Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-20
Uploaded: 2020-11-12T20:30:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-12. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you. I'm specifically just checking in on the state
of Oklahoma.
How y'all doing out there? How are them cowboy hipsters in Tulsa?
How the fuck are you guys doing? You know something? You guys are going to get
a lot of shit with that mass stuff.
And I wanted to give you shit, but I actually read on this and it's starting to
make sense to me.
So the Oklahoma State Department. Oh, Jesus, Bill, are you going political too?
Why not?
Everybody else seems to be doing it. You know, if everybody's playing disco,
you know, I'm going to fucking play disco.
All right. The Oklahoma State Department of Health held a meeting on Monday
after hearing testimony from state and county leaders on the state of COVID-19
response.
So they were basically talking about if they mandated.
Not requesting or requiring you to wear a mask, mandating, saying you must wear
a mask.
Somebody in charge there. Because when I first saw the story, it was just like,
yeah, we're not fucking doing that.
And my first response was to yell at the TV.
Great. Then if you get it, they shouldn't fucking treat you. You should die in
the street.
You fucking cunt. You fucking one state dragging the other 49 down cunts.
Right. That was my first response. But now I actually read a little bit.
I read one article. Basically, it's on Fox News 23.
So who knows? It was saying that basically the person was where is this is such
a great fucking quote, which, of course, now I'm not going to be able to find.
Oh, God damn it. This is why I suck at shit. All right.
Wait a minute. Here we go. The guy person basically men or the woman said, I do
not recommend a mask mandate.
I recommend mass compliance.
Fry says. And this person said I had multiple people tell come up to me and
tell me, hey, I'll wear a mask.
But don't tell me I'm going to wear a mask. Then I'm not going to do it.
I'll fucking put one on if you ask me nicely, you you slingsuited motherfucker.
Don't you come on my property and tell me what the fuck I have to do.
All right. Now, this here is the difference between people who live in a city
and then live basically on their own in the middle of fucking nowhere.
All right. You live on your you live in a city.
You know, whatever you need, you call a guy and the guy comes and he fucking
does it.
I got a pool. I need a pool guy. I got a lawn. I need a lawn guy.
My fucking roof's leaky. I need a roof guy.
Well, that doesn't go. That doesn't wash in Oklahoma.
All right. If you got one of your fucking stairs out there and it's banging
into another one, fucking up your meat to sell it market.
You can't go out and just call a guy to come down and take out that fucking cow
steer, man.
You got to do it yourself. These are doing yourself fucking people.
They got a leaky roof. They're going to fix it themselves.
You know, someone comes in their house and I call on the cops.
They got the gun. They're taking them out.
They're feeding them to the pigs and they're going back to bed.
You know, I'm finishing a marathon of Mannix on me TV like I do.
Yeah, I get it now.
These people are not idiots. They just like I respect the hell out of that.
If you ask me nicely, I'll wear a mask.
But don't fucking tell me you're going to wear a mask that that is healthy.
That is a healthy questioning and in keeping authority arm's length.
All right. Let's let's not get this twisted.
You fucking work for me.
You fucking ask me nicely, motherfucker.
You ask me nicely and I'll wear it.
OK, don't come over here like you're fucking running shit.
Governmental sons of bitches.
I got just as many guns, just as many guns as you do.
Don't ever forget that.
I'll fucking use them.
All right.
You didn't train me either.
My daddy taught me before I was ever in the Marine Corps.
So I respect the hell out of that.
It is as long as you hope you guys comply and you fucking do it.
And, you know, because the Federal Reserve needs you to be healthy and go back
to work.
So this Ponzi scheme doesn't collapse.
I got to tell you, man, the crazier this country gets.
The better chance of survival.
All of these people that liberals make fun of have.
OK, and I'm not talking about you fucking conservative cunts with your laptop
in your little luxury apartment.
I mean the real deal people like everything they have is camouflaged like the
fucking dish towel to dry off the dishes is camo.
I'm talking about those fucking people that could, you know, they know how to
anything that fucking moves.
They know how to track it, kill it, prepare it and fucking eat it, store it.
Dig a fucking hole in the ground, come back 20 years later, remember where they
left it.
Pickled, whatever the fuck they do.
Those people are going to survive.
They don't need money.
They can literally sit there and be like, wait, we're going to act like we're
doing the 21st century thing?
You want to go back to the 18th fucking century?
I don't give a shit.
I know how to do all of that shit.
You know, people in the cities are like, oh my God, my fucking internet is out.
I'm so fucking past.
I do that every week on this podcast.
How much fucking money do I have to fucking pay for the fucking internet?
Yeah, that's a city dweller.
I am done.
The second the money system collapses, however long you can survive without
water because it never rains out here.
Then I'm fucked, you know, because God knows I'm not trapping it.
When am I going to eat some fucking, I don't know, diseased coyote out here?
So shout out to people of Oklahoma.
This city slicker here would love it if you would comply.
You know, it'd be nice if you guys wore masks.
It seems to be working because I got to be honest with you.
Evidently, it's exploding out here in L.A.
And I don't know.
It seems like if you just wear a mask, you're OK.
You know, I have no idea.
So anyway, you see, this is the deal, dude.
I fucking I like people.
I'm trying not to fucking be a cunt.
I'll tease you, but I'm trying not to be a cunt here.
And with that.
Let's see here.
Let's look up.
Trump meets with top election advisers.
As Biden's lead endures.
This is the thing.
There's even if he won this thing, there's no fucking way they're going to give
it back to him.
They can't do it because then they got to start turning over all these rocks
and they're just going to find a bunch of shit on both sides.
Dude, if they do this, if they really do a recount, right, which I guess they're
doing, I don't know, by hand.
It's like, well, how did you do it the first time?
People were mailing shit in.
I would just you would you shoved it into a computer.
Here's if you do a recount and on your recount, you get a different number.
Then you got to do it again.
OK, and then if there's fucking lawsuits and people start looking under all the
I'm telling you.
Both sides.
It's not good.
It's like it's going to be like when Jim Irsay investigated the Pats and they
found out that the Colts were doing exactly what the Patriots had done,
allegedly or whatever, whether it was done on purpose or whatever.
There's the weather, the pressure in the ball outside.
There was under inflated balls on both sides.
Now, if you're a Trumpster, you're going to argue that Donald Trump is the
Patriots where everybody's just hating on him because he's a fucking winner.
And Joe Biden is the Colts.
Now, granted, the Colts also wear blue.
So maybe that maybe that is a good argument.
I have no fucking idea.
But I'm just saying at the end of the day.
All right.
I just don't think that they're not going to give it to him.
There's a part of me for the comedy of it.
Being a part of the contrarian party.
Watching all those liberal idiots dancing on the side of the street.
It would be fucking hilarious just for that.
That they did that dance.
And then they saw, you know, psych.
You didn't win.
That shit would be funny.
It wouldn't be good for the country, but it would be funny.
It would be funny.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
What is I always is as long as I can remember.
I remember when I was a little kid.
When I would see another little kid that I didn't know fall down and cry.
It made me happy.
I just thought it was funny.
It's because I was already a little miserable bastard.
I remember well into my 20s and 30s.
If I was in a grocery store.
And I saw some kid fall down.
He cried.
And his mother ran over.
And kissed him and hugged him and gave him support.
It used to make me angry.
And I would think, eh, fucking pussy.
And it wasn't.
It was jealousy.
And I think that that's what it was.
And then if I saw a kid whining.
Asking for something.
And then the mother said no.
And made the kid cry more.
It used to make me happy.
And I'd start cracking up laughing.
Just watching the kid, you know.
Not because I'm really happy.
It's just, there's just certain things that just.
You relate to them so they're funny to you.
Like that story I always told that time.
I don't know if I.
How long ago I told this story.
I'll tell it again.
One time I was on a plane.
One time.
Well, just one of a zillion times I was on a plane.
I'm on this plane.
And I'm riding with my lovely wife.
And she's sitting in the aisle seat.
And I'm sitting in the middle seat.
Right?
It's not really a middle seat when you're sitting next to your wife.
Because you can kind of fucking spill into her seat.
And it's fine.
You got the arm up.
Right?
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
She was in the middle seat.
That's right.
I was on the aisle.
That's right.
So I'm watching this movie as my wife is sleeping.
And something happens.
I'm watching it on the laptop.
And something happens in the movie that makes me laugh so fucking hard.
I'm literally leaning into the aisle.
I'm laughing so hard.
Not only do I wake my wife up, the woman on the other side, the one who has the
window seat, is laughing at just how hard I'm laughing.
Like, you ever see somebody laughing so hard?
You know what they're laughing at?
You just start cracking up.
That's how hard I was laughing.
So my wife wakes up.
And she's laughing.
I'm going, what are you laughing about?
And I'm trying to cover the movie.
I'm going, nothing, nothing.
She goes, what do you, let me see.
Let me see.
And I go, you're not going to like it.
And she spun around.
She saw that I was watching Precious.
And she fucking starts punching me in the shoulder, which of course made me
laugh even harder.
And I wasn't laughing that this poor chick was going through all of that shit.
It's just the mother said something so fucking, it was so mean.
And then they cut to her face and she looked so sad.
I just, I laughed.
I don't know why.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong.
I remember when I went to go see Sling Blade.
And when Dwight Yoakam fucking zoomed the guy in the wheelchair out of the, you
know, why don't you go home and practice, Randy?
And he fucking zoomed that guy out of the door in the fucking wheelchair.
I'll never forget it because at the time I was in the middle of an acting gig.
This is a long fucking time ago.
And Sling Blade was in the movies.
And I had gone to go see the movie with a couple of people that were also on in
this short film that I was making that never saw the fucking light of day.
Right.
And they were reacting the way you were supposed to react when you saw somebody
whose legs work fucking push somebody out of the door in a fucking wheelchair.
And they were reacting.
And I was dying laughing.
And I remember them looking at me, sort of smiling, but looking like, what the
fuck is wrong with this guy?
And that was the first time that I realized that actors and comedians were
wired differently.
We're both fucked up trying to be good people.
But we're definitely wired where I think the way they're wired is they like
they feel things that other people feel, not even saying they're in touch with
their other their own shit, but they can.
It's how that's why they're so good at acting.
You kno