Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-20
Uploaded: 2020-12-28T23:04:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-28. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
uh december 28th 2020 what's going on hawaii it's the last monday of the
fucking 2020
oh sorry hey um you know there's a lot of people right now saying you know
talking a lot of shit
about 2020 you know thank god it's fucking years over um if you think that the
beginning of january
is going to be any better than the end of december just because the number went
from 20 to 21 you're
sadly mistaken all right it's not about years okay it's not about years
um i don't know what it's about i don't know i think next year is going to be
fucking amazing though
i really do i just i want to see how this whole thing plays out okay so we got
dum-dum is leaving
office and now we have a dude who i think has dementia a warmonger with
dementia is coming in
and they're both liberal larry's but for some reason they love people keeping
people of color
in prison i don't know what non-violent in prison so this is going to be a
really weird year
um we're going to see and then the vaccine's coming out and then you got all
these people
that are going to take it and then people say don't take it and then it's going
to be all this
amazing misinformation presented as fact it's going to be on the internet um i
don't know all i know
is my doctor took it so you know i mean how big is this conspiracy it's that
big that even doctors
are in on it that that i can go see not like the uh the bilderberg group
doctors
you know the ones that keep dick cheney alive
it's all the way down to my doctor that i can just call him up yeah come on
down tuesday
i'll take a look at your ticker
um we shall see um oh billy salad face
oh billy salad face been crushing it
oh billy head of lettuce oh that was a weird burp did you hear that
that's that one where you're like inhaling and you still burp
so it like goes off inside inside your body
you know like when one of those maniacs in the military finds a bomb
and they put that thing around it and they get it to go up we get it bill we
get it we also burp
um anyway uh it's raining out here it never rains in california
remember that song but boy don't they warn you it pours man it pours
yeah i went outside and uh i did some dad shit
i went out and i stood in the driveway you know
legs spread apart like a state trooper
arms crossed just watching the water coming down the driveway making sure it's
going down the drains
clearing out the leaves and all of that shit
um this is an amazing time of year out here in la is it rains
a lot and uh all of la gets is green is like
you know portland oregon or seattle
it's amazing and it lasts for about two and a half weeks
and that's when they take all the pictures
for tourists to come to la
you know because it gets all green the rain knocks all the all the
dust all the dirt all the smog out of the air
it's crystal clear and then they take that picture of downtown la
with mount the snow-capped mount baldy in the background
and i used to look at that all the time going where the fuck is that
mountain i've never seen a snow-capped mountain out here
in la ever it's this time of year that's when they do it
there's like a fucking it's like a lunar eclipse you know what happens like
once a
year doesn't it because now it happens for all you space
people out there all you people into outer space
what's wrong with down here man huh what are you running from
all you nerds looking through your telescope huh
maybe they'd like me out there
um
i'm fucking with you
um yeah so i am committed to having a salad a day
in um in 2021 i'm just gonna be crushing that and i'm telling you all you got
to do is you just
gotta have your toppings all set up make your chicken cube it stick it in your
tupperware
all right cube your beach you fucking cube everything cucumbers tomatoes the
whole fucking thing you get those little cherry tomatoes a little fucking round
ones and you just have it ready to go
you're washing chop up your lettuce rinse it off wash it put it in the fucking
thing
right dry it off and it's just ready to go
so when your brain's going hey man like why don't we have something like
fucking yummy man
we've been good right you can quickly put together a salad and eat that and
beat down that fucking
thing that wants you to go eat a cookie or some shit or maybe i'm just talking
about myself maybe you guys don't have a problem
huh
maybe you went out and you bought that new fucking full-length mirror gym thing
have you seen that dumb ass thing that stupid ass fucking thing
how fucking dumb are people who are gonna buy that thing
it's a full-length like skinny flat-screen tv
with a personal trainer because you're too much of a fucking pussy
to motivate yourself i can't do it alone
i need somebody talking to me
all of these fucking jerk-offs
haven't you learned anything with your fucking flat-screen tv
you go down to best buy
and that fucking geek squad douche talks you in to get oh man this thing's
gonna crush it at the super bowl
your super bowl party everybody's gonna love it
bah bah bah bah bah it is so fucking clear
and three years later
three years later you can't hook anything up to it because it's completely 100%
obsolete
all of those fucking things
all of those fucking full-length
fucking whatever you call those goddamn things
mirror mirror on the wall gym things
right
those things are all gonna be in the ocean
every fucking one of them within five years
because then they're gonna have the next one
oh my god
have you gotten the new mirror mirror on the wall gym
this one's horizontal
oh yeah
and i can hook my fucking you know
my blender up to it
be making a smoothie as i'm doing my last reps
who's your favorite virtual trainer
the fuck so you can't just go do some burpees
all you all you really need
is a yoga mat
a prison workout
and then if you eat right
you don't need all of that shit
all right
but everybody wants the pizza
everybody wants the cookies
and the fucking shakes
and then you lie to yourself
going like oh i burned it off
oh did you
do you know how long you got to be on a fucking elliptical
to burn off an oreo cookie shake
okay
and don't fuck with me
because i live this
i live this every week
do you know what an elliptical really is
it's just
it's just a
it's just something that wears out your joints
at the end of the day
you know in the short run
you know you're burning calories
and blah blah blah
but in the long run
all it's doing is
like the people who make that
i bet also have degrees
in like knee and hip replacements
or no people
they got a piece of that action
because the reality is
is if you just ate right
and you went for a fucking walk
and you did some push-ups
and some sit-ups
right
some other bullshit
wouldn't you be fine
do you really need some fucking
i don't know
space 1999 shit
whatever the fuck
jesus christ
that's like 20 years old now
remember that show in the 70s
like can you imagine 1999
cars flying
can you imagine that
i like when people bitch about that
where are all the flying cars
oh yeah
well
people are too stupid
to fucking
you can't give people flying cars
they crashed the ones on the ground
you want them up in the air
by the way
that jerk off out here
in his jet pack
has been
him or her
has been going up again
unfucking believable
that person should get
fucking 20 years
in jail for that
considering like a flock
of birds
took down
sully's airplane
can you imagine
what a human being
in a jet pack
would do
if he fucking went
into the engine
of a goddamn airplane
i guess you'd need
two of them right
to knock out both engines
but whatever
he could take fucking
do such significant damage
to one of the wings
he could kill 600 people
on the way out here
600 fatties
with a fucking mirror
mirror on the wall
what is the name
of that fucking gym
um
don't buy that fucking thing
that thing is going to be
this shit
for about three months
and knowing most people
then you're not going to use it
you're going to start using it
as an actual mirror
to look into
to see how fat you're getting
and then how do you
throw it out
where do you put it
it's not going to help you
none of that shit
they got all of that
it's all like the big thing now
he's fucking
they got that peloton bike
you start riding
the tour de france
i'm in a bike race
right in my living room
you know they make bicycles
he's getting on a bicycle
and riding down the street
and you know what
i've had the same bicycle
since 1982
i still have it
and it still fucking works
i can tell you something
about those peloton bikes
they're all going to be
in the fucking ocean
all of them in the ocean
within five years
it's not compatible anymore
your bicycle isn't compatible
your fucking legs
are still shaped
the way they're shaped
right
yeah i know
but the screen
it won't load
it's just you know
it's a different
uh you know
it's just a 4g screen
now you know
they're up to 7g
and it's just like
you know
my virtual trainer's face
is all pixelated
go for a hike
you dumb cunt
alright
or don't
or get all of this shit
i know i'm gonna get
a bunch of shit
i mean oh my god
there's a dolphin fan
that oh my god
i pissed off a dolphin fan
i can't believe it
i can't believe he took time out
from fucking dealing coke
in miami
to fucking send me an email
i feel very privileged
um
all right
let's plow ahead here
no but seriously
if you want to get
the little gym on the wall
if you think that
that's the one
that's going to get you
your abs
while you continue
see i like to work out
so i can eat anything i want
i love when people say that
myself included
i mean who's getting who
if you're working out
and you eat anything you want
you won't be as fat
as if you weren't working out
and you ate whatever you want
but at the end of the day
the end of the fucking day
no matter how much you stand
in front of that fucking mirror
and do your dumb ass
fucking workout
like you buy
you just go to 7-eleven
and get one of those
little six packs
of fucking oreo cookies
you just fucking negated
all the calories
you burnt
that's the problem
the problem is
is you can eat cookies
way faster
than you can burn calories
right
and you're telling me
there's a god out there
that cares
that's what you're telling me
um
sorry
anyway
plowing ahead here
i watched uh
i watched
thank you to everybody
that suggested all those
cool ass french movies
i've started to watch them
i watched
le diabolique
uh le diabolique
miss you
um
i watched that
great fucking movie
i enjoyed it
1955
watch the original
there is a remake
in anglais
um
on anglais
uh
1996 i think
with sharon stone
sharon stone
who got fucked
out of an oscar
should have won one
in casino
i don't know
i don't know
who won that year
but the fact
that she didn't win
it was ridiculous
i still think
you know
i don't know
because she showed
her uh
little hoo-ha
there
in the previous movie
i think she got punished
that's the only reason
why i can see
why she didn't win
the fucking oscar
for that
um
anyway
plowing ahead
so i watched that movie
i've been sticking
with my french
and now i've gotten
to the point
where like
they're speaking
rapidly
as long as
they're speaking
french words
that i know
i can
i can like
understand
not like word for word
but it's kind of exciting
i've been sticking
with that uh
duo lingo
for 166 days
i know it's not the same
as going over there
and being completely
immersed in it
but you know
whatever
i'm trying
i'm trying
whatever
let's talk football
everybody
the jets
versus the browns
that's the game
i watched
because
i wanted to see
the browns
make the playoffs
i think it's
fucking really cool
that they're
they're finally good
you know
and after all
of these years
and baker mayfield
has led them
to 10 victories
when was the last time
any quarterback
in cleveland
got 10 victories
i have no fucking
idea but i'm
i'm gonna say
it's i don't think
it's happened
since
the ravens
were in cleveland
the originals
the original
cleveland browns
right
um
so basically
the backgroun