Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-23T20:55:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-23. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
no it isn't it's
time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm
just checking in
on you just checking in on you to see how you're fucking doing um i had a great
day today i went
out and i got a sandwich with my lovely wife we went out we got a couple of
sandwiches and as i
was sitting there across the street there was a pharmacy seeing how the ladies
are they're like
look at my man sitting there he's enjoying a sandwich i don't want that to
happen maybe
halfway through his sandwich i could fucking send him across the street to pick
up a couple of things
at the fucking uh the right dwayne aid right aid whatever the fuck they have
out here right
would you mind going across the street get some paper towels get some batteries
i was like yeah
fuck it why not right so um you know i eat like a fucking animal anyways right
i wolfed my sandwich
down and i was just sitting there that's probably what it was she was just like
i don't want this
fucking bald lunatic staring at me as i'm trying to enjoy my food so she sent
me across the street
so i go across the street all right and uh i pick up the items i come up to the
you know i see all the
candy there and uh burt kreisha i've been doing the bill burt podcast with him
once a week and uh
you know we started talking about candy bars and all these obscure ones that i
never tried
and he was going to the heath bar is the shit and i tried it i was like god
damn the heath bar is the
shit so i was like i'm gonna try a new one i'm gonna try another new one so i
saw a payday
i'm like god fuck it i'll try this payday right who doesn't like a payday right
i already i already
feel like a winner i got a little bounce in my step i got this fucking payday
right so i come walking
out of the store and there's this homeless guy there and he goes excuse me sir
can you help me out with
twenty dollars to get a gift visa gift card you know and i was in a good mood i
was like all right
this would be my good deed of the day fuck it right take out a twenty dollar
bill give it to the
guy and the guy oh god bless you thank you sir blah blah blah blah and all this
shit i go there he goes
now he can go get his gift card and go fucking do whatever he wanted to do and
as i'm walking away
another person walked by and i hear the i hear the same guy go can you give me
twenty dollars to get
a visa gift card and i so bad wanted to turn around be like i just gave you 20
bucks all right you you're
fucking over begging cunt i thought that's all you needed but i didn't you know
i was an older guy and
i you know what am i gonna fucking start screaming cut in the street not like i
haven't done that before
but you know i usually do it from the safety of my car as i drive by um so i
was like all right well
you know maybe he had a bad couple of days or who knows when the next time
somebody's gonna come by
and give him some money he's got he's gotta put his hours in so i left and i go
you know i go over
across the street my wife's finishing off her sandwich i tell the story and she
starts fucking
laughing her ass off at me right so i'm laughing too so uh we had a little more
time to kill and she
goes why don't we there's a magazine you know rack across the street why don't
we go fucking look at
some magazines so i'm like great i'll go over there maybe hoping against hope
that they have a moto gp
magazine or something about formula one racing something like that right
because i know all
the sports magazines have nothing to fucking talk about over here because there's
nothing going on
so i go across the street to go to the magazine whatever what the fuck do you
call when they just
have a wall of magazine magazine rack what do you call it those magazine
fucking things there do hickeys
so i'm going back over to the magazine thing and i passed the homeless guy
again and he
fucking looks at me he goes excuse me zagan you get me 20 dollars for a visa
gift card my wife just
bursted out laughing i hope he didn't think we were laughing at him in his
situation
she didn't laugh loud enough that he would hear it but it's just like jesus
christ you know
you don't remember me and my baby blue mask bringing out my eyes i am i that
forgettable uh
unreal so um by the way that whole fucking uh i've been watching you know i'm
on facebook i'm an old
guy you know i'm at least nine generations of social media behind everybody
else everybody's
moving on to tick tock i'm still wrapping up facebook that's how far behind i
am um
they showed this there was this video right of this guy going into a uh a
supermarket and this he
wasn't wearing a mask and the lady there's going excuse me sir you have to wear
a mask and he just
fucking refused you know um he looked like me when the tsa asked me to do
something right because
there are people out there you know they just don't like people telling them
what the fuck to do
i am one of those people right until people with lab coats start saying to do
the shit then i go all
right all right um that's just how i am so anyways he puts a mask on that has
it under his chin and the
lady confronts him again and he just fucking he loses his shit like i've done a
million fucking times
and then the security guard comes over saying you have to he said he wasn't
gonna leave to the lady
then the security guard came over so then the guy fucking leaves and so anyway
the video goes viral
and then this lefty presents it okay and he's doing the commentating over it
and all he's doing is just
shitting on this guy who's not wearing a fucking mask right which is what i've
been doing making fun
of fucking people and i just realized watching him do it this isn't the way to
get people to wear masks
because all they do is just dig it first of all he immediately assumed that the
guy voted for trump
and they was watching fox news and then he called him a coward when the
security guy came over it's
like what if when the security guy came over you you wouldn't leave the store
and i just kind of
realized you know watching that that i've kind of been doing that that if you
want people to start
wearing masks shitting all over them is not the way to do it and uh i just kind
of noticed i kind of
noticed uh i was like yeah i think i kind of it because i was sitting there
going look at this
fucking asshole if you want people to wear masks don't call them cowards and
all of that type of
shit this is why there's this giant divide and nobody's listening to the
fucking doctors
um so i actually uh you know as much as people shit on facebook i actually
learned something there
uh but i think at this point the whole fucking wearing a mask don't wear a mask
i just think is
out the window it's just becomes and now people are mask shaming people um
which i really i hate that
whole shaming suffix that's the new gate like everything you know watergate
then became
iran gate which became spy gate deflate gate now it's shame everything's like
shame i i think when
you're an adult i think doesn't it if you're really an adult and you're you're
a you're a fully developed
woman or man i mean like intellectually it takes more than somebody yelling at
you to wear a mask
to bring shame doesn't it match it can became fat shaming um all of that shit
um anyway i don't know
what the fuck i'm going with this i just think that where if we were all going
to get on the same page
on this thing it needed to happen within three months and now people just need
to go back to work
so i hope they wear masks when they do it if not but then i'm trying to be like
you know
maybe these people don't like their grandparents or maybe a maybe you got an
inheritance coming
you know so it's good for you to breathe on you know like hey granddad i've
always liked you
just get the guy all sick and next thing you know you get his uh
you get his fortune right i don't know i don't give i i don't give a anymore um
i mean i do but i i can't so uh and i've just been getting into like i just the
vibe of the podcast the
way people are writing and now it's like oh god am i in this douchey area did i
become that douche i
guess i did i even retweeted these guys wrote a these couple comics wrote a
funny sketch
wrote this funny sketch saying that racist people in and super people on the
left super like woke
people uh are actually having a lot of the same arguments and it was a really
smart
fucking comedy joke thing and i thought was really great and i just wrote
perfect this is
fucking great right and just the amount of shit that i got um
like this sketch was gonna like change things it was like it's just a fucking
joke it's just a
joke i had black people saying like oh so you think that fucking the woke
movement is racist it's like
no you fucking morons this is not making fun of people of color it's making as
far as i understood it
it was making fun of uh woke people woke white people
all right who are so fucking woke i don't know do i really need to fucking
explain it put it this way
one of the people that gave me about it was a white woman who literally wrote
about the sketch two white guys talking about race enough said and it's like
you are literally the
purse and then you look at a profile it says like spiritual and philosophical
conversations
you know that's who it's making fun of this person here who's so fucking woke
that she
doesn't realize the irony of her judging those two people that she doesn't know
uh based on their skin
color and their sex is hilarious it's like that's who they're making fun of so
i i don't i don't i
get why it was so fucking misinterpreted um i don't know the way i saw that
whole thing
if i remember correctly back about a year ago woke was something that black
people came up with and it
was something that they they bestowed on a white person that understood what
they were talking about
right and then somewhere along the line a certain group of lefty white people
hijacked the word and
then crowned themselves woke and started prancing around the fucking room and i
don't know with yoga
pants that said you know woke on it or some shit i thought that that's who the
they were that's how
i interpreted it so i don't know whatever you know what i'm just gonna just
stay out of all of that
shit it's just not because i give a fuck that people are yelling at me but my
job is to make you laugh
and i'm supposed to be having a good time and like who would ever fucking
thought that
breaking people's balls about masks and a stupid fucking sketch
i don't know my wife we got into it the other night about i don't even know
what
oh i remember i know we got into it about where uh you know when i go to put my
daughter to bed if i
go to put my daughter to bed it's a 45 minute thing all right i'm reading like
nine books
we sing the bear necessities she critiques my dancing like the bear and tells
me all the part
where that i missed and then when she goes to bed then we have to watch the
video and then she shows
me the stuff that i missed in the disney video and then we she goes to bed then
she tells me to tell
her a story then she says uh i want you to snuggle with me and just it just
goes on and on and on and
on forever my wife puts her to bed and it's it the whole thing's over in about
three minutes um
so she's laughing going she has you wrapped around her finger and so i was
going like well just you
wait okay because you haven't had my experience yet she goes what are you
talking about i said having a kid
that you know as a man to have a daughter that's just a different thing and now
you have a son so
you're gonna see you're gonna you watch how your heart your heart's gonna melt
in a different way
and i go but he's not gonna get you as bad because you know little girls and
women are just better
at like manipulation is basically what i said and that just fucking whoo that
just
fucking set it off and she goes i don't like that i don't think i 