Name: Bill Burr | Bill vs The Painter
Uploaded: 2020-05-01T10:30:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Bill vs The Painter' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Bill vs The Painter' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

um dear bill i don't know why you give painters such abuse so much abuse
because
of the job that they've done because of the amount of fucking windows that have
been painted shut
doorknobs painted completely over fucking uh with the fucking latch meets the
lock completely
fucking painted over splotches of paint on hardwood floors paint on the fucking
windows
that's why jesus christ
it's like did you paint or did you fucking bust a nut it's it's all over the
place
um i don't know why you give painters so much abuse just because you let some
asshole into your house
and paid him to cover your wall with paint doesn't make him a painter any more
than you are a barber
when you shave the red off the sides of your skull
yeah the man made a good point there the reason you hire a painter is so you
don't get fucking
splashes of paint on your precious netflix money oh you know what this whole
fucking thing where you
fuck you you fucking cunt i used to wash windows you non-funny douche go to an
open mic and beat out
10 million fucking comics fuck you i earned every fucking cent of my netflix
money
you window painting fucking cack go fuck yourself and fuck all you people who
shit on people that make
it in show business you just fucking you're not happy with your own fucking
lives jesus fucking christ who
the fuck are they hurting slept on a futon till i was 36 years old my precious
netflix money
fuck you i hope you step in a bucket of paint today you cunt all right
everything else was fine i don't
mind you saying that i'm not a painter i might call me a bald-headed cunt but
you fucking stay out of
my pockets i earned every fucking dime i've made in this fucking business
standing on stage as a
fucking nobody in front of a bunch of drunk painter cunts like yourself heckling
me the whole
fucking way and i took the pain and you know what my ship came in and go fuck
yourself go fuck yourself
i have netflix money i'm not giving you a drop of it i hope a bat comes up and
bites you right on your
paint flecked fucking neck you cunt all right precious netflix money bought
designer furniture
and wine he spells it w-h-i-n-e on the oh i'm sorry and wine about it on the
internet i'm sorry you
were right there um it doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's people
out there calling
themselves painters and they do it just just as bad a job as you would do if
you do it no this is what
amazes me sir is every apartment everything i've ever fucking been in the
windows are painted shut
all these all this great old hardware every place i've lived in has been old as
shit and people just
painted over all of it and there's paint all over the fucking floor i'm just
saying let's just where
are these fucking great painters all right in defense of you though if i walk
into a really nice
governmental building there's not fucking paint all over the fucking floor i
don't know i'm just
saying there's a lot listen listen there's a lot of bad painters out there i
would actually say
there's more bad painters out there than there's bad comedians okay because
being a bad comedian you at
least have to have a set of balls to get on stage all right anybody can put on
their white on white
jam jams and go walk in and start coloring on the walls like you sir
fuck you the gloves are off buddy you went after my you you fucking went after
the money iron
designer furniture what does that look like does it have the jordas jean thing
on the back
stupid cunt let me tell you something about designer furniture you can take
that shit
turn it up sideways as the rock says and shove it straight up your fucking
candy ass i hate all that
designer shit i hate designer i don't like designer clothes i i bought a couple
of expensive suits when
i had to fucking do letterman and all that the biggest nightmare ever ever was
wearing expensive
clothes ever anything you brush up against living in new york city getting in
filthy fucking cabs
stupid why somebody would buy a designer couch why would you do that so you can
fucking lay there and
fall asleep and drool on it i don't understand any of that all right sir so i
know you think that i'm
just sitting here rolling around in a pile of fucking money you know with like
i don't know what my name
engraved with an oil painting of myself like i'm in fucking mtv cribs i'm not i'm
not okay so go
fuck yourself okay and i know that you're a little butthurt here okay why don't
you take the paintbrush
out of your fucking ass you baby and uh you know take a little criticism
anyways um all right it
doesn't take a genius i actually agree with a lot of his points you know what
it really is is shut the
fuck up about the fact that i actually took a chance and my dream came true go
fuck yourself and
fuck all you fucking people who keep shitting on celebrities in their big ass
fucking kitchens they earned
them all right do you have the balls to stand across the table from a naked harvey
weinstein
that's in heat do you want to fucking do that
do you if you can step into that ring
with that ugly orange orangutan coming at you with the fucking heart on if you
can handle that
shit oh i'm a painter let's all cry for the painters go fuck yourself in your
stupid van
um it doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's people out there will uh
calling themselves
painters and they do just as bad as okay i already read that um and sure it's
not rocket science to
apply a coat of paint but paint selection is often overlooked by amateurs see
this is what i like the
the art of it it's one thing to slap some blue paint on your dirty looking
white walls
hey here's here's an argument on his side how do i know that the paint isn't
from the last person
that rented the apartment what it really is is it's probably from the cheap
landlord
that's what it is ah god damn it he's gonna fucking convince me that i'm wrong
i'm not wrong about
you talking about my money you fucking cunt but maybe i deserve that because i
went after your trade
i don't know yeah you're probably right all right you're right all right it's
one thing to slap some
blue paint paint selection what it's one thing to slap some blue paint on your
dirty looking white wall
it's something else to first carefully clean and patch the wall tape off
sections for protection apply a
good coat of water-based paint primer nobody does that then proudly take
control of your roller
proudly and your container of glossy aquamarine oil paint and turn the room
into something into someone's
happy place i work quick effectively and take pride in my work i really piss
this guy off people often can't
thank me enough for the job that i do oh shut the fuck up i was with you till
then a lot of people are
really liking what i do um so keep on paying some bum eight bucks an hour to
paint your wall i hope the
reason why it looks like shit will eventually penetrate your head stupid redhead
keep doing what you do with
love and disrespect all right you're right you're right listen to what he said
there
i think what it is is is so much of my life i rented and uh you know landlords
are notoriously cheap so
they probably just hired a bunch of fucking college kids people move out they
fix the wood and then they
just slap white paint you know why you know what you're right you're right and
then i bought the house and
my house was 100 years old and a bunch of tight fucks or do-it-yourselfers
probably painted it and i
blamed your trade you know what touche sir you're absolutely right but you know
what god bless you
for writing that fucking email because it was funny as hell and it also took up
a good 10 minutes of the
podcast there all right all right i'm done shitting on painters he's right but
you know what i needed to
do it to learn something