like, they're out there
with one fucking arm digging shiny rocks out of a fucking hill.
You're not. All right. You're listening to kid music over and over and over
again.
It drives you a little crazy. It's about it. But you still, you got all your
limbs, right?
We've been listening to this French CD, you know, on like a loop. My kid knows
all the fucking words.
Lo, what is it? Is it? C'est bon, en saison, c'est un diguise, un diguise, un
diguise, or something like that.
Something about the disguises. I don't know what the fuck it is.
Un pas français, un Cameroon, un pas français.
Yeah. You listen to him a lot of times and that's hard. You know, I know
getting blood diamonds out of the fucking side of a hill inside a hill with one
arm and not making any money. Right.
Or maybe stealing it somehow. And then I can't, I can't say that because then I'll
ruin a movie.
Um, all right. Let's plow ahead. Shall we? I know I did some things this week.
I just can't remember what I've been working so much.
I did flappers last night out in Burbank. I'm going to be there again tonight
running my hour because I've been really busy and, uh, I have a bunch of shows
up in Vancouver.
And you know what? I got to tell you something. I have a tremendous respect for
all the stuck up cunts up there in Vancouver who want to act like they're in
some sort of European city when they're really not.
All right. They're really in some cow town that they put some skyscrapers in.
And then, you know, because they're near the water, they feel like they're
cultured. Okay. So I don't need them. And there's snarky reviews coming at me.
So, you know, I did some, um, I fucking riff this thing about beautiful women
the other night and it killed. And then last night I tried to do it and it felt,
felt flatter than my fucking ass on a Sunday, whatever that means.
Uh, so that was a little disappointing, but, um, the other shit is really
working out for me. And, uh, I don't know, I don't know where my act is right
now.
I had this whole new fucking act and now I added a couple other things and all
that shit that I thought was part of my new act just got sent down the fucking
river. Um, I did like a little over an hour last night.
I feel like I did four subjects, you know, because I've always been a long winded
hack. But anyway, I'm going to run my hour again tonight at flappers. Not sure
if there's any tickets left. Um, but, uh, it's going to be a good time and I'll
be ready to go come Thursday, Friday.
I think Saturday. I don't know what the deal is. You know, what's killing me is
the, my Boston Bruins who picked up four points this weekend. They beat
somebody and I've watched the game and I have such a dad brain. I can't
remember who the fuck they played. I watched the middle of the second period
until the end of the game. And, uh, I watched the Flyers play Tampa Bay. That
was a fun game. And then, uh, what else did I, and then the Bruins beat the
Rangers. That's right. Well, they're also playing Vancouver.
Vancouver. They got a little West coast road trip coming up. And the day after
my gig, they're going to be, uh, they're going to be in Vancouver. Now the old
me, before I became a parent, I would have stayed, but you know, as a parent,
you have to make sacrifices.
Um, no, I've already been to a home game of the Vancouver, Vancouver Canucks. I've
already seen Bruins games. I've seen Bruins games on the road. Uh, you know,
you just do the math or do I want to go home and ride bikes with my kid?
You know, it's a no brainer. Then she'll take a nap and I'll watch the fucking
game. Perfect. Perfect. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, is, uh, is what's
his face? Got his 40th goal yet?
Huh? 88 there in the Bruins. Why can't I remember anything this morning? Who's
on our first line? Marshawn.
Pasternak. David Pasternak. Jesus Christ.
Has he got his 40th yet? He was stuck on 39 for a couple of games. You know,
can I be an out of shape fucking sports writer now and ask him what's going on?
Does he think he's going to stop at 39? I mean, March is coming up. Do you
think he'll make 50? If you make 50, what's the bonus in your contract?
I think players should be able to opt out of fucking post game interviews. You
know, I think the league ought to lighten up on selling the game. All right.
The game is sold. We're all there. Half the people in the crowd are dressing
like they're playing at the fucking game. Right. For God's sakes. What more do
these guys have to do? Ask the same answer the same stupid. At least you ought
to be able to just sarcastically answer the questions.
Um, like I saw this one guy do. They were like, you know, you got out rebounded,
uh, 40 rebounds to fucking 22. Uh, can you explain it? He said, well, you know,
basically, you know, the ball hit the cylinder and you jump up and you reach
and you grab the ball and you pull it down. You know, if the other team does
that more times than you, then they get more rebounds. It was tremendous. Tremendous.
You're going to fucking sit there and ask a stupid question. You should get
that sort of a sarcastic response. I feel in my world.
That's what I believe. Um, yesterday, me and, uh, Bert Kreischer, I got tickets
to the Wildcats versus the Renegades, the XFL game. And, uh, I don't think we
could have had a better time.
We fucking rode over there, pulled in right as the game was starting. You know,
they played in that little ass stadium that the San Diego Chargers, I think are
finally moving out of the one down there in Carson, Los Angeles, whatever the
fuck it is.
And, uh, oh man, we had a great time. We had a great fucking time. I didn't get
any souvenirs. Somebody took my fucking Wildcats towel by the time I got to my
seat. Oh God, here comes the, here comes the cops.
Here comes the boys in blue pulling by my car. I got a microphone and head
headset on. Is this illegal? Am I a reporter? Let's see if he sees me. Does he
see me? No, he doesn't. He was looking the other way.
Um, all right. So we went to that fucking game and, uh, it was just weird. I've
never been to the first game home game of a team of a brand new league, their
first home game ever.
It's fucking hilarious because you don't know any of the players names. There's
no history. There's no rivalry. So I just started cheering like I was a diehard
fan, but like, you know, since the beginning of the game.
So I just kept saying shit like, uh, you know, when they were losing, like they
didn't score a touchdown for the first three quarters. I was like, Jesus Christ,
how long do we go? How many quarters do we have to put up with this?
I mean, gee, it's, it's been 90 minutes of this. I'm sick of it. This is what I'm
paying for. And I, I was surprised by how many people around me didn't get what
I was doing.
Um, you know, and then I kept making fun of you guys. If you go to an XFL game,
you got to make fun of that ref with the red hat. Cause I still don't know what
it's for.
So I was just saying, Hey, what's your red hat for? Hey, red hat. Red hat is
the mic. Red hat's the mic.
It was actually somebody who recognized me at the game. He goes, Hey, Burr,
shut up.
I don't know what happens when I go to a sporting event, even stone sober. I
just become a fucking asshole.
Um, I had a great time too. When it came down to crunch tight, I was calling
out plays, you know,
red, right? 88, red, right? 88.
64 toss power trap.
See if anybody would get it.
Um, but we had a fucking great time and, uh,
great fucking fans of fans were fucking hilarious.
A lot of people boozed up.
They just, they were fun. They just got into it. Oh, and then like, uh, the
wildcats were down. Right.
And they were trying to get us to do this. You know, you make an X with your
claws. Let's claws out.
You know, there was gotta be a little hip hoppy about it too.
Yo, shout out to all the wildcats out there. Claws out.
Yo, you would cost it, son.
Everybody's got to act like they're fucking, they did a little jail time and
didn't get raped.
You know, you know that vibe. Everybody's got to act like they're fucking tough.
It was a little bit of that.
Um, the players thing, if I, if I could have some suggestions with the league,
the players are amped up.
They're not professionals when it comes to speaking in a microphone, they're
football players.
So they're going to start yelling when they do pull the microphone away from
their mouths.
Like I just did. They don't seem to do that. They just blow out your fucking eardrums.
But, um, our seats were like in the sun, you know, and I'm a fair skin ginger
over here.
So, uh, I spent the first half, you know, with my hoodie over my head and I was
like, all right, let's go stand up in the shade.
And then that's when it became a good time.
We started meeting all these people.
Burt Kreischer was getting recognized right and left.
People asking me to take a picture of the two of them.
It was fucking great.
Uh, Burt can't hide.
That's what I noticed about Burt.
Burt can, Burt is very recognizable.
You know, the second he steps out, they just, I don't know what it is, but we
found Burt Kreischer's people.
They are at the XFL games.
Um, and we just stood up there and we were just, you know, we were cheering,
just acting like idiots.
They got the wave going, which I thought was hilarious.
They should do the wave.
I would never do the wave in an NFL game, but an XFL game, I love it.
Okay.
This isn't the NFL.
Why don't we do all of this?
You know what fucking pissed me off is they're allowed to make two forward
passes as long as you're still behind the line of scrimmage.
You know?
I don't know why.
And they were going, then this is just going to open up the offensive playbook.
And you know what I saw yesterday?
I saw two coaches trying to get a ride in the NFL.
That's what I saw.
All right.
And Burt Kreischer said it.
He said, you know, what they should be doing, they should just be fucking
throwing bombs.
That's what the AFL 