Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-20
Uploaded: 2020-12-21T22:31:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-21. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-20

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday!
Monday!
Hi!
Monday, December 21st, 2020. What's going on? How are ya?
Oh, Jimmy Crack Corn. That's not a Christmas song. I don't need to sing a
Christmas song.
Here we go. I'm throwing my left fist out here, trying to think of one, a good
one.
Oh, I'm the king of the swingers, king of the swingers, now the jungle VIP.
All I got is kid songs in my head.
I've reached the top and had to stop, and that's what's bothering me.
I want to be a man, man cub, and stroll right into town and be just like the
other men.
I'm tired of my...
Oh, what do we do?
I want to... Sorry.
Merry Christmas, everybody. That's what I'm trying to say.
Happy Hanukkah, post-Hanukkah to all the Jewish people listening there.
Happy Kwanzaa.
And what do they do in the Muslim world this time of year?
You got to have a guy. Everybody's got a guy.
Everybody's got a guy.
What do you guys light up and put on your front yards there?
Muslim...
I almost wrote Muslim Christmas, and I would have got put on a hit list.
Oh, it comes up.
Fuck.
Let's see what we got here.
The five pillars of Islam.
Okay.
Find resources of teaching.
Islamic holidays.
Bam.
Let's see what they got in December.
Key dates.
April, May, July, August.
August.
Oh, so August.
All right.
Well, then, happy post-10th Maharam.
There we go.
I covered everybody, I think.
Okay.
There we go.
All right.
How are you guys doing there?
I know this podcast is a little bit late.
You know, had some family things I had to deal with before I got into this
whole thing.
Let's talk football right out of the gallon.
Wait.
Let's talk about all the shopping I have left to do.
I thought I was done, and then, you know, I got a couple nieces and nephews
that are a little bit older.
I didn't know what was going to be going on with them, and all of a sudden, you
know,
their families are sending my kids gifts, and I'm like, oh, shit.
Oh, snap.
Caught with my pants down here, so I got to go run out to Guitar Center to go
buy some shit.
Giving the gift of music.
Fortunately, my nieces and nephews, there's a lot of people that play.
You know, a couple guitar players, some drummers, piano players, and all of
that type of stuff.
That's really cool.
I mean, I guess with the younger kids, I should probably get them a yap, a
laptop, right?
Get them a fucking laptop with some, you know, owl head or something.
You put that on.
You know?
Oh, shit.
Right?
Right as the molly kicks in.
That really is the perfect music, I feel like, for this generation.
If you see what's going on in the world, I mean, that's a good soundtrack.
That's what everybody sounds like when they're talking.
You know?
I feel like we're reaching the end of days.
Oh, come on, Bill.
It's the holidays.
All right.
All right.
Well, it's fucking 80 degrees out here.
That's even hot for out here.
Are we going to have to change the story of Santa as global warming gets crazier
and crazier?
What's it going to be?
What does Rudolph become?
No more reindeer, right?
They probably got to switch to, fuck, we're going to be some sort of reptile.
I can't have a reptile.
They're not cute.
They're just not cute.
Oh, speaking of which, speaking of which, speaking of Jewish people.
Let me make sure I got this right.
Jerusalem bug.
Jerusalem cricket.
I had one of these in my fucking garage.
Holy shit.
You got to see this thing.
It has.
And what's weird is it has nothing to do with the Middle East, Israel or
anything, but it's
called the Jerusalem cricket.
This fucking thing died in my garage.
I came in and it looked like.
Like an ant and a hornet had a kid.
And that kid did PEDs, you know, and made it to the show and then got busted.
And then its whole life fucking unraveled.
And then it just died in my garage.
I think that was the 30 for 30 on this this bug.
I was afraid to touch it because I couldn't tell if it was alive or not.
And it had a pretty, I don't know, it had those stripes on the back like it
could sting
you and it had some fangs and shit.
But I'm not going to lie to you, man.
That thing is the thing is a meal.
Like if I was a political prisoner or something and they were starving me of
protein and a
Jerusalem cricket came in, I think I'd be less afraid.
It's got to be hard, man.
You know, when you're eating bugs, you can't totally smash the thing because
then you got
to lick it off the wall.
Then I kind of feel like it's like I'm eating a bug is like eating an artichoke.
You know, it's not all edible.
You got to kind of get this stuff.
I'm sorry.
What am I doing with this?
That's what I feel like it is, right?
Anyway, plowing ahead here.
You know, I finally listened to a little bit of that Tom Cruise rant and I just,
I don't
understand the shit that the guy's getting for it.
Okay.
It's like, you know what the deal is?
You're on a movie set, be a fucking professional.
And you could tell by the way he was yelling.
That was probably the 9,000th fucking time he had to tell some dumb cunt to
stop being a
dumb cunt.
All right.
You know, on any movie, if you shut it down for a day or two, like the movie is
immediately
in trouble.
Forget about when you're doing a movie at his level where the fucking budget is
like, you
know, nine figures.
And your dumb ass wants to go play fucking grab ass with somebody else.
Yeah.
Tom Cruise is going to snap.
It's called being a professional.
And these fucking pussies that are quitting the movie.
I was just joking with my friends going like, how do we went from Bobby Knight
to this?
Now, Bobby, Bobby would get a little sideways.
I'm not saying I approved of everything that the guy did, but you know, this
whole fucking
thing, he yelled at me.
It was upsetting.
It's just like, you're on a movie set.
People are going to get yelled at.
Somebody's going to fucking snap.
It's not normal to be working 16 hour fucking days every single day, five, six
days a week
for months on end.
People are going to snap.
Okay.
Since I've been in this business, I've heard, that's all you hear about is
people fucking snap.
I've had people snap on me, get right in my grill, fucking screaming a bunch of
shit at
me.
And then the next day they come.
Yes.
Sorry about that.
It's like, dude, I get it.
I get it.
We all want to be here.
We all want to do this, but this on certain days, it sucks.
And you start losing your fucking mind.
Totally normal behavior, but, but as always, they go after the quarterback like
they're
doing with the Los Angeles Rams right now.
For some reason, they're blaming that whole loss on Jared Goff.
At least they were on a good morning football.
I was watching that this morning.
I like that show.
Um, and God damn, they would destroy it.
First of all, they didn't, they barely gave the Jets props for winning the game.
By the way, as a Pats fan, congratulations, Jets fans, J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
I'm too stupid to spell it.
Um, yeah.
I don't want to see anybody go, oh, in 16.
I was rooting for the Browns that year, for the Lions that year to get a win.
Nobody wants to see that.
If you want to see that, you're a fucking asshole.
You know what you are?
You know what you are?
You're the 72 Dolphins.
That's who the fuck you are.
Every year, rooting for teams to fail.
I think that's why the Dolphins have never won again.
Because of those smug cunts every year, toasting a glass.
Yeah, nobody did.
No one ever should ever do it again but us.
You know what that's like?
That's like a dad rooting against his son.
Because he's not secure enough to fucking handle.
I don't understand that at all.
And every year, they have to go to those fucking guys.
You know, maybe it's not their fault.
Maybe it's because the media is talking about it or whatever.
But, like, I love that team.
I love all of those guys.
Zonka, Kick, Bob Greasy, Paul Warfield, Mercury Morris, Don Shuler.
Rest his soul.
Who was on defense on that one?
Oh, Nick Bonacani.
Rest his soul.
I like all of those fucking guys.
Was Jake Scott on that team?
I like all of those guys.
All right?
But, like, this whole fucking thing where, you know,
like, is that the history of the Dolphins?
So they're never going to win again and all they're going to do
is celebrate that nobody,
even though somebody wins a Super Bowl every fucking year,
because they have one or two losses,
the 72 Dolphins are still the greatest team of all time.
Like, that's what you're going to hang your hat on?
You've been doing it for almost 50 fucking years.
I would have to think as a Dolphin fan, you'd like to move beyond that.
You know?
I mean, Dolphin fans, they're like Knick fans.
Knicks won it in 70 and 73.
They've never shut up about those fucking teams because they got nothing else.
And I'm not being a dick here.
I have two of my best friends in the world are fucking the most hardcore Knick
fans ever.
And every year, come the draft, I'm rooting that they're going to pick the
right guy.
I was hoping Durant was going to go to the Knicks.
I'm not being a dick here.
And by the way, Jesus Christ, he went to the Brooklyn Nets.
And I caught a little bit of the game.
They were putting a fucking ass kicking on my Celtics.
They were up by, like, almost 30 points at the half or something.
25, 30 points.
Immediately missed Tommy Heinsohn.
Rest his soul, man.
Really, really going to miss that guy in the broadcast booth.
Just listening to him getting on the refs and everything sucks.
But it is what life is.
People die.
You got to move on.
This isn't even for you guys.
This is for me.
All right.
What else?
Can you believe basketball is already back?
Oh, that's right.
It's not a man's game anymore.
I'm sorry.
I think I already did that joke on this podcast.
It's one of my favorite things.
He's going to dunk.
Everybody clear out so you don't end up on Instagram.
You used to have to be a man to dunk in this fucking league.
Going into the trees is what they used to say.
So, anyway, congratulations to the New York Jets.
I was actually watching a great game, Kansas City Chiefs versus the New Orleans
Saints.
For some reason, the game started later, like 1.30 out here.
So, me and my buddy clicked over and we started watching the Rams and Jets.
You know, we were kind of watching on the ticker.
And I was like, come on, man.
I want to see the Jets win one.
I don't want to see them go winless.
So, when we clicked over, like, we never went back to the other game.
We just sat there watching it.
The great Frank Gore making some veteran plays.
It was a big win.
And then, for some reason, they all came down on good morning football today.
I didn't get it.
I get, you know, trashing the Rams for losing.
And they needed it.
You know, to stay in the playoff picture or whatever.
But, like, you know, to put it all on the quarterback.
I mean, I don't get that.
You win and lose as a fucking team.
And then they're getting on him like he's making all this fucking money.
And I looked the guy up.
He's, like, 11th in the league.
Almost top 10.
Going to throw for 4,000 fucking yards.
You know, he's got 20 touchdowns, 12 interceptions.
All right.
You'd like to see maybe a bigger spread there.
But, I mean, who's he throwing to?
He seems to be doing it.
If I had to look at those stats and then at their record,
maybe they could score some more points in the red zone.
I have no idea.
But I wouldn't put the whole fucking thing on him.
And I would also give the Jets the goddamn due.
They won a game.
Good for them.
I also watched a little bit of the Packers this week.
And my apologies to Aaron Rodgers.
I'm sitting there talking about Russell Wilson.
You know, I think he's the best guy in the league.
I just wasn't paying attention to the Packers for whatever reason.
First of all, there's, like, fucking 50 teams now.
20 divisions.
And I got two kids under the age of 4.
So, I'm a little off here.
I mean, I was always off.
But I had no excuse.
Before, I was just dumb.
Aaron Rodgers.
Before the game yesterday or whatever, whenever they played.
Can't remembe