Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-20
Uploaded: 2020-08-24T23:24:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-24. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast
for Monday, August 24th, 2020. What is going on and how are you?
How is it going? People, you know, it's getting towards the end of the summer,
right?
It's one of the last weekends where you can wear your white on white.
Do you think that's going to move with global warming?
Is that an idea I discussed before? I don't know.
I woke up this morning and for some reason I had filthy Sinatra songs in my
head, you know,
which is basically Frank Sinatra songs, but you can't remember the words.
So, you know, if you're ignorant like me, just throwing curse words too.
I've just been walking around my house just singing like,
Come fly with me, you big fat fucking whore.
And if you do something else and you fucking snore,
Then I'm kicking you out of my suite
Because it's the 1960s
And I'm running fucking shit
Come fly with me
You're weighing down the plane
Something like that.
My wife's going, what the fuck are you
She goes, what are you singing to children?
I was like, I am singing
From America's songbook.
All right?
America's songbook.
Some of the classics.
Anyways, how's everybody doing?
I had a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
I did the Camp Chappelle thing this past weekend
Out in Yellow Springs, Ohio
And I had an amazing time
Got out there Wednesday
Brought the whole family
Got tested before I got on the plane
Got tested afterward
You know, went out Wednesday
I wasn't even supposed to be on the show
Jumped on that show
And I just had a great time
It was such an amazing mix of
Just comedians
Rappers
Poets
Musicians
The whole thing
And I just felt like
Everybody was sort of
Pushing each other
And yeah
And I saw this rapper
I'm going to repost
Whatever the hell the kids do
The hashtag with the
At symbol
Incredible rapper
And I was glad
I did not have to go on after him
I am white enough
I don't need to be following
That level of heat
Just had a great time
And I really want to thank Dave
He was so ridiculously generous
To myself
My family
Everybody involved
And it was so much fun
To be doing stand-up
Getting laughs
And there was like
No phones
Everybody's phone was locked
And
It was a level of freedom
And stand-up
That I have not felt
Since white female comedians
Have started complaining
I actually felt like
As an American
I could go on stage
And say whatever I wanted
Which I remember fondly
Oh, all the way back
Last time
Maybe six, seven years ago
Then all of a sudden
All these put-upon
White females
It's so hard to be a white woman
In the United States of America
All of a sudden
I don't know what happened
You know, we need to make this fairer
And in the process
Of them making stand-up fairer
I am now not allowed to say
Whatever it is I want to say
This is progressive people
Fellow comics censoring
And making you afraid
To say what you want to say
On stage
I don't
I don't get it
But that's what it is
That's what it is
And now what's funny
Is now they're experiencing
What they created
And now they're tweeting
That they're afraid to tweet
It's the funniest
Fuck
It's like you
Helped build this
Fucking house of horrors
Now you're gonna walk away
I always used
The rollerblade analogy
It always works
Rollerblading
We all did it
One homophobic joke
Everybody walks away
And act like they never did it
And the ocean's just littered
With all of our sins
I just had a great
Great time
Smoked a few
Too many cigars
Out here
And I really just saw
Like, you know
I really have to address
The ignorance
I think the ignorance
Of flyover states
Is
Is, you know
Always talked about
Not saying there's not
Ignorance out there
Of course there is
Of course there is
You got a bunch of people
Talking about a bunch of people
That aren't even
Anywhere near them
You know
The usual shit
And then people on the coast
They talk down to the people
You know
Calling flyover states
Flyover states
You've never spent
A week in one
I'm gonna tell you right now
Having been out here
In Ohio
The level of fun
That you can fucking have
And the space
And the fresh air
I saw a fucking guy
He had a pickup truck
With the camper shell
On the back
Towing a fucking
A motorhome
The one you have to tow
It's not a motorhome
No motor
But it's a home
A home on wheels
A trailer
And then behind that
He had a fishing boat
And it's just like
There is no way
In LA
You could
Where the fuck
That would take up
Half of your property
You know
Motorcycles
Four wheelers
I mean
All just
All kinds of just
Old cars and shit
Like all I could
Think about here
Is if I was out here
I would have a motorcycle
I could drive my
You know
My F100
All over the place
Cruising these fucking
Great country roads
Not sitting in traffic
Beautiful lakes
And rivers
I mean
I'm 100% sold
And I was like
Man
Dave is doing it right
This is
It's friggin
Paradise out here
And then we went
One day
I took
My wife and kids
And we went out
To this place
The hell was it called
It was like
It was Jersey
Something or other
Some sort of
Ice cream place
And Jersey I guess
Is a kind of cow
I had no idea
And we went out
To this place
And the
The friggin
Ice cream
Was so good
And so fresh
It was like
It was like heroin
That
When you took
I got a milkshake
This is what I did
I got a vanilla milkshake
And I know what you're thinking
Like oh Jesus Bill
Could you be any whiter
With your plain Jane
Order there
Flavor
So this is
Well this is what I do
Okay
This is my thing
If I'm going to a new pizza place
And I want to see
If they know what the fuck
They're doing
I order a margarita
Because anybody
You can hide behind
Your toppings
If you don't quite know
How to make a pizza
And it can bump up
The number a little bit
So I always just get
The plain
Margarita
Right
You got dough
You got sauce
You got the cheese
And whatever the fuck else
You know
A little olive oil
On the top
Whatever the hell it is
You do
Right
And then when I go
To an ice cream place
I order vanilla
The plainest
Of the flavors
Arguably
And if you can make
That taste unbelievable
Then I know
That you guys know
What the hell you're doing
And let me tell you something
They passed my little test there
So we did that
We got to see
Some live music
Questlove
And a bunch of
Other amazing musicians
Just playing in the back
Of this antique store
Was incredible
I feel like it's
A little comedy festival
Out here
It took me back
To the
I feel like
You know what
It felt like
It felt like
I was in Aspen
Except it was
The summertime
Just running
Into people
You know
I'm going to go
Down the street
You just run
Into somebody
And all of a sudden
You know
You guys are grabbing
A coffee
Not like I'm
A big time coffee drinker
But every once in a while
I'll have one
And I fucked up
My order
I ordered
I think a cappuccino
And what I wanted
Was an espresso
That's what I like
Just to have
Because I don't like
Really the taste of coffee
So I just try
To do the shot
And people's like
Well that's got
More fucking
Caffeine in it
It's like
All right
Well whatever
It's easier
You know
I don't have to
Drink a giant one
You know
That's one of the
Smartest things
I ever did
I never got into coffee
You know
The amount of time
Can you imagine
If you were
Really into coffee
And you were
Into sports
And you have to
Sleep eight hours a day
I mean there goes
Your whole life
That is your
Whole fucking life
Watching sports
Standing in line
For coffee
And then sleeping
All of a sudden
Your kid's 36
You never even
Played catch with them
Anyway I'm just
Fucking around here
I have been
You know
I didn't get a chance
To watch
A lot of the playoffs
I'm back here in LA now
So very excited
To get caught up
Since I stopped
Watching
My Boston Bruins
Closed out
For the second year
In a row
The Carolina Hurricanes
And I looked at that
Like that was sort of
The rubber match there
Series
Where I remember
Oh god
How many years ago
Like ten years ago
You know
They ended up
We played them
In like the
Eastern Conference finals
And they won
Like the overtime game
And that guy
Did the jazz hands
Skating down the
Fucking ice
They beat us
And then last year
We beat them
So
You know
This is the one
To see who's ahead
I think
I would think
What else happened
Oh
Your Philadelphia Flyers
Your number one seed
The odds on favorite
To go to the Stanley Cup
Is it final
Or finals
I always forget
But I looked them both up
They're both
NBA and
Stanley Cup
Are written as finals
For some reason
I thought one was
The NBA final
Or the Stanley Cup final
I forget
And people always say
There's only one final
Yeah but there's seven games
That would be the finals
You're playing in the final
You're playing seven games
The finals
It totally makes sense to me
I like when people do that shit
You know
They try to sit there
And think they're so fucked
Why is it called
Football
All those douches
Who watch soccer
Why is it called football
Well they kick it off
Kicking's a huge part
Of the fucking game
Fucking Patriots
Won three Super Bowls
Kicking field goals
All right
Why don't you brush your teeth
And watch the fucking game
Sorry
Anyway
The Flyers beat the hated Habs
Jesus Christ
27 years
28 seasons
Unbelievable
I just remember
As a kid
That the New York Rangers
Were considered cursed
And they went 54 years
And the Montreal Canadiens
Are now
Halfway there
Half
Way there
I was 25 years old
The last time they won it
25 years old
I'm now a 52 year old man
With his best years behind him
So speaking of which
1993 was also the last time
That a Canadian team
Won the Stanley Cup
And you know
It's ridiculously in favor
Of the United States
Considering there's like
30 teams
And what do you got
You got the Canadians
The Senators
The Maple Leafs
The Jets
Calgary
Edmonton
Vancouver
You got seven teams
You know
And we got 23
It's fucking hilarious
Because some Americans
Talk shit to Canadians
About that stuff
And it's just like
How many Americans
Are playing on those
American NHL teams
Well alright then
So anyway
Vancouver Canucks
Are the last
The lone Canadian team
Left
And they knocked out
Your
St. Louis Blues
Making me
Have to say
That I don't know
What I'm talking about
I thought that
Blues team
Once they
Once they tied it up
Or whatever
They were going to come back
I think they tied it up
Or once they won game three
Then I came out to
Yellow Springs, Ohio
And I kind of lost track
Of the series
I was watching the
I check out the scores
But I was working every night
Congratulations to them
Beating a very
Very tough team
The St. Louis Blues
But then they got their
Vancouver got their
Evidently got mopped
The Knights mopped
The floor with them
Last night
Five
Nothing
I got to tell you man
I don't know
I don't know what it is
The Knights came
Out that first year
And damn near won it
Who'd they lose to?
The Capitals
I believe
In six or seven
I can't remember what
But I would think
That they'd still have
The core of that team
Left
And everybody's
You know
All those Philly fans
Are talking all this shit
About the Flyers
And everybody's just
Kind of sleeping on
The Vegas Knights
I feel
Or maybe I haven't
Been paying attention
And they aren't
Speaking of Philly
What happened to
Those 76ers?
The Boston Celtics
Going down there
Everybody's excited
Remember those
Early 80s series?
Those great
Fucking wars
That the Celtics
Had with the 76ers
Celtics were down
3-1
Came back
And beat the Sixers
And then that next year
We were down 3-1
And Julius
Jams
Jinx
I'll never forget that
On the cover
Of Sports Illustrated
They're one of the
Greatest teams
Of all time
That I would put up
Against the 96 Bulls
The 1983
Philadelphia 76ers
I was hoping
It was going to be
A great series
This definitely was
Not Philly's year
Celtics sweep him
Take out the
Brums
Swep him under
The Liberty Belt
Rocky fell
Halfway up the
Steps
On his
With his
Gray on
Grays
Yeah
So we shall see
But still
The number one
Seat
From
Cream
Thickle
From Cream
Town
Cream City
Is the Milwaukee
Bucks
I'm actually
A big fan
Of that
Franchise
Just when I
Was younger
You know
Sidney Moncrief
And all those
Guys
The