Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-20
Uploaded: 2020-04-09T21:28:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking it on you
um sorry i've been on youtube watching videos teach yourself how to sing
one more i've lost cat was his week five week five um all right this is the
only way out of this shit
okay i think uh we they either need to come up with a a vaccine or a fucking
test everybody can take
that's it that's it because this fucking self-quarantine shit it's just it's
just not
working it's just not working people people you know you got too many mouth
breathers there's too
many homeless people there's too many conspiracy theorists it's just how do you
hurt them there's
only one way to do it and that's how this country was conquered it's done with
the gun
um anyway trying to enjoy this time off people try to enjoy it as much as you
can as much as you can
oh by the way uh lady gaga is doing a concert to help out um
fucking brilliant brilliant marketing marketing marketing marketing marketing
marketing brilliant
marketing you know that we're all in this together she somehow twists that into
an economic thing
it's fucking brilliant i have all these people go celebrities are going like
yeah you know we're all
in this together everybody just fucking you know fucking pulling the same
direction imagine there's
no heaven right so so that she comes out she goes you know fucking saying we're
all this in this together
it's a nice sentiment but the reality is is if you're a billionaire you're not
in the same situation
as someone's who's a single mom was getting the shit kicked out of her over a
foreman grill
fucking brilliant she turned it into an economic thing rather than being like
it doesn't make a
difference if you got a billion dollars or no money if you're out there
breathing on people
this thing ain't gonna fucking end she turned it she turned it into an economic
thing
right said the most obvious thing ever because i have to be honest with you i
had no idea that
someone who had a billion dollars had it easier to fucking hang in their house
than someone with no
fucking money you you know it's like lady you know who had it easier you know
who who had it worse
you know who's fucking laughing at all of this shit all this complaining and
frank and frank spent
three years behind a fucking wall
you know didn't you know did they stop making that required reading how long
was and frank behind
that fucking wall can you imagine standing behind a fucking wall with your
whole family
for like three years waiting so hoping the nazis aren't gonna get you and then
people oh my god i'm
losing my mind in my studio apartment with my fucking playstation
ah but brilliant marketing because then everybody started arguing
you know and then speaking in sound bites about people being tone deaf
all right wait what are you doing here uh how long was and frank behind the
wall
all right here we go
see and frank
how long was and frank how long
who snitched on and frank see it's getting
it's getting crazy with the and frank stuff and frank
okay behind the wall gave me nothing hiding
why can't you just give me an answer
like you know what i hate too is you know not to belittle and frank here but
when you go
how long should i bake a potato you know you just it used to just pop up and
there was an answer
and that now it's all these fucking like super fancy fucking uh cooking sites
so you just click on one
i'm thinking it's going to be typed out somewhere and it isn't it's just you
know ever since i was a kid
i love baked potatoes i liked them with bacon i liked it with broccoli i like
them with broccoli and cheese
and you have to go through like fucking nine pages of them just stretching out
this horse shit
so you can scroll past these ads that they're getting credit for
all right and frank
all right
jesus christ
1942 and her family went into hiding
franks were discovered in 1944 spent two years
two years
worrying that the most evil people on the earth who were hunting her people
down
she had a fucking deal with that what do we got
we got a glorified cold here
lady gaga i gotta tell you that was masterful masterful because then everybody
underneath
started arguing about it but then meanwhile they're reading about her concert
it's fucking brilliant
then you also frame yourself as i'm the person that has money but still
understands you and your
ramen noodles can't you tell i'm down to earth i don't wear pants um whatever i'm
just being
fuck i'm being a fucking idiot there's nothing to talk about do i really give a
shit about what what lady gaga said no i don't
i don't
it's one of the worst fights in my relationship
was the time i went to her concert because my wife wanted to go and the new england
patriots
happened to lose a playoff game to the ravens
that afternoon and i was a good six seven peers in
that didn't end well
that did not end well that was the next day uh
my my laugh was not talking to me and i couldn't figure out why and i finally
had to
ask her because i continued drinking at the concert because what else was i
going to do
you know look at that poor horse that she had parading around the fucking thing
and i just
i got in my head i'm like what's with the horse did they did they take it on
the road is that far
is that fucking thing on the road right now is it making as little money as the
band is
that's inside a castle that i can't even fucking see because god forbid people
fucking look at the band for two seconds um
yeah she said i said jesus fucking christ which i remembered saying but i i
said i said it once she
said you said it like nine times
and i was just like all right fair enough and that was the last time she ever
went to a pop star concert
with me you know i've been trying to repair the damage in the relationship but
i think the damage is done
um all right i hate having to fucking do this but it this always happens
now i guess at my fucking age uh rest in peace vic henley man
i said this is uh i can't it it doesn't even make sense man
i don't i can't even i think the shock of this one uh vic died i think i don't
know a couple days
ago i don't want to get into it uh but what a great guy you know i was reading
a lot of stuff
that other comics are writing and they were like never had a bad word to say
about anybody and i
never even noticed that he was just such a fun guy to be around and it was true
and i actually did a
gig with him when i first came to new york um i don't even remember where the
fuck we were at i
wanted to say we were at that catch a rising star that was out in new jersey
something like that
i think that's where it was and he was just the nicest fucking guy we rode out
together
i think he drove too which was really cool asked if i wanted to ride out there
and just shot the shit i remember he talked to me like i was a peer you know
rather than some young
kid on the way up you know he'd been doing it longer than i would had and uh
you know all kinds
of life advice just a really really sweetheart of a guy um unfortunately died
uh over the last week here
of a pulmonary embolism i guess um so vic henley rest in peace thank you for
being such a great guy
cool guy and all of that and uh gone way way way too soon at 57.
all right and now how do you follow that up you talk about what the dumb
shit you watched on fucking
uh fucking youtube i don't know why but i've got into watching animals kill
other animals i don't
know why it just fascinates me like my mini series is watching the hatfields
and the mccoys of the
serengeti the fucking lions and hyenas and i'm just fascinated with how they
hate each other so much
that if they find one or the other by themselves they and they got they have
the numbers they just
jump them just straight up kill them they don't even eat them they just kill
them and which makes me
wonder how the fuck you as a hyena or you as a lion get separated from the
pride when you know that that
shit's out there i saw another one one time somehow a whole bird heard of this
fucking buffalo had this
lion like surrounded he was up on this high ground
and they just fucked him up sent him flying in the air ass over fucking tea
kettle and i'm just sitting
like where the fuck are all his friends
did you take a nap up on that little hill i'll catch up with you later and they
just
fuck this thing up but the worst one i saw you know i i saw this wild boar
fucking kill a baboon
like it was just an old fucking baboon and the boar kind of comes up to the
thing like
hey what's up with this fucking thing and then his friend kind of comes up from
behind
and you know those wild boar you know they got those big goofy tusks you don't
really don't think
anything about them they don't look that sharp they kind of look dull on the
end rounded off like
a butter knife right so his friend comes up behind him nice that dude in the
back and then takes off
because i think he's used to these baboons that baboons are weird man
you know they look like monkeys but when they open their mouth they look like
fucking lions right they
got these crazy fucking canines there and uh you know they get they get respect
like when lions
and fucking leopards and shit when they go after uh baboons they make sure that
they're not past a
certain age you know they get these baboons where they still got their braces
on basically right
the leopard ones are fucking amazing man they fucking just run up a goddamn
tree
just run up the fucking thing the baboons trying to get on the smaller part of
the fucking branch
fucking leopard knocks the baboon off
and then literally just as the baboon falls the thing leaps down in the air i'm
talking like
25 30 feet in the air no problem baboon lands takes a half step and a half to
run the leopard's
it's already on the ground and it's fucking over um hang on a second
all right i'm back sorry
fucking tickle in my nose that was driving me nuts
is it a corona tickle um all right so anyway so this fucking
maybe it was in the front of the baboon he fucking knifes the thing the guy
does a
flips in the air and then the fucking pig takes off like a like a like it's
scared
because it's probably like he's a fucking baboon i know he's got these crazy
teeth in there right
and the fucking thing takes off and the other one was behind it was just like
wait a minute
this thing was sort of limping away
so this was it was unreal the second one he knifes this baboon
like two three times up against the tree guys guys get like a gang hit inside
of a prison and then he
does the last one he did like a swoop with his tusk and at the same time as he
does it
pulls out the fucking things like i don't know what small intestine and fucking
starts chowing down on
it immediately horrific horrific but i gotta tell you these fucking baboons
gotta come and they eat
everything they have alive i'll tell you a great one man if you're if if like
if you just want to see like how amazing these fucking baboons are which i i
really don't like
these goddamn things all right i don't like any animal that doesn't have the
decency to fucking
kill the thing that it's gonna eat first you know i get it with reptiles you
know
they got that little ass brain like bears baboons those fucking wild dogs
they just start it's just i don't know i don't get it um anyway plowing ahead
here i uh
i don't know i don't know why i started watching that shit and then anytime i
see
an animal eat another animal alive then i have to watch a video of that species
of animals getting
killed all right good fuck you that's free that's for your buddy there eating
that
fucking impala alive i don't know what i'm doing anymore people i'm not
watching the news there's
nothing to fucking talk about and i thought i had the genius podcast with no
goddamn guests
you know i don't have any fucking guests this isn't gonna change i guess i have
to start watching
the fucking news because all i'm watching animals kill each other i'm watching
