Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-3-20
Uploaded: 2020-08-03T18:37:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-3-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-3-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-3-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast from Monday, August 3rd, 2020.
What's going on? How are you? How are you, everybody? You feeling mellow, man?
You know something? I got the fucking song in my head.
Anytime I watch the Houston Rockets and I see James Harden, every time I see
him, all I think is,
Me and Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on.
That dude looks just like Billy Paul.
And I know it's wrong.
Every time I see him, I mean, I know I'm watching Hoop, but all I'm thinking is
me.
Me and Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones.
What is that song about? Is it about the obvious?
Is the dude fucking around, you know, having an affair?
Or, as someone suggested on the internet, he's talking about getting high.
Oh, shit, is there like two meetings? Mrs. Jones, you know, you got a Jones.
We're going to meet the same time, you know, tomorrow.
Even though we know it's wrong, right?
Anyway, I got to be honest.
I actually have really been enjoying the NBA games with the virtual crowd.
You know?
I think it's all right.
The NBA was, like, notorious for constantly cutting to famous people sitting on
the side of the fucking...
In the crowd, like, who gives a fuck?
You know?
Holy shit, it's the guy from the Phantom.
Phantom of the Opera.
Look at him.
He doesn't like that call.
Why do I give a shit?
Um, I know there's a bunch of hockey yesterday, but somehow I ended up missing
it.
I missed all of it.
And my Bruins lost to the Flyers.
And some cunt sent me a fucking email from Philly.
Because what else would they be doing other than celebrating a fucking hockey
win in August?
Fucking douche even brought up the Eagles.
It's just like, why would you do that to a Patriots fan?
We won six.
You know?
I don't understand bringing up the fucking Eagles.
What, because you won the last one?
We beat you the one before.
You went one and one with us.
You fucking QB puked in the fucking huddle on the final goddamn drive.
Great.
You finally won a fucking Super Bowl.
Your first title in 60 years.
All right.
I mean, I guess if you want to talk shit about it.
I actually literally have to remember that loss.
That's how many fucking titles we won.
But this is a big thing.
How long will it be before the Patriots win another one?
What's going to happen first?
Will the Patriots win another Super Bowl or the fucking Flyers?
And they have like a 50-year drought.
All right.
So was that like the playoff game?
Bruins Flyers.
Overreaction.
B's in danger of earning low seed from round robin.
I don't get it.
Immediately go to the playoffs here.
The round robin.
Flyers beat Bruins in NHL round robin game.
Okay.
Flyers stay hot.
They stayed hot.
Okay.
Stayed hot from what?
This was like the first game back.
You talking about the exhibition?
Whether you weigh their last few wins at all that much or not, the Philadelphia
Flyers remain on a roll.
The Flyers beat the Bruins 4-1 in the first NHL return to play round robin game
on Sunday.
Heading into the pandemic pause, the Flyers saw a nine-game winning streak end
against the Bruins.
Being that the Flyers won on Sunday and also their exhibition against the Penguins,
this team has been on quite an upward trend.
Jesus.
I mean, that's a bit of a stretch.
Wouldn't you say?
If you fucking won eight games four months ago and had a four-month layoff?
I'll tell you, these guys just keep rolling along.
You'd think the last 200 days they didn't play.
All right.
I guess that's worthy of talking shit.
I have no fucking idea.
I don't even know what's going on.
I mean, are you really going to count this?
Are you going to count this as a fucking Stanley Cup win if you win?
This was like when the Redskins won that Super Bowl in the early 80s.
When some of their wins were like scab players and shit.
I don't know.
I do know this.
If there is a way to fuck it up and give somebody an unfair advantage, the NHL
will figure out how to do it.
So I don't know.
I have no idea how the whole round-robin thing wins.
All I know is we're one game back and the Flyers beat the Bruins.
And evidently, they're on one hell of a one-game roll.
Well, good luck to you and the Flyers, sir.
I don't give a shit.
I actually like the Flyers.
And, you know, I can actually remember when the Bruins won their last cup, you
know?
It's that fucking song Joe Bartnick sings.
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
If you have, you must be crying because, you know, you're close to dying.
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
I mean, Jesus Christ.
Fucking talking shit.
Last time you won, Gerald Ford was in office.
The big University of Michigan star.
Yeah, so there you go.
Congratulations to them.
I think the Celtics lost.
We lost to the Milwaukee Bucks, who are looking great.
They were our number one seed in the East.
And we're wearing these uniforms.
We're like, what the fuck are those?
And it said Cream City on them.
They had a cream-colored jersey.
And it said Cream City.
I'm like, what in the fuck is Cream City?
Milwaukee's one of my favorite cities.
I've been there a zillion times.
I love it more and more every single time.
And I love when people say, hey, where would you live?
I said Milwaukee.
They always look at me like I'm fucking around.
Which is, I'm like, great.
The secret's still not out.
All right.
Milwaukee, Cream City.
I looked it up.
And it has to do with the fact that Laverne and Shirley
got so much dick during that sitcom.
No, I'm kidding.
Cream City.
It's because of the brick, I guess.
The cream-colored brick.
Cream City is a cream or light yellow-colored brick
made from a clay found around Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
in the Menominee River Valley.
It's so weird how we went in there and just committed genocide
against the Native Americans.
Just completely wiped them out and then named shit after all of them.
On the western bank of Lake Michigan,
these bricks were one of the most common building materials used in Milwaukee
during the mid and late 19th century,
giving the city the nickname Cream City
and the bricks, the name Cream City Bricks.
Characteristics.
Cream City Bricks are made from a red clay containing elevated amounts of lime
and sulfur.
This clay is common in the clay is common in regions of Wisconsin, especially
near Milwaukee.
When the bricks are fired, they become creamy, yellow in color.
And you know something?
Dean Del Rey keeps showing me this shit.
He's like on Instagram following this Cheap Houses account.
And so many of them are like in the Midwest.
And I will tell you something right now.
There is nothing more scary than a super old home in the Midwest.
Every single one of them looks like fucking Ed Gein is going to be coming down
the goddamn stairs.
They're absolutely terrifying.
Those old houses with the fucking wood and all.
Because they're always empty.
You know, in the middle of fucking nowhere.
And you're like, Jesus Christ.
How many crimes against humanity have happened in this fucking house?
I saw one in the middle of Kansas.
There's a school for sale.
An entire fucking public school.
You know, big fucking brick brick ass building.
Enough to hold all those baby boomer kids way back in the day.
And all the land.
They want 25 grand for it.
So I was texting some buddies of mine that make movies.
I'm like, you should fucking buy this thing.
You'll have a location for the rest of your career.
This fucking school could be a goddamn office building.
It could be a nut house.
It could be a school.
A precinct.
You could dress it up.
Anything you want it to be.
And just fucking become the Tyler Perry of the middle of fucking nowhere in
Kansas.
You know, none of them bid on it.
You know, I can only imagine the fucking problems that are in there.
But you got to see the picture.
They're this thing.
They still have the old fucking desks in there.
When I say old, fucking old.
Like little house in the prairie old.
Maybe not that far back.
But like desk kids probably used to dive under when they would take like, they
would do those practice.
The Russians are coming to bomb us.
Anyway, so Milwaukee, known as Cream City because of the Cream City brick.
Who the fuck knew?
Anyway, so I was last night.
My wife was watching this friggin' show about a serial killer.
And I'm like, I don't want to watch this right before I go to bed.
She's like, no, I just want to see it.
It's like really interesting.
It came in the middle of it.
It was about the Golden State.
I almost said warrior.
The Golden State killer.
That guy, you know, where he just fucking raped and killed all these fucking
women.
And then that shit that came along, you know, where you send your DNA into the
internet.
One of the dude's relatives sent it in.
And it was a close enough match that they knew it was part of the family.
And they kind of narrowed it down to this guy.
They waited for him to have like a fresca or some shit.
And they took the can out of the garbage.
And it had a 100% match.
And they fucking caught this guy.
Right?
So I'm watching this documentary.
And I got to tell you something.
There's something wrong with one of the people in that family.
I just don't buy anything that they're saying.
It seems like they're just saying what they're supposed to be saying.
And I got halfway through that.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
Can being a serial killer, is that like, you know, if you got like music in
your family?
If you have a serial killer, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, it skips
a generation.
But then somebody just sits down and can play the fucking piano.
You know?
Does that happen with like, let me see.
Let me look that up.
It's not the fucking stupid thing on my goddamn search engine.
Is being a serial killer genetic.
All right.
I'm not the only dumb one who asked this question.
Do all serial killers have a genetic predisposed position?
No, I mean, is it hereditary?
That's what I mean.
No, no, no one was dumb enough to ask this.
I don't even know how to spell it.
Her, H-E-R, red, R-E-D, hered, heredity, hereditarial.
What is the, is it B?
Oh my God.
No, it just refuses.
Can your jeans make you kill?
And they don't mean tight jeans.
This is jeans G with a G.
All right.
That's fucking hilarious.
I got to wait for a fucking goddamn Ford pickup ad.
Warning, this product is not safe to alternative cigarettes.
It was a pickup truck.
All right.
The killer read his Bible.
He drank heavily.
It was the fall night of 2006 when the so-and-so walked out of his rural
trailer in southeastern Tennessee
carrying his .22 caliber hunting rifle.
His estranged wife and his friend.
And it pulled up.
Drop off.
Watch out.
Eight times killing her.
He used a knife to cut her head open.
He then chased his wife with the knife and a machete.
What in the fuck?
There he told his fighting children, come tell your mama goodbye.
Because it was the last time they'd ever see her.
Miraculously, his wife managed to slip his grasp and escape.
Is this a movie?
Three years later, in a county court, the dude admitted to the whole thing.
He said he had snapped.
I'm not proud of none of it.
He told the judge.
He convicted a felony murder.
He faced the death penalty.
To save his life, his legal team took an unusual approach.
Never before.
They said he had a generic variant on his X chromosome.
The one that coded.
All right.
Well, okay.
So you got a bad chromosome.
You got to go.
Job is breakdown.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I might as well have looked up a fucking recipe.
I don't even care anymore.
You know, that's my ongoing complaint here.
Anytime you're like, hey, what's a good pot roast recipe?
You got to go through fucking three pages of, you know, growing up, pot roast
was always
one of the meals that just brought our family together.
And that's when we found out she was fucking a fat guy down the street that she
called her
her little side pot roast.
Anyways, you're going to need two fucking sprigs of thyme.
You got to read like a whole goddamn soliloqu