Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-20
Uploaded: 2020-05-01T00:37:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-20

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you
checking in to see how your week is going
um shout out to all the economies that are starting to open up you know we'll
see how it
goes shout out to the cheesecake factory out there and from somewhere in texas
the waffle house in
georgia and that botox clinic down there in orange county they're all gonna
fall on the knife for the
rest of us i don't know if this is true this is just i don't watch the news
this is just shit people
on the phone have told me all right and i know there's a lot of commercials
because i've been
watching a lot of tv i know there's a lot of commercials out there thanking
everybody
we want to thank all the uh what do they call them necessary
workers out there surprised there hasn't been any pushback you know to say that
some people are
necessary and other people aren't necessary makes some of most people are going
to be feeling
unnecessary and during these uncertain times i think everybody needs to feel
that they're contributing
you know what i mean i you know the one great thing about all of this shit has
been it kind of shut up
all of the uh well i guess now then they're kind of going again with the whole
brave thing
you know these people who are uh during this thing uh going to work and making
money
thank you to all of them all the necessity necessary people you know but it's
always just sexy jobs isn't
it right who do they give a shout out to right are the doctors and the nurses
all banging each other
with their fucking covid scrubs on you know live in a mini series some a-list
movie star is gonna play
one of them doctor we're out of beds oh god damn it throw a pillow on a
radiator i don't give a shit i got
patients to treat this summer josh gad is uh joe's six-pack doctor what was it
like to play joe's six-pack
doctor well you know just i mean i'm just an actor these are like the real
heroes
commercials um i don't know why i find all of those commercials thanking them
fucking uh a guilt trip
you know what i mean i'm sitting there watching them and they fucking make me
annoyed what a surprise
bill what like what doesn't annoy you well maybe that's how i can talk to
myself for the whole podcast
all right there has to be a sacrifice somewhere um
and yeah they're like bugging me i'm just thinking like at what point was i not
appreciative of
fucking doctors and nurses and firemen and all of that jesus christ with the
thanking and the thanking
or am i superimposing the guilt trip that they've put on the support the troops
thing
so no one will start it up and be like well hey aren't you real yeah you're
really over there to free
the iraqi people or aren't you really over there to get the goop out of the
ground there
considering you won't help fellow americans in flint michigan and fucking oh jesus
um
anyway
shout out to isaiah thomas man i felt bad fucking making fun of that guy in the
last podcast because
then i saw him he must have been getting a ton of shit because he went on tv
um
and tried to to change the narrative of that story
how you're going like and he went about it the wrong way bill lambeer crushed
it
because isaiah was on tv going you know
i i achieved at every level he was literally reading his resume
you know academically scholastically uh spelling bee
sports the olympic team in 1980 i made a diorama in the fourth grade that won
first prize
he went the whole fucking way and he goes if it comes down to a lapse and
emotional
he still couldn't say that he fucked up
he still couldn't say he already threw the celtics under the bus
then he goes
and if i didn't get on that team because of a handshake
then it hurts even more today he went white chick on this
it hurt even more today than it did back then
right smash cut to bill lambeer
hey are you upset that you uh made that decision because it seemed like it was
your idea to walk off the court
he goes no fuck those guys when we won it they said we weren't real champions
oh bill lambeer crushed it just like every time he was at the top of the key he'd
always hit that fucking shot
swish nothing but net on that one
anyway i just been continuing on watching uh
old nfl
i've been doing that and then i've been watching the reels man breaking the
band
it's been my favorite trashy show
they got this their whole like whatever they call their little slug line or
some shit
they just talk about how difficult it is to be in bands in every episode and
they go
the bigger the band and then i yell at my tv i go the more shit we make up
do you know what i love about the reels breaking the band is there's so few
actual band members
in it and if you get an actual band member it's usually
the side man or the guy who got kicked out
um so then you know it's going to be like extra meow although the journey one
the journey one had some um
a couple of actual members in it uh the journey one was great
it had everything it had the manager being like i put this whole fucking thing
together
you know you had the prodigy guitar player was it neil sean
fucking guy played at woodstock at like fucking he was like 13 15 years old or
some shit right
and uh
i gotta listen to early journey i guess they were like all fusion and all of
that shit
and then steve perry comes in
and uh they totally switch the direction they're going in
they start making all of this fucking money
and then neil sean wants to steal rock man
and steve perry wants to sing some ballads man
and then like that
that pulled the whole fucking thing apart
or started to i don't fucking know
i don't know they came down pretty hard on steve perry though
um but it's also reels so i think they just decide
because reels also ended led zeppelin saying that the letter that led zeppelin
wrote
left it open-ended
it was kind of vague it's like no it wasn't vague it was a definitive a
definitive statement
we're done we won't be the same because john bottom such a great fucking
drummer
it we can't carry on as we were and that was it
and other than a couple of benefits and when the guy from atlantic records
passed away
they haven't and they could make hundreds of zillions of dollars on the road
but evidently robert plant invested his money in real estate
so he doesn't need the fucking money
so he's all good
which is why
all freckles
in my final 18 years as a comedian
i'm walking at 70
this is what i'm saying i hope i am
i'm not gonna walk but i mean i want to be able to
i'm going to become
a slumlord
mark my words
i will go down as one of the biggest slumlords
in all of rental unit history
shout out to the uh
the crenshaw mall
i guess that's closing is being turned into office space
so
there's a big debate about whether or not it's um
because of gentrification
because of the pandemic
flu
or because of
amazon
uh
the china flu
why don't they find the name of the first patient
and just
if you're gonna get that
just get really specific
thank you kim fong yu
for eating that goddamn bat
um
anyway yeah
so the
you know
everybody orders shit off of fucking amazon
nobody wants to go outside
certainly during a pandemic
but even before then
you know what i mean
i think
it could be
mostly gentrification
and then i think the other aspect is the food industry
and they turned our food into fucking poison
and then people eat it
and then they just get too fucking lethargic
and out of shape to leave the house
so then they call amazon
i like when you order something off of amazon
and they send it in a giant box
like that's how fucking
much business they're doing
we're out of little boxes
fuck it
send it in the big one
keep the line moving
um
anyway
i did some more research
of old nfl
and now afl stuff
and um
i can't get enough of this shit
i bought some old football cards
and i've been watching all this old nfl film
i watched this whole thing on the uh
the vikings
and the uh
the colts
in like 1968
i was watching this game
and uh
they
the giant
sorry the vikings had this guy
joe cap
it's like the first latino
quarterback
right
who finished his career
with the boston patriots
um
he came over our way
and then
he was there for
he was
he was the first latino
quarterback
i believe
in the nfl
and uh
he won the rose bowl
mvp or something
in 1958
oh i already talked about this
and then
they didn't draft him of course
like he gotta be
ho ho what
to play that position
so he had to go to the fucking cfl
crush every record up there
the same way
warren moon
had two fucking
20 years after that
and um
he came back down
and he was known for his toughness
and uh
he played for the vikings
for like three four seasons
and then
i believe they brought
fran tarkington back
fran played like four years
for the vikings
then played like another four years
or something for the giants
then they brought him back
so then he went
on a big trade
he went over to the
boston patriots
and we were getting this veteran
you know cfl hall of famer
um
and he had
he was a tough guy right
he had the one bar
mask
and then uh
the patriots drafted
jim plunkett
and he was like
what the fuck
and held out
and then i
that was just sort of
the end of his career
forget
there was this other guy
gary coazzo
when he left
or something
so i read up
on him
who's this gary coazzo guy
hadn't you know
amazing football career
as anybody who
made it into the nfl
collegiate career
and all of that shit
then i read this sad story
how is
now he goes around
he does
all these speaking things
to try to keep kids off drugs
because his kid got involved
in that stuff
and actually got murdered
i was just like jesus
well that's a nice fun story
well sorry
i just been going around the league
but having to
having gone back
and looked at all of those champions
and then the afl champions
you know
i got a buddy of mine
who's like a cleveland brown fans
and he's always fucking whining
oh we like the worst fucking franchise
it's so hard to be a fucking brown fan
it's like wait a minute
there's other people in front of you
all right
the d
the d
the detroit lions
ain't won it since 1957
the cleveland browns
won an nfl title in 64
and then they won it
in 2000
and then like 2012
they were the ravens
but it was that franchise
so the city of cleveland
has had a football drought
since 1964
however
the lions have gone since 57
the cincinnati bangles
have never won it
they've been around
since like what
the 60s
paul brown's fucking bengal
saw you
quit your fucking crying
cleveland
um
i'm really basing this off
of like two or three
four
four cleveland fans
that i know
all who worked at hilarities
so if they're listening
you know who i'm
you know
you know who you are
um
anyway
i actually ordered
some football cards
and i have those things
coming and back in the day
when i was a kid
all right
as everybody back in the day
if you go far enough back
that they were actually a kid
at some point
right
um
i used to just look at those football cards
over and over and over again
i couldn't get enough of them
i just found them so fucking fascinating
i didn't realize that it was all seeping into my fucking brain
and that if i had applied
that same sort
if i had that same sort of passion
towards academia
who knows where i would have gone
i would have gone to notre dame
i would have become a lawyer
that's what i would have done
that was the goal
but instead of studying
what i needed to study
i studied football cards
so now to this day
i am a 50
almost 52 year old man
and i'm still buying old football cards
off of ebay
and um
i'm finally unearthing
all of this shit
that i have
uh
in my office
and uh
i found all my old football cards
and my
my wife doesn't know this
but i'm bringing them
out of
my podcast garage area
and i'm bringing them
into the house
into the living room
we have like a bookcase there
and i'm just gonna have them
on the bottom shelf
and that's gonna be my shit
late at night
all these old football cards
from the
the years that i haven't
uh
befor