Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-20
Uploaded: 2020-04-27T21:54:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-27. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday april
27th 2020 how's it going
how are you hanging in there are you running out of projects to do oh my god
this has been
the longest month of my life jesus christ remember when you watched the shawshank
redemption
how that movie was so long i was like what the is going on and i realized oh i
know what
they're doing they're giving me the sense of what it's like to do time i'm not
shitting on
the movie either because i love the movie but it was long the guy was in jail
for a long time right
hey i don't know anyway um jesus christ if you guys ever wanted to know what it
was like to be
a comedian out on the road and you had to kill a day waiting for your show
later on that night
you know this is what it feels like remember that back in the day you'd just be
sitting there going
oh you know i heard uh they got an exhibit downtown they uh first ferris wheel
ever was made it's like
a 20 minute walk if you want to do that uh the worst is when i get paired up
with a comic who didn't
want to go and do anything and just would sit in the condo you know ordering
food play who brought his
playstation i remember whenever i saw the comic that brought his playstation i
was always like
all right that guy's not gonna make it
like i was working harder because i was gonna go to the arch in st louis by the
way one of the scariest
um tourist attractions i've ever been to um a lot of people probably don't know
this but you can
actually go up into the arch and uh it's like these egg i don't know if they
still like that they look
like little eggs these elevator thing that brings you up and so it looks like
the thing that mork used
to get out of on mork and mindy now there's a 40 year old reference right um so
uh you go up this
fucking thing and you start thinking like well wait a minute at some point am i
gonna start am i gonna
be like laying on my back as i start going up the arch and obviously you know
they what they do is is
there's like a almost like a series of locks how a boat goes through like a uh
what do they call
one of those things a canal you know like the panama canal series of locks
thing close behind you fill
it up with water rise them up that they kind of do the elevator version of that
but as you're waiting
like the thing is swinging and i swear to god it looks like a plastic piece of
then you
get up to the top and the only way to look out is you lay down on your stomach
and
look out these little windows and because of how high it is and how skinny it
is it has to give a
little bit when the wind blows so it won't fucking tip over so you're up there
laying on your stomach
looking out this little window and you're feeling this thing fucking moving
every's up there like
whoa whoa i want to go back then you get up there and there's really nothing to
look at
i remember there was the baseball stadium you looked at that and then you're
like wow look at
this beautiful downtown area that nobody's in um gee bill why did you have to
shit on the midwest i don't
know um anyway yeah i am i am like uh
i'm out of ideas and i've just been staying
like at this point like i remember i was kind of being like all right every two
three days i'm gonna
go for a drive and that's become now like once a week and i remember it used to
feel weird that i never
left my house for a day and now it's starting to feel normal and
i was just my head of thought today i was like is this what it's like to be on
welfare
you know
i know it isn't i know it isn't i know you live in a way shitty or
whatever but like i would love to interview somebody on welfare and just be
like how long
is does a year feel like compared to when you had a job
i guess if you have a shitty job and just drag i think anytime you're just
doing something you don't
want to be doing like if you're on welfare and you're loving it i bet the years
fly by
um i don't i have no idea what i'm talking about go yourself you'll fill up a
hour when there's
nothing going on by the way i am not even entertaining any of these conspiracy
theories
that this is a move china made to try and take over the world
jesus christ the the randomness of letting a virus loose that that's not going
to come back and attack
your own people and let me guess they already have a vaccine that they gave to
their billion of
people i don't i don't even like somebody sent me oh you know what i'll just
just for the
entertainment value i will click on this this uh this new world order here
thing that yannis papas from history hi he oh this is this is him doing mr papas
chinese plot for world domination all right um i love mr mr panos sorry mr papas
mr panos
um one of the many brilliant characters that he does how that guy isn't on snl
i it is yeah i i don't i don't even understand i don't even understand
janice papas everybody italian guy um anyway i i just
i i don't i don't know what the fuck to do now with myself um i'm just hoping
because it's getting
hotter out here we had a little heat wave that it's just gonna burn this thing
out
and uh there's all these weird things going on now where states are starting to
act independently
in like i think like oh in omaha nebraska they're gonna open a comedy club
which i think is great but
then like i was kind of reading this email about the whole situation and it
just kind of seems like
like they're just letting the comedy club decide how to disinfect
my buddy was telling me there was some other fucking state they're opening up
and one of the
things they're opening up is a bowling alley is it just going to be for the
fucking guys who bring
their own bowling balls because my buddy was going there everybody's sticking
their fingers in the
same goddamn balls i mean that's just how this whole fucking thing started i
don't know i think we're
going to be fine and i i i believe it's all going to open up i'm going to say
this right now i'm going
to go out on a limb here i'm going to go espn here and make a prediction and i'm
going to say that they're
going to open it back up on may 15th they they have to they have to uh one of
the best
fucking rants i've seen about all of this uh i just don't want to say his last
name wrong is it vic
d potato is that how you say i don't i know i'm gonna butcher it i'm fucking irish
we have short
last names we don't have all these wonderful vowels and all this like the italians
do
his fucking rant about the banks and all of that is where i wish all americans
heads were at
as they're sitting there talking about trump and clinton and obama and bush and
all of that it's
nothing is clearer to me right now than even the government works for the
fucking banks everybody is
losing money everybody is losing money but not the banks not the fucking banks
they'll give you three
months off and then on the fourth month you owe the back three plus the four it's
like
how the fuck am i gonna i haven't worked for fucking 90 days why can't they
just treat the economy
like a video game and just hit pause and when this fucking thing's over
whatever your april mortgage
will then say it's over uh the beginning of august then you just play aprils in
august and that's it
just like vic just broke it down it totally made sense just add three months to
the end of the mortgage
and that's it no no no banks will not do that they will not do that complete
everybody
everybody else making sacrifices everybody else trying to do whatever these
fucking doctors and
nurses you know who are fucking working 90 goddamn hours a week helping people
out everybody's making
fucking sacrifices the banks fuck you all right but you go on the internet and
what are people talking
about they're talking about the guns the government trying to control you trump's
a
fucking idiot and all that type of shit it's just like it's the banks you're
yelling at the ass of the
problem um although i gotta be honest with you after after you know trump said
you know to inject
household cleaner maybe into your body maybe that'll help um that's my i want
people who are trump
supporters to write in and defend why you still think that guy is presidential
material why you can sit
there and be and don't even hit me with that well you know he's got a lot he's
got a lot of uh people
surrounding him to help him out um just imagine if you ran a deli
okay and you were interviewing somebody to make bacon egg and cheese sandwiches
and they knew how
to make a bacon egg and cheese sandwich but in the job interview when they
taught and you asked him
whatever for whatever reason you asked him about a solution to the covid 19
problem and they suggested
that you inject household cleaner into yourself would you hire that person
would you let that person
touch the food with or without gloves i'm asking you
because that's what fascinates me about human behavior
i don't know in the last i don't know how many years since it all became social
media
is how the sports fan mentality has entered like politics
where you know my team's clean your team's dirty you know blah blah blah and
all that time oh speaking
of that shit do you guys watch the the jordan documentary oh my god out of all
the teams that
i've hated in my life the bad boys detroit pistons were at the top of the list
and last night my hatred went even higher i'm actually not even hating them now
and i'm just like
fascinated with isaiah thomas because they um they were showing the whole thing
where like you know
i remember like they used to beat the fucking shit out of jordan if he came in
the paint they would just
just knock him on his ass take him out take out his legs drop him on his
fucking head throw elbows to his
throat every fucking thing he could do and he lost like two years in a row and
as much as it killed him
he walked up and still shook their hands and said good luck in the next round
right and then when the bulls
finally beat the pistons they walked off the court and didn't shake fucking
hands and they got a ton of
shit saying the bad boys were actually a bunch of bitches and blah blah blah
blah right so it's a 30
year old story right so anyway they have isaiah on the documentary it's 30
years later and he has an
opportunity to sit there and be like yeah man we shouldn't have done that we
shouldn't have done that
man we should have shook their hands you know we played them real tough you
know we did a lot of
borderline shit and this kid went and he worked out in the off season and he
and he learned the
triangle offense he was open to it he started kicking it out to john paxton and
and and they beat us fair
and square he shook our hands when we beat him so it's only fair that we shake
his hand he had the
opportunity to say that and what does he do what does this man do he throws the
celtics under the bus
and that is all you need to know about that man
that's all you need to know hilarious and then they cut to the clip of the celtics
not shaking
the uh the piston's hands and what's hilarious in the clip is you see isaiah
running over to
fucking kevin mikhail to shake his hands it's like isaiah i thought you just
said you didn't do that
why are you running over to shake kevin mikhail's oh because you won
oh oh that's right we don't shake hands but when you beat jordan in the bulls
you had no problem shaking his hand oh if you win you shake hands but if you
lose
get the fuck out it's fucking let me i don't know i think it says a lot when
the guy he was left off
the dream team okay and you know bird and magic had a vote and they did not
cast it
they're like yeah fuck this guy fuck that guy so um
anyway whatever it was i got a big heated debate with with janice papas um who
tried to say the
celtics were dirty too because of the kurt rambus so he took one play in a 10-year
period i go name
another one that really sticks out all right i'm not saying we didn't play i
would say the celtics were
somewhere between the showtime lakers and the early 90s knicks obvio