Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-20
Uploaded: 2020-07-30T18:38:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-30. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in to see how your week's going.
Hope it's going all right.
I'm actually up early here. It's 5.24 in the morning.
We just had a fucking earthquake out here.
And I got to tell you something. I am pretty upset with how complacent I am
with earthquakes now.
I was in bed, of course. I'm an old man. I go to bed around 7.30, 7.35.
Get up at 10 to take a little Geritol. Of course, my bladder starts talking
around 1.30. No, I'm kidding.
And I went to bed at midnight. I still got a little life left in me.
So I'm sleeping, as you do, 4.30 in the morning, unless you're a trucker,
trying to make that deadline.
I'm out there driving all fucking night. There ain't no traffic out there.
Denny's open 24-7.
All of a sudden, you know, fucking bed starts shaking.
I wake up. I hear something smashed downstairs in the kitchen.
And at no point did I ever think that, well, what if my house collapsed and all
my loved ones, you know, are trapped?
I didn't even think that. I just laid there. I was just like, oh, it's an
earthquake.
Wasn't there some fucked up experiment where they stuck a rat in boiling water?
If you stuck it in boiling water, if you just dropped it in boiling water, it
immediately jumped out and tried to get out.
But if you stuck it in there and you slowly increased the heat, it would stay
in there until it fucking died.
I don't know if it was a rat.
I don't remember if it was an octopus.
I don't know what the fuck they used.
Do you realize how fucked up science is sometimes?
They actually sit there killing animals to try and answer their fucking
questions.
All right, everybody, we have a rat.
And over here we have a boiling pot of water.
And over here we have a room temperature.
Pot of water.
Pot of water.
What we're going to do is we're going to drop this rat into this boiling water.
And there's a bunch of people standing there with clipboards and fucking lose
fucking lab coats on.
And, you know, one of them has to be going like, dude, I don't want to.
Don't fuck.
I don't want to watch you put a fucking rat in boiling water.
I don't want to listen to this fucking thing screaming or whatever the hell a
rat does.
But they don't say anything.
Say they don't want to rock the boat.
You know.
They got they got they got to tow the company line.
And no matter how much those rats suffer, they're not going to say a fucking
word because they're chasing the carrot.
And the carrot is the fucking.
The robot human sex dolls that they're making a couple floors up.
That's what they're working towards so they can air quote work on that project.
Just basically go fuck a bunch of sex robots.
So these rats die day in and day out.
And that classic experiment that at this point I think is a trope.
How hypocritical is this?
Because I wanted to fucking take this scale that you get from stamps.com and
drop it on that mouse or that fuck.
Actually, the rat.
The rat really is.
I see why they made ratatouille.
You know what I mean?
Because mice are fucking cute.
They really are.
They're fucking adorable.
And it's something that I really do not like seeing.
I don't like seeing those videos where fucking snakes eat them.
But, you know, something happens to a rat.
You're like, yeah, fuck that thing.
You know.
Somebody tells on somebody they're a fucking rat.
Well, I guess a mouse isn't good either, right?
Quiet as a church mouse.
Christ, you sat there.
You're like a fucking mouse.
When are you going to learn to speak up for yourself?
I mean, both of them.
Really, at some point, you know, maybe they can jump on this fucking woke
movement, too.
You know, white women can somehow attach themselves to it like they got some
sort of fucking issue.
Then why can't the mice and the rat get it?
Oh, Bill, what are you talking about?
I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
I've been reading up on the War of 1812 and the fucking information on it and
the vibe of each article.
It's just wildly different.
You know, if I read a lot of the Americanized versions, what was going on was
England and France were going at it, as they always do.
You know, you can't get along with one another.
Listen, everybody in England knows that the French are better.
You know, they got better food, better culture, better artists.
You know, it wasn't until, you know, the white bands over there stole from the
black guys, the blues guys over here, that England became cool.
That's basically it.
I mean, it was never really cool.
I'm just fucking with you guys.
I'm just like, right.
Well, you told.
I don't know anything about any of this shit.
Anyway, they're going at it.
Okay.
France has this little fella named Napoleon.
You know, and to this day, you know, if you're a little cunt and you're running
your mouth in a fucking bar,
oh, he's got a Napoleon complex.
You know, and if you were a little shit, you should be like, what?
Oh, you mean that legendary general?
I said it down here.
You got a Napoleon complex.
I love the fact that there's been all of these lunatics throughout history
grabbing land,
enslaving people, doing fucking horrible stuff.
But, you know, as long as they were regular height,
they were just considered out of their fucking mind
or a great general,
depending on who won
and who you were listening to.
Right?
So here comes another just fucking lunatic
trying to expand and do all of this fucking bullshit.
And then there's, ah, he's doing it because he's short.
Making all short people seem like you got to keep an eye on them.
All right?
Those little fuckers,
they're so annoyed with being short.
Hey, those little fuckers will start a war that'll bring down your goddamn
country.
So anyway,
I don't know what Napoleon did.
I think he was yet another dumb person that tried to go into Russia
and spread himself too thin and got the shit kicked out of him.
Right?
Now wait, let's see how tall is Hitler?
What is with short guys taking their armies into fucking Russia
and getting their asses kicked?
You know?
Here's my question for people in Russia listening to this.
Is the third time going to be the charm?
You defeated the first two short guys,
but can you handle the third?
And three is a magic number if I remember from fucking Schoolhouse Rock.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
Some of this shit because of this podcast
in my search engine.
Adolf Hitler height.
You actually have his height and his weight.
He was 5'9".
He was not short.
5'9 was decent height back then.
Is there any picture of him
where he looks even remotely amused?
Okay.
Let's add this to my search engine.
Adolf Hitler smiling.
I just realized that this is the one.
These are probably the photos.
Oh my God.
He looks like Moe Howard.
These are the photos that they probably show
at like white supremacist meetings.
Hey, what a better guy.
I got to tell you,
he actually has a really nice smile.
Gives it entirely differently.
That's a poor fucking kid.
He's fucking crouched down
giving this kid a little hug.
These are disturbing.
What is he laughing about?
Look at this.
He's got his hair combed straight down.
I swear to God.
He looks like fucking Moe Howard.
Then there's a weird split picture
of him smiling
and they've added Gandhi in this one.
You got to love the internet.
It's just so fucking nuts.
The fact that I can look up
78 Adolf Hitler smiling videos
in HD footage.
These are all on Getty Images, by the way.
Photo of Hitler hugging Jewish girl.
This is just getting weirder and weirer.
Astonishing photo of Hitler smiling
and hugging Jewish girl Rosa Bernal.
I don't know what to say.
This is a jarring photo, evidently.
Now, what's the story?
The little girl was portrayed
as Adolf Hitler's favorite.
They shared the same birthday, April 20th.
She called him Uncle Hitler.
Jesus Christ.
And was known as the Fuhrer's child.
See, this is one of these things.
Is this fucking real?
Is somebody just fucking with me?
At a time when Nazi leaders...
Jesus Christ, I need to eat something.
Sorry about my stomach grumbling here.
At a time when the Nazi leaders
was being presented to the world
as a kindly figure,
his personal photographer
frequently snapped pictures
of the two of them
holding hands,
exchanging kisses
on the cheek,
or just smiling at each other.
Hitler refused to cut off contact
with the girl
even after he was told
she had a Jewish grandmother.
I mean, if this guy
isn't one of the weirdest motherfuckers...
Weird, I would say,
is a little light.
So anyway,
I was reading
these fucking articles.
So,
the short guy in France
who couldn't handle the fact
that he couldn't look down
a woman's shirt
when she bent over,
he was still looking
at the fucking dark side
of the moon of her titties,
you know,
then to compensate for that.
I don't understand
how winning a fucking war
makes him feel taller.
Or fighting a fucking war.
Anyway.
So,
England and France
are going at it.
As they always did.
So then,
because they were being
fucking babies about it,
the same way club owners
used to do this shit,
when two club owners
had a fucking fight,
then they would go
to the comics and go,
hey, you can't fucking work
for this other fucking guy.
If you work for this
other fucking guy,
then you're not fucking
working my fucking,
you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Then you had to make a decision.
They did that to America,
according to some of this shit,
right?
It was basically,
they both said,
hey,
if you trade with the person
that I'm fighting,
then we're fucking at war
with you,
and we're going to do
all this fucking shit to you
and all of these threats.
So,
we were stuck in the middle.
So,
I think Thomas Jefferson said,
well,
then fuck it,
we're not trading
with either one of you,
and then our economy
shit the bed.
So,
then everybody was screaming
and yelling
like they do nowadays,
except there was no internet.
So,
they were running around
in their night shirts
holding up a fucking lantern.
I don't know,
you know,
yelling at somebody,
saying,
we got to pick a side,
we got to do something.
Oh,
fucking yo.
and then they were fucking,
you know,
England was breaking
all these maritime laws,
boarding our ships,
and then,
some articles say
if they found
an English deserter,
they would take the person
and stick them
back into their navy,
and then other ones
are suggesting
that they would just
take Americans
and make them,
like,
kidnap them
and make them fight
for their navy.
So,
I don't know
what's going on there.
And then,
other ones say
that because Britain
and France
were going at it,
we used it
as this opportunity
to try and expand
and then go into Canada
and try and claim
some shit.
All I know
is we lost
some big fights.
We won in Baltimore,
right,
where Francis,
Freddie Scott Key,
whatever the fuck
his name is,
he wrote
the National Anthem.
He actually
ripped it off.
He wrote the lyrics,
but it was to a fucking,
an old British
drinking song.
He went Jimmy Page
on them.
You know,
ba-da-da-da.
I see the old glory
fucking sitting there
and the fucking
bombs bursting in the air.
It's like
Out on the Tiles.
Out on the Tiles,
I guess,
was an old British
drinking song.
I'm out on the tiles.
I had a little drink
and I heard Jason Bonham
sing it one time,
right?
So,
they basically did that.
And then,
there's this whole
fucking thing
that alludes to
indentured servants
and slaves
having no refuge
in the second verse.
So,
this is just
some dumb song.
He went P-Diddy.
He took a fucking
hit song
and he just changed
the fucking lyrics,
right?
Not saying that's all
P-Diddy did,
but I'm just saying.
You know?
Anyway,
he did the
Every Breath
You Take remix
and he wrote the
fucking song
and then a hundred
years later,
it became the
national anthem,
evidently.
I don't know what
the national anthem
was before that.
So,
anyway,
we tried to expand
out to the west
and then Britain
tried to turn
It's funny,
they said they tried
to turn Native
Americans against
white settler