Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-13T18:38:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
july 13th 2020 hey how come how come that's not bad luck how come just like the
number 13
you know every month isn't bad if it's friday the 13th how the way the fuck did
that come from
well those interesting questions and others will be answered in the next hour
um i actually have
a couple announcements to make all right uh nate bargazzi one of the funniest
comedians and best
joke writers i know has a new podcast on the all things comedy network called nate
land premiered
last week subscribe on itunes spotify and wherever else podcasts are available
and uh paul dude i
called it verzi who's our next guest on the bill burt uh podcast has a new show
and network uh dude i
called it where guests tell about the time they called something and make
future predictions this
week bill burr that's me kfc from barstool sports and tom green look at those
big guests i'm not saying
i'm a big guest but there's other guys subscribe on youtube all right let's get
down to fucking
why friday the 13th why is friday the 13th you guys know you want to know the
fucking answer
unlucky why is it unlucky oh is that because jesus got his fucking get nailed
to the fence there some
shit on by shuffling digits of the number wait a second friday the 13th all
right is considered
unlucky day in western superstition it occurs when the 13th day of the month in
the gregorian calendar
falls falls on friday which happens at least once every year but can occur up
to three times in the
same year for example in 2015 friday the 13th occurred yeah but why all right
the irrational fear
i like that i like the way wikipedia wrote this the irrational fear of the
number 13 has been given a
scientific name uh tricks could they did a phobia and on analogy to this fear
friday 13th is called
who gives a fuck according to historian donald dossie oh the great double d he
liked the ladies with the
big titties um
you just scared the fucking shit out of me my eyes are going bad you just came
walking in he didn't tell me
coming out here my wife just walked in i knocked on the door oh you did
there's a mouse in the house there's a mouse in the house
yes okay
it was in the pantry
and i saw it in the pantry and then it ran into the laundry room and i closed
the laundry room
okay so it's all right
probably coming from like a duck behind one of the machines scratching
scratching scratching
you have to come get rid of it oh for fuck's sakes
not right now no i'll get it i'll kill the phone i'm not gonna kill it i'm
gonna let it out the
fucking side door it's definitely in there yeah what did you make sure the the
thing's not gonna come
running back out underneath the door
did you put anything under the door
what am i doing now
what am i doing am i going over there to get rid of this fucking thing or am i
am i finishing
this is what you do walk outside the house open the door to the laundry room
and just fucking let the thing then open the just let the thing run out
okay you think you're scared you should try being the mouse thinks you're gonna
eat it
you know what don't do anything just don't do anything
all right you know what i'm gonna go now because the fucking thing because we
got it right now all right hang on a second everybody
all right i'm back i'm back wasn't a mouse it was a fucking rat walking halfway
back to the house
she goes they had a really long tail i'm like how long is the tail and she goes
it's like this big
how big was the body well yeah it's like it's that's a fucking rat it's it was
long gone by the time i got
there so i grabbed my kid grabbed my kid's little fucking aluminum baseball bat
i was walking in there
going like this is stupid i should have got like a fucking mop handle get a
little distance between
me and that thing it's got the next covid so so there you go i'll tell you
people get yourself an old
house you know it's got character it's got fucking varmints i gotta deal with
that bullshit
yeah it's just part of living here you know i remember when when my wife was
pregnant with my daughter
you know we rented this house because they were redoing the kitchen one of the
last
fucking things we had to do on the house so it'd be a brand new kitchen
everything's ready to go
everything's up to date um for when the kiddo gets here and of course we rent
this fucking house
and one night my wife was upstairs i had a bunch of buddies of mine over
smoking cigars and
there was a fucking mouse in the goddamn house i'm like all right let's get
this thing and you can't
tell my wife that it's in here or else we're gonna have to rent a different
house i don't want to
deal with this i swear to god you could end any woman rally all they need to do
is let a couple of
mice go and it's it's a wrap all that warrior all of that bullshit that they're
talking about
i literally was excited when she once i realized it was her you know my eyes
are good i gotta get some
glasses um i thought she wanted to come on the podcast you know no i have
another job
just uh i gotta be honest with you that's what's killing me i love being a
parent i love being a
husband but this fucking bullshit where all they do all they do is ask about
your kids
and your wife oh she had another one oh god bless her oh how is she doing oh
that's great how are
the kids not a peep not a peep about the guy i i have done more jobs in the
last
60 minutes getting ready to go do this thing you know i had to take a
stepladder put this goddamn up on top of these shelves take the stepladder down
bring that thing
down there's too much you know she orders all this food there's not enough room
in
the fridge now i gotta get the goddamn bread out i gotta bring it out here to
the garage to stick
in this little ass fucking fridge do that i gotta get the kid a fucking bath
and the kids got the
bubbles but all of this non-stop non-stop and all i want to do is come out here
and find out why
friday the 13th is unlucky and all of a sudden she goes oh justin king one more
fucking job here
9 20 at night by the way i'm knocking this fucking thing out sunday night
because i got a bunch of
bullshit tomorrow i thought this was a fucking pandemic i thought everybody was
standing around
bored out of their fucking minds oh god now i gotta have some other fucking
another guy coming over
here more fucking money more money more money no gigs no gigs more money so we
go out to dinner tonight
right we had a great time by the way didn't go out today and went out to go
pick the fucking
shit up so i go to this place the smokehouse in uh the valley i love that place
right so we ordered a
bunch of fucking food and we're standing in there and waiting for a fucking
order this fat comes in
right he's got a mask on but you know fatties you know how they are they're
about immediate
gratification because he's so fat he can't deal with his hot breath behind the
mask so the
fucking dope pulls his mask down and he's just standing there with it over his
mouth as he's
breathing through his nose i swear to god i swear to god
what do you need to know to get a driver's license i can't believe that people
can be that
fucking stupid and still have a fucking license to drive down the street into a
fucking crowd of people because they're so fucking stupid how fucking dumb are
you
jesus fucking christ
i swear to god this whole fucking like just lowering the goddamn bar
it's just fucking ridiculous they just keep lowering the fucking bar and
everybody's proud and
everybody's a fucking hero and you know what no one's getting the job done
this was a fucking adult who you know has procreated and he can't even fucking
put on a mask right
god the kovid's only in my mouth
would you go down on a bat and fucking hong kong you fucking more i i can't i
can't deal with
that i can't deal all right whatever plowing ahead plowing ahead all right
according to uh
folklore historian double d donald dossie the unlucky nature of the number 13
originated with a norse myth
uh now what's norse does that mean nordic i hate wikipedia you just it's just
when you think you're
at this level dumb norse mythology is a body of myths of the north germanic
peoples oh jesus my people
we had a rough last century okay you know we got a little beside ourselves
um all right uh where is it uh the north something or other
what the is it i just had it double d the trickster did i just blow past all of
this according to
folklore the unlucky number 13 okay it was a north smith about 12 gods having a
dinner party
and valhalla the trickster god loki uh who was not invited yeah let me guess
and 12 people didn't
want him to be there this is the isaiah thomas of the you know of the gods and
he's still
blaming everybody else you know i had i had enough miracles to be there um who
was not invited arrived as
the 13th guest and arranged for however you say that h-o-o-r with some squiggles
over the top who
to shoot balder it must have been my fucking ancestor with a mistletoe tipped
arrow
uh dossier says balder died and the whole earth got dark oh so so this fucking
cunt
loki told this to shoot balder because balder probably didn't invite loki
you know and had daddy issues so she went ahead and did it is that what
happened
so the whole earth got dark and mourned it was a bad unlucky day geez that
bullshit
fucking story is why people get nervous this is why you have to look up superstitions
do you ever
hear the one that uh hat on a hat on a bed is unlucky and that was because i
guess back in the day when
people would take their woolen hats off you know they had a full head of hair
unlike me you know they
get static electricity and they'd see like the fucking the sparks in the hair
so people thought the devil
was in your hair so it was in your hair and you had your hat on it was also in
your hat if you put
the hat on the bed then the devil was in your bed and was going to fucking take
your spirit somehow the
fact that it was sitting on your fucking head was not a problem you know
surprised people didn't shave
their heads um anyways let bill let's take the fucking tension down here shall
we
god damn fucking rat in my fucking house i got two fucking kids in there
fucking little bastards now what do i do i sleep in my daughter's room tonight
i think i got to do that
little cunts um anyway i'll figure it out so anyways what the hell was i
talking about here
i was trying to have a good time here on the podcast um i've been watching a
bunch of drum videos and
shit um you know i'm looking at different drum heads and shit because i was
sitting behind my my kit
and i was just not having fun lately and i was just like i'm just stuck i'm
working on the same
shit i'm not getting any better i'm just spinning my wheels here i'm sick of
playing to the same
fucking songs and all of this shit and you know what i did i i guess you can't
say you don't tune a
drum you tension it for all you drum nerds out there i just i just detuned detentioned
whatever and then
just retuned up my fucking snare drum and just that alone was a different sound
and it made it sound
just a little fresher something different then i was like you know what i'm
gonna get some new drum
heads these ones seem like fucking worn out i've had them since i've owned the
kit uh which i got a
couple years ago so i usually just change out the snare drum head and i
actually broke a bass drum
batter side head because i didn't have those little sticky things on there so i
got that fixed
up so i know how to do that so now i'll fuck with the toms do something but um
i've gone down some
vinnie paul um of pantera rabbit holes but like lately i've just been really
just analyzing his drum
parts and how they fit in with what everybody's doing including the singer and
all that and god
damn it what a genius that guy was um i was lucky enough to meet him a number
of times
and uh came out to shows and we only hung out a couple of times we were such a
great 