Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-26-20
Uploaded: 2020-10-26T21:34:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-26-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-26-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-26-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, October 26, 2020, what's going on? How are you?
Now, the first thing you're probably noticing is just like, well, Bill, you
know what?
I'm not hearing the energy that I'm used to.
I'm not hearing the light. I'm not hearing the positivity.
I mean, here we are, we're rolling into the holidays, and you're coming with
this glum tone.
I kind of fucked up my voice. As I mentioned last week, I got caught up.
I was four episodes behind with F is for Family, and I recorded last week on
Tuesday and Wednesday
and knocked out four episodes of Screaming Like Frank Murphy.
So forgive me, my voice is a little rough here.
So I got the Throko tea. I finally learned how to drink tea.
You know, I used to pour it on my leg. No.
I drank it like a fucking American.
The water was piping hot, and the bag was still in the fucking cup.
And it finally dawned on me that the heat, because I always hated like coffee
and tea.
I'm like, it's too fucking hot. It burns my mouth.
It just tastes like dirty water, scalding dirty water.
Why would I want to do this, right?
And then the other day, I finally actually used my brain.
It's like the hot water is to activate whatever the fuck's in the teabag.
And then you take the teabag out of the thing.
It's so funny that teabag has just become like a sexual thing.
There's an actual teabag.
And you take it out of the cup, you throw it away, and by then the fucking, it's
drinkable.
It's actually enjoyable.
So I like to apologize to everybody in England.
All these years I've been making fun of fucking sitting around drinking tea.
I get it.
It's way better than coffee, I would say.
I'm not a big coffee guy.
Ah, Jesus.
Why would you do that, Bill?
I already shit all over golfers on the Bill Burtt podcast.
You know, people all up in arms with that fucking activity.
I stand by it.
It's not a sport.
It's an activity.
If you're an athlete, you will excel at it more so than the average jerk-off
out there, without a doubt.
Yeah.
I mean, that's just like anything.
That's like you're sitting at your desk and you fucking throw a fucking piece
of paper into a waste paper basket.
I mean, is that a fucking sport?
I don't know.
No, my difficulty with golf, especially with all the fucking assholes, you know,
sports fans who just sit there and they talk about cheating with the Astros or
the Patriots or fucking whatever, you know, big college programs.
They talk about cheating and it's just like, oh, yeah.
What about you and your golf score, huh?
With your mulligans and your breakfast balls and your gimmies, you know, and
that fucking whatever you're supposed to stick your arm out and drop it.
You sort of kick it with your foot or whatever the fuck you do, that Caddyshack
shit.
It's a dishonest sport played by dishonest people who, you know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just I just like shitting on it.
These fucking assholes.
You know, every fucking two weeks, my asshole, my friends with this stupid
asshole game golf be.
Oh, dude, I got my new drive.
Oh, dude, I got this new set of wedges.
It's just like every fucking year, every two years, they got to go out and get
a brand new set of clubs.
They go into these fucking stores.
Right.
And they analyze your swing.
And if you're hooking or if you're slicing, they like twist the clubs so you
don't have to improve as a player.
The club adjusts to your fucking swing.
It's just like, I mean, and you're going to get on the Astros for banging on a
fucking trash can.
I have no idea.
Speaking of that, my Internet's all fucked up, of course.
Let's see here.
Yeah.
Why would you load?
I only pay nine million dollars a month for fucking everything.
I couldn't believe it.
I was talking to a buddy of mine yesterday who's older than me, and he's a cord
cutter.
It's just like, holy shit.
You know, what, do you got a fucking 19 year old girlfriend now?
What are you?
What are we doing here?
Let me see here.
I want to look up who won last night.
The Dodgers were looking to go up three games to one.
I've been watching that series, man.
Unbelievable game on Friday.
Holy shit.
It's three games to two.
The Dodgers won last night.
Oh, so the Rays must have tied it up.
Oh, I forgot they played every single night.
I watched Friday night.
I missed Saturday.
Oh, wait.
Did the Rays win Saturday?
Wait a second.
That back and forth game?
Because I had to leave right at the end.
So it's three games to two.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine if the fucking Dodgers lose it again this year?
Jesus Christ.
I don't know.
I like both teams, though.
I just think it's going to be cool for L.A. or for Tampa Bay that they win two
championships in one year.
And I got to tell you, the greatest fucking thing you can do as a sports fan is
be happy for other people's championships.
The sheer joy of just watching sports is ruined by your hatred of your rivals.
You know, look, I'm never going to root for the fucking Canadians, the Yankees,
the Lakers or whatever.
But, I mean, if they win a championship, they won the championship.
So what good is it for me to sit here and waste all this energy resenting it?
Hey, good for them.
Good for them.
They won a championship.
Fantastic.
I hope it happens for us next year.
But I'm not going to fucking be mad at your championship.
Congratulations.
That's great.
And then you know what else it does?
It annoys the fans of the other team.
So it actually works.
But back to the T, everybody.
Back to the T.
I mean, you know, I'm not a big tea drinker.
You know, I'm not going to lie to you.
I never going to.
That's one of the smart fucking things I did.
For all the time I've wasted watching sports.
No, and I've wasted a lot of time.
In fact, this whole fucking weekend.
This whole weekend, I just decided I wasn't going to do shit.
All right.
I watched.
I got all caught up on MotoGP.
Although I didn't watch yesterday's race.
You know, it comes on too fucking early.
And I was waiting for him to upload the race to my stupid.
Internet isn't working here.
And I'm hoping.
Dude, if Alex Marquez won a race.
I mean, I'm so.
I'm excited to see who's going to win the championship this year.
All right.
But the king, Mark Marquez, is hurt.
Right?
So, what are you going to do?
It is what it is.
So, next year.
It's like those two Houston Rocket championships.
I mean, Michael wasn't playing.
He wasn't playing the first year.
And then the next year, he was getting his legs back.
Oh, they're not going to link me in Houston with that one.
But next year, to see both Marquez brothers, both riding Hondas, competing
against one another.
And then watching their dad freaking out is just going to be, it's going to be
amazing.
It's going to be amazing.
I can't, I'm already looking forward to next season.
But I'm telling you, that's where it's at.
That's where racing is at.
Because I actually watched a little bit of the Formula One race yesterday.
It happened to be on.
I turned it on.
About 20 laps in.
And it was just more of the same.
Lewis Hamilton out in front.
No one's going to pass him.
You already know he's going to win the race with 40 laps to go.
All the racing is going on for like fifth, sixth, seventh place.
Like, that's where you want the camera to be.
And that's what happens in a lot of those fucking races.
Like, they won't show Lewis for like fucking four laps because he's so far
ahead of everybody.
But it is what it is.
The guy's the greatest driver ever.
But he's so much better.
And Mercedes is so much better than everybody else that it's just fucking
boring.
It's like watching the NBA with like pylon teams.
Oh, Bill, can't you just be positive?
So anyway, I watched, I got caught up with that.
I also, I watched Indiana versus Penn State.
Holy shit, what a game that was.
It's funny.
I text my buddy in the middle of it when Penn State came back like you knew
they were going to.
And I text him.
I was like, why does, why does the University of Indiana have a football team?
Because I'm always rooting for them.
Every year it seems like they're going to upset Ohio State or Penn State or
Michigan or somebody fucking big.
You're in there, you're watching the game.
And like if the game was three quarters long, Indiana would be fucking Big Ten
championships.
So I'm watching them blow it, right?
Penn State scores a fucking touchdown, minute and a half left.
Indiana's not going to score, right?
So we're fucking just sitting there talking about them.
It's like, it's like watching Charlie Brown trying to kick the football and all
of a sudden Indiana goes down the goddamn field.
Scores a touchdown to win it.
Not to win it, sorry, to tie it up to go into overtime, right?
So then Penn State gets the ball, of course, and they drive right down the
field and get a touchdown.
It's like, ah, well, at least, you know, Indiana turned the corner.
They turned the corner and they were able to at least not lose it until fucking
overtime.
And then they marched down the field, not only scored the touchdown, have the
balls to go for the two-point conversion.
And who knows, people might dispute it or whatever, but it was ruled a
touchdown.
The nose of the ball could have gone across before it touched out of bounds and
then hit the corner pylon.
Fucking amazing, amazing game.
Congratulations to the University of Indiana.
My condolences to Penn State because, you know, you guys losing to Indiana is
actually just good for Ohio State.
And for some reason, Ohio State drives me up the fucking wall.
I really like the team, but their fans are just the biggest whining fucking
babies.
Every year, they think that they should be in the playoffs.
The amount of times they've whined and actually got in the playoffs, only to
lose by 40 fucking points in the first round.
SEC can't play with us, you know?
I'm not saying that, you know, I mean, some years they do, but every year they
think that, you know, some years they are better.
I'm not saying that, but like, you know, I'm not saying they're not.
But like the amount of times they whined and cried and got in there and then
the whole country had to fucking sit there and watch a terrible fucking
football game.
I don't know.
I got issues with them.
And one year they won.
Somehow they won the Big Ten championship over fucking Penn State, who had like
a better record and beat them.
It was something fucking insane like that.
And they still fucking whine and cry.
Or maybe it's just the ones that I know.
I have no idea.
I shouldn't paint that brush.
I just said that I was letting go of all of that shit, right?
Anyway, sorry.
So I watched that and then I just watched a bunch of pro football yesterday.
I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Who are looking fucking looking great.
There's some great names, by the way, in in sports right now.
CeeDee Lamb.
And who's Juju Smith-Schuster.
The whole game I kept going, throw it to Juju Smith-Schuster.
I just want to hear him say that name again.
Then there's a guy in the fucking, I watched the first half of the Alabama-Tennessee
game.
I'd look at the guy's name.
It's like Henry Oyo Oyo or something fucking crazy like that.
Let me find this guy.
Tennessee.
It's one of the best fucking names.
There were some good ones when I was growing up.
Billy Joe Robodeau.
Buck Baloo.
All right, Tennessee Falls.
is it henry or is it harry oh yeah it's henry it literally just came up
henry it's t-o apostrophe o-t-o apostrophe o to-o-to-o-o or something i can't
even i don't
i don't know how to say it i gotta get the pronunciation whatever whatever
watch the game
i was watching him play alabama which is it's just like you know you only need
to watch the
first half of a fucking alabama game i it's like their entire team is like
number one draft picks
for the fucking nfl i mean the tennessee couldn't even fucking tackle them they
were just running
through them um so i just watched the first half of that that's right then i
switched over to indiana
penn state so anyway u