Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-20
Uploaded: 2020-03-19T21:45:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-19. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you
there's a lot of
smiling faces out there today despite the uh the situation we're currently in
where everybody's
still fucking eating and actually a lot of people gaining weight a lot of
people stress eating when
i get upset i coffee cake i just i don't know what it is i think when i was a
little girl
anytime i started to cry because my dad wasn't there my mother would just take
coffee cake and
just shove it down my pie hole and ever since then i've just had this muffin
top and i've just if you
could just like slice along here and dice along there i just think then then i'll
be happy i don't
want to work on myself as a person i just want you to slice away some of the
fat all right there is a
of happy men in the united states of america specifically football fans and i
am a big
enough man to congratulate all of them congratulations to new york jet fans
congratulations to the buffalo bill fans congratulations to the miami dolphin
fans
although you did pretty good against them pittsburgh steeler fans come on man
you know you're having a
great morning kansas city chief fans come on you know it you know it in fact
congratulations to all
football fans in the afc other than new england patriot fans because tom brady
is no longer in the afc
he is now in the nfc all right although one division is going to have to deal
with interleague play
you know uh but there'll be plenty of good seats after this pandemic explodes
or whatever the fuck
they're trying to tell you on these 24-hour news networks um anyway tom brady
signs with the tampa
bay buccaneers and as a new england patriot fan who saw him way back to jim plunkett
i just have to say
thank you for 20 seasons of the greatest quarterback i've ever seen i get the
move i get the move down
to florida i get it it's what every old white guy in massachusetts after a
while gets sick of the winter
and gets sick of paying state taxes and they go down to florida and they don't
go to miami okay they go
down to fucking uh where the what the fuck is it oh jesus christ it's just
south of tampa i forget what
the fuck it's called they always end up down there they end up on the fucking
west coast they know they
never seem to end up in like miami you know it's always in uh what the i don't
know i'll keep thinking
corpus christi but that's texas what the fuck is i don't know what it is but he's
down there he's not
paying any state taxes right he's gonna get all tanned up for the broadcast
booth he's probably
looking at tony romo like that son of a bitch you mean that guy that fucking
guy with no fucking
rings is making this money to talk football i'm gonna go down there and get tanned
up like fucking
john f kennedy right before he debated fucking richard nixon on the news and i'm
gonna roll my way
right into a broadcasting job florida map all right let's see what am i trying
to think here
let's see here florida what's the name oh jesus i want a map is it so hard when
you type in florida
map to get a map of florida there we go there it is i always blame the computer
and as a comedian
i always blame the crowd all right i always blame my wife and that's all you
really need to know from
me are you just going to give me tampa you fucking cunts all right here we go
where the fuck is it
okay where is it come on don't be shy don't be shy why uh
i don't understand why it won't work maybe because i'm in a rush
what is going on with the oh fuck you you fucking god whatever all right i don't
give a fuck anymore
i'll remember it later on in the podcast anyways
they did the fucking things never work for me i don't get it yeah yesterday i
was doing uh
it's writing on f is for family via skype and everybody's like oh just sign
into this and
download this app it's really easy and uh so somebody's walking me through it i
click on the
fucking thing and then they're just like uh okay now this should be a window
that says press the easy
button and it's just like yeah it's not there well that's interesting that's
interesting so anyway yeah
i think he's uh he's got some good great wide receivers down there it's a
definitely interesting
choice for tom but i mean to not pay state income tax is fucking huge you're in
your last year
and uh and that's it so i mean what are you gonna do what are you gonna do the
guy won his six super
bowls you know in defense of tom he should have at least eight okay you know i
mean what are you
supposed to do when you know what are you supposed to do if somebody drops an
interception or somebody
you know that there's three punts in a game is that his fault i don't think it
is um always drove
us down the field he was right there so um yeah i don't think it's really hit
me
it's seen seeing the patriots without tom brady is gonna be like it's gonna be
like um seeing the
yankees without jeter remember how weird that was for a while just looking out
there and he just wasn't
there um but it is what it is it's also one of the amazing things i think that
also adds to the drama
of sports is that these guys even though brady's 42 they they it just you see
the beginning the middle
in the end and you see him go from a young guy to the the you know experienced
guy to the veteran
to you know i don't know with brady though he always looks good to me but
you know getting you know ready to getting towards the end um
just the drama of that i just don't understand why people choose to watch
reality tv
assisted reality rather than watching sport i don't know maybe because sports
are dumb who
the knows but anyways thank you tom brady um and then fellow patriots fans don't
listen to sports
talk radio and they're just going to come up with a bunch of soap opera you
know
they'll oh he didn't get along with this person he banged this person uh this
person did this and
that and the other tom brady bent over backwards he restructured his contract i
don't know how many
times we get the players we needed and then he delivered in the big moments he's
going down there
to get paid and not pay any state tax good for him good for him i hope he has a
great offensive line
i hope the fucking buccaneers win it that would be incredible be incredible
personally i was hoping
he was going to go to san francisco because i know he grow i know that he grew
up out there and
that was his team and he loved joe montana it'd be pretty cool to see be the
first quarterback to win
super bowl number six for a franchise with two different teams nobody's ever
done that that would
have been a cool thing um and congratulations to tampa bay buccaneer fans you
got to be fucking
excited i bet you know even though you are quarantined i bet you ran across you
had to resist the urge
to run across the street and hug another uh fat floridian with a pirate shirt
on um all right so
that's that that is the deal i have been having a great time with my self-quarantine
how about you
guys what are you working on i'm playing the best drums of my life that's like
i'm i feel like i'm a
little kid again living at home with my parents with like no fucking job and i
can just go down
go downstairs into the basement and play drums for two hours i know a couple
other
buddies of mine that play like dude i'm really getting good at guitar you know
so this is the
time people okay you've lived your entire life without a pandemic and what are
you gonna do huh
you're gonna listen to what the they say but then that doesn't mean you can't
be having a good time
all right why don't you learn something you always want learn how to caramelize
an onion
if you can find one with all these scared going down to the store every 10
minutes
how often how long is the food still gonna have to be coming they're still
collecting the trash
mail is still being delivered you're still getting water to your house you're
fine
relax all right here's one for you always wanted to shave your head but you
were afraid
what people were going to say now's the time to do it
um i've begun a stretching program too there's always been a couple of
stretches that i just when
i went back in the day when i was a younger man i'd actually go to a yoga class
right and i had a little orange um man bun no i did my head always just grew up
um i remember i would see people being able to do these stretches like just say
that the cobra stretch
like how the do you is your spine double jointed i didn't understand it was my
psoas all the in
the front and then the other one was when you sit down with your legs out 45
degrees and then someone
could just go straight down and i thought that that was another thing i thought
it was your back
and i didn't realize that that was your hamstring so i just been working on
that type of stuff
this you know this great stretching routine and now when i play drums my back
doesn't bug me anymore
like if you ever see a drummer and they have like the back of a chair uh on
their drum throne if they
have that back support thing on the back it's just like they need they need
help okay because all they're
doing is they're just they're playing to the symptoms as far as just like you
know now i'll
have a cane as opposed to working out and doing physical therapy i'm not saying
everybody's like
that but i just i have noticed that like some of a few of my favorite drummers
when i see them when
they get the back thing on that i'm like oh no it's for back support or
strengthening your back muscles
you know you're in your 50s it's not too late right it's never too late right
so there you go there's a
whole bunch of things you'll be getting better in instrument download rosetta
stone right come back
totally fluent with your head shaved playing like eddie van halen then all the
chicks at the office
are going to be standing six feet away from you being like oh my god who is
that
you know he got even stronger during a pandemic then it just taps into that
cave woman in him
he's a provider he's gonna fight off that saber-toothed tiger and next thing
you know
you're having a corona 19 virus whatever the fuck it's called conad fucking 19
like virus free threesome it's gonna go down why don't you come back a new
fucking man all right your head shaved like you're in the fucking road warrior
okay shredding guitar caramelizing onions flexible you know relaxed
get yourself a nice little tan
just come back looking like you went to the virgin islands
or you can sit there like a little scared squirrel that heard a goddamn noise
and you can sit there and eat dairy and candy and all this comfort food as you
watch 24-hour news
networks scaring the fucking out of you by the way the more i think about that
hand sanitizer guy he completely
fucked up he should have talked
do you realize the balls it took six weeks ago to spend 18 grand on hand
sanitizer
betting that this all these times people said this is gonna be bad it finally
was bad you don't think
he tried to get other people to go in with him hey you want to take your life
savings and put it into
hand sanitizer because i think this time next month we're going to be locked
down people be ah gee take
off your tin hat and the guy does it and it pays off and they take it away from
him
like when japan defeated russia and they went in to claim their land and then
all the white countries
came in hey hey settle down settle down it's not how it works
and japan should have been like that is how it works the hand sanitizer guy
should be that is how
it works this is not what this country's about this country was built on
genocide and slavery and we
don't do things like that what are you talking about the are you talking about
he went apology mode it was like watching a comedian who didn't do anything
wrong and then apologize and it
just makes me nauseous the fact that he came out there and he wore a family man
t-shirt that that was it
that was it then what he did was