Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-10T16:24:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-10. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm checking in on you
um hey i'll tell
you something that's going to be coming back i don't give a fuck how they're
going to do it
because they always do it they don't give a shit what's going on is the nfl i
know the nhl's trying
to fucking you know tom dick and harry whatever the fuck they're trying to do
right i don't know
what the nba is doing i don't know what the fuck any of them do i know the nfl's
coming back they
don't give a shit all right the real reason trump did not lock down in time was
the nfl told him to
shut the fuck up we have a super bowl to play
and then the next week trump was like well what about now they said we got the
pro bowl
all right then after that hey that was it then they shut the fucking thing down
so
virus no virus tuberculosis was something else i heard was getting thrown
around out there
tuberculosis season it's like didn't we cure that shit
did we cure that shit or just did just enough did everybody who had it died
i don't know i don't want to set things off all i know is i just looked up a
bunch of shit
on uh cam newton right and uh he seems like he's fucking pissed off and ready
to prove something
you know and all these patriot haters were all excited that tom brady signed
with the tampa bay
buccaneers and lo and behold we got one of the best quarterbacks in the league
for the league
minimum huh which means they got money for other weapons i think it's gonna be
tremendous i want to see
what bill belichick does with a guy uh that can actually is also a threat
to run i can't it's gonna be fucking amazing and this guy was saying that our
offensive line's gonna
be looking good i don't give a fuck if they play in front of five people they
got to bring football back
all right everybody knows football is what keeps america sane you know and i
know all you
fucking haters of america and your different countries where every one of you
thinks you're the first
clever cunt to say why do they call it football oh why the fuck do they call it
football why the
the fuck they fucking kick it off you cunt
they kick field goals they punt it's a fucking kick like every three goddamn
plays why don't you guys work
on not fucking crying anytime anybody on the other team looks at you and and
start having some
fucking shakespearean opera going on out there jesus christ
why can't why can't the people that play rugby play soccer and give soccer some
goddamn respect
around the globe jesus christ bunch of beta males running around flip-flopping
anytime anybody
fucking touches their sock the top of their fucking shoe i like women's soccer
better than the women just
go out and play these guys bunch of goddamn broads um sorry anyways i got
nothing guys i i just i just
think of something and i just i exhaust the topic because i am not doing
anything okay i am i i got nothing
i have no road gigs i'm in california they're shutting it down again i think it
is shut shut down i don't
know what the fuck's going on so all i've been doing is every day i try to go
on some sort of a outdoor
activity with my family back east um you know have the masks on and all that
shit and they're still
fucking shitheads walking around no masks they don't need oh my favorite they
have the mask on but it's
like beneath their nose you dumb cunt um uh just wish i would be like in a
cartoon you know i mean
you could pull the mask back and then stick some tnt in there and then let it
go right into their face
that's what i that's what i think about doing among other things but you know i
don't do it
i don't do it you know they're always sitting there talking about what mask shaming
i'm not gonna do
that all right i got two bad shoulders i'm on the other side of 50 okay you
know the best you're
gonna get out of me is a dirty look until you make eye contact with me and then
i'm gonna look away
like the weak dog in the litter okay that's all i have left at this point you
know before i was 50
i used i was really good at pretending i knew how to fight but after you know
that i'm on the other side
what's great about it once you're on the other side of 50 you can finally admit
to the world that you
actually actually actually admit to yourself that you're not really good at it
you don't really want to do it um
anywho uh so yeah i i think uh i want to see what the fuck this is going to
look like and i'm a little
nervous that it's the beginning of july and nobody's talking about football as
far as like
is it going to come back let me let me check my smartphone here let me see if
this fucking thing's
going to come back come on people i mean jesus christ this you know i actually
was listening to a
little bit of npr today in other words i was driving in the car with my wife
you know and they just had these two women discussing uh that trump's going to
cut funding
on schools that don't open in the fall and i'm like all right now they're going
to sit here and trash
trump and then but they didn't they were actually sitting there going well you
know it's difficult to
try to please everybody the kids don't really seem to get it but if you open
the school i mean there's
a bunch of adults teaching them and you know you don't want them to you know
catch it and then
breathe on somebody else and then they die but then again we got to move
forward and i just i was
listening to this i actually asked i actually turned it off my wife was like i
was listening to that
so i turned it back on turned it back on because i have realized that my idea
of sanity is not my wife's
idea and that i am also insane right i'm insane she's insane okay but i just
think she's insane
because her idea of sanity is not my idea sanity right does that make sense
that i that i fucking
have i given you a clue the bare necessities of life will come to you they'll
come to you every night
i gotta sing that to my daughter look for the bare necessities the simple bare
necessities forget about
your worries and your strife now when you pick a paw paw what does that mean or
a prickly pear and you
prick the raw paw well next time beware don't pick the prickly pear with the
paw when you pick the pear
try to use the claw oh god damn it i need to go do a fucking stand-up gig all
right this is the new
fucking this is the new normal you wake up you take your vitamins you go
outside you either get it and
live you don't get it or you get it you die and that's it that's it i think
covid's here to stay
it's fucking here to stay and you either this is this is mother nature's just
like you fucking cunts
you walking on your feet fucking cunts you up every river every ocean
every tree you made a mockery of ann arbor day arbor day whatever the it is um
ann arbor go blue um
i think she's just like all right all these white women saying enough is enough
you know what i'm
the original bitch i'm saying enough is enough and i'm unleashing this and i
don't give a
fuck i'm what the you guys are gonna do all right it is time i have let you i
have let the weak survive
for long enough with this race of animals every other race every other species
wrong word every
this this species of animal the weak have got to go that's what mother nature
say
is that what she's saying or are we just i don't know i don't know what i just
um
i don't know what i'm gonna do here i'm gonna have to take up another fucking
hobby
you know i am literally out of shit to talk about i drive around in my car and
i look at houses that
i like and then i go and i go on zillow and i get really disappointed if they
haven't been on the
market and i can't see pictures of every fucking room in there how weird is
that you know and i was
mentioning the other day that i actually like craftsman style houses but i
gotta tell you this
after you know being basically the gentleman's peeping tom because i'm not
looking at anybody i am
looking into your house but none of you guys are there and i'm doing it on zillow
right um
i've actually i i love the way a craftsman house looks from the outside you get
inside the
fucking thing it's just a little too creepy for me not into it so i think i'm
like mediterranean
style houses and then i like those ridiculously modern looking ones oh and me
and my fucking
lovely wife watched this show one of these real estate shows and there's this
guy
uh he's this builder and he actually did a photo shoot you know like smoking a
cigar and
and nia just started laughing like who the fuck is this ridiculous person and i'm
like i don't know
i love this guy already though why is he smoking a cigar like he just won some
sort of championship
you know and then i was like wait i smoke cigars so why the fuck not i was like
but i never did a
photo shoot that's a tough one it's really tough to do a photo shoot with the
cigar as a guy and not look
like a douche you know um but then again that's what i love about a cigar other
than the delicious
taste of a cigar is i just love how obnoxious it is it's like i'm going to
smoke this cigar and
everybody in a quarter mile radius is going to be aware that i am smoking one
um so anyway this guy
he makes these like 100 million dollar houses i mean how much fun is that to
look at the action
the just the the environmental disaster that a 100 million dollar house is you
know i'm not saying
that if i didn't create an app that i then sold for a billion dollars that i
wouldn't go out and go
buy one of these houses i absolutely would you know and once a year i would
have some homeless kids come
over and i would let them swim in the the guest pool
then i'd give him some bag of candy or some and then i would be like see i did
something
i did something for society so anyways this guy man i i gotta you know he
literally goes he's like
giving the lady all this right making her take her shoes off before she enters
the house he's gonna show
the house there's the builder he's gonna show the house um just massive massive
massive like
just just living in his ego at one point he's going i need someone to sell my
whole portfolio i'm
right now i'm holding 500 million dollars in earth right now is that what you're
holding there buddy
right but i gotta tell you this as much as this guy was living in his fucking
ego um
which is always of course entertaining to watch i don't know if he's ramping it
up for tv i gotta
tell you something this fucking guy's houses were amazing he's developing this
part of malibu
it's called the case i don't know why why not right why it's a hundred million
dollars why not
give it a douchey name she's standing there with a cigar and a hammer in the
other hand or architectural
plants um this guy makes an amazing amazing house the house was gorgeous uh
dude this is just the one
next to the ones that he's gonna make in this this area and uh the guy he said
it has over
4 800 feet of deck space you have like a mansion square foot that's a mansion
right you get like
5 000 square feet of anything you gotta you gotta mansion they have a mansion
of of of a porch square
footage on their porch um but the best part about this is because this guy um
loves cigars he actually
built a cigar room you know wine tasting room and then then there was actually
there was like a million
dollars worth of wine in there um in the wine room and then next to that there
was a cigar like a
fucking like uh what do you call a cigar bar like in the house these four
fucking leather chairs this
sick-ass smoke eater and then you could just walk out on the deck and you could
just look at the canyons
and on the other side you could look out the ocean it was it was and it was not
like gaudy
if i could say it was it was somehow an understated hundred million dollar
house i absolutely
fucking love this it's i don't know this is what i'm doing to get through it i'm
just looking at
ridiculous
fucking houses i just can't fucking imagine that
you should have seen