Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-20
Uploaded: 2020-05-22T02:46:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-22. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. How are you?
How's it
going? Jesus Christ. Good news. According to the USA Today, the CDC, Center for
Disease
Control, said that the COVID virus does not spread easily on hard surfaces or
on surfaces
or whatever. Right. That's a good thing. Now, for all you mouth breathing morons
out there,
they didn't say that it doesn't spread. They said it doesn't spread easily. You
know, like
you can bend over and tie your shoes, but can you do it easily? Right. If
someone were
to play the audio of you tying your shoes, would people be like, would they
guess you're
tying your shoes? Is that what they would guess? Or would they guess it was
some sort of assault
happening? Number one reason to stay in shape is so when you go to fucking put
on and off
your shoes, you're not going, hang on a second, face turning all fucking red,
seeing those black
splotches right before you pass out. And then you do a fucking header, right?
And that's
it. Now the whole family can't go out to in and out. That's what a hamburger is
all about.
They can't go anymore. Why? Why can't they go? I'll tell you why. Because you
got too goddamn
fucking out of shape. You went to tie your goddamn, oh, who can, who's can, who,
when you get
that out of shape, that's when you just get the Vans, right? You get the slippies,
slip
them on, slip them off, right? Greatest generation though, they still wore the
Velcro straps.
You know, they didn't like, they didn't like the fucking slippers. It was too
easy for,
you know, that's when you wear the slippers. You wear the slippers when you get
too goddamn
fat to put your fucking, I mean, come on, what's wrong with you? You know, you
gotta,
you gotta record yourself when you're trying to tie your fucking shoes. Okay.
Do you want
to be making those fucking noises? You don't want to be doing that. Go out and
have a garden
salad. You know what I have been doing? What have you been doing, Bill? Oh, we're
just hanging
on your every word, you freckled cunt. This is what I've been doing. Um, so I
got all these
healthy fucking recipes and everything. And, uh, as great as it is to eat
healthy, you
know, cooking three meals a day for yourself sucks, right? What am I fucking
chef tell over
here? I don't want to fucking do it all the time. So what you do, what I do is
I, now when
I go out, um, I, I get the groceries, I come back and I put everything away.
Then I immediately
make like a breakfast, a lunch in a dinner that'll last for like four or five
days.
And I stick them in a giant fucking Tupperware. And then, and whenever it's
time to eat, I
walk to the refrigerator, like a fucking zombie. I dump it in the pot, I heat
it up and then
I eat it. And then I'm done. It's kind of the way it go. Um, I have this
healthy, uh, chicken
fajita, like soup thing that I make. And then I got these Turkey burgers, a
little bit of
spinach in there and this taco seasoning. And then I got these, uh, these egg
cups with
a, you put them in like a, it's a mixture that you put it with a little egg
white in
there. It's a mushroom, broccoli, onion, and a feta cheese. And you just pour
them in like
a muffin tray, third of a cup in each stick them in the oven. And there's your
breakfast
for the fucker week. I'm not going to lie to you. It does get boring. Um, but
it's, it's
also, it's an, it's an easy way to stay on your diet. If you, if you are trying
to,
to, uh, lose weight. Cause I know I come hard, I come down hard on the fatties.
You know,
some people, they go after ISIS. Other people go after Harvey Weinstein. I go
after the fatties.
And I think that that's what makes the world great is that, you know, you can
never can relax.
There's always somebody coming after you, no matter how good a person you are.
I've learned
that watching these animal videos, you know, we're sitting here fucking bitch
moaning and complaining
about staying in our houses and our apartments. And if you just look out the
window,
right, every animal you see for the most part is going to get murdered.
Like if they had insect basic cable, you know, and you know, the first 48,
first of all,
their lives aren't even 48 hours, the first 48 fucking seconds or something
like the amount
of them that get killed. Um, I actually saw a baby praying mantis on the hood
of my car the
other day. It was, wasn't even the size of my, my like fingernail. Um, it would
think was amazing.
Those things are scary as shit. And you stick them in a jar and they just
fucking, you know,
you need Joe Rogan and those guys to fucking announce what goes down next. That's
their
fucking octagon. You put them in the jar and there's something, if there's two
males or two
females, I forget what they just go at it. And then one of them gets the other
one in a headlock
with their fucking, uh, those basically the pliers that they have on the front
with the teeth and
shit. And they just fucking snap the head off and that's it. Something like
that happens. I have no
idea. I've been still watching those animal videos. There's a good animal video
out there. Uh,
animals that fucked with the wrong animal. Somehow a raccoon got in this
fucking zoo cage with these
fucking chimps and they were just fucking with this thing. And then when they
were done with it,
there's one just, just ever so slightly the way I would fling a sheet of paper
across the room.
It'd go maybe two feet, just grab this fucking thing and just threw it like a
Frisbee.
And the thing was like on its back with all four legs out, you know, I think I,
you could count maybe five or six rotations and then it landed on its back down
at the bottom
and it tried to run through a drain. And then, then it was a game. They ran
down,
they fucking pulled it back out again. Um, I don't know. It was fucking chimps,
man. Who knew
all my whole life, they were considered cute. You put them in a little suit
with a fucking hat,
right? And you had them for a pet. And then one person gets their face ripped
off. And the next
thing you know, everybody's looking at them in a different way. Um, I actually
worked with a guy
who got attacked by a monkey a long time ago. I had this gig and one of the
writers in there had
this crazy tattoo of a monkey on his arm. And he told this crazy, he told a
story about, I think when
he was a kid, he got attacked by a monkey. He went up and there was some
fucking organ grinder or some
shit, you know, with the balloons or something. And you go to give the monkey
like a nickel. I don't
know what happened. I don't know what denomination this guy tried to give the
monkey, but the monkey
wasn't having it and just fucking bit him or some shit. Right. So he was
telling me ever since then,
every time he works with the monkey, he fucking stays away from it. And he was
talking about when he was
writing for commercials, you know, commercials, that's like, that's the number
one acting gig
monkeys get, you know, they're going to be in a fucking commercial.
You know, there was the heyday was the late seventies when Clint Eastwood was
sort of between
dirty Harry and, uh, the unforgiven. And he made those monkey movies. That was
a good time,
but he only liked the orangutan, which my whole life, I thought it was orangutan.
Like the drink, you know, that the astronauts allegedly fucking drank. I don't
think they did.
I just think everybody at NASA bought stock and tank. Um, but anyway, uh, he
was saying
that basically this is for anybody who's in the business, like three or four
takes the monkey's
cool. And then it starts to get a little nuts. And then after about a half hour,
the monkey's just
going to do whatever the fuck it wants. It's, it's over it. You know, it's not
interested in getting
it's sad card. It doesn't give a shit if the movie does well. Um, that's, that's
a deal breaker.
You ever think about that shit? Oh, you know what? I didn't get any fucking
emails.
Uh, maybe I got some emails. I should check. I really liked that, that question
of, of basically
what a band that has a huge hit, but you think they actually have another song
that's better.
Um, also known as, as a deep cut or whatever people fucking say. Let me see if
I got any
goddamn things here. I have no idea. I was watching a bunch of NFL. I watched
the 1950 NFL championship
game, the highlights. Um, Kurt Gowdy hosted this show and they had like all the
guys on there.
Luke Rosa, Otto Graham, um, didn't have Marion Motley though. I was kind of
hoping he was their
running back who I guess was one of the great running backs before Jim Brown.
And he had a great
football mind and wanted to get into coaching and they just wouldn't give him
an opportunity
at all. That's the one thing, you know, when you go back and you look up the
players, but like the
level of racism back then was just fucking brutal. Not saying that people aren't
racist now,
you know, but like you can get a job, right? I guess I'm white. What the fuck
do I know? But I'm
just saying like this guy, he went back to, uh, was it art model? And he just
said, no, there's
just no openings. And then he hired some guy that wasn't, you know, less
experienced, wasn't as
qualified. And then art model was like, well, we have quote 12 Negroes on the
team this year.
That was like his defense. It's fucking ridiculous. So, um, anyway, but they
have footage of all of
these games. Um, just sort of watching them and you know, that whole theory
that all they did was
just run the fucking ball is bullshit. They threw it a lot. The game I was
watching, both the Rams and
the, uh, the Cleveland Browns were throwing it a whole bunch. And I actually
read this really cool
comment on the YouTube page. This guy was saying, um, you know, they say the
greatest game ever played
1958, uh, the Colts versus the giants and Yankee stadium. And that's the thing
that put the NFL on
the map and all that and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No one ever talks about
the 1950 championship game.
Uh, that was one on a last second kick by Lou, the toe Groza, uh, DeRosa. Um,
and they said that the reason why that game didn't get as much attention is
because that was the
Browns first year in the league and the NFL, the whole time the all American
football conference was
around, they were calling it a Mickey mouse league and saying it wasn't
professional. So it was a really
bad look for the NFL that the first year, one of the expansion teams, the one
that won all four
titles. And I imagine they were going like, yeah, if they came over here, they
lose to the worst team
to miss Mickey mouse, fucking league. See, you know, whatever they were saying,
they came in
and they did during the regular season, they defeated the, uh, two time
defending champion,
Philadelphia Eagles. And then they came in and defeated the, uh, former
Cleveland Rams. That was
another thing. Another part of the drama was it was, uh, the all American
football conference
team that drew more than the Cleveland Rams. So they left to go to LA to become
the Los Angeles Rams.
And now they were coming back to kick the ass of the team that drove them out
of town in the inferior
league. And they came in and what happened? They didn't get the old right there,
Fred. They did at
the end of the game. So this person was saying that the reason why this game
doesn't get as much
attention is because it was a bad look for the NFL. It was embarrassing. And
the 1958 game was a
better look for them because even though it was the Colts, it was the NFL Colts.
It wasn't the
all American football conference Colts that folded like a year after they got
into the NFL. It was
the rebooted Colts. I think they came back in 1953. Jesus Christ, Bill, what
the fuck do you want
for me? It's a goddamn pandemic. Um, so the Rams had a quarterback called Bob
Waterfield. Uh,
and the Browns obviously had auto Graham. Those were the two starting quarterbacks
and Marion Mot