Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-06T18:39:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-06. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, July 6, 2020.
What's going on, and how are you?
How was your 4th of July weekend? Did you have some burgers?
Did you have some hot dogs, some fucking french fries?
Did you make a 7-foot hot dog, and your fucking neighbor was eating one side,
and you ate another?
You know, and you got mad because he ate 7 inches, and you only got 5, the
fucking selfish cunt, and you both walked away, right?
Is that what happened?
Or did you just say, fuck it, man, this is all just a fucking thing to take
down the guy that I want to vote for, and you fucking just had a party?
I don't know, I didn't do shit. I was just over here with the wife and kids. I
got the grill going, and we just did burgers and dogs, nice and fucking simple.
That was it. I kind of lived vicariously through other people's fucking shit
that they were doing.
All the fireworks out here was great, watching everybody shooting them off and
all of that stuff.
You know, it's always unfortunate. There's always somebody fucking, you know,
blows one of their balls off.
Ever hear about that kid over in Salem?
Ah, dude, he had a fucking pack of firecrackers in his right pocket, blew his
left nut off.
That's what's weird.
Well, evidently, I'll tell you how it happened.
Did you hear about it? It's my fucking story.
Evidently, the concussive force of the fucking explosion, when it hit his right
ball, what actually happened was his right ball was so concussed by the
explosion, it was thrown back like fucking Rambo, you know, after he blows up a
building.
And it slammed into the left nut so hard that it disintegrated.
It was fucking weird. It was like everybody was looking, you know, they saw the
one nut in there and they thought it was the left ball.
Turned out it was the right one.
It's like that movie Face Off with John Travolta and fucking Nick Cage switch
faces.
You don't know who's who, right?
That's going to be the next thing that they reboot.
I'm going to have that. I'm going to pitch that over at Netflix, a reboot of
Face Off, where it's about a kid who blows off his left ball and everybody
thinks it's his right ball, you know?
And then I get a couple of big celebrities to do the voices of the balls, you
know?
I'm just roughing this out here, okay?
And if you think you're going to beat me over to the Writers Guild to register
this idea, you're out of your fucking mind, okay?
This is going to be my next big score in the middle of this pandemic, okay?
And I have been scoring right and fucking left, all right?
Burt Kreischer introduced me to the wonders of a Heath bar.
I had one of those today, you know?
I was very happy I didn't have any fillings in my mouth.
Delicious candy bar, that was a fucking score.
Isn't there a candy bar name score?
Isn't there? I have no fucking idea.
Anyways, God bless everybody who went out there and had a good fucking time,
you know, breathing on people and shooting off fireworks.
You know, L.A.
There's no city.
I would say no city in the fucking world that has the level of just random.
Do you ever see the Stanford fucking college band?
You know, the whole thing.
Hey, man, we just like do whatever we want to do, man.
Don't ever watch that band.
The level of murderous thoughts that goes through your fucking head with those
fucking cunts all full of themselves, like what they're doing is so avant-garde.
It's just, I get it.
I get it.
You know, you could have actually got together and done something.
Instead, you chose to do nothing.
And now you're acting like you're actually thinking outside the box when you're
really just laying on your fucking back playing a trumpet, which anybody else
in any other band could fucking do.
You know, we don't have uniforms, man.
We're fucking Stanford.
We're crazy.
I feel like L.A.'s fireworks is like that.
You know what I mean?
L.A.'s fireworks is like if the Stanford marching band was exciting.
I will forever hate that fucking band because I went to a Rose Bowl game.
It was Stanford versus Iowa, and the Stanford band played the Farmers Only
theme song.
You don't have to be lonely at FarmersOnly.com.
They shit on these people.
They were guests in this state, and they shit on them.
And they did that classic fucking, you know, we live on the coast.
We live near an ocean.
Therefore, we're more intelligent than you are.
And in reality, farmers are growing our fucking food.
The fuck are you doing?
Building a website?
Go fuck yourself.
Having said that, what a beautiful campus Stanford has.
You know what I mean?
If you had to choose between the two, you got to go Stanford.
You definitely, there was no, there was no reason.
They know they're Iowa.
They know you're Stanford.
They know you got better looking broads.
You didn't have to rub their fucking noses in it.
Came out to this state with their best fucking overalls on, trying to have a
good fucking time.
And what did you fucking rich cunts do?
You didn't even have to do it.
You could have just been rich cunts.
You know, you could have just been, nah, you had to rub their face in it.
And I was like, you know what?
Fuck this band.
I would never say fuck that school.
It's a great school.
And I also like the football team.
But fuck that fucking band.
Fucking assholes.
Bunch of fucking band geeks.
And who got bullied in high school.
Right?
You know, got beaten with their own fucking clarinet.
And what did they learn?
All that pain.
All that sniffling as they were driving, you know.
Crying, practicing later on.
Trying to blow the fucking horn.
What did they learn?
They turn around and they repeat the behavior.
Unforgivable.
Fuck that band.
All right?
Anytime anybody brings up the band of the moment that everybody just loves to
hate on, I go, hey, what about the Stanford marching band?
Anyway, if I see one more ad for a posture corrector, whatever they call it,
fix your posture.
It's like, I get it.
You're watching me.
I understand.
I've never, well, actually, I clicked on it one time.
Maybe that's what it is.
I've been trying to be more cognizant of the way that I sit and that type of
shit, you know.
Because right now, like the move, you know, everybody out there with the
newborn baby, right?
You guys, you know the move, right?
If you have one of those exercise balls, I don't know what it is.
But you put the baby in your, your beautiful baby in your arms, and you just
sort of bounce up and down on the ball, right?
And it just, I don't know, it simulates like riding in the car is another thing
that just makes them fall asleep.
So, um, I got it down.
I got it down to a science.
I got it down.
Like, I, I get my, my son to so fall asleep that like, I mean, I, I set him
down like I set down my books after school.
Well, not that hard, but I mean, for a baby, it feels that hard.
Because with my daughter, I was like, oh, oh my God.
And I just feel like they, they can feel your, no, don't cry.
And then they start crying because they don't, they, they're like a dog.
They're just reacting to your vibes, man.
So, with this one, I'm just like, you know what?
He's asleep.
I'm going to stand up normally, and I'm going to walk over and just set him
down like I'm putting a drink on a table.
And that's what I've been doing.
And this little champ has been just, just, just sleeping.
Like, last night, I got to go from, um, let's see, about 1230 at night to four
in the morning already.
Precious.
Precious.
Three and a half hours of sleep, and then I was up for an hour.
And then I got to sleep for another three hours.
That's fine.
I'm cool with that.
I'm cool like that.
I'm something like that.
Get it, get it, but do, but do.
Whatever that fucking early 90s hip-hop was that I missed out on all of it.
Because I was too busy starting out as a comic.
Um, I've been posting some of this shit that I finally cleaned out my office.
My office is, it's done except for a couple of photos that I want to put up.
Uh, I got one of me and Patrice.
I got one of John Bonham when he's behind his green sparkle kit.
And a couple others.
Then I'll be done with my office.
And now, for the first time in years, I love my office.
I can move around in it.
It's fucking nice.
As opposed to stepping over shit and just thinking, you know, at some point.
At some point, I really need to organize my stuff.
And I finally did it.
Um, for the most part.
It's like 85% organized.
And then I just got excited.
And I just threw the last two fucking boxes in a closet.
And I was like, all right, that's it.
I'm done.
I'm done.
And the reality is, what is so funny.
About all of that shit.
It's all memorabilia and stuff from my past and everything.
Other than some family photos and shit, pictures with friends.
The reality is, is if you took all of that away from me, you know.
First of all, how long it would take for me to even notice that it was gone.
And I would get rid of all of it.
But I, it's just going to end up in a dump somewhere.
So I feel like if I keep it in my closet, at least animals won't have to deal
with it until after I'm dead.
That's what's amazing.
With plastic and shit, like how long you're going to be continuing to pollute
the planet after you're dead.
And I really think that we have solutions to all of this shit.
If these money grubbing fucking old families would just get the fuck out of the
way.
That's, that's a stupid fucking statement.
I just, if the, if the mindset of a corporation could just change, we could
just do the fucking right thing would be tremendous.
Which I think eventually we will get to.
And I think like most things, we're going to wait till the last second.
I'll get better before, it gets worse before it gets better.
Who the fuck knows.
But I am out here right now in my office.
My now clean office.
That I am loving.
I'm hanging out here.
And I, I got to put my daughter to bed here in about eight minutes.
So I wanted to knock out a few minutes of this podcast.
At least a couple of minutes is what I wanted to do.
Um, and then I'll do the rest of it.
So there'll be a little bit of a jump here, but you're not going to notice.
Cause I'm going to fucking edit it out.
Obviously.
Um, full disclosure.
Um, and then I got to, obviously then I got to go back in the house and fucking
deal with, uh, yeah, the rest of my night.
Which my son has been real good about sleeping after midnight.
I can't get too mad at that.
He gets a little fussy 1030 to midnight.
And that's when you just have to like step up as a dad.
And, uh, that's the one thing that I have really, really learned is just how
much breastfeeding takes out.
Of the woman, the woman, it's she, my wife finally just goes, bill, you have to
understand they're literally sucking.
They literally suck the life out of you.
And I was just like, you know what?
I get it.
I finally get it.
Cause I'm looking like, what the fuck?
You just sitting there, you know, you know, it's not, you have to concentrate
to make milk.
Your body does it on its own.
Just being a typical dumb guy.
Right.
And then you, you, you'll frigging hook the kid up.
Then you just sit there, you know, watching your shows and, uh, then the kid's
done.
And then I gotta, you know, I gotta, you know, change them and rock them and
burp them and do all of this other stuff.
I didn't realize, um, you gotta keep feeding your wife, your breastfeeding wife.
And that, and then you just, you just, you gotta fucking be there, man.
You gotta be that unselfish person in the locker room, wherever you need me,
coach.
That's what you do.
I cook dinner tonight.
I cook the lunch.
I cook the bread, do all of that shit.
I do all the fucking dishes.
Um, I am putting on a fucking clinic.
Now, if I could just somehow not lose my temper once every 36 hours at a, a
Bobby Knight level, you know, I think, I think I'd have something here.
I think I would actually have a, I think I would have a happy woman.
Okay.
Every married guy's fantasy, a happy wife.
What the fuck do I need to do?
What do 