Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-18-21
Uploaded: 2021-01-18T19:34:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-18-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-18-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-18. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-18-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 18th, 2021.
2021. It's a huge day, huge week. It's a huge week in America.
For those around the world, if you don't realize it, the NFL playoffs!
We're in the middle of it.
And by the way, there's going to be a transfer of power.
The Bills, your Buffalo Bills, who would have thunk it?
16 fucking games, 17 games ago, who would have thunk that the perennial
basement dwellers
or middle of the pack of the AFC East would win the AFC East, win the first
round in the playoffs.
Wait, did they play there? They played last week.
I already forget who the fuck they beat.
And going up against the Ravens.
And you know what? I was with Verzi, and we sort of did it because we got our
first podcast.
We're going to record it on Wednesday.
And I had my picks, and this is what I picked.
I picked the Buffalo Bills to beat the Ravens.
Even though I kind of thought the Ravens were going to win, I was just, I just
kind of went with my heart.
I wanted the Bills to win.
All right?
And then Green Bay versus the Rams.
I picked Green Bay.
Then KC, this is against the spread too.
KC against the Browns.
I took the Browns.
I thought the Browns had a shot.
They definitely covered it.
We're getting like 10, 10 and a half.
I forget.
And then Tampa Bay versus the Saints.
I mean, I'm a longtime Patriots fan, so you know who I took.
You know who I took.
I took the Saints.
I hadn't watched the Buccaneers since like mid-November, and they look sloppy.
And then I started thinking, ah, that Bruce Aarons guy, he's a fucking player's
coach.
He's walking around with a Kangol hat.
Still, you know that teacher that was still trying to be cool and be friends
with like the high school kids?
Sort of creepy, you know?
Talking to the cheerleaders a little too much in the fucking class, you know?
I thought it was one of those deals.
So I'm like, yeah, I ain't going to fucking win with the goddamn player coach.
And the fuck was I thinking betting against Tom Brady?
It was weird.
My money was on the Saints, but I was rooting for Tampa Bay, if that makes any
sense.
So I went three and one.
So let's do old Billy's breakdown of the games where I don't know anybody's
names or whatever.
I don't know anybody's names.
You guys saw the fucking games.
Let's just talk a couple of highlights here.
The fucking Cleveland Browns.
I got to tell you something, man.
They were driving me fucking crazy during that game.
Because I knew that with the right game plan, straight up, forget about Mahomes
getting choked out or whatever happened to them.
They could beat Kansas City.
They could beat Kansas City.
Kansas City is a very beatable team.
And as much as everybody's blowing them, going like, this is the greatest
offense, all of these weapons.
Well, I've never seen a fucking thing like this before.
It's like the fifth incarnation of one of these unbelievable offenses that
nobody can fucking beat.
Remember the 2008 Patriots?
Oh, my God.
Nobody's going to stop them.
Giants.
Right?
Remember the fucking greatest show on Terp?
Oh, my God.
They're going to score a thousand fucking points.
Patriots.
Beat them in the Super Bowl.
I remember the fucking, uh, the Bills when they first came out.
Their first year.
The run and gun.
They were going to fucking destroy the Giants.
The Giants beat them.
I remember in 86, fucking Elway and all his receivers.
No one's going to beat them.
The Giants beat them.
And everybody's going, oh, the fucking Giants.
No.
Bill Belichick.
Bill Belichick at 86 and 90.
And then, uh, Tom Coughlin at 2008.
If you got a great coach and they know what the fuck they're doing.
The Cleveland Browns had the motherfucking team to beat the goddamn Chiefs.
And what did they do?
They started playing Chiefs football like everybody does.
Chiefs get the ball.
They go right down the fucking field.
Give them the old right there, Fred.
And make it seven or nothing.
And everybody gets out of their game plan.
That offense is so fucking scary that everybody goes like, oh, fuck.
We got to throw the ball.
If we're going to keep, if we're going to beat this team, we need to score
fucking 38 points.
Meanwhile, the Cleveland Browns have the best offensive line in the AFC, if not
the NFL.
And the best one-two punch, Kareem Hunt and Nate Chubb running game.
They should have been running a game.
When you run into a fucking offense like the Kansas City Chiefs, what do you do?
You slow it down.
You slow the fucking game down.
You don't start playing to their fucking pace.
And that's what the fuck they did in the first half.
It drove me up the fucking wall.
They should have been running on first down and wearing down the defensive line
to the Kansas City Chiefs, which is good, but it's not great.
So come the third quarter, you start running downhill and old fucking Patrick
Mahomes and Tyreek Hill and Kelsey and all those fucking monsters are standing
on the sidelines.
That's what the fuck you do.
That's what the fuck you do.
You beat a team that scores 38 fucking points a game by beating them like 20 to
17 because you had the fucking ball the whole time.
All right, remember the fucking, think about all those games that I just
mentioned about those high-powered offenses.
They all got beat on low fucking scoring games because the other team had the
motherfucking ball.
That's why.
That's why.
And they didn't do it.
They were fucking throwing the ball.
By the way, Baker Mayfield made some amazing fucking plays.
So only imagine if they had beaten up their fucking defensive line and only
imagine when Mahomes was out of the game, what the fuck could have happened?
And instead, their line was still fresh.
I don't think Kareem Hunt had a fucking touch in the whole first half.
It was unbelievable.
Now, having said that, you got to take your hat off to the fucking defending
champs that they could lose their Tom Brady and have that hanky guy come in.
I don't know what the hell his fucking name is.
And that guy got it done.
I mean, that is a championship team when they can lose their best guy and still
beat a really, really good Cleveland Browns team.
So hats off to them.
But I will say this.
The Bills, if they do what the fuck I just said, because they have the defense
that can beat Kansas City.
Kansas City is not the fucking, I'm so fucking sick of everybody jerking off
these high-powered offenses.
I remember that whole year the Patriots were undefeated.
You know, from October on, Keith Robinson was going, I don't like their defense.
I was like, I don't like their defense either.
We were very, very beatable.
As far as, like, just our defense wasn't that good.
And we started, what year was that?
I forget what the fuck, what the hell happened?
What scandal, that bullshit scandal was that one?
I can't even remember.
Was that the Spygate one?
That was Spygate.
Yeah, that was Spygate.
So then we had to show, although, this is what we could have been doing.
We started running up the score and everybody, like fucking Pete Carroll at USC.
So then everybody, we started playing playoff games.
So we were getting fucking beat down.
Everybody was going extra hard against us.
By the time we got to the fucking playoffs, you know, we were not a balanced
team.
But anyway, I really wanted the Browns-Bills AFC championship game.
I was really rooting for that.
I love a fucking underdog, but I'm also, I'm not a hater.
I also love the Kansas City Chiefs.
And I love that they still play in that old fucking stadium.
And that, you know, the Chiefs have not held that fucking city hostage.
And make them build this big, stupid-ass fucking stadium.
Arrowhead Stadium, I think, is the best stadium in the fucking league.
I hate all the new stadiums, you know, where the fans are like a million
fucking miles away.
And they got some sushi chef on the fucking VIP, mezzanine fucking level.
Whatever the hell it is.
And I really think it's fucking bullshit.
And really, one of the things I hate the most about the NFL is that they make
cities pay for their fucking football stadiums.
I mean, I mean, that's like, that's like right up there with like churches not
having to pay taxes.
It's like, who in the, you don't have to pay taxes.
Why?
Because you're claiming you know what happens after we die, you fucking cunts.
Oh, and meanwhile, you're out there raping kids, kicking your fucking chair for
the potholes, you cunts.
But I believe Bob Kraft did not hold us, he didn't hold us hostage either.
But everybody else, you know, when I went to fucking Indianapolis, right?
Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
When I went out there, the Hoosier Dome, the city had still not even paid for.
And Jim Irsay, that fucking steaming pile of fucking shit of a human being.
That for some reason ESPN listens to him like he's a fucking war hero over the
years.
That steaming pile of shit made them fucking pay for the Lucas oil field.
Lucas fucking oil field.
So anyway, it was a great fucking game.
And even with all the mistakes I thought that Kansas City made by not utilizing
their running game.
And beating down a very beatable Kansas City defense.
They kind of played into their hand.
And it's going to be really interesting to see what the Bills do.
I'm working on my game plan.
Are you guys making that joke that I fucking look like that guy?
Bill McDermott.
Bill McBermott.
What was I going to say?
I think that that is going to be a great, great game.
Provided if Mahomes is playing.
But like I agreed with whatever that bald dude's guy's name is on the.
I feel like I should know him because I'm bald too.
We should like stick together or some dumb shit.
The guy on the one with Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long.
That one.
Fox.
The Fox one.
He was saying that he thought that Mahomes got choked out.
Which is great news for Kansas City fans because then he wouldn't have a concussion.
And I know it's weird because you didn't really see him get hit in the head.
He just kind of got his head like twisted around with his jersey or something.
That guy was like pulling on him.
And I remember when I saw, what's his face?
Choke out Steve-O.
Oh my God.
What the fuck's his name?
One of the greatest UFC champs.
Chuck Lydell.
When he choked out Steve-O let him put him in a choke hold.
He fucking had him in it for like, it was like 0.5 seconds.
And Steve-O was just out like a light.
So I think like accidentally, that's kind of what happened with Mahomes.
And every fighter I've ever heard was saying, I'd rather get choked out than
knocked out.
As far as like the damage that it does.
So if that is the case, then KC should be right as rain to play the Buffalo Bills.
As much as I was disappointed with the Browns, it was really great to watch a
championship team.
You basically saw a team that knows how to win and another team that needs to
learn how to win was basically it.
So anyway, and I think at this point, Baker Mayfield has proven all of his naysayers
wrong with some of those fucking throws that he made.
Where he was putting the ball.
I really like that guy.
All right.
Tampa Bay.
Tom Brady.
The Tom Brady Buccaneers beat the New Orleans Saints.
And I got to look this guy up.
I have to look this guy up.
Who the fuck is number 45 on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
It was like Marshawn Lynch was playing fucking defense.
Tampa Bay.
Devin White.
Age 22.
237 pounds.
Oh, LSU guy.
He's six feet tall.
When the first, when he made one of those picks, I was like, is that guy your
fucking safety?
Because he didn't look that tall, but he was fucking jacked.
Then I saw him lining up.
Yeah.
Inside linebacker.
Oh, my God.
What a force of nature that kid is.
So Tom Brady matches, I believe, his favorite quarterback growing up, Joe
Montana, where he went to another team and got him to the AFC.
A conference championship game.
He also, with that victory yesterday, now has twice as many playoff wins as the
next Hall of Fame quarterback, which is Joe Montana.
Joe Montana's guy's 16.
