Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-25-20
Uploaded: 2020-06-25T20:18:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-25-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-25-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-25. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-25-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i just realized why am i
checking in on you
huh i mean i used to check in on you just to see how your work week was going
you know i'd pop in how's it going how's the old fucking you know that chatty
fucking chick
down the way and everybody's fucking business did you have to go to fucking h
yeah you know
i check in on you i see how you were doing but you know what you're living my
life now
you're home you ain't working right you know all of us fucking douchebags and
show business we don't
fucking work right we just fucking sit around and we make your videos telling
you how you can be better
people right yeah that's right you know why because you're the good person you're
a good person
um i love the internet i don't give a fuck what your message is i don't give a
shit
what you say you are gonna get a fucking trashing
hey everybody i take responsibility for my part and polluting the oceans and i
will try
to consume less and recycle shut the fuck up you fucking celebrity cunt he's
against pollution
listen we've all been cooped up now we've been cooped up for a while you know
and some of us are stronger
than others and can handle this shit other people cannot other people what do
they do what do they do
they gotta stick their head out of the rabbit hole well it's almost over i
think it's time to open it up
nice going everybody everybody who had to walk around and be like this virus
thing
is designed to take down trump everybody saying trump came up with the fucking
thing
you know do you ever think that there's just seven billion cunts on the planet
and eventually someone was going to eat something
or fuck something and sneeze on somebody else we we all knew this was coming
how the fuck you can politicize a goddamn disease is fucking beyond me and if
you really think that
it came from the the red or the blue side i gotta tell you if if this if this
is if this is what you
guys are saying it some of you guys are saying if you if this if this is what
this is did this did
this this wouldn't come from democrats or republicans it come above that above
that whatever's above
that like beyond oil companies i i would never say beyond banks okay because
that is the top of the
food chain okay everybody they always say as you become successful i'll tell
you right now the higher
up you go there's still going to be a dick in your ass because there's there's
still somebody above you
there's always going to be some but there there is there is a level you know
when you go on that
journey of power and you just you just keep trying to get up what is the level
where i don't have a
dick in my ass you know at what point is my money coming straight to me and it
doesn't go through
nine other fucking people and then i get paid with the check with that person's
name on it rather than
the person that the money initially came when does that happen and i'll tell
you when that happens
when you reach the level where you decide all right we need to do something
about the world population
in my hand i have a virus in my other hand i have the cure
i am going to release this but not before everyone at this table
gets inoculated i want you to all sit down i want you to trust me everybody
sits back right
they get inoculated is that the right word i don't know i'm not at that table
and then that's it does everybody feel fine everybody has the antibodies
wonderful
and then they just take the little glass thing off the birds are away
it's not coming from the president all right and it's not aimed at the
president the president i've
said for years you know the president is the president is basically that person
when your flight's delayed
you know that poor person who has to stand behind the counter and get yelled at
that's what the president
is you know it's not the guy who owns the fucking airline it's the person
wearing the airline's
fucking uniform and then you get to yell at that person and take out your
childhood on them and
fucking bitch moaning complain and all of that fucking shit because evidently
you wanted to roll the dice
with 300 other people's lives because you wanted to make sure you got to wichita
on time
so you could get there for the fucking i don't know the bake sale whatever the
fuck you wanted to do
you know i've been guilty of that shit when they delay a flight you fucking i
always think it's a
conspiracy i know what's going on here the fucking plane was only half full and
you weren't going to
eat it so now you're going to say there's a fucking light out and yada yada yada
and we're going to
fuck it i'm not saying they don't do that shit all right i remember a long time
ago when i i worked
a cruise ship the one and only time i ever worked a cruise ship and i'll tell
you it was sweet money
i took the gig i i the lady the lady literally called me and said hey we you
know a friend of
yours does these cruise ships and he recommends you and i said that's amazing
you know in my head
i'm like i need this money but i i i fucking told them i fucking told them i
said i'm not sure i have
a cruise ship act and they said to me uh no no no this is the this is the young
fucking cool
crowd you know all those all those fucking kids doing the method and the the
fucking uh molly
whatever their drugs are in this genre hey they love taking fucking cruises and
i'm thinking like
80 year olds they like doing that yeah yeah they fucking love it right so you
know
probably if i if i really thought about it i knew it was a lie but i needed the
money
i needed the money man right i mean look at you man my fucking legs don't work
man so i was just like
fuck it i'm gonna do it okay so i take the fucking gig and of course it's a
bunch of fucking old
people and of course i ate my balls and of course the captain wrote a letter to
the agency and i never
fucking worked again in the crew he actually did me a favor because when i did
this cruise ship this was
at least it was about 18 years i did about 2002 it was fucking like 18 years
ago jesus christ and
i was bombing so bad i was just trying to make the band laugh behind the
curtain so once you start
playing at the band you know it's it's it's a wrap okay the gig's over and all
that type of
shit i remember the guy smiley guy who was fucking hosting the thing was going
like hey you know
afterwards it was like this fucking dinner or some shit and all the acts me the
juggler i swear to god
the juggler whose fucking joints were all blown out from juggling and i
remember he was he was he had
this big fucking book on real estate he was getting his real estate license and
i was just going like
i have never been further away from the hollywood dream than i am right now i
am out in the middle of
the fucking ocean all right it was really the gulf of mexico but it felt like
the ocean to me all
right i don't know i don't understand how that's not a fucking ocean okay
because from space i can
see that it's surrounded by land that's the fucking ocean all right the goddamn
lake michigan the
second you can't see fucking michigan anymore you're in the ocean all right i
don't mind a lake
because there's no sharks in there all right but i am vain enough to be annoyed
with the fact that
if i go under in a lake they're never going to find my body all right because
the water is never
cold enough for whatever the fucking happens in your gut after you die to make
you to make you a
a fucking floater right you're going under and that's it that is fucking it
they're never going
to see you again so um yeah i was like i've never been further away from my
dream of somehow getting
in at the comedy store and being in movies and fucking whatever the fuck i
wanted i don't remember
what i didn't remember what i wanted to do selling out clubs or some shit so
these guys were all getting
like their fucking real estate licenses right or at least that one guy was so
the guy's smiley guy i
swear i know i've told this story before at some point i must have told this
story i mean this is how
old the crowd was he was coming out and he was starting the show he's like hey
everybody how's
it going you know bands playing and shit and he's like all right everybody he
goes if you're happy
and you know it clap your hands and they did and that's when i started that's
when the beads of sweat
started forming on my forehead going like this is this is not what the fuck i
was told that it was
and now i'm gonna get fucking bagged i'm gonna get fucking yelled at and all of
this
fucking shit and i told them i fucking said lady i i don't think i'm the guy
for this fucking gig
so whatever i get out there i'm doing my shit hey has anybody seen the movie
titanic
nothing in the crowd so you know it's a joke i go all right let me let me rephrase
that how many
of you people were on the titanic you know they're you know dentures falling
out and right
i'll tell you what kills me that was 17 years ago and now i look at those
people and now i'm about
probably yeah about 13 years younger than the oldest person in the crowd and
that's how quick it goes
um so i eat my balls all fucking week what is this getting to i'm getting to uh
uh
the correlation between what the airlines do sometimes not all the time most
times i think
they're trying to save your life and then other times you know jet fuel is
expensive so they're
gonna say yeah you know uh it smells like shit too much in the uh aft bathroom
you know they throw
in one of those aviation terms aft you know inside the cabin expedite you know
i even think that's a
fucking word i think they just gave that word for fucking stewardesses so they
could sound like they're
running shit post 9 11 pre 9 11 they never tried to expedite the boarding
process they were too busy
trying to get your shit faced why do i have this loud leather couch i don't
know i don't know why it
makes me feel like a man okay there i said it um so anyway i uh i ate my balls
and uh
then i sort of figured out what i had to do the little song and dance i could
do you know i was
fucking going back to some cleanies that i had or whatever and i i got myself
through it this guy oh
you got to meet all these fucking people you know these are the big wigs are on
on on the ship who
fucking book all the ships and i'm thinking like dude i don't want to get a
real estate license
okay i want to get on fucking tv and by the way there was no internet
connection no cell phone no
fucking nothing you went out to sea and your loved ones did not hear about you
they'd watch
the news every night to see if the fucking ship went under right um and when it
didn't make news
they're like well i mean i guess it didn't sink or they're in the process of
process of it right
now and they're going through uh they've probably seen their first shark at
this point
i'm hoping the hypothermia kicks in and numbs them from the neck down before
that thing comes
up and takes a uh what do they what do they call that thing that the the test
bite a little you know
hey try a little little tapas see what that tastes like yeah that's kind of
edible
you know that's when you want to be near a fatty somebody nice and fucking marbled
right like a
fucking cowboy steak um but anyway i i learned on that thing the musicians on
there told me one time
they were on a they were on a cruise ship and they got two giant fucking
engines right and one of them
fucking crapped out so obviously they could only go half as fast so they weren't
going to be able to
make all three stops on the fucking on the on the little cruise right so what
they said because they
didn't want to own up to it because then they'd have to owe money what they
said was that there was
a fucking hurricane in uh what's one of those fucking what's that city all the
whores used to go to
down in mexico you know come back with their hair braided all the white chicks
would come back you
kno