Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-21
Uploaded: 2021-02-01T18:40:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-01. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you to see how the fuck you're doing.
Hey, you know what? I was all excited to get this fucking vaccine and all of
that shit.
Oh, I'm group 1C. 1C over 50. Come on up and get it.
I thought you got it, and then that was it.
But now I'm here, and you got to get it, and you got to get another one, and
then they think maybe it's only good for a fucking year.
It's like, oh, you greedy cunts.
You know, how many comedians have done bits about the last thing they've really
cured was polio?
Now, look, I know this thing is brand new, but you know the deal.
These guys are licking their chops going, there is over 7 billion people on the
planet who need this shot.
We're going to make a ton of money.
Like, and then there was one other guy.
What if, what if they had to get it every year?
7 billion every year in our pocket.
I don't know. Maybe, maybe, I don't know.
You got to get a flu shot every year.
Maybe it's just like that.
I don't fucking know.
But I thought I was going to go down.
I was going to get it.
I was going to be fine.
I don't know.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
It could be worse, right?
It could be worse.
It could always be worse.
It could always be worse.
That's what I've learned.
It could always be worse.
Like right now, you know what I mean?
As much as you were a fan of Donald Trump, okay, and you think that they took
the election from him and he got fucked over and all, as much as you thought
that, it could always be worse.
You could have gone down to DC and those fucking idiots with their water
buffalo lodge, Fred Flintstone fucking hats, went in and killed the fucking cop.
And now you could have been there.
Now, listen to what the fuck these guys are doing.
Prosecutors weigh heavy hammer, felony murder for rioters and Capitol officers,
police officers death.
Now, I understood that.
But listen to this shit.
As federal prosecutions filed charges against rioters who took part in last
Wednesday's violent takeover, the U.S. Capitol.
Investigators continue to gather evidence.
Well, I guess this is an old article.
Well, it's new to me.
Last week.
It was almost last month.
Gather evidence in the death of Capitol Police officer Brian Sicknick, who died
from injuries sustained during the attack.
While most murder investigations focus on the person or persons who caused the
fatal injury, former federal prosecutor Tim Herpy.
Heapy, heapy, I don't know, said prosecutors could charge many rioters with
felony murder, even if they were nowhere near Sicknick.
See, it could be that.
You could have been one of those law abiding Trumpsters standing out there with
your fucking sign yelling at the cops.
Why don't you go in there and go do something?
Could have been one of them.
Still getting charged.
This can always, can always be worse.
Can always be worse.
That's that's what I learned this week.
You know, when you finally fix the fucking wall in your backyard, right?
They got to dig up a bunch of vegetation.
And then the next time it rains, all the fucking dirt, you have your own
private mudslide.
And it goes all over your fucking patio.
Like you did for me this week.
Could always be worse.
Could have been, you know.
I don't know.
God forbid I could have been standing there.
Well, freckles buried up to his neck in dirt like the end of that fucking, what
was that movie there?
The guy buried the dude up in the sand waiting for the tide to come in and he's
screaming, I can hold my breath a really long time.
I think it was the guy from Airplane.
Or was it at the Crypt Keeper?
Was it the Crypt Keeper?
They did a bunch of different ones.
I don't fucking know.
Anyways.
Anyway.
You know what they should charge with something?
These federal prosecutors are these fucking assholes who jog in the street when
there's a perfectly good fucking sidewalk.
They jog in the street like they're having their own little fucking, if anybody
knows, like, bicycle, people on bikes and joggers are getting really aggressive.
I don't know what their deal is.
This fucking asshole, he comes, I'm like driving down the street.
This guy comes running out into the street, like off a side street, like he's
in a car.
He's not even on a bicycle, he's just running down the street.
It's like, why aren't you on the fucking sidewalk where you belong?
Sorry, I know it shouldn't get to me like that.
But why aren't you on the fucking side?
This is a new me, I'm going to be more calm.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
Why aren't you on the fucking sidewalk where you belong, you dumb cunt?
Why can't they run on the fuck?
There's a sidewalk.
Why can't you be there?
Why are you running in the fucking street, you fucking moron?
I don't want to turn my ankle, you know?
It's a more even surface.
Really?
So you're going to run in traffic with your back to people while they text and
drive?
And then what are they going to do?
Frost your fucking jogging shorts after you died to leave it next to the
fucking idiot
who was riding a bike in something that was called a bike lane that isn't?
Right?
Fucking people on bikes can go fuck themselves.
I like to try and be green in all that type of shit.
These fucking assholes on bikes.
I've said it a million times.
They don't obey the rules of the road.
They're supposed to.
Right out in the street.
You're just like a car.
You got a signal when you turn.
You got to come to a full stop at a fucking stop sign.
I don't even do that.
But these fucking assholes, they blow right red lights, stop signs, all of this
shit.
And then when they die, then when they fucking die, what do they do?
They frost the bike like they're a fucking war hero.
Here lies so-and-so.
He rode out in traffic and didn't stop at red lights.
Can you believe what assholes these people in cars are?
Sorry.
Sorry.
It really isn't about these people.
It's really about the fucking...
It's like somebody dug a swimming pool in my backyard, but there isn't one.
And they just left the dirt.
That's what the fuck happened.
All over my patio.
I'll tell you right now, people, be careful what you wish for, you know?
I'm really starting to see the genius of those people who live in those little
fucking...
Like they somehow turn a walk-in closet into like a house.
How insufferable is someone who lives in a fucking house like that?
You know they have this big fucking ear-to-ear grin when you come walking in
there?
Because they love being the center of attention, which is why they bought that
little house to begin with.
Now look, if you're doing it for financial reasons, okay, you're off the hook.
But if you're fucking doing it to make a statement that you're a minimalist,
okay, that's great.
I think it is a good thing.
It is good for the fucking environment, but I don't want to come over.
I don't want to talk to you as you come walking in there waiting to blow my
mind.
at how little you can live with and be happy with, you know?
Okay, like I'm just picturing a guy with a beard and his hair pulled back in a
ponytail.
You sort of saw that brillowy hair, you know?
Looks like the drummer in Faith No More, except like smarmy, a smarmy version
of that guy.
That's who I picture when I walk in.
He's not wearing a shirt with his dumb yoga body, you know?
He's basically doing everything right, and it's fucking annoying me, you know?
And then you're in that little house, and, you know, you can't do anything.
You're just in that little house.
Everybody's going to see it.
If you have a fight, it's going to be like raising Arizona.
You're going to come out the side of it.
If I didn't have kids, I really think, and I look at those things sometimes, as
I'm sitting
here looking around my fucking office, and over the years, every gig I've done,
somebody
gives me something, somebody gives me this, I get a free t-shirt and all this
shit, and
the next thing you know, next thing you know, you just have a mountain of
fucking shit.
I have so much shit framed.
I don't even know what the fuck to do with it.
And today, I go to the fucking grocery store.
It's sort of a mom and pop one, because it's owned by, like, a family.
It's weird.
It's sort of a weird place, where it's like, it's mom and pop, it's super
healthy, but
they don't like gay people.
It's in the valley.
They got some shit for it.
But they got the organic shit, so I go there, right?
The fuck?
You know?
I like gay people.
You know, I'm not straight across the board, because there's assholes who
happen to be
gay, you know what I mean?
But I don't dislike gay people, is what I'm trying to say.
I didn't want to be like, oh, I like gay people.
I hate when people say that.
I love the gays.
All of them.
Just, all they have to be is be gay, because there's cunts who happen to be gay.
Happen to be gay, right?
If you're cool, I like you.
That's the deal.
But here's the thing, too.
I also want to be in the shape of a gay dude, so I have to go to where these
homophobic
people say.
I don't have to, but it's convenient, so I do.
So anyway, I go in there, and as I'm going to leave, you know, the lady puts
the shit
in the bag, and then she gives me another bag.
I go, what is that?
She goes, oh, it's a little gift bag from the thing there, right?
And what it is, is it's either new products or shit that isn't selling well,
and they're
hoping that I'm eating it, and I'm going to fucking like it.
It was like one thing that was edible.
I just took a glance at it, and then the other things were all like stuff you
had to open.
This little fucking like, not like a giant gift bag, like, you know, when you
brown bagged
your lunch.
It was like the size of that.
And I came home, and I opened it.
I was like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
What am I supposed to do with this?
A couple of times, I've entertained getting rid of almost everything I have,
but I'm too
fucking sentimental.
But as I'm looking around this office, there's a whole bunch of shit I'm
thinking like, I
didn't need to buy that.
Why did I buy that?
Like, you know what's a bad one?
A bookshelf.
A bookshelf full of books.
You probably didn't read most of them, and if you did, you're not going back.
I have all of these books.
Books that I love, that I read.
So, you know, someday I'll go back and read them again.
You know what?
You don't.
You move on to the next thing, and there it is.
It's just sitting on your fucking shelf.
All right, this is getting dark, man.
This is getting dark.
That's why I'm starting to do podcasts with other people, man, you know?
I'm left alone to my own thoughts.
Starts going a little sideways there.
Anyway.
Yeah.
So I got a bunch of dirt in my fucking backyard right now.
And I have to fucking, I don't know what I got to do with it.
Do we put it back?
And then, hey, we can plant some more stuff up there.
Well, didn't we take that shit out because the shit you planted up there was
fucking with the wall?
Does it just go around in a circle?
Is that what happens?
You know?
I'm getting the last bit of the plumbing done, and then my house is done.
It's done.
And, you know, it's like a buddy of mine said, owning a house, it's like
painting the fucking Golden Gate Bridge.
Is it Al Madrigal said that?
I think that's what he said.
It's like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
And what it is is they paint the Golden Gate Bridge, and they never stop.
And when they get all the way to one side, it's time to paint the other.
And they just keep, that's all they do is just paint that fucking thing.
I mean, personally, if I was the mayor of San Francisco, maybe I'd hire some
more painters, get the fucking job done.
You know, what do you got, like three guys working on that fucking thing?
Whatever.
So, what did I do today?
Today, I actually forgot.
I was so fucking busy, I forgot it was Thursday.
So, I apologize.
I apologize that the podcast is so goddamn late.
How about those Bos