Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-21
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T23:44:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-14. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you,
just checking to see how your week's going, man.
No matter where you are, no matter where you are, I'm just checking in on you,
seeing how it's going.
I want to thank everybody who watched, I did a Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show the
other day. They did a little advice thing, which you probably recognized. The
writers were smart enough to be like, hey, you know, you do this on your
podcast, why don't we lob it over the fucking net, right, for you.
So I had a great time. I've known Jimmy, Jesus Christ, 25 years. I've known him
so long. I remember he asked me one time at the improv what it was like to be
on TV.
He quickly got the answer because like six months after that, I think he booked
SNL and yeah, he's done pretty well for himself after that. So it's very psyched.
We had a lot of fun just getting caught up before we even did it because there
was no crowd there.
So we could really just sort of shoot the shit and then be like, ah, you want
to do this? Let's do this. So I had a great time. So thank you to him and
everybody to tonight's show and the roots for with the cool intro music and
everybody who watched. There you go. All right.
Enough of me being a nice guy. Let's get into it. How about Donald Trump? Huh?
Preaching love and happiness. Come together right now. So they don't impeach me.
Fucking hilarious. The guy finally said what all he needed to say to stay in
office. You know, if he just fucking said like, you know, this is the time we
all need to come together. Okay. That's what I we've needed.
For a long time for a president to fucking say that, that we all need to get on
the same page here. Everybody's cool. Let's not fucking be, you know, bringing
guns to protests. I guess there's going to be an armed protest.
You know, I don't even understand what the purpose of that is. Okay. You have
guns. All right. And I should be afraid. Why? You're going to show up and you're
going to protest. You're bringing your guns. Now, why do you need guns? Are you
afraid of the police?
Do you feel that they're going to attack you? And are you going down there to
shoot cops? I mean, you're just going down there to protest the election. Why
are you going down there with your guns?
You know, in a perfect world, everyone would just sort of ignore it. They'd let
them go down and exercise their right to walk around with their guns and
fucking protest and just, you know, the deal. So, you know, what's going to
happen is some stupid, you know, Larry liberal's going to go down there.
He's going to run his fucking yap and he's going to get shot in the calf or
some dumb shit like that.
I mean, that's what everybody on Fox News in CNN are really fucking hoping
because they don't give a shit about this country.
All they want is for us to be fighting. So they have something to talk about
because they have 24 hours they need to fucking fill up.
That's what I realized. I saw on one of those fucking channels was probably CNN.
I never watched either one of them, but my, you know, my mother-in-law comes
over and she likes watching CNN, right?
So I can only watch it for like three seconds or I have a heart attack or I get
just fucking angry and I walk out of the room because that's what those people
do, right?
That's what they do. It's like that friend you had who was cool 20 years ago
and they've slowly gone fucking crazy as their life has unraveled.
And it happens so incrementally you didn't notice. And then one day you're just
like, I got to get this person out of my life.
That's what 24 hour news networks are like. So they showed, you know, uh, the
Capitol building under siege and they showed up like they had an actual picture
of the Trump supporters outside of it.
And then they added in the background sort of this look of flames. And for half
a second, I was just like, oh my God, they even lit the place on fire.
I'm like, they didn't light it on fire. They fucking, they broke some windows
and they showed up dressed like those willows.
They call them Furbies. What are those people who like to fuck with, would
dress like a mascot? A couple of Furbies showed up, right?
They're always doing shit like that. Making OJ darker, fucking putting flames
where there was no fire and nobody calls them on it.
Nobody gives a shit. Uh, maybe they do. I don't know. I don't know where they
are, but anyways,
so dumb, dumb is finally saying we need to come together, which is all he
fucking needed to say at the beginning of this pandemic.
He would have come off as a leader. We need to listen to the doctors. We all
need to come together.
We got to get on the same page. I know we all don't see eye to eye, but hey man,
at the end of the day, we're all Americans.
This is the greatest country out there. Give me a little fucking, we'll throw a
little sauce on it.
This is the, we have the best trees of any country. You know, fucking let's get
it going.
Let's fucking get it going, you know, but
he's just doing it now to save his own ass. But even then it was nice to hear
him say it.
Even his kids are saying it. Oh man. He, Trump fucked up so bad. He fucked up
so bad because not only did he
fuck over the people across the aisle, which is just, you know, standard, right?
He fucked over people
on his side of the aisle. He fucked over his own. Anybody who fucked with him,
he went at them with
a fucking vengeance. And now you watch, you watch. Yeah. You know, coming from
a cunt, you can't be
that, you can't be a cunt to everybody. If you're a cunt to everybody, you got
nowhere to dock your
boat. And unfortunately that's where that fucking orange headed son of a bitch
is, is at right now.
He is in a bad way. And I learned, cause I was like most people going like, all
right, what are you
gonna impeach this guy for? He's got like a fucking week left here. And
everybody's like, well, if he
gets impeached, then he can't fucking run again. But he would have to be like
impeached, impeached.
Cause everybody was like, this is the second time Trump has been impeached. Now,
as far as my
understanding, this is the second time he has been brought up on a vote to see
if he's going to get
impeached. Cause to get impeached, to actually impeach, you're removed from
office. And for that to
happen, why it's so difficult is just, I think just to get to the vote, to see
if you're going to be
impeached, you need only half the house. So if the other side owns the house or
whatever, the majority,
you can get to that. But then to actually remove a guy from office, I believe
you need three quarters
of the vote. Okay. So that would mean, let's say if it was perfect, whether it
was 50% Republican,
50% Democrat, you'd need half of the Republicans to roll the dice, risking, um,
the people in their
own state getting upset. I don't know if they, if they make that vote public
about who, um,
voted to kick the guy out or not. Um, if it's not public, then it could
possibly happen. I don't
know, but he, he really pissed off a lot of people and, uh, yeah, he's one of
those guys that starts a
bar fight. And then, you know, when his friends come to get in the middle, he
starts swinging on his
friends too. It's fucking toupee flying all over the place. Yeah. He went a
little, uh, he went a
little crazy there. So we'll, we'll see what happens. We will see what happens
before roll, uh, forgetful
Freddie and his plastic face gets in there. We'll see what happens. Um, so
anyways, Hey,
congratulations. And Nick Saban, I didn't realize that was his seventh
championship. He got one with
the LSU tigers. Then he came up and coached for the dolphins and he was just
like, wow, I knew
Florida was bad, but I didn't know it was this bad. So he got the fuck out of
the NFL and then he went
to Alabama and the guy has won six, uh, college championships. He's won one, at
least one, if not
two, let's see. He won two in the two thousands. If this was his seventh, then
he won four.
He won four in the teens. Jesus Christ. I mean, that is just unbelievable. And
I got to tell you,
I was rooting for Ohio state because Alabama was so good. I was like, all right,
what am I going to do?
Uh, you know, I'm not, I mean, I like both these teams, but I'm an LSU
university of Michigan guy,
right? So I inherently root against both of these teams. So what do I do now? I'll
just root for
the Buckeyes, which kind of felt good to root for them because I used to root
for them before I met
their fans. Uh, but I, I really, I enjoyed, uh, rooting for them. Um, and it
was all right there for a
minute, but they just kind of needed to go touchdown for touchdown. And, uh, I
thought
their offense in reality was the offense, wasn't the problem. They were running
pretty good and they
were throwing pretty good against them. And they scored enough points to win a
fucking championship
game. It's just their defense had no fucking answers whatsoever. And, uh, when
they got it to
within 14 points when it was like 38, 24, and then Alabama just went right down,
scored and then stopped
the Bucs and then scored another touchdown. It was just like, Jesus Christ. Um,
I mean, that's one of
the greatest teams of all time is what people are saying. I don't know enough
about football, but I'll
tell you, they, they were, you know, I saw what Ohio state did to everybody. I
saw what they did to
Clemson and, uh, Oh my God. I mean, Alabama was, I mean, that's, you can't
dispute that one.
That was obviously the best team, um, in the country. So let's take a look here.
Let's see how
many fucking titles Alabama has Alabama football, Wikipedia. This is what I
like about Wikipedia is
they, they do have all their titles and I think bear Bryant had five, right? Is
that what he had?
Or did he have six? All right. They claim 25, 26, 30, 30. Okay. Claimed 18 unclaimed
four.
Oh, I think that's back when you didn't have a playoff. So they, they were
agreed upon that
they were, uh, that they have won 18 fucking Jesus Christ. That is incredible.
All right. Let's
look up bear Bryant. See how many titles this guy has bear Bryant. All right.
Bear Bryant came
Alabama, 1958, uh, champion. He won six national championships, 1961, 1964,
1965, 1973, 1978, 1979.
He won three in the sixties. He won three in the seventies. So Nick Saban was
tied with him
as far as championships won at Alabama. And he had one more overall cause he
had the one with LSU.
I think that was in 2002. I think that was in 2002. So let's look up Nick Saban.
It was kind
of cool to see him smiling. Um, all right. Championship seven. He won in 2003
with LSU.
Then he won one in 2009, uh, with Alabama. That was his first. Then he won 2011,
2012, 2015, 2017, 2020.
So since 2009 in 12 seasons, they've won half the titles. I mean, how do you
fuck with that?
You know what? I gotta, I gotta take my hat off and, you know, bow my freckled
bald head
to Alabama. God damn it. How many titles my LSU Tigers got? Huh? Let's see. Let's
see what LSU has L.
I wonder who has the second most. Is it USC? LSU? Here we go. Let me see. We'll
do it this way. Most NCAA
football national championships. Let's get a list going here. Sports people
love lists.
Okay. Let's see what we got here. Number 10. Minnesota has six titles. 34, 35,
36. Won three years in a row.
Won in 1940, 41, and 1960. Haven't won shit since. Oklahoma Summers. Summers?
Sooners. Won in 50, 55, 56.
74, 75. When they had, like, Billy Sims, I think. 85. When they had, uh, they
had, what's-his-face,
the linebacker there. Uh, in 2000. Oh, it's been a minute for them.
Ohio State has eight. 42, 54, 57. 61, 68, 70. And they didn't win for 40, 32
years. 2002, 2014.
Harvard. Oh, Jesus. Harvard. 1875, 1890, 1898, 1899, 1910, 1912, 1913, 1919. So
if I go to a Harvard
game, do I chant, do I chant, 19, 19? They were crushing it. They had all the
smarties and all
the football teams. All right. USC has nine. 31, 32, 6