Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-20
Uploaded: 2020-09-08T18:55:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-08. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, September 7th, 2020.
What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, I'm in a good mood.
I'm in a good fucking mood, baby, for a bunch of reasons.
All right. Number one, the heat wave. Heat wave. The fucking heat wave is over.
It's only fucking going to be 90 degrees today. It got up to 116 degrees, 119
degrees out here in the fucking valley.
And I was sitting there, you know, all these people like on Instagram or text.
I got like both my air conditioners on. And I want to be like, well, if there's
any way you could only have one on.
You know, people who cranked their fucking ACs yesterday, you know, I get if
you look, if you got a window one and it's just, yeah, I get that.
But fucking rich cunts. All right. People got money who just still said fuck it
and kept their entire goddamn place.
You know, you know, I kind of got into it. My wife a little bit yesterday.
I was just like, look, let's just have the fucking AC on, stay on this floor
and we'll just shut it off, you know, on the bottom floor.
What if I have to go down there? Then fucking turn it on.
It's 119 degrees out because of people, you know, because partly because of us.
Can we, can we just, can we just fucking agree on that?
This was the hottest day I've ever experienced in my life.
This weekend was just like, it was, I only, I can't even describe the level of
fucking hot that it was.
It was just, uh, it was 120 fucking goddamn degrees.
Um, but fortunately, California's passed the law.
I guess in a couple of years, all the trucks have to be electric.
Um, so I, I just, my fear is that we're moving way too goddamn slow.
It's unbelievable.
It's really fucking amazing to me.
The fucking decisions that human beings will make with just when money is
involved.
Like, well, I mean, it's, this is going to be great for your children.
Yeah.
But is it going to cost $40 more?
I forget.
I ain't fucking doing that.
I'm not doing that like this, this, um, and there really is no solution to it.
I've just, there's just no way to get people out of this fucking mindset.
And it's just because I really believe in my heart of hearts that, um, crazy
people are
attracted to power and nice people don't want power.
So then what ends up happening is nice people end up working for slash
listening to crazy
people.
Okay.
I don't think you have to look too far into our leadership right now to
literally find
an absolute, like a legit crazy person, a fucking crazy person.
And then you're seeing people ignoring that the dude is crazy.
I'm not talking Mike Pence.
I love that guy.
That guy looks like fucking race Bannon from fucking, uh, Johnny quest.
That guy looks like he's got his fucking marbles together.
But people are so into their ideologies and their fucking pocket books that
they, they will
look past anything.
I mean, I, this is like, just as far as just, you know, watch being in the
public eye a little
bit and watching my friends who are in it more than I am watching them handle
shit when all
of a sudden they get in trouble.
I just, I, I just, as a fucking person who's a little bit out there, I have to
see how Donald
Trump is going to, I think he's already handled it.
Like you would think that calling the troops a bunch of suckers and losers,
that that, especially
when your fan base is, is patriotic.
And so many of, of, of the, of the troops are Republican, Republican families
and that
type of shit.
How the fuck he's going to get himself out of this.
Um, I think he's going to do what he always does.
He's going to lie.
He's going to say it's fake news.
And I think the people on the right have just so bought into this guy that they're
just,
they're just going to look past it.
They're not going to give a fuck.
You know, it's, it's like sports fans, except this actually counts.
So I don't know what, I would feel a lot better if Trump was out of the picture
and it was Mike
Pence versus Joe Biden.
Then I'd be like, all right, these are two, you know, level-headed guys, you
know, and
they are, they just have different political ideologies and you just have to
get out of
your own fucking bullshit to see that.
But geez, Louise, this fucking guy, this other fucking guy.
Um, you know, I don't, it's just a fucking guy.
The fucking guy is, he's just, he's just a bullshitter.
Let's listen to that guy talk.
It's like, he's trying to sell me a fucking car.
Um, then the other guy, if he could quit spooning with children, I think he'd
have a fucking
chance, right?
I mean, I just thought, what is he doing?
I don't know.
It's a, it's a, it's a crazy goddamn time, but you know, it's also a great time
because
it's, it's September 7th.
We are three days away from, put it up, put it up, the NFL starting back up
again.
You're going to get to see Tom Brady with Gronkowski back in new uniforms down
in Tampa Bay.
All right.
You're going to be able to see the guy that we got.
I'm once the guy, I got to wait till the season starts and I don't know what
the fuck's this.
Cam Newton with Bill Belichick.
One's in the NFC, the other's in the AFC.
They're on a collision course.
And oh, by the way, let's not disrespect the fucking returning, the defending
Super Bowl champions.
Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs, you know, I think that they're
going to have
a chip on their shoulder being like, whoa, well, wait a minute.
How come we're not the story?
We're the returning champions and you guys are going to try to sell this Hatfield
and
McCoy shit without us.
So I'm looking for them to come out feeling disrespected.
I'm looking for Kelsey to dance even more than he normally does when he gains a
yard and
a half stomping all around the field.
Kidding.
Not really though.
But if I do play fantasy football, I'm definitely drafting that guy.
It's probably too late to start, isn't it?
I don't know.
I don't know, Bill.
Maybe if you fucking played it, you know some more of the more of the goddamn
players.
Anyway, I'm very excited about that.
And I'm also excited because the New York Islanders beat the Philadelphia Flyers.
I really enjoyed that.
I have this weird relationship with the Philly sports teams is I like all of
their teams.
It's just their fans are such cunts that it just like I went one time I went to
a Boston
Bruins game.
I took my mother to the fleet center to watch the Bruins against the Flyers and
these three
fucking Philly fans sat behind us and they were such rude assholes.
And they knew they were doing it and they knew it was bugging me, which made
them do it even more that I just I just take joy.
I just take joy in the fact that that that those three guys are fucking
miserable right now.
And this song goes out to you.
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
If you have, you must be crying because, you know, you're close to dying.
Have you ever seen the Flyers win the cup?
Joe Bartnick taught me that song and I will sing it.
I don't know.
45 years in.
Yeah.
Do you realize what that means?
That means if you were 45 years old, the last time the Flyers won it, you're
probably fucking dead.
Most likely you're dead.
I mean, that's that's the fucked up shit.
Can you imagine you're a little 12 year old kid?
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
They went back to back.
Oh, this is going to be amazing.
Now I'm 13.
They want it again.
This is what my life's going to be.
And now you're almost 60 years old.
And I'll tell you, it could not have happened to a nicer fan base.
I do love the Flyers, though.
I do love those colors.
And I do love the way that they played all those years, beating the fuck out of
people.
I loved it.
They're fans, though.
It's just you just got it.
You just like you want to feel bad for them.
But then you get around and be like, nah, these people, they kind of deserve it.
I mean, the fucking 1983 Philadelphia 76ers is my favorite NBA team of all time.
I fucking love that team.
And I like I said, I've been saying it forever.
I put them up against the 96 Bulls.
Now, I think that that's the greatest matchup.
Come on.
Moses.
Maurice Cheeks.
Dr. J.
Andrew Toney.
I would put Bill Cunningham up against Phil Jackson.
I would do it.
Just that foregone conclusion that they would just beat anybody.
I just I just I don't buy it.
Moses Malone down low against fucking.
What the fuck was the fuck was the guy's name?
Not Luke Walton.
Who there they had.
They had they had.
It was Luke something or other big, goofy white guy.
He would have got dunked on the whole goddamn fucking series.
Whatever.
Shut the fuck up, Bill.
OK, can you even hit a layup?
No, I can't.
I just like talking shit.
I missed the F1 race yesterday.
That was evidently the one that I wanted to see.
Let me finish talking fucking hockey here.
So the Islanders since first time since 1993.
The last time the Canadians won a Stanley Cup and the last time a Canadian team
won a Stanley Cup, which is why I was rooting for Vancouver.
Because, you know, Canada gave us this great game every fucking year.
They come in.
It's like it's seven teams against 23.
It's getting ridiculous, although it's been a 30 year drought.
So one of you fuck should have won it by now.
And, you know, what's better than seeing Canadian people happy?
You know, because then they can continue with the lie of that country being
progressive and open to to like, I don't know, whatever they're supposed to be
like.
They always make them out like whenever I go up there, they always tease them.
But you guys think like you're like the best white people, you know, when you
have the exact same fucking history we do, you know.
So anyway, yeah, Philadelphia Flyers, 45 year drought, Vancouver Canucks lose
to the Vegas Knights.
They've never won it.
They've been in the league since 1970, 50 year drought, Buffalo Sabres, 50 year
drought.
And then the leaders of them all is the Toronto Maple Leafs, 53 year drought.
Special mention to the California Golden Seals that later on became the
Cleveland Barons who never won anything and then folded.
You know, at least these other teams are still out there.
You know, the Kansas City Scouts are still out there via Colorado Rockies.
And now they're the New Jersey Devils.
And then they ended up winning something.
And I wonder if anybody in Kansas City even realized it.
There's probably a couple of diehard fucking scout fans out there that were
happy in 1995.
All right, Bill, you've you've you've established that you're you have no life
and all you've been doing is watching sports.
And I missed the the Italian Grand Prix Formula One race.
Yes, yesterday.
Congratulations to Pierre Gasly.
I think I taped it.
I have to watch it.
You know, if you asked me to say that guy's name, I wouldn't have known it
because he's always in the the back of the pack, the middle of the field or
whatever, just because, you know, Mercedes has all the fucking money and these
other teams can't get enough money to compete.
It's not Mercedes fault.
It's nobody's fucking fault.
I don't know.
They got to do like revenue sharing or something like they do in football,
because if you look at like if you're a New Orleans fan, right, you watch the
Saints every year.
You're like, we got a shot winning the Super Bowl.
You go to a Pelicans game.
It's like, let's go see Zion while he's still here.
We all knew Anthony Davis was going to fuck.
We just you just know that, like, eventually, if you have one of the best
players in the league and you're in New Orleans or you're in Charlotte or
Orlando, eventually they're just going to end up on the Lakers.
That's how they do their business over there.
I don't get it, which is why I'm absolutely thrilled with the Miami Heat play
in the way that they're playing, even though they finally lost.
As long as a team, as long as the Lakers don't win it, I've I've just given
into the fucking pylon team and I've kind of given into the fact that we're the
Celtics are always going to be on the outsid