Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-20
Uploaded: 2020-09-24T18:08:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-24. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just
checking in to
see how the new normal in working from home and sticking your kids in a school
pod is
working out for everybody all while socially distancing in 2020. Sorry, I was
trying to
throw it all in there. How are you? I am on the road. Echo, echo. I got a live
room here,
baby. Old freckles. Old pumpkin face himself. I was fucking doing, I did some
shows. I did
two shows last night, two shows the night before. I got two tonight, two to
Friday,
two Saturday. That's my new, that's my new normal. Instead of doing one big
show, I do
like 48 small ones. That's it. That is fucking it. So I want to thank everybody
for putting
this thing together. This place where I'm at, Ridgefield, I guess, Connecticut
is the best
setup that I've been to. It's incredible. There's like a giant hill. I'll take
you through
the whole fucking thing here. Okay. Tuesday night, I was essentially on a patch
of grass
where people usually probably play touch football behind a motel. And it was
funny. They had this
little slab, blue slab, maybe six inches off the ground under this fucking, you
know, you
know, those, those tailgate tents, there's no sides to them. You know, they
just have like
the four posts and then the thing on top standing underneath that. But then the
people too far away.
So you kind of got to walk out into the grass, you know,
and I'm doing my show and I'm having a great time. The people are fucking
awesome.
It was oddly amazing. It was just fucking, it was great to hear people laughing
and making
them laugh again. And I'm in the middle of my show and all of a sudden,
you know, there's this fucking creepy little stream behind me, but you can't
see because
there's all these shrubs and shit. And all of a sudden this lady from next door,
you know,
there's this little split entry house that I was making fun of because they had
a new roof
on it, but they had the old shutters. I was joking out that makes the shutters
just stand
out how fucking old they are, like having a new suit and old shoes. Right. And
this lady came over and
with like her dogs and shit, I just sort of looked over. I just saw, I was like,
Hey, you know,
welcome to the show, whatever. She gets in with the security guard and I'm just
like, sorry,
is there a problem? What's going on? And then she just starts yelling at me. I
have rights and I can
hear you all the way in my house and I shouldn't have to listen to that filth
and all the stuff,
you know, and I did say cunt and I was yelling. So, you know, I'm not a dick.
So I said, Oh,
sorry about that. I mean, maybe I can kind of tone it down a little bit. We'll
send you gift
bands. Ah, just kept one of these people. They just wanted to yell. And it was,
uh, you know,
she started wagging her finger. I was like, don't you wag your finger at me,
you know,
get through this whole ridiculous thing. And she just kept screaming and
yelling and screaming
and yelling and screaming and yelling. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't
diffuse
it. And, uh, I don't know. And then she started like walking away and shit and
then she came
back, you know, it was a fucking mess. And then I didn't know what to do
because I felt
bad for it. It's like, you know, she didn't want to hear the show. They usually
had this
white noise machine and I guess the wind blew it over and it broke a few shows
ago before
I got there. So she was here and everywhere. And then, you know, then the worst
part is
I found out that she didn't live in that split entry that I was making fun of.
She lived across
the street and the person who lived in the split entry was actually listening
to the show
and enjoying it. And I was shitting on his house.
Um, so I felt bad about, I mean, I wasn't like shitting on it, shitting on it,
but I, you know,
it was a split entry and I was just making fun of how I never liked the split
entry.
Um, stupid, silly fucking jokes about that. You know, it's not a house. If you
can jump
off it and you can't kill yourself, you know, it's like they started to build a
house and
then they just quit and just like, all right, let's just make the basement, the
first floor.
And we'll just fucking have a one and a half floor as a top floor. Uh, yeah,
that's elitist.
That's what we do. I'm from Hollywood now. I don't know. It was just fucking
sitting there.
I was just making, I just saw it. I was making fun of it. There was a U-Haul in
the fucking
parking lot, you know, of a motel. One of the saddest situations you can be in.
I was making fun.
I was just fucking ripping on people when I was there and that's all I was
doing. And then
that lady came over. I felt really bad, but then I found out she's kind of been
doing that like
every show when she lived across the street. And I was like, all right, I get
it. But you know,
you always have to respect the fact there are people out there that don't, they
don't want to listen to
those kinds of words. You know, it goes all the way back to the great Janet
Jackson and her titty
popping out during the Superbowl. And all these fucking people who watch free
porn all the time
were like, wait a minute. Like, what's the big deal? Well, here's what the big
deal is. It was on
network television and a lot of people just, you know, don't have cable, not a
lot, but people don't
have cable because they don't want to watch people, you know, cursing and
shooting each other and
fucking on screen. So they put on a Superbowl, they're watching a football game
and all of a sudden
there's an iconic titty fucking on their screen. Which, by the way, was totally
planned. It was not a
wardrobe malfunction. It was totally designed to be ripped off. They were
trying to do something
shocking. It came off perfectly. Her clothes were not ripped. It came off like
fucking Velcro. It was
perfectly round circle right around her titty, right? She went out of her way
to get her nipple
pierced. The whole fucking thing was planned. And just the way she, she didn't
reach up and cover
herself. She sort of framed her titty. So the whole thing was planned, right?
Janet
took the fucking heat. The fucking NSYNC guy just sort of fucking moonwalked
out of the picture
and everybody got mad at him. You know, which I didn't understand because wasn't,
he revealed
the titty. So even if he fucking didn't own up to it, he still did us a solid.
So my apologies to that lady. You know, I tried to clean it up a little bit,
but they turned the
sound down for the second show and she didn't come back. Her and her two sad
dogs. I think dogs know
when they have a crazy owner, you know what I mean? They're still loyal to a
fault. They're like,
all right, I don't feel like running away and trying to become a wolf again. So
I'll stick it out with
this person. But, uh, you know, you'd think they would learn from how cool I am,
you know, cause dogs
are fucking cool. You know, dogs are definitely cool fucking people. Oh, for
God's sakes. When can I
ever fucking type in my password, right? The first time can that ever happen? I
don't think it does.
Um, I worked last night. I missed the Celtics game, but just looking at the
scoring line,
it just looked like, you know, Miami just was just a little more relentless
than we were.
Um, up three games to one. What a playoff run they're having. I think that's
only,
they've only had two losses. Um, so I'm looking forward to them. I imagine that
they're going to
play the Lakers. I feel like the Lakers did what they need to do. Buy up all
the talent
available in the fucking league. I am so fucking rooting against them.
If they went out and bought another fucking, you know, another great fucking
center, they've
been doing it my, for 50 years of my fucking life. Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar,
Shaquille O'Neal, LeBron James. When's it going to end? Hey LA, when are you
actually going to be
smart enough to draft somebody, your own fucking guy? You just can't fucking do
it. They don't need
to. They don't need to. They got the fucking movie stars for the guys to bang
and they got the perfect
weather. Um, it's a hard thing to compete with. Although Golden State did do it
for a minute.
They somehow convinced all those people to go up and hang out in Oakland. Well,
you can go to San
Francisco if you want to, uh, zhuzh it up a little bit. Okay. Let's not forget,
you know, we got, uh,
we got San Jose. We got, I got Santa, uh, you got a fucking Fresno. You know,
if you want to keep it
real, go to a tough town, not saying Oakland isn't tough, but I think a lot of
people who can't afford
San Francisco have now moved in to Oakland, which is, is lowered their, uh,
their, their ranking
of tough towns and they got Sacramento. They got sectown. That's a tough, it's
a tough sell. San
Francisco is not a tough sell. If you got athlete money, I think, I don't know.
I don't know what
the deal is. I don't know what's going on up there. I just heard there's
another fire in
fucking LA. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Okay. How come, how come no, what's,
what's the name
of the people that fucking had the gender neutral thing? But by the way, they're
saying that that's
a stupid thing to get upset about. I mean, you can't on a certain level, but
like all those
other fires were created by all of us having flat screen TVs on every other
fucking, you know,
bat and lightning. Um, but we did make it extra dry. So I don't know. I did see
a couple of
commercials of people talking about, you know, I'm working for this company. We're
making fucking
windmills cause I want to try to, so my kid knows that I did try to do
something. Um, I don't think
it's going to be easy, but I think we're going to do it. I think the scientists
that for some reason,
nobody's listening to, not enough people are listening to during this fucking
pandemic because New York was
doing great. And I guess they had another fucking breakout in Queens. They
should go out and arrest
everybody that went out and got fucking COVID. That's what they, you just got
to fucking,
you got to do it. You got to like round up all the jerk offs and you are a
fucking jerk off. If
you're not wearing a fucking mask, you're a fucking jerk off. You're lazy. You're
selfish. You're a
fucking jerk off. Un-fucking believe the fact that you wouldn't listen to a
fucking scientist. Look at
you go back and look at your high school transcript. You fucking dope. You know
what it does? It just
really feed that this whole thing just feeds into, to, to, to people's egos, um,
panic and their,
their, uh, their sense of control. And there's a lot of fucking control freaks.
There's a lot of
egomaniacs out there and there's a lot of fucking scared little chickens out
there and they can't
handle this fucking thing. So what their way to take control of it is to rebel
against it.
You know, egomaniacs want to be right. That's not what's going on. I'll tell
you what's really
going on. This is actually a fucking conspiracy. You take away your rights.
This is the dumbest.
And I love a conspiracy, but like, do you really think the entire fucking world
got on board for
this? It's the new world order. Um, why do, am I doing a Southern accent? Like
there's not crazy
people. Dude, it's the new fucking world order. Um, all right. So anyway,
Connecticut, Jesus Christ,
what a beautiful state this is, you know, sort of the have and have nots, the
epitome of it. Um,
that's what I've noticed out here, you know, where I'm staying in the middle of
nowhere
is, is all these farms out here. And I've noticed some farms have old pickup
trucks parked in front of
and others have like Porsches and Audis and Mercedes. So there's like two types
of people up here. You
got the banker that went and bought an old farm and then converted it into some
fucking, I don't know
what. And then you got like someone who's actually a farmer growing food for
people. So it's