Name: Bill Burr | Joel Osteen Chronicles
Uploaded: 2020-02-19T16:38:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Joel Osteen Chronicles' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Joel Osteen Chronicles' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-19. Transcript available.

um but i'm here to fix your life what is it about i want to you know i'm going
to get out of this
whole fucking comedy business and i'm just going to fucking you know i i got to
get into the joel
olstein world i am so fucking envious of that guy that guy is a fucking genius
he sells out a
basketball arena every single sunday once a week he does an arena gig everybody's
talking about
kevin hart's doing a football this fucking guy sells out an arena every single
sunday that's a
tough day to sell an arena okay people are hung over from friday and saturday
he sells out where
the houston rockets used to play he bought that day put down some electric blue
carpet and everybody
comes to him he sells out a basketball arena every single week the same fucking
arena he doesn't have
to go on the road you know he's not going to george w bush airport george herbert
walker fucking whatever
international airport right next to haliburton that now is called larry's
fucking widgets whatever the
fuck they call it down there right this motherfucker just sits there and he
lets the crowd come to him
you know it's he's got his own private branson missouri his own las vegas they
come from miles around
and there's shiny pickup trucks their girlfriend's named darla right all
fucking made up just an ozone
layer of perfume just walk it into that fucking place and he goes up there
right his eyes closed
you know and just tells these people what they want to hear that's the business
i want to get in he
doesn't have to pay to rent the thing out and it's also a religion so he
probably doesn't pay any taxes
he's got his own tv show so you know he has groupies i mean this guy i mean
right down the checklist
everybody's talking about ford versus ferrari and what how ford came up with
this this amazing sports car
that beat ferrari what about joel olstein versus every fucking entertainer in
this country
you know and you know you got your vegas acts that are there doing a residency
but they don't own the casino
joel olstein went out and he bought his own flamingo
and he headlines it 52 sundays a year he's got his own tv show he's got his own
radio show
he's like that guy there ryan seacrest except i don't think ryan seacrest could
sell out the staples
center every single weekend 52 sundays in a row doing his version of fucking
rocking new year's eve in the
top 40. there's only one guy in this country that can do it that's joel olstein
and i think it's high time
when forbes talks about the highest grossing entertainers out there that they
stick this guy at
the top of the fucking list i don't even think elvis could fucking play houston
52 sundays in a row
at his height treat me like a fool i don't think him oh you never know those
same fucking people would
come down there they go see him on a saturday and then all those women's would
go down on sunday to
joel olstein's to confess their sins anyway i don't know so i'm anybody knows a
rundown arena is the
is the fucking the silver dome in michigan still available
get together with all things comedy we'll buy that and i'll just move to pontiac
michigan
right i'll get an old pontiac and i'll fucking drive it in every goddamn week
and i will do my
shit and dick jokes wearing a suit with a red tie my eyes closed and i'll just
tell you what you want
to fucking hear huh let me just practice i gotta practice my new act i mean
look at you you're listening
to this podcast i mean right there you know you're alive you know you're
special you know that jesus cares
about you if he didn't care about you why would he give you ears to listen to
what i'm saying to you
right now and i'm just a vessel of his words and it's just coming from up high
and it's just passing
through me and it's going right into you it's like a virus except it doesn't
kill you it makes you live
forever praise jesus everybody put their hands together put your hands together
everybody close your eyes
so because for some reason if your eyes are closed you can't really see the
that's coming at you
i wonder if he did he start like small like how do you become is there like a
preacher open mic where
they're just like all right this next preacher coming to the stage he's a
really funny guy he's
been talking about jesus up and down the east coast and it called just please
welcome joey
olstein then he comes up there yeah it's joe joey olstein but that's okay
because jesus forgives jesus
doesn't care if you called him jesus heist he would just he'd look the other
way and turn the cheek
boo you suck i heard this before that's okay i'm praying for you why don't you
open your eyes you
fucking asshole okay that guy out there had must have too much of the devil in
him must have had a
couple of devil dogs when he came in because there's the devil's in that satanic
dessert and he all
right that's enough for joe keep it going for joey olstein right he bombs for a
while
then eventually he just fucking he starts getting into a groove right i'll
never forget the first
time i was on stage and i got somebody to say praise jesus without asking the
crowd to say praise
jesus and i was like praise jesus that guy just said praise jesus because i was
praising jesus and it
was it was it was in that moment i knew that i was on my way that i could talk
about this guy who may
or may not have existed who may or may not be hawat and i could make some money
first thing i did was
i bought an old cracker barrel that went out of business and well you know i
started filling that
thing up i want to know the story how did he get to a fucking arena and the man
simply does not have
to leave his ranch every week you know everybody everybody goes to mecca i
figured why wouldn't they
come to joey joey joey olinstein talking about jesus curajest inside an old
fucking arena
you know it'd be great what if i fucking if reunion arena where the dallas mavericks
still used to
play right what if that place still existed what if they didn't implode that
and i bought that
okay and i went against the grain he's down in houston and he's praising jesus
i would go there and
i would praise i would go to dallas and i would praise satan you know but i
would steal his delivery
right because i'm evil i just like satan wants you to do anything that you want
to do you want to grab
a pussy you know it's good enough for the president it's good enough for you
that's right build the wall
that's right build the wall around anybody who doesn't look like us praise
praise satan right and
i would just fucking do that then i'd make my money and then i could get on tv
shows and jane
polly would be interviewed don't but don't you feel the social responsibility
for what is it you're
putting out there i know no i don't if you look at all all the commercials on
tv they're telling you
they're telling you to get that flat screen they're telling you get that hot
tub they're telling you
to go out there and get that wakeboard they're telling you to go out there and
just have fun fun
fun until the daddy takes the t-bird away now that was the beach boys they're
one of the most
wholesome acts in in all of pop music praise satan joel olstein life story oh
god here we go
joel olstein's dad was a southern baptist pastor in texas and started lakewood
church
i always wanted you know when you're the son of a pastor does he make you like
go out in the
garage and preach to him you know until you're like crying and he's just like
you ain't going to bed
until you make me get up out of this chair feeling that holy spirit
this guy just walked by looking at me like i was a lunatic and you know what i
am
fucking screaming about the holy spirit goddamn headphones and a microphone all
right uh joel
decided i have to leave this door open it's hot as fucking here sorry enjoy the
sounds of traffic joel
decided to go to college but didn't graduate i like this guy instead he started
the church's
television program it became televising his dad's sermons what we're dealing
with here ladies and
gentlemen is one of my favorite things on the planet a self-made man
he did that for years until his he's basically the vince mcmahon of preaching
you know vince mcmahon's dad ran a regional business vince took it over and
turned it national
turned it into a national thing anyways he did that for years until his dad
finally convinced him to
start preaching joel did his first sermon in 1999 shortly after he started his
dad passed away from a
heart attack oh god joel took over after that and continued on the old family
business dude he made it quick
he did his first sermon in 1999 he's had that fucking he's had that uh astrodome
whatever the
he bought there in houston he's had that thing for 10 years jesus christ he
made it faster than a hot
chicken showbiz uh shortly after he started his dad okay whatever as you
mentioned he purchased the
arena where the rockets used to play and renovated it that's great i think you
know you look at
goddamn atlanta georgia that fucking georgia dome was fine they just implode it
and build a brand new
one it's environmental disaster where did where did where the fuck did all the
trash from the georgia
dome go right in the fucking ocean maybe they saved a couple of beans sold a
few seats it's a
fucking joke uh now somebody from atlanta is going to try to defend it you know
uh reportedly these
renovations by the way is there anything funnier than watching houston astro
fans having their backs up
about that cheating scandal
i mean they've been nice to red sox fans but if anybody says the red sox
cheated on the last one
i'll be like yeah absolutely they did who am i i don't give a good on them we're
not giving the trophy
back uh reportedly astro fans you just gotta roll with it be like yes we did
you should try it sometimes
when's last time you won one uh reportedly these renovations cost over a
hundred million dollars
how the did he afford that you get a loan and you're a church so you don't pay
taxes so you pay
it off twice as fast because they don't take 50 of your income anyway he does
sell out the arena to
over 50 000 people when he's there that doesn't hold 50. that doesn't hold 50.
it's a basketball arena
probably with the basketball court is about 19 000 you fill in those seats does
he have people sitting
behind him he's selling anywhere from 20 i would say to about 24 000. anyways
uh he does sell out the
arena arena to over 50 000 people whenever he's there however he doesn't always
stay there
uh all in caps you were wrong he and his wife are currently on tour oh man i
wanted him so bad well
i guess you got to keep feeding the flock
yeah but for the most part he's there right even he's talk show host
occasionally they'll go on tour
but i mean they go to the same studio every day they don't have to go to lax
but he probably flies private
oh man if joel olstein if you're listening i want you to pray for my envy that
i have for you and
your show business lifestyle this is just this man is the greatest and he kept
his hair you know he's
just you know he's in great shape god bless him he and his wife are currently
on tour they are doing
the toyota arena in ontario california get the out of here in april then they'll
be at yankee stadium
in may dude i'm going
i'm going to go with bert kreischer i'm going to see if he's around
i'm not going to heckle i'm not going to be a i just want to see it tickets are
about 15 to 25 bucks
but when you figure how many of those gullible jesus freaks he packs in there
the high-pitched voice squinty-eyed is going to make a killing good for him
well you know what this bald freckled is going to go see him i'll go give him
15 to 25 bucks
joel olstein joel olstein with the power of the lord he figured this game out
how did he figure this
game out it's the best it's the it's the best it is the best you know and he
has a very tough job
because all he has is the bible you know what i mean i mean i know it's a lot
of pages i know a lot
of it doesn't make sense to the average man but how many stories can you pull
out and everybody's
pulling from the same fucking you know it's not like a stand-up comedian where
you got the entire
fucking universe you can pull from this guy just has the bible you know what i
said it that way on
purpose because i'm trying to give it another subject you know somebody told me
i was was talking about
me coming up with per with sermons and and and and they were saying oh i feel
bad for joel olstein
because all he has is the bible let's just think about that for a second all i
have
is the bible i have the universe in my hand

Bill Burr | Joel Osteen Chronicles

um but i'm here to fix your life what is it about i want to you know i'm going
to get out of this
whole fucking comedy business and i'm just going to fucking you know i i got to
get into the joel
olstein world i am so fucking envious of that guy that guy is a fucking genius
he sells out a
basketball arena every single sunday once a week he does an arena gig everybody's
talking about
kevin hart's doing a football this fucking guy sells out an arena every single
sunday that's a
tough day to sell an arena okay people are hung over from friday and saturday
he sells out where
the houston rockets used to play he bought that day put down some electric blue
carpet and everybody
comes to him he sells out a basketball arena every single week the same fucking
arena he doesn't have
to go on the road you know he's not going to george w bush airport george herbert
walker fucking whatever
international airport right next to haliburton that now is called larry's
fucking widgets whatever the
fuck they call it down there right this motherfucker just sits there and he
lets the crowd come to him
you know it's he's got his own private branson missouri his own las vegas they
come from miles around
and there's shiny pickup trucks their girlfriend's named darla right all
fucking made up just an ozone
layer of perfume just walk it into that fucking place and he goes up there
right his eyes closed
you know and just tells these people what they want to hear that's the business
i want to get in he
doesn't have to pay to rent the thing out and it's also a religion so he
probably doesn't pay any taxes
he's got his own tv show so you know he has groupies i mean this guy i mean
right down the checklist
everybody's talking about ford versus ferrari and what how ford came up with
this this amazing sports car
that beat ferrari what about joel olstein versus every fucking entertainer in
this country
you know and you know you got your vegas acts that are there doing a residency
but they don't own the casino
joel olstein went out and he bought his own flamingo
and he headlines it 52 sundays a year he's got his own tv show he's got his own
radio show
he's like that guy there ryan seacrest except i don't think ryan seacrest could
sell out the staples
center every single weekend 52 sundays in a row doing his version of fucking
rocking new year's eve in the
top 40. there's only one guy in this country that can do it that's joel olstein
and i think it's high time
when forbes talks about the highest grossing entertainers out there that they
stick this guy at
the top of the fucking list i don't even think elvis could fucking play houston
52 sundays in a row
at his height treat me like a fool i don't think him oh you never know those
same fucking people would
come down there they go see him on a saturday and then all those women's would
go down on sunday to
joel olstein's to confess their sins anyway i don't know so i'm anybody knows a
rundown arena is the
is the fucking the silver dome in michigan still available
get together with all things comedy we'll buy that and i'll just move to pontiac
michigan
right i'll get an old pontiac and i'll fucking drive it in every goddamn week
and i will do my
shit and dick jokes wearing a suit with a red tie my eyes closed and i'll just
tell you what you want
to fucking hear huh let me just practice i gotta practice my new act i mean
look at you you're listening
to this podcast i mean right there you know you're alive you know you're
special you know that jesus cares
about you if he didn't care about you why would he give you ears to listen to
what i'm saying to you
right now and i'm just a vessel of his words and it's just coming from up high
and it's just passing
through me and it's going right into you it's like a virus except it doesn't
kill you it makes you live
forever praise jesus everybody put their hands together put your hands together
everybody close your eyes
so because for some reason if your eyes are closed you can't really see the
that's coming at you
i wonder if he did he start like small like how do you become is there like a
preacher open mic where
they're just like all right this next preacher coming to the stage he's a
really funny guy he's
been talking about jesus up and down the east coast and it called just please
welcome joey
olstein then he comes up there yeah it's joe joey olstein but that's okay
because jesus forgives jesus
doesn't care if you called him jesus heist he would just he'd look the other
way and turn the cheek
boo you suck i heard this before that's okay i'm praying for you why don't you
open your eyes you
fucking asshole okay that guy out there had must have too much of the devil in
him must have had a
couple of devil dogs when he came in because there's the devil's in that satanic
dessert and he all
right that's enough for joe keep it going for joey olstein right he bombs for a
while
then eventually he just fucking he starts getting into a groove right i'll
never forget the first
time i was on stage and i got somebody to say praise jesus without asking the
crowd to say praise
jesus and i was like praise jesus that guy just said praise jesus because i was
praising jesus and it
was it was it was in that moment i knew that i was on my way that i could talk
about this guy who may
or may not have existed who may or may not be hawat and i could make some money
first thing i did was
i bought an old cracker barrel that went out of business and well you know i
started filling that
thing up i want to know the story how did he get to a fucking arena and the man
simply does not have
to leave his ranch every week you know everybody everybody goes to mecca i
figured why wouldn't they
come to joey joey joey olinstein talking about jesus curajest inside an old
fucking arena
you know it'd be great what if i fucking if reunion arena where the dallas mavericks
still used to
play right what if that place still existed what if they didn't implode that
and i bought that
okay and i went against the grain he's down in houston and he's praising jesus
i would go there and
i would praise i would go to dallas and i would praise satan you know but i
would steal his delivery
right because i'm evil i just like satan wants you to do anything that you want
to do you want to grab
a pussy you know it's good enough for the president it's good enough for you
that's right build the wall
that's right build the wall around anybody who doesn't look like us praise
praise satan right and
i would just fucking do that then i'd make my money and then i could get on tv
shows and jane
polly would be interviewed don't but don't you feel the social responsibility
for what is it you're
putting out there i know no i don't if you look at all all the commercials on
tv they're telling you
they're telling you to get that flat screen they're telling you get that hot
tub they're telling you
to go out there and get that wakeboard they're telling you to go out there and
just have fun fun
fun until the daddy takes the t-bird away now that was the beach boys they're
one of the most
wholesome acts in in all of pop music praise satan joel olstein life story oh
god here we go
joel olstein's dad was a southern baptist pastor in texas and started lakewood
church
i always wanted you know when you're the son of a pastor does he make you like
go out in the
garage and preach to him you know until you're like crying and he's just like
you ain't going to bed
until you make me get up out of this chair feeling that holy spirit
this guy just walked by looking at me like i was a lunatic and you know what i
am
fucking screaming about the holy spirit goddamn headphones and a microphone all
right uh joel
decided i have to leave this door open it's hot as fucking here sorry enjoy the
sounds of traffic joel
decided to go to college but didn't graduate i like this guy instead he started
the church's
television program it became televising his dad's sermons what we're dealing
with here ladies and
gentlemen is one of my favorite things on the planet a self-made man
he did that for years until his he's basically the vince mcmahon of preaching
you know vince mcmahon's dad ran a regional business vince took it over and
turned it national
turned it into a national thing anyways he did that for years until his dad
finally convinced him to
start preaching joel did his first sermon in 1999 shortly after he started his
dad passed away from a
heart attack oh god joel took over after that and continued on the old family
business dude he made it quick
he did his first sermon in 1999 he's had that fucking he's had that uh astrodome
whatever the
he bought there in houston he's had that thing for 10 years jesus christ he
made it faster than a hot
chicken showbiz uh shortly after he started his dad okay whatever as you
mentioned he purchased the
arena where the rockets used to play and renovated it that's great i think you
know you look at
goddamn atlanta georgia that fucking georgia dome was fine they just implode it
and build a brand new
one it's environmental disaster where did where did where the fuck did all the
trash from the georgia
dome go right in the fucking ocean maybe they saved a couple of beans sold a
few seats it's a
fucking joke uh now somebody from atlanta is going to try to defend it you know
uh reportedly these
renovations by the way is there anything funnier than watching houston astro
fans having their backs up
about that cheating scandal
i mean they've been nice to red sox fans but if anybody says the red sox
cheated on the last one
i'll be like yeah absolutely they did who am i i don't give a good on them we're
not giving the trophy
back uh reportedly astro fans you just gotta roll with it be like yes we did
you should try it sometimes
when's last time you won one uh reportedly these renovations cost over a
hundred million dollars
how the did he afford that you get a loan and you're a church so you don't pay
taxes so you pay
it off twice as fast because they don't take 50 of your income anyway he does
sell out the arena to
over 50 000 people when he's there that doesn't hold 50. that doesn't hold 50.
it's a basketball arena
probably with the basketball court is about 19 000 you fill in those seats does
he have people sitting
behind him he's selling anywhere from 20 i would say to about 24 000. anyways
uh he does sell out the
arena arena to over 50 000 people whenever he's there however he doesn't always
stay there
uh all in caps you were wrong he and his wife are currently on tour oh man i
wanted him so bad well
i guess you got to keep feeding the flock
yeah but for the most part he's there right even he's talk show host
occasionally they'll go on tour
but i mean they go to the same studio every day they don't have to go to lax
but he probably flies private
oh man if joel olstein if you're listening i want you to pray for my envy that
i have for you and
your show business lifestyle this is just this man is the greatest and he kept
his hair you know he's
just you know he's in great shape god bless him he and his wife are currently
on tour they are doing
the toyota arena in ontario california get the out of here in april then they'll
be at yankee stadium
in may dude i'm going
i'm going to go with bert kreischer i'm going to see if he's around
i'm not going to heckle i'm not going to be a i just want to see it tickets are
about 15 to 25 bucks
but when you figure how many of those gullible jesus freaks he packs in there
the high-pitched voice squinty-eyed is going to make a killing good for him
well you know what this bald freckled is going to go see him i'll go give him
15 to 25 bucks
joel olstein joel olstein with the power of the lord he figured this game out
how did he figure this
game out it's the best it's the it's the best it is the best you know and he
has a very tough job
because all he has is the bible you know what i mean i mean i know it's a lot
of pages i know a lot
of it doesn't make sense to the average