Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-20
Uploaded: 2020-08-27T18:49:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you
what's what's going on everybody how are you you're making it through another
week
you're you're joe six-pack you're putting your fucking panties on one laced leg
at a time
um why would you have legs on your panties well maybe you were raised right and
you're not like
all these hoos on the social media with half their fucking clams hanging out of
the back of their
yoga pants it's her body if she's proud of her vagina it wants to make it look
like a sock puppet
inside of her sweatpants that's her business you know upon further review i've
looked back at my
comments about women's vaginas that i've never met and i'm disgusted with
myself and i'd like to
apologize and say that i am now an ally of having your vagina lip showing
through your yoga pants
see that people you see how that works that is the power of all of these social
justice warriors i just
had made the ignorant statement i canceled myself i then apologized and became
an ally all by myself
uh don't know much about this bullshit but i do know i don't give a fuck um oh
my god
maybe i'm talking about the vag lips there um not because of why you think
not because i'm a bald ignorant sexist tossing like my favorite eater of
dolphin meat um
dude i saw a fucked up video i don't know all these boats were driving these
fucking dolphins or
something porpoises or orcas or something into the fucking the cove there oh
they made a movie about it
and uh these fucking guys were in the goddamn water just like putting them in
headlocks and
stabbing them in the fucking head it's just like i was surprised that the
dolphins didn't try to
bite their legs you know i know they don't have shark teeth they kind of have
like baby shark teeth
baby shark teeth do do do do do do right could still do some damage rip off an
achilles
i don't know what a fucking job
i'm fucking just sitting in there a sea of blood coming home hi honey how was
work
it was great
what'd you make for dinner i made some trout
where are you going
you know i'm not saying i don't love my wife that's we know when a guy's gonna
say something
up about his wife you know it's not like i don't love my wife but you know it's
like i'm out there
in a cove
committing dolphin genocide and and i come home fish for dinner
it's like lady how about a burger and a blowjob
um only in march it used to be steak and a blowjob but now with the the the new
normal it's now
burger and a handy burger no cheese no cheese on that burger lettuce wrapped um
oh man the
fucking boston bruins got their asses whipped last night uh down in tampa no it
was in boston i'm just
going by their jerseys and pretending that they're playing home and away games
um yeah we just got we
got smoked uh what we were worried about happened last night um with tuka ross
leaving people big
question mark on halak who my friend informed me was like something like the 271st
draft pick in 2003
but he's still in the league so that says to me we maybe got a little tom brady
action going on here
right uh he had a tough game last night i still believe in the guy he's played
he's played great
for us um you know a couple of soft goals here or there but i mean it happens
he has a bad game
you know what you know what you do you know what you do you shake it off bruins
are going to shake
it off we're going to tie it up in the next one and i'm sure the entire boston
sports media is now
saying this series is over which it may be because i think you know once we put
in the other guy
after halak i mean i don't know who else we go for after that i guess you put
in the guy who's driving
the zamboni hoping he's wearing some long underwear so his thighs don't get bruised
um his shins actually um
i love when the sports media just they just fold the tent and i always wanted
an athlete
you know after a bad loss you know we've lost two in a row we were up 1-0 now
we're down uh two to one
and then they just start being these negative nellies and i always wanted an
athlete to look
across the table or maybe just across that stupid recorder that they have
you know because they're not smart enough to remember anything that they heard
not because
they want to get it word for word i love that they actually record it and then
they still take
things out of context it's like how can you this up um i always wanted the
athlete to be like you know
what the difference between me and you is other than um an astounding athletic
ability all right there man
tits is that when we lose a couple games in a row you know we still go positive
we're going to turn
this thing around we're going to make our adjustments and we're going to go
down swinging as opposed to you
guys you sports writers who just fold the tent the second you see a cloud in
the sky
you know
and what do they do right when you lose a game do you start you know do the bruins
go in there and
point to their goaltender now they rally around the guy what do the sports
writers do they try and take
the guy out you know and that's why the only fucking ring a sports writer's
ever going to get is a wedding
ring telling him he better have his fucking article done by 11 o'clock because
he's got dishes to do
i hate how negative that just they just they're just quitters they're all
fucking quitters
i'm trying to think the last time i read a sports article that when your team
wins the first game
loses the next two doesn't start forecasting gloom and doom and i'll tell you
you know it's not just
the sports writers it's also sports fans they do it too and i'm telling that
there's a disease
that that's a little seed you know the first time you played hopscotch when you
were a little kid
and you're on one leg and you bend down to pick up the rock and you did a face
plant you got a little
fucking raspberry on your forehead
that's right there where it started to take growth right and you started
thinking that you
know there's something wrong with me uh you avoided hopscotch after that then
you start
fucking forgetting your gym class stuff so you don't have to participate
you know and then walking instead of walking up to an eight in a bar you're
talking to some four
right and it's a fucking disease and in the back of your head there's that
voice of who you should
have been rather than who you became and the only way you can drown out drown
it out
is to trash the local hockey team that's now down two to one that's my theory
all right
now you're listening to somebody who's overcome a lot of adversity when i was a
child okay i was born a
white male
but i was beyond white i was a white that was not accepted i had orange dots
all over my body
my hair was the color of a creamsicle um sorry i still believe in the bruins i
i think that uh we just
have too much hot and i think we're gonna rally around halak i think halak has
a great game the
next game we tie it up to two and i think none of the sports writers apologize
for doubting him
i'm sure they're throwing tuca under the fucking bus because he chose his
family
over whatever the fuck it is that we're watching hockey in august with no fans
you know if you told
people last year hey this season's gonna end uh in august okay and none of the
regular season's gonna
count we're gonna do a round robin and i don't give a fuck if you had close to
100 points you could
actually be fucking a goddamn eighth seat in three games or whatever the fuck
it is that they did
and there's gonna be no fans they would have been like what the fuck you know
but uh the great thing
about sports is once you just start watching you don't give a fuck because i
don't give a
fuck and i and i am counting this fucking this stanley cup whoever wins this is
a legit stanley cup
and because uh everybody's in the same boat you know it's not like um i don't
know they all have to
participate so it's not like one team didn't have to and the other teams did so
i don't have a problem
with it i do have a problem with us giving up seven goals so and i think uh i'm
gonna go out on a limb
and think the bruins do too and you know what the bottom line is tampa bay um
you know maybe they're
gonna get a little too confident i don't know i'm just hoping they're gonna win
anyways your
philadelphia flyers your number one seed speaking of creamsicles the philadelphia
flyers after getting
their fucking orange and white fucking butts spanked
in the first game what did they do they came right back gave the islanders the
old right there
fred i believe they won that one in overtime i have not seen a second of that
series game three
is tonight and uh i cannot wait to watch it um i'm very excited to see these
this seems like it's a
an incredible matchup and i'm psyched that it's one one because uh i got
nothing else to do i want
to see this thing go seven games bruins on the other hand i want them to
fucking win the next three
games in a row but the flyers and islanders can just beat the shit out of each
other for seven games
for all i care um that's what i think um so but thank god for sports thank god
for sports coming
back because you can actually you know well i say you can get away from the
problems of the world and
then now the milwaukee bucks aren't going to play because of uh everything that
happened that horrific
stuff that happened in wisconsin and then the response in kenosha and uh jesus
christ
it's just uh you know i i just don't understand you know it's just so much and
you really have to
i will say just stay off social media because the fucking level of racists that
are on there
i saw this one guy this is actually he's so racist like he doesn't even realize
he's racist
so he's trying to uh justify why you would shoot a guy seven times in the back
you know as he's getting into his car and his kids are in there
and his response is he shows a video of a black guy fighting with cops
it's like um maybe because of this and he was literally defining racism
so like now because this black guy did this that means they're all going to do
it so just shoot him
right i mean that would that is the that is the same
fucking like that would be like if i showed a picture of charles manson
you know and be like you know that's and then not now the cops can shoot every
white guy in the back
seven fucking times um yeah i just feel like there's just certain people that
are just choosing
not to see that there's a problem and uh you got to just kind of work around
because i don't know
shit about society or any of that crap but i will say that fucking 17 year old
kid who just murdered those people
with an assault rifle the fact that he can walk down the street afterwards
towards the cops wearing an assault rifle with his hands up
okay and they're like hey get out of the road step aside please
i mean who would you rather be in that situation a white guy walking down the
street with an assault rifle with the arms up
or a black guy walking down the street with his arms up wearing a book bag
i'm telling you and you know if you think that that's for some liberal horse
shit then uh agree to disagree
i mean there's definitely you know i think uh one of the great people that i've
seen in sports is doc rivers
and if you listen to what he said about it and the emotion that he had for it i
mean for you to still sit there
as someone who isn't him and living his experience and tell him that what he's
saying is wrong
is uh i mean that's a level of fucking ego that i do not want to be around so
there you go
that's it that's what i have to say on that shits but um
as ugly as all of this is i think it's finally come to a head
and um i do think that we're gonna be in a much better place after this um i
don't think that
those people that write that racist shit and that people that take assault
rivals and just shoot
unarmed innocent fucking people um and i know we're a little innocent they're
out there
you're fucking ready it's 