Name: Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-20
Uploaded: 2020-03-24T00:45:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-24. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday!
March 23rd, 2020. What's going on? Are you in the future?
Are you coming back listening to this? How long did the pandemic last, man?
Did it turn into an epidemic?
Is that what it is, pandemic? Pandemic is like the triple A of a disease.
He's almost at the show. He's still hitting fucking dirty baseballs.
Why does the disease have to be a man?
All right, it's a woman.
So what, you're saying we're all cunts?
Remember that shit? Remember feminism?
That's the one good thing about the pandemic. That fucking all went away.
All those white broads bitch moaning and complaining with their own fucking TV
shows,
getting awards for saying shit that other people wrote?
My life is so hard!
I don't know. You know what? You know what? This is going to be a great day.
I'm going to tell you why this is a great day.
You know, when you just wake up with a fucking song in your head,
I have Robbie Dupree's Steal Away in my head, you know?
And I'm going to warn you, okay?
You know, with social distancing and all of this shit,
the last thing you need is some fucking bald, freckled cunt on a podcast
getting a song in your head.
But I'm about ready to sing it.
And I'm going to tell you, this song, it's so fucking catchy,
especially when I sing it.
It's going to be in your ear, too.
All right, come on with me.
Come on and hold me.
Just like you told me.
I woke up with this in my head.
Then fucking show me what I want to know.
Why don't we steal away?
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
Why don't we steal away into the night?
Because there's a pandemic.
Hello?
COVID-19 much?
Hashtag shaking my head.
How about all the pussies during this fucking pandemic?
God forbid they're alone with their own fucking thoughts,
eating some fucking cookie dough.
Just can't do it.
Got to go hang out with their friends.
She's my best friend.
I have to hang out with her.
You dumb fuck.
She could have gone out and blown a trucker since the last time she saw you.
You don't know what she does.
You don't know what she's into, man.
She's that close to you, huh?
How about you, buddy?
You going to be a fucking man?
You going to John Wayne your way through this shit?
Are you going to be a fucking, you know, yoga studio person?
We're all connected.
Hmm?
I'll tell you what.
This is what Donald Trump is stirring up with that whole Chinese virus thing
that he's doing.
I'll tell you what.
You know what?
I guess we all are connected.
Because evidently if some guy on the other side of the planet sticks his dick
in some bat's butt,
next thing you know, I can't sit out on a lake bass fishing with one of my
buddies.
I swear to fucking God.
The left and the right.
When are they just going to man up, face a fucking problem, and try and solve
it without finger pointing?
Like some douchey quarterback going back to the huddle.
What fucking good does that do?
Well, that's where that came from.
Okay.
Is that the game we're playing?
Do we think this country, we're going to survive that game?
Fucking sitting there pointing fingers as we're drone bombing weddings.
We got economic sanctions against Iran so they can't even fucking help their
people.
Slavery, genocide, racism, sexism.
Where did fucking mad cow disease come from?
That came from fucking England.
Do we call that the British disappointed cow?
Whatever the fuck we're supposed to call it.
Didn't we bring up a bunch of fucking diseases, cough on blankets, and then
fucking give them to Native Americans?
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.
I swear to God.
Goddamn Republicans and Democrats, anytime there's a fucking problem, they get
their panties in the bunch, and they just start pointing.
Well, because the last person wore a blue tie, and they did this and that.
I remember when Obama came into office, he goes, well, I inherited these wars.
I inherited this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Next thing you know, he's playing video games, fucking drone bombing people at
a fucking picnic.
Anyways, people, all right?
There's all kinds of viruses, evidently, around the fucking world.
They're in the goddamn rainforest that we're chopping down.
Every day we're fucking doing that.
Eventually, one of them's going to get out, and everybody just fucking do what
they tell you to do.
Just fucking stay inside.
Don't interact with other goddamn people.
Stop being fucking selfish.
Let's just all fucking come together.
Right now, what we should be doing is avoiding one another and then going
online and trying to figure out how people who don't have money for food, we
can get them some food.
Or people who are, you know, living week to week, how maybe we can do some sort
of startup or some sort of benefit.
We should fucking help each other out.
We should just ignore the politicians who are just going to get the mouth
breathers all fucking stirred up again.
You know, this is some snowflake stuff.
I can't call it a Chinese virus.
You know, let me ask you this.
Who's, you know, if somebody really looked at your life and all this shit you
did, would you hold up to that level of scrutiny that there couldn't be
something named after you?
Um, all right?
Jeez, there's a fucking billion people.
If you lived over there, you'd be eating all kinds of fucking crazy shit too, I
would imagine.
I imagine there's some shit that we eat over here that they think is fucking
nuts.
There's a part of the world that thinks cows are sacred.
We shouldn't even be fucking eating them.
And we're over here feeding cows to other fucking cows.
All right?
We have been the problem collectively, humanity, for a long fucking time.
Because I'll tell you right now, how clear is the sky right now without all
those jets flying around and people driving around, living their best lives,
going down to malls, buying shit that they don't fucking need?
Think about that, man.
We are the guy.
Did I just say think about that?
Am I lecturing you?
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I just, I fucking can't stand.
I don't, I'm not saying that I don't have my own fucking faults and I haven't
been guilty of being a fucking meathead because I have.
I do my best to try to avoid doing shit like Donnie T's doing right now.
Coming back to the huddle, fucking pointing people out.
I remember fucking guys used to do that.
And next thing you know, their fucking offensive line wouldn't block for him
anymore.
Then he'd have to take everybody out for a fucking steak dinner, which is also
a cow.
I was at a steer.
Well, what happens, you fucking city slickers?
A goddamn bull gets up on his hindquarters and sticks his bull cock into a
fucking cow.
They fuck, right?
If they have a woman, it's called a cow.
If they have a man, it's called a bull.
If they cut the balls off it, it becomes a fucking steer.
And that's where your goddamn steak comes from.
I learned that when I was in Wyoming or Colorado, somewhere out there.
All right, so let's just, I don't think we need to name this thing and blame a
fucking group of people.
How come we didn't call it the French, uh, uh, French AIDS?
The French stewardess AIDS, male stewardess AIDS.
Why didn't we call it that?
Hey, and by the way, uh, maybe he wasn't French.
Let me see where, where was that guy from?
Let's find out where everything, why don't we find out right now where all the
diseases came from?
And name them accurately.
All right.
First AIDS patient.
April 24th, San Francisco resident Ken Horn is reported the center of disease
later in 1980.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, is he the stewardess?
He was a, he flew to France.
Is that what it was?
So why isn't it the American AIDS, USA AIDS, USA AIDS?
Well, thanks a lot.
Now I can't stick my dick in somebody's bum without getting fucking, um, we're
animals, people.
We're animals.
We eat shit.
We fuck shit.
And, and, you know, we, we fucking, what about the baby boom generation?
You know, fucking out there in Woodstocks rolling around fucking in the mud.
They didn't, they didn't, they didn't cause something.
Is that what I'm supposed to believe?
What am I even talking about now?
I don't know.
So anyway, anyway, give it up for ESPN2 that became ESPN8, AR, ESPN, oh, give
it up for them.
I haven't been watching it, but I guess they're showing fucking dodgeball,
belly flop comp, um,
competitions and all of this shit and everybody's going nuts like this is
fucking amazing.
This is what ESPN did in the beginning.
Well, they had all that time to fucking fill.
It was incredible.
Um, that's a good thing.
That's a good thing to check out.
Um, but I'm telling you, man, this is a great time right now for you to do a
bunch of things that you never did.
Last time I mentioned, it's a great time to shave your head.
If you ever wanted to shave your head, this is a great time.
It's a great time to buy a boat.
Buy a motorcycle, a classic car, something in aviation.
This is a great time to buy.
It's a little parasitic, but that's how it works.
That's how the game is played.
If you squirrel away your nuts during the good times, when the shit turns down
and everybody out there was living like the new Johnny Bravo,
as they did on the Brady Bunch, you know, walking around with your fucking sexy
goddamn shirt.
So your stepsister wants to bang you or maybe even your step mother, right?
Hey, this shit happened, man.
This shit happened on the Brady Bunch.
Maybe they created a fucking disease on that goddamn show.
Greg Beatty banging fucking Mrs. Brady in real life.
Barry fucking Florence.
Oh, Barry.
Oh, Florence.
Oh, Jesus.
Anyway, yeah, this is this is the fucking time.
You don't buy a boat during a virus free booming economic time, which, by the
way, that's a big fallacy.
By the way, everybody was saying that the economy was booming.
The economy was booming before before this bullshit fucking happened.
It's just like, how many fucking times are you going to ignore how much money
we're spending on these never ending fucking wars?
And how many fucking times are you going to let these fucking banker cunts,
these fucking banker cunts create a new real estate, some sort of fucking
bubble?
It's a bubble, people.
We were living in a bubble.
It's the fucking high end luxury apartment rental buildings going up on every
other fucking block, which is all our money, which is all our money.
And there's a finite amount of people from China and Russia that have so much
money that they need to wash it by fucking, you know, buying one of these
goddamn condos.
And then once that happens, once that runs out and the cranes are still
building, the whole thing topples down again.
And then whoever's in office, red tie or blue tie gets blamed.
And then the bankers start a new fucking scheme.
I know all of this shit because I skim read a couple of articles.
This is why you should be listening to me and not the people on fucking CNN and
Fox, right?
Anyway, there's really just nothing to talk about, is there?
This is just as when this is when you separate the men from the boys.
By the way, how fucking brilliant was it since the beginning of podcasting that
I never had a guest?
All right, so my show has not changed at all.
Everybody else, all my compadres out there, they're all like, oh, God, can you
Skype into this?
Can you Skype into that?
What's the fucking password?
Not old Freckles.
Old Freckles sits here in his jam jams and does it like he always did it, right?
Like that old guy who never sold out to McDonald's and kept his own fucking
hamburger recipe and then got buried by McDonald's anyways, you know?
Then they made a documentary about him and people like, wow, that's pretty
fucking cool.
But a guy still dies penniless.
I've still been drumming.
Actually, I have so much fucking free time now.
I don't really because I got my kid.
But we've been playing.
Dude, she's a lefty.
She throws right, but she bats left.
She's a lefty in the lineup and she's fucking crushing it.
She's got the T-ball going.
You know, she's so goddamn cute.
She keeps saying, she goes to me, s