Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-20
Uploaded: 2020-03-27T01:28:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-20

hey what's going on it's bill bird it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you
just checking in on you during the pandemic keeping it up keeping it positive
oh these fucking gloom and doom assholes what does this mean what does this
mean for america
do you realize this is the most comfort you could in the history of the fucking
world that people have
ever wrote out a pandemic which would have been a fucking epidemic back in the
day
jesus christ can you imagine renting an apartment from the fucking astor family
a hundred years ago
living down in a fucking basement with 22 other fucking polish german fucking
all kinds of fucking
people sitting there in the damp recesses of some shithole no central air
conditioning no heat
everybody getting fucking tuberculosis nobody giving a fuck dying alone
down there with your knickers on as the guy next to you is like why i order
right what's the problem huh
you gotta jump in the shower after you take a shit i mean that's the worst
fucking problem you have
here's the thing i don't know how long this is gonna fucking last all right but
it's gonna feel like
twice as long if people are fucking whining about it quit your fucking whining
and i'm not talking about
people who are broke i'm not talking about poor people i'm talking about people
who are fucking fine
you're just bored you're bored do you think you'd be bored if you were fucking
in that basement apartment
with tb fighting off fucking polio i don't think you'd be bored i think your
heart would be racing
i'm starting to get texts from all my friends oh my god are you going stir
crazy yet i'm having a
fucking blast i'm having a great time i feel like i still live at home with my
parents
way back in the day no job no fucking responsibility just laying around
my dad resenting the free time guys get off your ass and go motherfucking live
you know
take i'm gonna tell you something right now everybody here who doesn't die or
go bankrupt
or starve to death is gonna look back someday fondly remember when we all got
two months off wasn't that
fucking great fucking hanging out you know all the babies that are gonna be
born a lot of divorces too
but who's kidding who a lot of fucking babies there'll be another baby boom
here
a bunch of little fucking babies running around after all of this
just what we need more people but i'm just saying all right like uh
don't don't miss out on this pandemic make sure you remember to enjoy it
because what's going to
happen is what everybody wants my god i gotta get out of this house and go back
to what what are you going
back to your fucking job
sitting in fucking traffic what percentage of people have a dream job what
percentage of
fucking people actually want to go to that motherfucker again
now i know everybody needs to i know everybody has to i understand you got to
make your fucking money
all right you're gonna make your money it's gonna be back what do you think's
gonna happen we're just
gonna sit inside eating fucking five pounds of corned beef like me for the rest
of your fucking life you're not
everything has a beginning and a middle and an end all right
don't live in the moment enjoy
being in your fucking apartment or your house chilling the fuck out getting to
watch an entire fucking series of some shit that you didn't have to what were
you bitching about before this shit oh my god my fucking job sucks
i can't fucking they don't listen to my ideas all this fucking bullshit
i gotta get out of here well now you're out of there and now what are you doing
bitching because you can't go there
okay if you're one of those people you know what you're gonna do
you're gonna marry somebody someday and you know what you're gonna do you're
gonna wear them out
because you're never gonna be happy you're not happy at work you're not happy
when you're quarantined
if you can't find happiness in either one of those existences i think it's time
you look in the mirror
you know
and figure out what your fucking problem is
why did i just say all that because i got one annoying text from a friend of
mine
people keep asking me how you're holding up i'm fine
i have food i have water i have a roof over my head
i am fine
boo fucking who i can't go walk down the goddamn street
these these fucking people that built this goddamn country after they murdered
all the fucking native americans
and made fucking uh african slaves these fucking people
kidding um
for the most part you just fucking you lived in your can't go outside
you went outside you had your fucking head on a swivel
in any goddamn moment some fucking bear mountain lion god knows what could just
come up and take you or your kids or maybe the people who were on the land
first
regrouped
they wanted to come there kick the shit out of you break you on a fucking wagon
wheel and then cut the top of your head off
you think when they were sitting in their log cabin they were going back and rewatching
the fucking wire they weren't
having nine kids because you knew six of them were gonna die
fucking whining bunch of fucking goddamn i swear this is my first pandemic i
hope it's my last pandemic
because i am so fucking sick of listening to people whining about shit
and who's next to start whining the fucking cheesecake factory
these goddamn murderers
these fucking drug dealers of diabetes have the fucking balls to fucking sit
here they can't even
ride out a goddamn month all the fat fucks that they've created
these zombie diabetic fucking
drug users
the drug is fucking cake and i know because i'm a former user
they're fucking bitch moaning the cheesecake factory tells landlords across the
country won't
be able to pay rent on april 1st already already you haven't sold enough
fucking cake over the years
and squirreled away the fucking money you fucking cunts you know why that is it's
because the
fucking pieces of shit at the top of that fucking goddamn food chain literally
are taking too much money they're making too much fucking money if the fucking
cheesecake factory
can't go fucking two and a half fucking weeks without selling cake
before they can't make their fucking rent like they're a goddamn college
student
i don't i gotta i gotta be asking them what the fuck are you doing with all
that cake money
you cannot roll a fat person three times
you know around right one two three you're into a cheesecake factory
cheesecake factories are fucking everywhere maybe they spread themselves too
thin ironically as they
make everybody so fucking fat
it's so funny that they go around this goddamn country and they're trying to
stop the bloods and
crips but the cheesecake factory can post up on any fucking street corner out
there
have a bunch of kids go in there every fucking friday night like it's their
birthday
do you know how many times i had cake as a kid
i had i'd have it when it on my birthday and then i would have it on my
siblings birthdays that was it
that's when you had cake you didn't have 52 times a year
that's why there's so many goddamn school buses going over cliffs because the
cheesecake factory has
made these kids so goddamn fat with 52 slices of cheesecake every year okay the
bus driver he's an animal
squirrel comes out he goes to swirl around it and all these fat fucking bowling
ball kids all go to one side
of the bus it fucking fish tails right over the side they call it a tragedy and
they blame the bus driver
right and then they sue the bus company you know because they're going for the
money but they're not
going after the right thing here it's places like this the cheesecake factory
um unbelievable subway the same way i mean the subway i mean it's a fucking
walk-in closet
you want that sub heated up and they stick it in that that fucking
what do you what do you even call that thing it's not even an oven
it's like one of those heaters people buy and then they fall asleep and then
they wake up after they
burn to death right in another dimension the space heater they have a fucking
space heater you want
that heated up and then they just they fucking the kid squats down and holds it
over there these
fucking cunts two goddamn weeks and not not fucking selling subs
why don't you just do fucking uh take out
unbelievable this is something i actually considered buying i was going you
know maybe uh maybe that's a
smart thing to do with my money you know now that uh white women have all the
fucking power and uh due
process is out the window and somebody just says you did something that means
you do it your
fucking career's over i got to get some money coming in outside of the fucking
circus business i'm in
so i was actually considering
you know i was looking at in and out in and out that's what a hamburger is all
about i was thinking
of buying one of those
i was like all right i'll be a little drug dealer i'll deal in salt and sugar
the legal drugs right it i'll do it hey man if i don't sell it someone else
will man and then i
found out it was privately owned you know by a family then they won't fucking
you know they don't
franchise that out or whatever so i was like i fucked that you know i wasn't
gonna do a subway
because i fucking hate their sandwiches even way actually you know something
when i was broke i used
to eat it so i can't go back on that you know i used to get the six inch
fucking uh what i get the
six inch fucking italian you know what kind of bread would you like i i
probably the italian
am i gonna eat an italian sandwich on fucking wheat bread you think i'm an
animal here i cannot
fuck i'm just joking around here i cannot fucking believe that these i don't
buy it
i think they're too big to be sued
you know they can't go out of business nobody's going to malls anymore anyways
so they know they
have leverage so they're like well fuck this if nobody's coming in we're not
paying our rent that's
what they're doing there's no fucking way the cheesecake factory after fucking
11 days of
not selling cake can't make their fucking rent okay maybe may i'll give you may
but they can't they
can't go one 11 days of people not eating cake and the whole fucking thing
falls apart i'm calling
bullshit i'm calling bullshit they're just gonna hang on to their money fucking
sue us
uh we'll file for fucking chapter 11 we'll just write ourselves all bonuses and
we'll take all the cake
money all right mall of america or you can ride this out with us which is what
i've been lobbying for
okay i just say okay we all know that our entire fucking the world economy is a
fucking ponzi scheme except for iceland evidently everybody else's there's
nothing behind your
fucking money so just treat it like a video game just hit pause all right
everybody just pauses
nobody owes anybody anything everybody still owes the money they owe but nobody
owes any more money
nobody owes any more interest right but you know what that would take that
would take banks not being
the heartless greedy cunts that they are that would take the president of the
united states
uh to actually be the most powerful person in the united states and look at the
banks look at the
federal reserve and say listen i'm the fucking pos here right piece of shit no
president was it po usa is
that how you say it p-o-u-s-a president of p-o-t-s whatever the fuck it is i'm
running shit
i got a tie and wingtips on
i got a bulletproof limousine i have a helicopter and a fucking jet you
understand me
and i'm not paying for any of the fuel i don't sit in traffic that's how
powerful i am
do you understand me i almost make as much a year as a youtube star does per
month okay
you fuckers are not charging interest during a pandemic because you're also
americans right
anyway i don't really understand what's going on with this whole bailout
package trillion dollars
i'm president who gives a fuck trillion nine zillion i don't give a
shit just keep the fucking thing afloat all right hang in there cheesecake
factory this somebody didn't
know 