Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-20
Uploaded: 2020-09-03T20:40:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-03. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-20

hey what's going on everybody it's bill burn it's time for a special edition of
the thursday
afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast we have uh two my favorite
stand-up
comics two my favorite people up and coming i'll dare i say youngsters to show
my age
um to the uh you know funniest fucking guys and i really got to know them
last summer when i was out uh doing that movie with pete davidson and them
these guys were just
killing it every night and they have an absolutely amazing podcast that is now
on the all things
comedy network history hyenas please welcome janice papas and christy stefano
what's going on guys
what's going on what's going on bill how you doing billy billy i just want to
say start this podcast
saying fuck mayor de blasio you're ruining new york city yeah you know what
fuck de blasio
fuck covet it's not real let's get back out there why is it not real because
listen i'm no scientist
but here's the deal we've come to the conclusion through our research that it
was created by nancy
pelosi and that's just what it was she made it and she's been throwing it out
there and it's time to
vote to the right you guys are hilarious i just like how that whole point
started with because listen
yeah why is that you know what it is listen she created it that's what it is i
feel like the only
positive thing for me is that when it hit in march i was in the absolute throes
of a fucking sex
addiction and i think that covid showed up to my body was like there's no room
here i think it's just
saw too many it was like now this guy's got things he's fired up with chlamydia
and god knows what
else so let's just move on and i beat it you did you have it no i never had it
but i never had the
antibodies and i never had corona you know i don't know and we none of us none
of us ever had it here
it's like everybody just knows and we're in new york city yeah we don't i don't
know i think you
know what it is when you live in new york city the immune system gets so strong
if you if you're from
here like me and chris that we've eaten so many foods that have rat piss in
them and rash shit in
them yeah that like covid can't stand a chance next to the types of diseases
that rats have thrown in
our body all right that's the first time you've blown new york we're only two
minutes in two minutes
in i was about to say oh yeah i noticed that there was an uptick in cases in boston
i'm just saying
you're fucking fairy the fucking socks yeah also the love of the yankees you
know what's so funny
all right we got to go back here what's so funny about that is i have no idea
what's going on in
boston and if i i don't want to quote somebody's stand-up special but i believe
janice you did a
you took time out of your stand-up special to do a whole bit about how much you
and new yorkers
don't care about boston or pay attention and i got i don't know be it sports or
a pandemic you seem to
be i i think these last 20 years really hurt you well you know when ever since
we moved the capital
we are the history hyenas from new york to washington we've always been a
little jealous
of boston because you know you guys really started the country so that's what
it is but you can't
watch my special it's called blowing the light it's on youtube and billberg
gives it the thumbs up even
though he hasn't watched it what i just watched the clips now wait a minute i
don't i thought it was
i thought the country started in virginia i don't you know we just we we for us
history secondary
what's first is that just we we we we speak to the woke people in the world
that's our top priority
is that what we say is right and it doesn't have to be factually right in
history but it has to be
morally right bill the only reason i even brought up new york versus boston is
because i'm just trying
to get things flowing on the algorithm i was just thinking that maybe it'll be
some type of new york
boston clip that we post i just want to get the fucking on the algorithms good
side on this fucking
god damn you the gatekeeper used to be whomever from montreal comedy festival
now it's some nerd
in india on who's gonna fucking say which clips are gonna put to the algorithm
try to get some waves
from you or joe rogan that's just the way it works now you blew it out what is
the algorithm
i mean the algorithm on youtube what the algorithm's gonna decide what clips
and shows to to show to
viewers that aren't your fans if it looks like you know something that's
interesting or gets a lot of
views or similar to your audience or joe rogan's audience or tim dylan's
audience
don't talk about the algorithm that's probably the number one rule you're not
supposed to curse in
the first five minutes and i opened up by saying fuck the red sox so i'm an
idiot and i apologize
to the algorithm well you must be happy about the red sox i don't think we have
enough roided up
free agents this year we're gonna have to rebuild get rid of something i haven't
i haven't watched
baseball i can't get i haven't gotten into this i couldn't even the islanders i'm
a big islanders fan
they're gonna probably go to the stand the nhl's been great i just can't for me
man i don't know
why it's just not having the fans there everything seems like pre-season
everything seems like
exhibition and i realized that i played sports my whole life and i it's one of
those things i'm like
do i not love sports because if i can't watch it without the fans what why was
i even watching it to
begin with i think i used to just do it because it's what my dad would make me
do and now he moved
to florida and has he's on fucking dialysis so who knows he's he's unconscious
half the time yeah
but he's got a little watch he's got a little bit of your money so he's got
some money to play around
with my dad's got some juice on the games yeah it's what it is that guy uh did
he force you to
play sports you think he did that that's the that was the thing like my mother
would always say
when i was a kid she was like you know tony he doesn't want to play and then he'd
be like you
know my dad was just like no he does want to play and i'd be like i really don't
want to play
and he's like you're gonna play and then i would just play you know basketball
and baseball and i
remember one i mean like there was no i remember one time i got hit by a pitch
we were playing
baseball i got hit by a pitch it was like 11 years old i was crying at home
plate i just wanted someone
to comfort me and my dad just fucking you know coaching the game walks out and
he's like rubbing
my back you know he's like you got to stop crying you're fucking embarrassing
me i'm like my back hurts
i don't want to play the game he's like are you really going to be this the
name on the back
new jersey you're embarrassing me he was like i cannot wait i cannot fucking
wait to get home
because i'm going to beat the shit out of you and then i was just you know it
never happened but i
was just yeah i think for so much of my life i just played sports because my
dad you know would
just make me do it like division two scoring record career the all-time leading
scorer in my college and
i never wanted to play the game but i would just still shoot a thousand jump
shots every day
just play you know baseball basketball it was just because i wanted my dad to
be proud of me
and uh you know and i guess at the end he kind of was did you look back after
your playing career
and be like what the hell was that or was while you were doing it um like the
last six months did
you realize like i gotta stop doing this because this wasn't my dream i think
that it's just we
were talking about before about like addictions and stuff like that i think
that it's just
all i've done my whole life is just change addictions that i've had like first
it was basketball and
sports because my dad was like this is what you want to do and i was like i
want my dad to love me
i want my dad to be proud of me i'm addicted to that because he left and my
family was divorced
and i'm like dad this will make dad proud a thousand jump shots and then boom
basketball accolades accolades accolades and then it stops and i'm like oh i
don't want to play
anymore so then it turned to uh getting my mother's love because my mother
would say i remember my
mother said to me once when i was 21 she was like you know i feel like you do
everything for your
father and you won't do anything for me she's like i feel like you're such a
smart kid and you've never
applied yourself academically and that's all i ever wanted and and all you ever
did was prove stuff to
your dad so then i fucking got into graduate school and got a doctorate degree
and got a doctorate
in physical therapy because i swear to god i did it for my mother i just was
like putting my head down
and doing it doing it doing and then i'm doing physical therapy for a year and
i said fuck this
i don't want to do this i want to do something for me and then i went to the
gotham comedy club open
mic and then i've just been doing this ever since so i think i'm just changing
addictions and then
eventually this will probably peter out and i don't know what i'll get addicted
to and do after this
what this needs to do is now put pressure on you to become the greatest co-host
in the short time of
podcasting history and then you'll you'll you'll achieve that too you know what
this is oh trust me
the andre agassi book did you ever read that open i no i never read the andre
agassi book no i've never
read it but but andrew looks like a greek tennis player from australia
what agassi say he he wrote he wrote this book where he talked about he never
wanted to play tennis
his dad this is so fucking crazy his dad decided he was going to play tennis
and he just made him go
out and practice he was crying didn't want to do it and it's just amazing the
will of that guy and him
keeping him on playing he he's one of the few guys he won a grand slam on all
three different surfaces
never wanted to play you might want to get out he also smoked a little crack
right he did he was on
crack he did smoke a little crack i don't think that's true no he did he was
because i i was a ball
boy at the u.s open all the all the jobs all the jobs for like the queen's dirtbag
kids with me now
he's on crack i swear to god he smoked crack so did i smoke crack jennifer capriotti
smoked crack too
i smoked crack with her so so when i was a ball boy at the u.s open and you
know like everybody else
like wimbledon and the french roland garros they'll all get like elite kids
like diplomats kids to be
the ball boys and ball girls and court attendants but queen in uh in the u.s
open it's just they get
dirtbags from queens so they went to you know my neighborhood middle village
ridgewood glendale they just
got all these kids that were just you know and we didn't understand really the
sport at all like
we're just cursing and we we're not being quiet while they're volleying the
ball back and forth
nobody fucking knows we're like oh tennis this is gay like we're like oh we're
watching these gay guys
play andrea did not smoke crack by the way uh he smoked crystal meth crystal
meth that's what it was
right janice how many times have you smoked crack with jennifer capriotti a
couple of times it was
about 90 the greatest if you said once i'd be like you know why that was
because you can't keep your
fucking mouth shut why are you spilling the beads on her uh because you know i
mean the i that was like
big news and then she came back and she won the u.s open after smoking crack i
mean wait was it that should
be smoked with you or big news that she smoked no she i was just joking i never
smoked with her i didn't
have the honor i never had the honor of smoking with her um but i did have some
friends who knew her
who had the honor of smoking with her true story all right and yeah for a while
she just podcast i get
your podcast now okay true story here we go yeah yeah we just don't we don't
tell the truth at all
what yeah