Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-20
Uploaded: 2020-08-31T20:46:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday august
31st 2020 this is it it's the last day of summer not really but it is i always
felt that way as a
kid if it was the last day of august september meant only two things you had to
go back to school
and football came back even though there was a little bit of exhibition
football that they would
show very very little of you know when i was a kid they didn't show that
bullshit you know it wasn't
a bunch of people playing fantasy football trying to break down who the fucking
top three running
backs are who you want to add to your team i'm actually thinking about playing
it this year
you know um i know a disturbingly few names in the nfl uh where i used to know
them all back in my
football card collecting days so um i don't know it's you know i don't know if
it's because i'm old
or whatever i keep talking about this on podcasts the names have just gotten so
fucking difficult
you know in hockey i mean he always had the french guy names but the pierre jacques
you know claude
it wasn't too hard those russian finished fucking name oh my god with like the
four fucking consonants
in a row and then a the letter y that i guess is sometimes a vowel i've just
never been able to get
caught up with that and um you know and then uh i don't know just black and
white dudes they just
got they got all different names for when i was a kid you know white guys were
mike john bill bob
you know black dudes were old school leon hank you know simple mel miles now i
don't know it's like
fucking it's like you take nine names you put them all together and then white
kids are like they're
all named after like uh either attitudes or like uh obscure cities or states
you know
um or descriptions you know hunter dakota i don't know are they really named
that bill i don't fucking
know maybe that's probably because i'm just old i have no idea but you know
there was something exciting
about going back to school though when i was a kid because you got new clothes
i know that's probably
weird to all you younger people but like when when uh my generation your mother
shopped for clothes
once once a year all right other than you got something on christmas and on
your birthday but
usually not clothes on your birthday um christmas you get some fucking uh you
know awful sweater or a
shirt button-down shirt from your grandmother that had like fucking flowers on
it
um yeah you got once she went out and she'd buy like fucking two or three pairs
of uh corduroys
you know and then a couple of shirts and then you'd have a pair of sneakers and
that was your pair
and then she'd buy them a little bit bigger and those were your sneakers for
the year and that was it
that was fucking it the overhead that was it you got some pencils and some pens
you got some notebooks
and then you took the uh the brown paper bags from the grocery store and you
covered your books and
you had to have a cover on it if you didn't have a cover on it then uh i don't
know you got some sort
of demerit you got detention i remember there was this fucking cunty teacher
that if you had a little
tear in your book cover he would walk by your desk go oh look look what's
happening and he'd stick his
finger in there and rip your cover off and you had to have a new one such a cunt
such a cunt and i
remember having crushes on some of the girls in my grade and i remember all the
like the prettiest girls
like they had like their book covers were like perfect you know there was a way
to fold it over god it's
all coming back to me where you you taped the cover to the actual bag and uh
all the guys were like
animals we just like cut them and then you tape the the fucking brown paper bag
to the book
and then when it came off you would be tearing off the inside pages of the book
or whatever parts of
the paper the inside book oh that was a long fucking time ago long time ago and
every year i had hope
this is the year i'm gonna break out i'm gonna get back to getting good grades
and i would do all right
and somewhere in october i don't know i just didn't have i couldn't stick with
it i didn't have the
fight in me um i got a lot of shitty grades that i should not have gotten you
know fucking one of the
worst fucking things i ever did was fuck up in school like that because then i
i didn't get to go to
like some a buddy of mine just dropped off his kid um at like uh indiana
university of indiana
and i'm just thinking for four years that kid's gonna get to go to college
basketball
in that amazing arena that i went to a long time ago and bobby knight was still
there
and uh and he earned it you know and i remember after my fucking college my
high school career the
shit that i i had to i had to like apply to colleges like this like listen can
i just give you money to
take two classes sorry i got my phone on here um can i just give you money to
take two courses
to just demonstrate that i can work at a college level and i had to like strike
a deal where they
would gradually work me in you know like a non-italian trying to work his way
into the mob
and i could only get so far back in the day right so um anyway uh yeah that's
what i did and i gradually
uh worked my way into the university of massachusetts boston and eventually
transferred to emerson college
after that and even that one i had to kind of do the same thing how many
credits are we going to take
took me forever you know if i just buckled down and applied myself i could have
been out i actually to
this day still think like what if i fucking actually did well in school but
then even then i still want
to rush through college just so i can become a comedian so i start thinking
well what if i picked up a
semester over the summer before i was supposed to go and then i'd be done with
my freshman year
december of the year i graduated high school and i just i just keep blowing
through the fucking
um the summers picking up a semester each time i'd be done in like two and a
half years or something
and then i'd finally be not only caught up i'd be ahead because i stayed back
in first grade and i
always just felt like my whole life i've just felt like i've been behind um and
the reality is this
is nothing i can do about it but that doesn't stop me in my 50s of still
thinking about this shit what
the fuck is wrong with me um so anywho hey guess what guess what i find i gotta
fuck it i got some
social distance uh tour dates coming up you know everybody else is back to work
i have to work i have
a mortgage just like you so you guys you guys are just regular people you put
your pant legs on you
know one leg at a time i'm in show business i jump into my slacks both legs
same time um
i'm gonna be doing uh twilight comedy on the farm
at south farms just 15 miles outside of bristol connecticut uh the september 23rd
shows the early
show and the late shows are sold out uh thank god thank you guys so much so we
added two shows
uh september 24th tickets are live now you can go to billbird.com for the
ticket links
um and then um we're gonna try to just we're just gonna see where this goes how
many shows i can add
and then i'll be back east so then we might the ticket sales go well there then
maybe i don't know
maybe i do something else maybe i don't i'd have no idea um all i know is um
yeah i have to get back out and i have to go back to work because i got a wife
and two kids and a
fucking mortgage and all of this shit you know we've downsized a little bit we've
pulled back we've uh
tightened the fucking bootstraps that you pull yourself up while you've cinched
your belt a little
closer around your waist whatever the fucking expression is um no i have to uh
yeah i gotta stop
dipping into the uh rainy day fund here and i gotta go out and go make some
fucking money that's basically
okay i mean i can't i can't fucking sit around doing nothing all right it was a
great it really
wasn't a great five months it really wasn't because it was always the uh the
frustration and the fear of
the unknown um but you know whatever i took off some weight i put it back on
and i took it off
took it back off again all that weight that i gained when i was out in yellow
springs one of my
new favorite parts of the fucking world i've thought about that milkshake that
i got at the jersey
dairy farm out there i got to get the right name for that place let me see here
is my internet working is the internet working jersey farm yellow springs ohio
come on come on bessie come on buddy there we go oh young's jersey dairy
homemade ice cream and family fun it's just fucking tremendous i'm telling you
for the rest of my
stand-up career if i'm ever in cincinnati if i'm ever in dayton i'm driving
over there
like a fucking crack fiend their ice it was like heroin it was that fucking
good tremendous old billy
sweet tooth so i came back i was a bloated i was filled with salt and sugar
speaking of back to school i was eating like i was still in grade school and
like i said i went to
the local juice place they had a really cool t-shirt i still got it in a medium
and i put that
fucker on and i was like a fucking you know you know when you cook a hot dog
right before it splits
that's what the fuck i looked like in this goddamn thing one of those things if
i reach forward like
my this separation between my lower back where the shirt is and my pants was
like at least almost i was
probably a full foot um and that's all because you know it's all in my arms and
my fucking man tits and
all of that shit so i've eaten like a saint uh since i got back and now uh like
i said if i eat bad for
seven days i need to be a saint for 18 days that's kind of how it works it's
almost a three to one ratio
um good to bad bad to good however that fucking works out so uh i've just been
eating uh perfectly
and um you know occasionally once a week you're supposed to have like a high
calorie day just so
your metabolism doesn't get used to eating perfect because that's the worst
because then you're eating
perfect and you're not seeing the results um so last night i had a little steak
dinner with corn on
the cob my favorite i only eat corn on the cob in august that's it uh back in
the day that's when
my mother would go out and get it my mother she was like it's fresh they got
corn in the cab
all right the rest of the year it was frozen corn which absolutely sucked and i've
had an ongoing
debate with my great friend paul verzi where uh he has two things that he says
no use for
his diet it's corn and peas and i just you know he's he's sicilian and greek
and i'm basically german-irish
with some scottish in me so you know there's in my world there's nothing better
than mashed potatoes
with some with some peas even better if you put them in one of those fucking
little pies there and
they're both mixed it together i love peas and i also um i love corn but it's
got to be corn on the cob
you know that frozen corn where they had like the back in the day where they
had like the butter
inside of it too was just uh there was there's something wrong about that like
you just didn't
feel right after you uh after you ate it but i know there's gonna be a lot of
people going like
you know how you call paul is right about corn is because you shit it out and
it still looks like
corn your body has no use to it use for it has not used it at all um although i
saw this documentary on
food one time and it said that basically everything was made out of corn so i
don't know what to tell
you um oh man i went down a fucking amazing rabbit hole last night um
i just you know from watching that uh oh it's fucking hilarious whatever the
hell that guy's name
was that that fucking documentary i was making fun of that music producer who's
like ron if ron
burgundy was a real person david foster so i got it got me back into early chicago
which is something
that i always wanted to kind of get into i just never got around to it um
because i was too busy into my
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