Name: Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 2 | Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-20
Uploaded: 2020-11-23T20:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 2 | Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 2 | Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-23. Transcript available.

Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 2 | Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. How are you? I got the video this time,
huh? Look out, Joe Rogan. I'm coming for you, man. I'm fucking with you.
Someone will somehow try to make that negative. I'm back here at the Troubadour.
I'm back here at the Troubadour, one of the great places, rock and roll history.
We're helping them out here by, you know, we're going to be
selling some posters, autographed posters. Did I sign those yet? I haven't,
have I? All right. Autographed posters and help raise a little bit of money,
help save these live venues for when the smart people, the doctors, finally get
a cure for this thing, right? And then they can inoculate all the fucking dumb
cunts who won't wear a fucking mask, who will not wear a mask. Speaking of that,
I was, um, how do I tell this story? I'm going to just, I'm
I'm just going to tell it. I'm just going to tell it to you. I'm going to tell
it to you. And I'm going to tell it to you. Um, just edit editing to your life
right now. Uh, all right. So I was telling this story about that gig I tried to
do down, down when I was down like the beach, you know, and I showed up and the
owner of the club wasn't wearing a mask and everybody was all jammed in. And I
was going like, I'm like, dude, where's your mask? And she was just like, Oh,
you're, are you from LA?
You know, long story short. I'm like, yeah. And she goes, Oh, you know, we're,
we're down near the beach. You know, you don't get it. You know, we got the
breeze. And she was trying to say that the breeze would just, I don't know,
make the virus relax. So it can like, you know, put its feet up or some shit.
Right. So, um, you know, so whatever. So I'm telling this story because it was
ridiculous. It was fucking, it's everything that makes the internet ridiculous.
See, when, when I was growing up, you had to accomplish something to get
published.
You had to demonstrate. Yeah. If you're going to be a talking head, you had to
get a, I don't know, some sort of degree, something. Now at the internet,
anybody can chime in, which is fine. But the problem is, is everybody thinks
they're smart.
And the reality is, is if you look at your high school transcript, you weren't
that smart, were you? Or maybe you were, maybe you were the valedictorian. But
what are those fucking people usually end up doing? Huh? They're book smart.
If you write it down, they'll read it. And then you ask them the question and
they can vomit out what the fuck they just read. Doesn't make you smart. Just
means you can remember shit.
So then in life, you got all of these super smart people that got straight A's.
They spend the rest of their life just running out, getting people shit because
they can remember.
It makes no sense. So anyway, I'm telling this fucking story. Let's talk to
this camera over here. I'm going to work it.
Like all the great front men that have been up here. What about the front women?
This place has been sexist for years.
There's never been a woman on this stage. That's why I'm down here supporting
it. Kidding.
So I'm telling this story to a group of people over Zoom being safe. I tell
them this story of this lady telling me, you know, like, hey, man, like, you
know, you're down on the beach.
We got the breeze. So I just tell them this story and people laugh. And then
one person in the group goes, you know, if you took mushrooms, you could get
past that.
And I'm like, oh, I didn't say what I was thinking, what, because I didn't know
the rest of people in the group and I didn't want to be a cunt.
So I just I think I must have said what I go. What do you mean? He goes, yeah,
he goes, you could get past that.
And then you could see yourself in her. Now, all I wanted to say was that's the
dumbest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life.
Like this isn't about having empathy. This is about being a fucking moron in
the middle of a fucking pandemic.
I'm so sick of people taking mushrooms and then acting like they're fucking,
you know, they sat down with a Native American and smoke some sort of peace
pipe.
And they understand how the universe comes together. You know, you know, if you
took mushrooms, you'd feel like maybe this reality is just like a dream.
And like the whole relation to even like this chair is an idea of a chair or is
it just like or maybe or maybe you're on mushrooms and I'm sober.
How about that? That's what I hallucinating sounds tremendous to me. I am not
anti that.
If I wasn't a fucking psycho, I would be eating mushrooms every day. It's just
I don't need to see the demons in my head come to life.
All right. They've been in there a long fucking time and I don't want to let
them out. So but I I I think there's nothing wrong with doing that type of shit.
I am actually envious of people that do it. Go out in the desert, man, and
fucking take peyote.
It sounds fucking awesome.
It's it sounds as awesome as cocaine and heroin sound terrifying and just and
pills, all that shit.
It seems like this like happy shit, you know, cool shit to do and then the
fucked up shit, right?
Because everybody I know who's sober still smokes weed and takes mushrooms as
Josh Adam Myers calls it California sober.
So anyway, yeah, I'm just getting so fucking sick of this dislike.
I don't mind it. You know, doesn't bother me if somebody like takes hallucinogens,
but however you say the word, but just don't fucking come at me like you're now
smarter.
Like these fucking people are going like, dude, you take mushrooms.
It like resets your brain. It's like hitting the refresh button on your laptop
and it's like, I'm sorry.
And where did you go to medical school? Or my other favorite thing is whatever
happened to them is now going to happen to you because it happened to them.
And evidently they are the litmus test. I mean, litmus, litmus, litmus, litmus
test, right? Jesus Christ.
I mean, you fucking look at these goddamn scientists who are smart.
Okay. They don't just tell, they don't just torture one rat to death.
They do it to hundreds.
They didn't just take the shampoo and rub it in one rabbit's eyes.
They did it to a whole generation.
And that's why head and shoulders work so well, because they just didn't do it
to one fucking rabbit and be like, okay, now it works.
The amount of animals that you would have to kill before you could could draw a
conclusion to tell me what mushrooms do to my brains.
It's just like off the charts, you know, and that's why these fucking Peter
people need to be put down like all these dogs.
They're trying to save. Oh, look, here's my tea. Huh? I brought a tea, but yeah,
I brought a tea bag. You know, it's funny.
There's no way to say tea bag without snickering a little bit. I brought a tea
bag.
I'll tell you what's wrong with this country. When I was a kid, a tea bag was a
tea bag.
It wasn't about dropping your balls in some woman's mouth you just met.
Well, I'm very excited to be back here as I'm sitting here doing this is
probably annoying as hell to people listening.
Sorry, this is me. If you ever want to hear what a taking a tea bag out
sticking in it.
I finally learned how to drink tea. Do you know that my dumb ass? Not only
would I leave the bag in there, I would also still try and drink it while it
was piping hot.
And what I've learned is if you just fucking patient, it's going to come down
to a nice temperature.
You take the bag out and then you sip and you drink it. And then you tell
people about the mushrooms you took, man.
You know, if you took mushrooms, you could let that go.
It wasn't like I could see if I just brought it up out of nowhere. We were
talking about the pandemic.
Maybe I need to take mushrooms to let this guy tell me to take mushrooms to let
that go.
I don't know what it is.
Anyway, so yesterday I watched an amazing documentary on YouTube. I'm big on
YouTube, man. I like that shit. You give them your credit card. You just
fucking rent a movie. It's like four bucks.
So, I rented this documentary on Quiet Riot. I forget what the fuck it was
called. It was a lyric to one of their songs that I know.
Let me see what it is here. Hang on a second. Dude. It's from Bang Your Head.
Bang Your Head. You know that song?
I got the power. What is it? I got something like an alligator. Remember that?
How does that?
I got...I'm a laser. Six string and razor. He probably sang it right on the
stage. I got a mouth like an alligator.
The name is called "While You're Here, There's No Way Back." And I'm like, that's
an odd name for a fucking documentary.
And then I realized it was lyrics to that song that I heard.
Well, while you're here and there's no way back. Bang your head. Right? So
anyway, so I watched the fucking thing.
And Frankie Benalli, rest his soul, was doing the thing. And you got to see,
like, he's just one of those drummers.
Like, the second he sits down, you almost hear a thud. You know? Like, just
heavy fucking rock drummer.
Fucking awesome drummer. And it's an amazing story of that band and that album,
"Metal Health," and how it kicked in the door basically for the whole Sunset Strip.
And all of these bands were able to run through this porthole that they created
because the album went number one.
I forget the two. It passed the police synchronicity and Michael Jackson Thriller.
I mean, this fucking album was huge. So it caused the entire music business
industry to be like, "Holy shit. Where the fuck are these guys from?"
And then they came down and all of that stuff that you've seen, all of these
bands that ran through that door.
I would guess anyone from Motley Crue to Guns N' Roses and all those bands that
I grew up with that I loved.
So it was a really amazing documentary. And the level of comedy in it is
fucking amazing.
Just the sheer amount of band members, the bass player, every time they go to a
gig, like, his fucking amp doesn't work.
And it's always right as they were not. Like, it works at soundcheck. And then
they'll just be like, "Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage."
They'll be like, "I got no power!" "I got no power!"
So they had that shit. They had like a fucking 90 lead singer. So anyway, the
lead singer dies, unfortunately. Kevin Dubrow.
So now they got to get a new lead singer. So then you got to choose. You got to
be like, "All right, we're going to get like a proven guy, or we're just going
to go out there and try and get somebody that sounds like him."
So they went that road. They tried to get somebody that sounded like him. And
they get this fucking dude in there who was basically painting houses.
He comes into the audition and just fucking crushes it. Sounds just like Kevin
Dubrow. But the thing is, is he looks like a fucking lobster fisherman.
He's got like his hair. So it's like white and yellow. It's like hanging down.
He just looks like, I don't know. It's like, he looks like he played in like
the NFL in the 1950s when there was the idea of face masks were just coming
around, right?
This guy, this guy, this guy lived a life. So they pick him. They say, "You're
in the band. So we got to make you look like a rock star." Right? So they
fucking dye his hair, dye his goatee.
They get him all cleaned up. He did look great. And then they took him down to
like the rock star store, which is, I don't know the rules of rock, but there's
just something fucking hilarious to me that you still have to wear leather
pants, even if you're 60.
So they take him into this fucking high end, hot topic place. And they're
picking out shit that like, I mean, when I was a kid, whores would wear it when
they were like 18 and 19 when they could eat McDonald's and still have a flat
stomach.
So they got this fucking old sea captain to buy these fucking things. But, but
you know, they ended up picking out, you know, the guy picks out these
ridiculous leather pants and I almost burst it out laughing.
And then the guy they're picking goes, "Oh yeah, man, I saw those." And I'm
just like, all right, I guess I don't know. But then somehow when they wer