Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-4-21
Uploaded: 2021-01-04T20:30:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-4-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-4-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-4-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 4th, 2021.
Hey, happy new year to you, for you're a jolly good fellow and you over in the
corner.
Hey, it's 2021, everybody. We made it through 2020. You know, doesn't it feel
different? Doesn't it feel so much different?
I can just feel that this is going to be a better year.
All right, we shall see. A lot of funny shit. A lot of funny shit happened this
week.
All those fucking idiots out there in Atlanta. Fucking going out on New Year's
Eve.
Going out on New Year's Eve. And all of these cunts who are yelling at the
government,
going, look at what they're doing to small businesses.
Where are they when they see these fucking idiots walking around, not socially
distancing?
Like, it's New Year's Eve. I'm an American.
What are they going to take away next? Easter?
Jesus Christ.
This whole fucking pandemic and people working together has been an abject
failure.
I don't even know how to spell that word. I don't even know if I'm saying it
right.
I just know when something really fails, this is when you use this expression.
This is what it's been.
The problem has fucking been,
we are only as good as the dumbest motherfucker out here.
That's it. All it takes is one dumb-dumb.
So I'm starting a new fucking,
a new, uh, uh, whatever.
Section? Is that what you call it?
A new idea. New segment. There we go.
A new segment. I'm calling other people dumb and I can't remember the word
segment.
Uh, we got a new one.
Commenter of the week.
Just the level of dumb shit that you read.
This was the best one.
So there was some video, right,
of this arrogant asshole in a store and he's not going to wear a mask.
And the guy's like fucking 60.
He's got a ponytail, you know, so he's a rebel man, right?
And I don't mean he's like a biker ponytail.
You know, like somebody with some bodies and some sexual assault in his
background.
This is just some fucking guy who never cut his hair and felt like that was his
big rebellion
against capitalism and whatever, right?
So I'm judging him. Of course I'm judging him, right?
So he's fucking just sitting there going,
you're too young to understand.
This is what the Nazis did.
This is what, that's what the Nazis did?
This is what the Nazis did.
Telling people to wear masks so they won't get sick.
Trying to save lives.
That's what the Nazis did?
That's not what the Nazis did.
They branded a segment of people, not all the people, a segment of the people.
Then they gradually worked them out of the population and exterminated them.
That's what they did.
They didn't say, hey, everybody, if you can, please try to stay six feet away.
Please, you have to wear a mask when you're in a store.
Could you please do that?
I know it's hard with surround sound and a flat screen TV to walk out of your
house
and put on a fucking mask that some poor bastard who works in a sweatshop makes
30 cents a month fucking made.
It's so fucking hard to put that thing on, right?
So anyway, so people, you know, rational people are like, dude, just put on a
fucking mask.
Put on a mask, buy your dumb aspirin or another band for your stupid fucking
ponytail.
You're so goddamn old, your hair, you know, when you get so old, your hair
looks like shredded wheat.
Just hasn't seen conditioner since, I don't know, Herbert Hoover, right?
So everybody's saying, you know, wear a mask.
And then all of these fucking, you know, hey, man, I know, I really know what's
going on in the world.
People start commenting.
And this is what, this was my favorite one.
Everyone was going like, oh, you're a sheep.
You're this, you're that.
You're a globalist.
Yeah, you know, stay asleep.
You know, like these fucking people know shit, right?
It's comment of the week.
Somebody goes, all you have to do to know what's going on is watch that movie V
for Vendetta.
That's all I have to do.
That's amazing.
I thought I would have to have a friend in the CIA who, for some reason, has a
couple of Shirley Temples and gets a little loose-lipped.
And then maybe then, maybe then I could find out what was going on.
Evidently, I don't need friends in that level of high places who can't keep
their fucking mouth shut.
I just have to watch a Hollywood movie called V for Vendetta.
And these are the same fucking people that say Hollywood, you know, everybody
out here, a bunch of pedophiles drinking baby blood and all of that shit.
But at the same time, if you make a conspiracy theorist fucking movie that
lines up with their dumbass shit,
all you have to do is watch V for Vendetta.
I didn't know that.
And I got to tell you, this has been one of the most frustrating, confusing
fucking periods of the year.
And I don't know what streaming service has V for Vendetta, but I'm going to
watch it so I understand what's going on.
I got it.
So I don't listen to doctors.
I watch a Hollywood movie.
Yeah, some of the commenters, Jesus Christ.
I saw this thing on, was it Gloria Vanderbilt?
Anderson Cooper's mother, right?
And I didn't, I didn't know the whole backstory.
I just knew, oh, he was, you know, I'm like Anderson Cooper, the fucking little
rich kid, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Doing the usual bullshit, right?
I didn't realize that her son, I can't remember if I talked about this on the
podcast yet.
Her son, Anderson Cooper, had a brother and the kid, unfortunately, committed
suicide, jumped from the 14th floor of their apartment building in front of
their mother.
And immediately, I was just like, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
How do you, how do you ever get past that and all of this stuff?
Did I talk about this?
I can't remember.
Whatever.
I'll talk about it again in case you missed the last podcast.
So, in the comment sections, right?
The fucking level of meanness, they go in like, you can tell that she was a
devil worshiper.
You can tell by the picture behind her.
Talking about why Anderson Cooper is gay going, you know, that's what happened
to your breastfeed kids too long.
Because she was a devil worshiper.
This is why her kid killed himself.
And then in all of that fucking astoundingly mean, horrific shit, they're
writing also, these people need Jesus in their life.
And I'm just sitting there like, this is my problem with a higher power.
Or at least our theory on the higher power that he made us in his image.
And he's going to judge us and all that.
And it's just like, anybody out there religious, how do you justify that level
of mean and just ignorance?
Like, is it just always the devil?
No, because they actually have the devil.
At what point do you look at God and be like, dude, really?
Like, you made this.
You made these fucking idiots and now you're going to fucking judge them?
It's your work.
How about taking a little responsibility?
Anyway, so, I don't know.
And, you know, conversely, on the other side, with this whole blaming the
government for everything,
I'm not even going to sit here for half a second and not entertain the fact
that right now,
because that there's allegedly this vaccine out there that's going to work,
that pharmaceutical companies are not angling and elbowing and bribing fucking
politicians and everything
for, you know, to be the ones that put it out, to fucking price gouge, you know,
how they're going to give it out, who they're going to give it out to.
Like, there's not a bunch of fuckery going on.
Of course there is.
Of course there is.
So, I just want to reestablish my point here.
My point is, I can't listen to people who are only blaming the government in
this
and not looking at fucking idiots in Atlanta all going out to the club and shit,
not wearing masks, all going in because they want to go out and get dressed up
and this is my New Year's, this is my right as an American.
That bullshit.
What has really fucked us on all of this, I think, is we haven't put together a
winning streak.
All right?
We can't even get a three-game winning streak because people get all fucking,
you know,
they just, I don't know what it is.
They watch V for Vendetta and they watch that movie and they listen to that
and they don't listen to doctors.
So, I don't know.
Whatever.
And then there was a great Donald Trump fucking clip of him talking to another
Republican
saying, I need to find these votes.
And wasn't there tampering with the machines?
No, we haven't found that.
I mean, inside, inside the machine and all of this shit.
And just watching people still denying.
And I'm not even saying that Joe Biden would not do something like this.
He absolutely fucking would.
Absolutely would.
Okay?
You can't trust an 80-year-old guy with a facelift.
You just can't.
You cannot.
Cannot.
But I'm just saying, you know, it is what it is.
So, of course, all Trump people are sitting there going like, well, you know,
it's edited.
You got to listen to the whole thing.
And then people are like, well, here's a link to the whole thing.
Go listen to it.
They're not going to listen to it because they don't want to hear it.
So, I don't know.
This would be like me saying, hey, you know, I think my seven and nine Patriots
actually
had a good football season.
At some point, you got to turn around and be like, look, we didn't get the
fucking job done.
Okay?
You want to talk V for Vendetta?
Let's talk about that Eagles game last night where Giant fans were sitting at
home actually
whispering, fly, Eagles, fly.
Because they needed them to win to get into the goddamn playoffs.
Playoffs.
Right?
They needed them to get in.
And I was like up to my neck with the kiddos at that point during the day.
So, I was popping in and out, popping in and out.
And I know the Redskins came out to an early lead.
I know that the Eagles had some sort of quarterback in there that wasn't, was
it Kirk Cousins, Carson Wentz?
I always forget who the fuck.
Those two guys, they play on the same team.
I can't keep them straight.
But that guy wasn't in.
And then they had a backup in who was fucking doing great.
And at the end of the game, when they were like down by three or whatever, they
take him
out and put some fucking punter in to be quarterback.
And they lose the fucking game.
Giants don't make the playoffs.
Giants would have played the Tom Brady Buccaneers.
And then we could watch all the people overhyping the game, acting like this is
Tom Brady's chance
to get revenge on a Giant team while he's not a Patriot anymore.
And Eli and Tom Kompload are gone.
And watch them try and shoehorn that fucking thing to be like, but wait, is it
the logo?
Is that what it is?
So we missed out on all of that because they tanked.
And then one of my buddies goes, that was the biggest tanking I've ever seen in
my life.
And then as a Patriots fan, I then had to flip out and be like, no, it wasn't.
No, it wasn't.
The biggest tanking you're ever going to fucking see.
You're ever going to fucking see is when Jim Irsay and the Indianapolis Colts
tanked a half
a fucking season to get Andrew Luck.
They tanked eight fucking games in a row or whatever it was, six games or
something like that.
Remember Peyton Manning, one of the greatest to ever do it.
He had that neck problem.
He fucking went to Europe.
You know, some shit was sent to his house in his wife's name.
And he comes back and he's like, my neck is stronger than ever.
And for the first time ever, an owner was like, well, we're really concerned
about your long
term health.
You know, finally gave a fuck about a player.
And they kept him on the bench because he was like in his whatever, 15th
fucking year.
Whatever the hell it was.
And they decided that he was washed up.
And they're like, and here's this great fucking kid, Andrew Luck coming out of
Stanford.
Right.
Let's go get this guy.
And that's what the fuck they did.
So, I mean, I don't think that that's the biggest tank.
Having said that, something went on there.
I don't know.
I don't know why they would do that.
You want to end on like a positive note.
Like my New England Patriots beating the two and 13, two and 13 te