Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-17T17:36:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-17. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you it's thursday
everybody
in case you're losing count out there it's thursday july 16th even though i
think most
people are kind of back to work on some level even though i heard they're going
to shut down
california again because uh yeah you know we're not doing what we need to do
i don't know what else to tell you we're just not doing what the fuck we need
to do it's embarrassing
and i'm sick of talking about it but guess what take me out to the ball gate
take no wait let me do
the new the the covet don't take me out to the ball gate keep me away from the
crowd
but if i like trump i'm not wearing a mask
you fucking i don't even know what the fucking i'm watching at home
but i can't smell grass because i'm sitting in my fucking living room waiting
for mouth breathers to
just do what the cdc says or else the whole ponzi scheme's gonna collapse and
we'll all have to eat
each other all right um i shouldn't just signal at trump people there you also
like young people and that
type of shit you know i went and i got uh you know i smashed my cell phone
screen
um i forget how i initially did it and just kept getting worse and worse and i
was going to eventually get it fixed
um oh i remember i smashed it in the fucking apple store that's right
because they weren't helping me with what i needed to help and i was throwing
shit back in my bag
and i didn't realize my phone was underneath it that's how i initially cracked
it then i
kept going and going and going so whatever
so ended up uh got to the point where i was wearing the old sweatpants old billy
workout
oh billy freckled buns of steel there i had my my sweatpants on and it just to
update people who
missed the podcast i was getting into a car and as i was closing the door you
know sweatpants it just
slid out of the pants and got the old malachi crunch for you happy days fans
out there between the door
and the car cell phone in the middle being the meat on the sandwich there um
so then i couldn't even do anything on the screen and blah blah blah blah blah
so i ended up getting a new
phone because all the apple stores were closed and uh i found this person that
actually repairs screen so
i just had the thing fucking repaired finally guy did it in an hour his it was
a guy working by himself
you know the other worker didn't show up that day he was answering phones and
he still with all the customers
and all that shit still got me out of there in an hour said i'll have this
thing done in an hour and i'm sitting in there
and then what's this fucking guy cubs jersey take me out to the ball game he's
wearing a mask his buddy comes in no fucking mask
young kids right and then another one of their friends comes in he's young kid
and he's walked as he's walking into the store he's starting to put his on
so
i don't know and somebody else was showing me how parents are starting to have
like these parties
where if one kid is infected with covid a low level of covid whatever from
their non
medical having fucking asses they're just diagnosing that and then they're just
trying to give it to other kids
so they get the antibodies and as far as i know that there's no proof
that once you get the antibodies that once they go away you can't get it again
i don't know what the fuck people are doing i haven't heard anybody
with a lab coat and a degree saying that that's what you should be doing
but people are going to work with chicken pox
and this is what happens this is what happens when you're a divided country
because of fucking
you only have two news networks but i think they really need to be they need to
be broken up
but what the fuck do i know i'm just a goddamn comedian so don't listen to me
i will tell you this i watched that moto gp race
moto gp's coming back uh this sunday
the full fucking monte there where uh i watched the moto gp qatar race
from in march uh march 8th right before this whole thing shut down uh it was a
moto gp 2
race
well for those of you aren't race fans that's like the triple a
and uh joe roberts the california kid an american
had a great showing
uh there was some guy forget his fucking name the guy was like
he was uh winning the whole damn race
and joe roberts was pressuring him and he kind of ate up his tires
did this guy and uh
then for a minute joe roberts was in
first place an american on a motorcycle winning
and uh just below the tippity top of the motorcycle sports world and it was
very exciting
he had the stads and stripes on his helmet which i loved
and uh but i hope i say it right uh tetsuta nagashima
it's japanese writer who just wrote an incredible race
um ended up passing him and then a couple of italians also passed him
lorenzo baldassari and ania bastiani
no bastianini bastianini right they all passed him so now he wasn't on the
podium
but it was still a great showing for the young kid i'm hoping you know
he's gonna do some things in moto gp too and we'll get an american
we'll get a ride up on uh moto gp but
uh big news is it all starts back up the real deal
and i'm telling you look if you're living in the united states of america for
whatever
dumb reason they don't televise it over here they used to
on fox sports but they stopped
um moto gp you can only watch on moto gp.com
i highly highly recommend it if you're into
uh racing this is the best racing out there it's not even close
um
the level of passing excitement that i've said i absolutely
100 sold on this sport and um
you know i watched something really interesting on their website
where it showed all the muscle groups that you need to ride one of these bikes
and basically when they open up
the throttle
wide open when they're flying down
you it's you need basically the same amount of strength
you would need to do a pull up 110 percent of your body weight
so let's say i weigh unfortunately like a you know bucks
i think i'm i think i'm a little less than 180 180 is my one time when i'm just
like i got
fucking drop some weight let's say i'm 180
so that would basically mean uh 190 and about a hundred and not like i was
going to do like
a pull down of 198 pounds which i cannot do
and that's basically you have to be able to handle 110 percent
of your body weight so you don't get blown off the back of the bike
and then when they slow down and they go into the turns
it's like riding a horse where it's like you're using your legs
holding on to the bike and then you got to keep your forearms relaxed because
those are your controls
and uh there's all these kinds of g-forces obviously i have no scientific
background they have a great
video that i should repost why don't i repost i'll repost it
um that shows all the muscle groups that you need just to keep that thing on
the bike
you just keep yourself on the bike
um
and what's amazing is once they get up to speed on the straightaway
which is usually the start finish line always seems to be the long straightaway
um there's like a two or three second
moment where they can kind of relax and catch their breath before they do it
again
it's fucking unbelievable and if you've ever had a chance to drive a car around
a racetrack
which i did um when i was out in uh las vegas
just going five times around the track how much your brain gets thrown around
and just how you'd be like
you feel like you flipped the car at least i did
it's just like
yeah this is why i like the cadillac el dorado i just want to cruise down the
fucking street
i don't want to be whipping around corners and shit
um anyways check it out you get a whole new level of respect
for uh racing um because you know for whatever reason in this country you're
either totally into
it or you're just being like dude they just drive around in a circle fucking
stupid
um yeah so major league baseball is back today today uh yankees versus nationals
hopefully aaron judge is back and he's all healthy so you get to see what that
giant mickey mantle is going to do
and then one of the greatest rivalries ever going back to brooklyn
at ebbets field and the polo grounds
in new york city
up in hollum you got uh brooklyn and hollum you got a dodgers versus the giants
try to behave yourself fans um oh actually the fans won't be there
so that's a good thing crazy fucking west coast fans no one's going to get
kicked in the head
until they fucking die a few years later
you always got to bring that one up right absolutely um that one's going down
and then the next day i think the red sox has the have the blue jays or
something
i don't know who the fuck they're playing but uh i'm gonna watch a little bit
of that
and then the nba the nba um comes back on july 30th on the 31st
my beloved boston celtics play the uh milwaukee bucks
and at some point i guess the nhl is going to come back with some uh
round robin fucking like the the beanpot
sort of quick playoff system we shall see
we shall see
so that's what's going on in the sports world
very exciting
that um the sports are coming back
um
and i don't i don't know what else to tell you
hopefully the covid thing's going down
i don't know
um because like the rest of you i have been hemorrhaging cash
i have not fucking worked people in uh since march
okay and i've built bill i've i've squeezed a nickel here or there
i'll tell you that but jesus christ i mean i don't think i ever planned to take
a whole fucking year off
um
i'll tell you what's nuts right now is the price gouging
the fucking price gouging
if you want to try to get out
anywhere
you know personally i don't have a fucking problem
you know we got a nice house you know after i dumped all these fucking money
into it
um i'm fine staying here but you know
i've been able to run out and go do errands
so my wife's been going crazy
you know and she likes the beach
okay she has a little more pigment than i do
so she loves the beach i'm not into the beach at all
fucking ocean terrifies me
uh and the sand burns me up
so oh i'll tell you it burns me up
um so i'm not into that shit at all
but like i am into my wife and her happiness
and i love her to death
so i need to get her out to the ocean
so we were just looking at some you know
some just fucking little bullshit little bungalows
you can't fucking believe the money that they want
it's fucking ridiculous
we looked at one uh
just south of santa barbara
for like a friday through leave monday morning
they wanted fifteen thousand dollars
oh my that was the easiest go fuck yourself
that was let's go fuck yourself anytime
pandemic no pandemic
and you know remember that guy at the beginning of all of this shit
who hoarded the fucking hand sanitizer
basically the only american who took this shit seriously
so he made the proper investment
and he got fucking shit on and he had to dump his crap
what about all of these cunts
with oceanfront property
that are now fucking charging all of this goddamn money
i swear to god
all of this fucking shit that we've been talking
since 9-11
you know support the troops
and uh you know wave the flag
and all of that
it's all lip service
what it really comes down to it
it's if you can fuck somebody
you know you're gonna fuck them
that's basically
there's no fucking loyalty in any of this shit
where the fuck do you get off charging that money
oh it's what the market will bear
go fuck yourself
i'm so sick of that shit
that and and that's how business is done
well that's how business is done
you know if you were new to business
that's how business is done
what
you have a smile on your face
and the customer's always right
unless they're a cunt
you always have to have a caveat there
because there are a lot of cunts out there right
give people a decent portion of food
is that how business is done
no business is done this way
all the money comes to me
and i'm gonna fucking rob you blind
and then when you audit me
i'll then i'll just be like
hey you know
that's how business is done
hey