Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-25-20
Uploaded: 2020-12-27T10:36:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-25-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-25-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-25-20

Oh, welcome to the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning
podcast.
I hope all you cunts are well.
I'm lying here in my office doing this shit.
Because I decided to start a fucking podcast on Thursdays.
How are you, everybody?
What's going on, man?
What's going on?
It's Christmas Eve.
Oh, it's the holiday season.
Scooby-dooby-doo.
I hope all you guys are having a very Merry Christmas.
I hope you enjoyed your Kwanzaa.
Jewish people, I hope you got your Chinese food lined up for tomorrow.
My wife, she decided that, you know, we were going to order a Christmas dinner,
right?
Because what would women be doing if they weren't spending fucking money, right?
You know, it's like, or we could just cook the fucking meat we have in the
freezer.
No, I just was kind of in the mood.
So she goes and orders.
Orders?
The only thing that can orders around here is bulls.
Frank.
So she orders this fucking Christmas meal.
So they had the Christian meal and then they had the Jewish meal.
But all the Christian meals were gone.
So now we're having a Jewish meal.
We're having Chinese food on Christmas.
So I guess, you know, I don't know what.
I guess I've been in Hollywood too long.
So we're going to see, Jewish people, we're going to see what this is all about.
I'm kind of excited about it.
You know, you know, you got to love Chinese food, right?
You eat it and 10 minutes later, you're hungry again.
You go back and eat it again.
You're hungry again.
You know why?
Because there's no nutrition in it.
All right?
There's no nutrition in it.
The Chinese food in China has nutrition.
But the Chinese food here does not, I feel, unless they're feeding it to other
Chinese people.
Because, hey, man, they're trying to take us out.
You know, the whole China virus and the Chinese food doesn't fill you up, poisons
you.
I'm telling you, man, it's a thing.
I'm fucking with you.
I was talking to a buddy of mine who just, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
He went, he went, he went, he went.
Hey, by the way, any Chinese people listening out here who live in Los Angeles?
This is what I want to know.
Where do you get, where do you go to get your food?
Okay?
And if you don't want to tell me because you don't want to ruin it by having
some orange gingered
cunt like me showing up to your spot, I totally respect that.
All right?
But if you're a little more open, a little more progressive, and you want to
tell me where
it is, I would also, well, why don't you give me your third choice?
You don't have to give me your first choice.
All right?
Just, just help a round eye out over here.
Anywho, the fuck was I talking about?
Oh, one of my buddies.
Oh, let me tell you.
Let me tell you.
Remember when I was totally, if you're a longtime fan of this, remember when I
was really into
conspiracy theory?
I still believe all of that shit.
I just don't pay attention to it anymore.
I get it.
I get it.
It's illegal for me to start a Ponzi scheme, but the Federal Reserve, that's
okay.
We can protect that with, you know, dead babies and all kinds of other, they
don't give a fuck.
Right?
I get all of that.
Okay?
I get that the pharmaceutical companies right now, they're not all about trying
to cure people.
Okay?
I think the people working on it are, but the people up at the top, the green
people.
All right?
The green people up there.
And I don't mean they're into the environment.
All right?
They're into dollars to roll up, snort a fucking line out of some hooker's ass.
That's what they're into.
That's what they're into.
All right?
While they wear some sort of shirt with their fucking initials sewed into the
cuff.
I'm talking about those cunts.
All right?
They want to be the ones that have it.
They want to be the only ones that have it.
And they want to, I guarantee you, they want to charge out the fucking ass for
it.
This is the big thing.
They're not trying to save people's lives.
They are trying to make a fuckload of money so they can blow lines out of some
hooker's ass.
Okay?
And if you think she's getting the vaccine after she lets them do that, yeah,
you got another thing coming.
All right?
So anyways, my buddy is real.
Okay, I'm into all of that shit.
I believe all of that shit, but I don't torture people with it.
Okay?
I just accepted that human beings, we are imperfect.
Myself is at the top of that list.
And we're doing the best we can.
All right?
And the reality is, is most people can't keep secrets.
Can't keep their fucking yaps shut.
So the government has to have their secrets.
All right?
And, you know, you got sociopaths in every country, usually in positions of
power.
And they don't give a fuck about other human beings.
So, you know, it's a dirty game.
It's like the NBA in the fucking 90s when the Knicks had that fucking, you know,
the Broad Street bully team, which I loved.
I loved.
Back in the day where you had to be a man to dunk a basketball in the NBA, you
had to go into the trees.
It was like Predator.
I see him over there in them trees, shaving your fucking head with a dry razor.
That was the NBA that I grew up on.
Okay?
Not this fucking hanging out on a yacht with all the stars around the league
and you guys all fucking jump on the same team like those, you know, and you
come out.
And they introduce you like those chicks at fucking Radio City Music Hall and
then you go out and you trounce the fucking league because nobody has any
talent left.
I'm not talking about that league.
That's not the league I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the NBA right up until they flipped out because the Indiana
Pacers beat the shit out of some people in the crowd that deserved an ass
kicking.
All right?
And those white people who sat in that fucking crowd and who accidentally got
punched have a lot of fucking nerve getting upset with who punched them
considering they live in that fucking state and they look the other way with
all those fucking Klan members.
All right?
So somebody was going to have to take a fucking knuckle sandwich for it.
All right?
And that's what you get for bumping up your seats.
Do you imagine if that happened that night?
You know that when they do that with some sad sack, they take them from the
upper deck?
We're going to bring it down courtside, right?
They're like, oh, my God, stuff like this never happens to me.
There is a Santa Claus.
And then they bring them all the way down.
And next thing you know, Metta World Peace is fucking swinging at your goddamn
melon.
I mean, that's when the league was exciting.
Okay?
And I got to tell you something.
All the bitching that people did at the same time, okay?
If you're fucking into wrestling, you got to love that they went into the crowd.
If you like hockey, you got to love that they went into the crowd.
I know this is old shit.
Speaking of which, I watched the fucking – I'll talk about my conspiracy
theory friend here in a minute.
I watched the Celtics-Bucks game.
Great game.
Absolutely atrocious call at the end of the game.
Thank God for fucking instant replay.
It was just like, Jesus Christ.
They got another mobbed up ref out here?
What the fuck are you talking about here?
Plus, I had the Celtics getting four.
You know what I mean?
And I was just like, I need this game to end in regulation right now.
All right?
That's what the fuck I need.
If this goes into overtime, I got a feeling I'm going to lose this bet, right?
So I had the Celtics.
So anyway, the fuck was I talking about?
I was talking about bringing people down.
I literally just – I'd have to go back and listen.
What the fuck was I just talking about?
God damn it.
All right.
I hate when people do this to me, especially on radio shows, and you can't
fucking call in.
Remind me, and I'll finish.
Where the fuck was I going with that?
I was talking about the NBA.
Coffee used to be Predator.
Sad sack coming down from the upper deck.
Ah, shit, guys.
It's gone.
I don't want to tell you.
It's just fucking gone.
I was watching that game.
I won the fucking bread.
Yeah, it's gone.
Just like that.
Just like that, you know?
Just like your friend when you were a kid.
You know?
You played every day, and then just one day, a moving band showed up, and you
never saw him again.
And it was the 70s, and your parents never let you deal with that emotion.
So years later, you know?
You're sitting on some busted leather couch in a fucking green room in some
chuckle hut.
Waiting to do a third show on a Saturday night in front of 18 people.
Trying to figure out how the fuck he ended up there.
Sorry.
I'll remember later.
All right.
So my conspiracy theory friend was texting me, and he was showing me this
fucking article
about, you know, all the ways the government has fucked this thing up, and, you
know,
and fucking over the small business man, and all this type of shit.
And I'm just like, yeah, no, yeah, no.
They could have done a better job.
We all could have done a better job, including people who don't wear masks and
just stand
six feet apart from people.
I don't think that's such a big ask when you get a flat screen TV, and your
clothes are
all made in a sweatshop by crying children.
I think you can put on a fucking mask and just, and he writes back, masks don't
work.
And I just write, all right, buddy, good night.
I'll talk to you later.
Because I don't want to argue with people about this shit.
And then he goes, this whole thing was perfectly set off by China.
And I can tell you something, dude.
That's what's wrong with the fucking internet right there.
Okay.
Somebody needs to regulate this shit because this guy is absolutely convinced.
You go on a fucking laptop and you watch a video and they put music underneath
it.
People just fucking believe it.
They believe every fucking goddamn thing that they're looking at.
And it's like, you got fucking people now.
They think the fucking world is flat.
It's a bunch of stupid cunts going to get in a boat and sail.
Not sail.
What do you call it when you fucking turn on the motor?
Cruise.
A fucking cruise.
Down to Antarctica to go look at the fucking ice wall.
They think there's an ice wall there.
There's a wall of ice holding back the oceans of the world.
But the government, he's like, what is, what is the benefit of people thinking
it's round when it's really flat?
What does anybody gain out of that?
Or do they just want to be right?
I don't know what it is.
But anyway, like this fucking guy is not a doctor and he doesn't work for the
CIA.
So it's like, dude, I'm not listening to you.
OK.
Now, if you if you tell me I got a friend who works in the CIA and he's telling
me that China started this shit on purpose, then I got to sit there and I got
to read your body language.
Is this guy just saying this shit?
So I'll believe it.
Or does he really have a friend?
And how good is that agent that not only did he spill the beans to this jerk
off that he spilt the beans to some jerk off who can't keep his fucking mouth
shut?
What if this was a test of this guy and he just failed it and I'm going to get
whacked with him because I'm sitting here at a fucking taco stand as he's
telling me this shit.
So I just say good night.
I don't I don't want to be I don't want to be a part of I don't be privy to any
of that shit.
So anyway, like I said, the goddamn vaccine is coming.
All right.
I will take it.
And if I no longer make fun of the standing president, which I'm going to have
a ball with Joe Biden.
I had a great time with Donald Trump.
I had a great time with fucking Obama.
George Bush.
And Clinton.
I mean, that was just back to back comedy gold, you know.
And then I don't know.
Obama was all right.
His wife was funnier.
And then and Trump was just I mean, the guy was just he was prolific, fucking
prolific.
And then I got a feeling Joe Biden and his nitwit that he's with is going to be
even better.
That's what I'm thinking.
Anyway.
Let me plow ahead here.
So.
For my.
My daughter has been asking for a bicycle.
For Christmas.
All right.
And there's no way she's not getting one.
All right.
If she.
Ask