Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-20
Uploaded: 2020-05-05T04:09:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-05. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 4th, 2020.
What's going on? How are you? May 4th, everybody. We are 11 days away from this
whole thing just opening back up again.
I know that's true because old Donnie boy said it was going to happen.
Donnie boy, Donnie boy, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. He says it's all opening up on
May 15th, which totally makes sense.
Do you know what? If he reopens it and everybody gets sick, the fact that he's
going to get shit for that, when I am still, I'm taking my daily walk, my old
man walk, all shuffling down the street like some old fucking mob boss, you
know, who's trying to pretend he's insane.
You know, I don't have the bathrobe on, but I definitely got the mask and all
of that shit, right?
I go out to the grocery store. I wait my turn to go in. I got the gloves. I got
the mask, right?
Looking like a fucking beekeeper, right?
But there's just too many selfish fucking cunts. I see yesterday. Jesus Christ,
it was just yesterday.
I'm walking down the street. I do, but I'm minding my business. And across the
street, I see, I'm assuming a husband and a wife, life partners.
I don't know what terminal one night standards across the street, both pushing
strollers with like a one year old and a three year old or something like that.
Right. Adorable kids, beautiful family. Nobody's wearing masks, just walking
down the street.
You know, I think selfish cunts like that. They're just like, well, everybody
else is wearing a mask.
I feel fine. So I'm fine. I'm not like the mask rule is for somebody else.
So just, I'm just going to put this out there as much as I don't like old Donnie
Brooke.
And I think he's a fucking disaster and he is a fucking disaster.
And I will debate anybody who still supports, anybody who can debate a guy who's
running your country that suggested you shoot household cleaners into your body.
I, you know something I'm sick of hearing from the painters.
Ooh, why did I stir up a beehive with that one?
And you should hear what they're talking about, how many hours they work and
they're fucking sitting.
You, you, you would think that they're actually out there fighting a war the
way they're waxing about what it's like to color in a fucking wall.
I'm sorry, people. I just have to, I just have to, you know, I just have to
keep fucking picking on them.
Not because I really give a fuck about painters. It's just that there's nothing
going on in the world.
Everybody's just sitting at home and I have no guests and I have to keep
talking.
So what I'm going to do, this is going to be the last day is each, what I'm
going to do is each,
that for every two weeks during this, I'm going to pick a vocation and I'm just
going to shit on it.
If there's, if there's a job out there,
if there is a job out there
that you don't like, that just bugs you,
anything from Jippy Lube
to fucking inner tubes, whatever the fuck, whatever the fuck, whitewater rafting
to fucking skin grafting.
Why am I rhyming? I don't know why.
Whatever the fuck you want, I will shit on it.
I will shit all over it.
I will show the profession no fucking respect.
And then I want people in the profession.
I, you know, we've all had time to sit at home, right?
And fucking look at what we do.
Okay.
And if you're like me, you stop moving, you stop running, right?
And you're just sitting at home.
And what happened?
It's like the tortoise in the hair.
The tortoise comes over the hill and that's all your fucking demons from your
childhood.
And they all catch up with you, right?
And then they surround you and then you're just sitting in them
and you're just thinking like, you know, like, wow, I thought I was an adult.
I thought I left all of this behind.
I went to therapy.
I talked it out.
I never think about this shit.
And it's just like, no, no, it was just,
it was just on the other side of that hill.
Just waiting for you to take a fucking three day, three week, whatever, fucking
sabbatical.
And then it's all coming back.
Oh, Billy Freckles.
And I'm going, I will shit all over it.
I will shit all over it because I cannot,
the fucking joy I am getting from these fucking asshole painters flipping out.
Like I really think they all suck.
A lot of them do suck though.
So I tried to move on past the angry, shitty painters out there.
I can't seem to do that.
I'm trying to like, how do you find a good painter?
You know what I mean?
There has to be like, you're in the, you're, if you're a painter,
can you tell just by like the guy's advertisement?
Is it word of mouth?
How do you get a good fucking painter?
We actually had, you know, some people who just came over and redid this couple
of closets here.
Cause you know, one of the final things in the old ass house that I bought that
I am,
I'm going to die in this house or I'm going to sell it.
I'm going to lose a ton of fucking money.
I have a fucking toilet in my house that I swear to God, the only way it will
flush is if you take a plunger and you go,
what God, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, like 50 fucking times.
And then put one, one square of toilet paper, anything beyond that.
And it, and it just fucking taps out.
And I've had person after person after person come over here and try and figure
it out.
And somebody finally figured it out.
And what happened was some fucking Dudley do it yourself guy came.
I must've done it and fucked it up and put the wrong size pipe.
I don't know what the fuck it is, but, um,
of course it's on the top floor.
So they're going to have to, what they would have to, I would have to literally
leave my house or whatever the fuck it was.
Go live in the garage with the family while, you know, this who's kidding who,
who's getting to this, this seven day job, 10 day job turns into three months.
We all know that that's, what's going to happen.
So, um, whatever.
Um, so I'm dealing, I'm, I'm trying to put that off last.
Uh, but anyways, the, the painters came in, they did a great job.
They didn't get a splotch of paint.
Anyway, I know that they're, I know that there's some good ones out there, but
you, you have to admit painters.
Okay.
Okay.
And it just, you know, don't get your fucking overalls in a bunch here.
You know, this, some really bad painters out there.
I would actually say that a bad painter is almost as bad.
Almost as bad as a bad comedian, you know, because at least with a bad comedian,
there is something funny about watching somebody who sucks at doing standup.
If you can get outside of just the fact they're not funny, then it's funny, but
just the situation that somebody has a microphone and is holding a crowd
captive for an hour, doing a job that they're not good at is fucking hell.
And nobody can really say, I guess you can heckle.
I don't know.
I think it's funny.
Anyway, um, moving on here.
Yeah.
So I just keep seeing these people out there and, um, you know, I'm one of
those old school, I believe in rooting for the standing president.
But like I said, once he said the household cleaner in your body, it's my, I
actually know when, when he saw both sides of a neo-Nazi and, and, and people
protesting neo-Nazis or whatever the fuck happened.
All I know is a neo-Nazi in his dodge fucking challenger ran over an innocent
woman and killed her.
And he's like, well, you know, there's two sides to every argument.
I'm like, all right, fuck this guy.
Um, anyways, but I know you guys think of a Hollywood liberal, unless you live
in a red state, then you think I'm a, uh, no, unless you live in a blue state,
then you think I'm a Trump.
I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck it is.
Or maybe I'm just reading a couple of emails and acting like everybody thinks
what five fucking psychos think.
Maybe that's what it is.
I have no idea.
Um, so I was going on my walk and I went by these, um, this lovely family
acting like there wasn't a pandemic.
I had everything.
I don't know why I didn't just yell at them.
They were on the other side of the street.
Like, why aren't you guys wearing masks?
Do you want this to last forever?
I just can't do it because their kids are there, but seriously, it's just, it's
like, what are you fucking special?
You know what, you know what I fucking, you know, I'll tell you what I fucking
heard.
Do you know, like when you, when you're fucking, you're at the airport, right?
And something's going on with your ticket and you're standing in line and you're
waiting your turn and somebody's up there and they're talking and they're
talking and they're talking.
And you're thinking like, how fucking long does this take?
Right?
Because at the end of the day is you don't give a fuck about the end result of
their bullshit.
You just want them to get the fuck out of the way so you can go up there
because you are the most important person in the universe.
Right?
So you, but you stood in line.
As selfish as you are, you stood in line and you waited your fucking turn.
And you walk up there, the band's playing, the spotlight comes on and it's your
time to sing your little song.
And in the middle of your bullshit, somebody comes walking up to the counter on
the side because they just have a quick question.
Whenever that happens, man or woman, I had this, this, this fantasy and I
actually ended up seeing it years later in the movie.
Once upon a time in Hollywood, you know, when Brad Pitt grabs that chick by the
back of the hair and fucking repeatedly smashes her face on the man.
That's what I want to do to the person.
Oh, did you not see the line?
You have to stand in the line to get up to the fucking counter.
You can't, you fucking.
Um, I used to see, now I just say something.
I just look right at him.
I go, buddy, there's a line.
And you know what those cunts do?
They just ignore me.
And then that makes me even more angry.
And it's just like, what happened to the world where this guy get the old
Sunday punch right in the old fucking kazoo?
Um, oh, shut up, Bill.
You're not going to punch anybody in an airport.
You're a law abiding fucking pussy.
Yes, I am.
All right.
Um,
Anyway, that's why I look at these fucking people with masks.
Can somebody start driving around and just yelling at people who don't have
masks on?
Just do it in a company.
Hey, it doesn't apply to you.
The wearing the mask thing is for other people.
My other favorite thing is the no mask person who then walks in the middle of
the street.
I mean, just get a fucking mask.
Nah, get a bandana.
Tie a t-shirt around.
Nah, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
That's inconvenient.
It makes my face sweaty.
But I don't want to get it.
So I'm not going to walk by the other people.
So instead, I'm going to walk in the middle of the fucking street and make
somebody have to slow down and then decide what level they're going to push
their horn.
Do I go with a peep?
I fucking hate myself that the other day I peeped at somebody.
I should have just blasted the fucking and said, get out of the fucking road
and put on a mask, you stupid cunt.
You know what fucking kills me is all of these fucking people out here.
They're sitting there and they're bitch moaning and complaining.
The government isn't doing this and the government isn't doing that.
Right.
And then you got like there's like a third of the fucking people are outside
walking around with their fucking masks on.
It's like, are you anarchist?
Do you want to like do you do you want the whole fucking thing?
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Moving on.
All right.
Let's get back to the Matrix.
Did anybody watch the Jordan documentary last night?
The last two fucking episodes?
Another amazing couple of episodes.
Thank God that thing came out now.
Jesus Christ.
I didn't know that they had footage of that that that scrimmage I always heard
about in the.
In the Olympics in the 1992 dream team.
I felt bad for Tony Kukoc too.
Is it Kuko?
They kept calling him Kuko.
It was Kukoc.
The whole time he fucking played in the NBA.
I thought that's 