Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-20
Uploaded: 2020-11-30T22:34:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-30. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast from Monday, November 30th, 2020.
What's going on? How are you?
How you doing? I'm fucking snapping right and left.
Not in anybody necessarily. I am just, things are bothering me.
Things are bothering me. Like I just went out, you know, because I'm going on
the road here.
So I went out, I got my old truck. So I started it up to make sure when I come
back, it doesn't have a dead battery. Right.
So, you know, I go on, I take the tarp off the thing.
You don't want to make sure I lay it out the way I need to lay it out.
So it's not a big confusion thing when I try to go put it back on again.
And I fucking go to put the thing back on again.
I'm looking for the hole for the antenna. And I'm just like, you got to be
fucking kidding me.
What did this thing do? A fucking backflip on me? How the fuck did I fuck this
up?
Flipping out, standing up in the back of the truck, hitting my head on a
fucking tree branch, looking for the fucking thing.
And it turns out I had it the right way. I just I just didn't see where the
hole was.
Just snapping, snapping Tourette's, the whole fucking thing.
And yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I think I got this anger thing
beat, like I think I just think I have it beat.
And then I just sort of chill and then just stuff starts building up.
I need like an outlet to get it out of me better than like, oh, I'll go play
drums or I'll go work out.
I need to be doing something else, which is actually addressing the problem
rather than like, well, maybe I'll just do some fun stuff.
And then I won't be like fucking, you know, flipping out all the time.
But anyway, whatever, I'll go on the road and I'll fucking I'll try meditating
again, even though my fucking ears ring louder than they ever did because of
this fucking tentinous.
How the fuck are you supposed to say it? Tinnitus, tinnitus, however the fuck
you say it.
But so anyway, how'd you guys enjoy your football Sunday?
Did your team win like mine? Can anybody figure out the fucking NFC West?
I certainly can't. You would have thought that the fucking Rams.
I mean, the yeah, the Rams would beat the, you know, the overly injured, I
would say, 49ers.
And then they turn around, they fucking blow it.
You know, I had a good feeling about the Jets today.
Did they hang on and win? I know they were doing all right in the first quarter.
I'm sure Buff, not Buffalo, Miami came back and beat him.
They got a great defense. What I did was basically I watched my New England
Patriots beat a great Arizona Cardinal team.
Kyler Murray was a little bit hurt.
And Jesus Christ, I've never seen two teams commit more goddamn penalties in my
life.
They kept throwing the flag on the Patriots.
I'd be like, Jesus fucking Christ, what did they bet the Cardinals?
And every time they showed the clip, I'd be like, all right, that was a hold.
All right, that was, you know, that was interference.
The only one, there was only two calls that I didn't like was the, the blindside
block when we returned that punt.
And was it a kickoff? I can't remember for a touchdown.
And that really cost us because we only got a field goal after that.
I didn't understand the logic of it.
The guy, he didn't hit him from behind.
He didn't even hit him from the side.
He hit him from the front.
And I think it's becoming like hockey.
Was it because he left his feet?
I mean, it's not like the guy didn't see him or whatever.
I don't know.
And they both fell down.
So I don't know.
There was that one.
And then that bullshit one when the guy on the Arizona hit Cam Newton.
He was inbounds.
There was nothing wrong with that hit other than that they just protect the
quarterbacks.
And that was a personal foul.
Gave us 15 yards.
And set us up.
It was Ty.
Set us up for the game-winning field goal.
Here's my question.
For all you fucking mathletes out there that are into sports, who are into
analytics.
Like, how many, I should actually just say sports guys who are in football,
coaches, I would love for you to chime in anonymously, any coach, at any level,
what you think about analytics.
Because my whole time growing up, it was take the points, take the points.
I'm watching the Cardinals in the first half.
All right.
They're like, what the fuck was the score at the half?
Were they down by three?
I think they were down by three or something like that.
I don't know what the fuck.
You know what?
I actually tweeted about it.
It was such a fucking bizarre, bizarre play that they, what I would say,
decision that they did.
Let me look it up here.
Let me go to my account.
Oh, Billy Freckles' account.
What did I say?
All right.
The Arizona Cardinals just went for it on fourth and goal while up by three
points right before the half ended.
Yeah, it was like first and goal, second, third and goal.
They didn't get it.
Kick the field goal.
Go in up by six.
God willing, right?
So they go for it on fourth down.
They don't get it.
And this is what drives me nuts.
Nobody in the booth is questioning analytics.
Going like, am I out of my fucking mind?
Is there 30 minutes of football left and you just, for going for seven, you
just left a gimme fucking field goal?
You know, nothing's a gimme, but whatever.
It's about as close as it's going to be.
It's right on the fucking goal line.
Just kick the fucking field goal.
And then the end of the game, Cardinals lose by three points.
Now, obviously, if they kick the field goal, they call different plays.
Who knows what the fuck happens?
But I've seen, like, I don't know.
When I was a kid, if you did some shit like that, you got fired.
They were all over you.
I mean, Christ, the guy's going for it.
Fourth and goal in the second quarter.
Somebody get the guy to watch.
Now, it's like, I don't know.
Everybody grew up on video games.
Is that what it is?
So, you just go for it all the fucking time.
Oh, by the way.
By the way, there was a lady who went out and kicked the fucking ball.
Do you know how bad I was wishing that person took the ball back and she had to
fucking tackle him?
Now, what does he have to do?
What does the woke kickoff punt returner do in that situation?
It's like, I want to run this person over.
They are on the other team, but it's a woman.
And I've been treated, taught that you don't hit women.
And, you know, but I also want to win the fucking game.
And I want to treat her equally.
Because if there was a fucking little fella in that suit, I'd run right the
fuck over him.
Let's look this up here.
Lady.
Kicks.
You know they're going to say woman.
Kicks.
Baby.
Jesus Christ.
Kicks.
I used the wrong word there.
Lady.
Kicks off in football game.
All right.
In football.
Here we go.
Sarah Fuller became the first woman in a Power 5 game on Saturday when she
delivered the opening kickoff.
Let's see.
Let's see the video.
Is this it?
A Vanderbilt kicker.
First woman to play in Power 5.
The kicker said she was calm.
She went out.
I was really excited to step on the field and do my thing.
That's cool.
So my question is, is if you fucking, if that dude starts running it back, you
know, not saying she couldn't fucking tackle me, but, you know, I'm just a
goddamn comedian here.
Well, she kind of squib kicked it.
That's good.
That would be hilarious.
They're trying to do this pro woman thing and then she ends up getting run over
and gets knocked out.
You know, I mean, did he have to stiff arm her that hard?
Then they'd go into that poor kid's Twitter history and try to find something
where he trashes women anywhere.
He's been aggressive online since 2008 and a half.
Then all of a sudden he's in fucking trouble.
Anyways, how about your Buffalo Bills?
They just keep rolling a lot.
They just keep rolling along, these guys.
You know, the Chargers, I don't know.
They don't know how, they're young.
They're very talented.
They don't know how to win yet.
And the Bills handled them pretty goddamn easily.
I heard they played a little sloppy today.
27-17.
Looks like they're going to run away with the division.
Oh, Jesus.
I had the Jets.
I had the Jets today.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
They went up 3-0.
I just had this feeling.
I'm like, it's a division rivalry in the back of my head that's going,
Dolphins got a great defense.
No, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Sam Darnell, he's due, man.
He's fucking due.
He's going to go out there.
He's going to make some shit.
Didn't happen.
Didn't happen.
Panthers fucking blew it.
They were up against the Vikings.
Walking all over them.
And all of a sudden, they came back.
And then that was that for that, right?
Browns hang on for the Jaguars.
I actually, you know what game I did catch the end of?
I got the end of the Chiefs versus the Buccaneers.
And I love how much fucking weight they keep putting all his.
Patrick Mahomes, he wants to be 2-2 rather than 1-3 against him.
He's getting Brady on the fucking Buccaneers, you young cunt.
Relax.
Relax.
And he ends up throwing for a first down to ice the game.
And they go, oh, looks like the student became the teacher.
It's like, oh, I didn't realize Tom didn't know how to do that anymore.
It's like he's on the bench right now.
Defense is out there.
He's not covering the fucking wide receiver.
It's like this whole fucking season has just been about, I mean, I'm overly
sensitive as
a Pats fan.
So you can take all of this with a giant grain of salt.
You can shove it up your ass.
But I swear to God, it's all been about wanting to say Tom Brady's over,
wanting to say Bill
Belichick wasn't the reason.
They just keep trying to fucking shit on these guys.
But I just have to understand that they're just doing that because they fucking,
they
trounced people for 20 fucking years.
That's going to happen.
Anyway, so who's going on?
Who's got tonight?
Tomorrow's Seahawks, one of my favorite teams to watch versus the Eagles.
And now it's tonight, the Bears and the Packers, the classic matchup, blah,
blah, blah.
That game's going to be boring as shit.
Fucking Bears.
I swear to God.
They just bore this shit out of me.
I don't know what it is.
It's fucking, Jesus Christ.
I'm not excited.
Seahawks, Eagles is going to be fun.
Eagles will fuck up.
Seahawks will make some amazing plays.
And then Eagle fans will get mad.
So, I mean, there's your entertainment right there.
I would think.
I will be rooting for the Eagles.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I like Seattle.
Somehow, all of a sudden, I've become a fucking Seahawk fan.
So, anyway, you know what's hilarious?
The fucking Washington Redskins are in first place.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
The team from Washington.
Now, am I in trouble?
Because I said the name that they were called for fucking my whole life up
until a month ago, two months ago, three months ago.
I don't know.
It would be great if they actually fucking won.
If they win the Super Bowl.
The team from Washington wins the Super Bowl.
Well, I was going to say then it would be like, Earl, because you finally
addressed the fact that your name was fucked up.
That the football gods forgave you.
But it's like, wait, they won three Super Bowls beforehand.
Look at that fucking cheeseburger.
Sorry, I got a, I got the TV on in the background.
It never looks like that.
I know people have joked about that a million times, but Jesus Christ, that was
a pristine looking burger.
Did you guys watch the fight this weekend?
Did you watch Roy Jones versus Mike Tyson?
I was very happy with that and very satisfied with, you know, dropping the
money on that.
I thought it was great that I looked like Mike in the end was going easy on Roy
Jones.
Like he was sort of throwing combinations to his chest where, you know, he
could have gone upstairs and he didn't.
I don't, I don't want to see a 51 year old guy get his fucking brain knocked
around again.
I thought, you know, Mike came in in great shape and for an exhibition, which
is what it was billed as.
I was more than satisfied.
I felt really bad for Nate Robinson.
The way ev