Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-21
Uploaded: 2021-02-15T20:50:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-15. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February 15th, 2021.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, happy day, happy day after
Valentine's Day, happy after Valentine's Day.
I can't fucking sing. I didn't work out the lyrics, everybody. Valentine's Day
is over. That's great.
You got through it. You know, she won't put the screws to you and bring up the
fucking pressure.
What is... Oh, Bill's going in. Is he going in? Oh, he's standing up.
He's taking off his coat because he's an old man and he was a little chilly.
The coat is coming off. I got something to say.
I'm an old man and you kids should listen to me.
I don't understand. What is with the ladies? The fucking pressure.
They're constantly... They're in the full-court fucking...
What do they call that? I don't know anything called basketball.
Full-court fucking defense. Whatever you call it. Full-court press.
Huh? Who the fuck knew Kentucky was 5-13? I didn't know that.
They usually got that one fucking guy ready to just, you know, explode.
You know, John Calipari comes walking in. He's like, I'm going to tell you
right now, lady.
That kid right there is going to be in the NBA in one year.
He just has to come here. Then he's going to go there. I'm going to go to the
draft with him.
All right?
Let's call a spade a spade. College is bullshit.
All right?
They're building entire fucking wings of universities off of kids with talent
like your son.
He's going to be the NBA. Millions of dollars. His own sneaker line.
Whores waiting for him after every game.
All you got to do is get one season here.
One season here in Kentucky. You understand me? You understand what I'm saying
here?
Just have that kid come to Kentucky.
Comes to Kentucky.
He throws down on a couple of skinny white kids from fucking DePaul.
And then he's going to be in the NBA. He's going to be number one draft.
He's going to get number one draft.
And he's going to buy you a fucking cabana.
Ten times the size of this shithole you're living in.
But he's got to come to Kentucky. You understand me?
That's usually what happens every year.
And then the kid goes.
And then that's it.
And he fucking won it done.
John Calipari goes to the NBA draft.
There you go.
You know?
With his little shark skin fucking suit.
We had it all and then we fucked it up.
I think they won the other day.
I was watching the game.
Six and 13.
Six and 12.
Whatever the fuck they are.
That is unacceptable.
Unacceptable.
What are you going to do next?
Make some bourbon without 51% corn?
Anyway.
Yeah.
Ladies with the fucking...
Oh my God.
I love...
When you're married you kind of love Valentine's Day in a way.
You know?
I waited until today to get a card.
I was going to get one the other day.
And I was just like...
I ain't fucking sifting through all that shit.
So of course this...
Today I got to go...
You know?
I got to go walk over to the...
I go for my old man walks.
You know what I mean?
It's important for a man of a particular age to, you know, shuffle his feet
down the fucking
street.
You know what I mean?
Stare down a couple of squirrels.
Make yourself still feel like a man.
Right?
So I go down there to buy some bounce, some downy, some bullshit for fucking
laundry.
I got to get her a card, right?
So I go there.
Of course, all the Valentine's...
Not only Valentine's Day cards are all gone.
They're just fucking gone.
There's nothing left.
So I'm like, all right, whatever.
I usually just buy a blank one anyway.
I always thought it was fucking stupid that you're going to buy a card that
someone else
wrote a bunch of heartfelt shit and sort of captured what you felt.
And it's funny, you know, the amount of shit that your woman gives you, for
some reason,
they never sit there and think when they're reading that card that there's
thousands of
other women out there reading the exact same shit and putting it down going, oh!
Somebody else wrote it.
Somebody else wrote all of that who doesn't even fucking know you.
But you know what it is?
It's not what it's about.
They want you to take time out of your fucking day to go down there, read a
bunch of them,
stand in fucking line, wait for those old people who were trying to fucking get
their
instant fucking camera thing developed and have the manager come out to try to
explain
to them that they've had the camera for eight years and the technology has
moved on.
So they give them a free fucking ice cream.
Of course they don't.
They make them pay for that too, the corporate cunts.
So I go down there and all the cards are gone.
So I don't, you know, I don't panic.
All right?
I don't give a fuck, right?
What do I do?
I go, okay, there's no fucking Valentine's Day cards left.
I'm just going to buy the stupidest fucking card I can find and I'm just going
to stare
into it.
So, you know, it's like happy birthday, mom, happy birthday, dad, stupid shit
like that.
I'm like, that's not going to work.
That's not going to work.
And then I got to the congratulations section.
I'm like, all right, I'm seeing an opportunity here.
So I saw one of these cards.
It was, you know, it said, congratulations, blah, blah, blah.
And then you opened it up and had a song.
Celebrate good times.
Come on.
Boo, doo, doo, doo.
Doo, doo.
Whatever, right?
And I'm like, nah, that's not the one.
And then I just saw one that said, congratulations.
Yeah, yeah.
Woo-hoo.
Boo-boo.
All this dumb shit.
Congratulations to you.
And that's what it said on the inside.
And then I just wrote, you married me.
Then I wrote in French, I am the best, and you know it.
Love, Bill.
That's what I wrote.
But then I wrote a bunch of nice shit on the side.
She thought it was fucking hilarious.
And then I just realized, that's what I'm going to do from here on out.
I'm going to buy the wrong card for the wrong account.
On her birthday, I'm going to get her a get well soon.
Just, I don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry.
I fucking hate, you know, I like buying the blank ones.
Because it's not about the stupid card.
It's about what you feel.
So you write it.
So what am I doing?
You know?
You know what's funny?
She got me a blank one.
She went to some French shop.
She actually took the time.
She took the time, all right?
What are you going to do?
Okay, but I'm podcasting.
I'm paying the fucking bills here.
I don't got time to fucking.
No, I kind of spaced.
I forgot.
I mean, it's fucking stupid.
We've been together forever.
What are we doing?
Okay, what?
Do you think I don't love you?
We've actually had years where we just didn't get each other's cards.
You want to just not get each other's cards?
Like, that's our gift to each other.
And it's fucking great.
Stupid-ass goddamn holiday.
And we used to always do, like, we would go out to dinner, like, the weekend
after, when there was, like, nobody there.
Instead of going out on Valentine's Day and playing three times the fucking
cost, you know?
And just sitting there looking at all those guys sweating it out, their last
night of freedom.
The chick's fucking full-court press.
That's what I was looking for.
You know what would be fucking great is if you could go to a Valentine's Day, a
Valentine's Day dinner with your girlfriend, and you bring John Calipari.
And he just sits across from him and just says, listen, lady, if you just hang
in here for one more year, this kid's going to show up with a diamond ring that's
going to make you think that you just made the NBA, right?
You're just going to hang in there and not be a fucking cunt tonight.
Can you just do that?
Do that for me, okay?
You give me 12 months, 12 months of not being a fucking absolute pain in the
ass.
He'll show up next Valentine's Day.
Am I right?
All right?
Yeah, he's right.
He's right.
I want to get it.
You know, and that big bang, Paul, you're all done.
All right?
Enjoy your edamame.
Yeah, so anyway, so then I'm coming back, you know, going by, like, the 10
fucking cities, and then just one of those white church singers I hear singing
at this church, you know?
One of those just more vibrato than you ever want to fucking hear in your life.
I was like, what is that fucking sound?
And then the breeze was blowing so I could smell the people in the tent city,
you know?
It's like fucking nuts.
It's fucking nuts, man, that people have to live like that, you know?
Fucking crazy, right?
So I always think it's funny that they're living that way right outside of a
church, and everybody's in there singing about God.
And I don't know.
What can you do to help those people?
Get them out of there.
Jesus Christ.
I pulled up to a stop sign, and I'm fucking sitting there, stoplight, and I
look over.
There's two people in a tent with smartphones texting.
And I had everything I do.
I couldn't roll down the window and be like, hey, how do you charge those
things?
You got something I don't know about?
You're just sitting there looking at human beings living in a tent on the side
of a fucking street.
Unreal.
Unreal.
See, I see that, right?
And then I'm walking up the street, and what do I see?
I see fucking the no mask guy coming down the street.
Big, dumb, stupid, fucking baby Huey looking jackass, right?
You know what I mean?
Big fucking, looking like that guy from Full Metal Jacket with like hair, you
know, instead of buzzed down.
And I've never given anybody shit.
I've given people looks, but this, you know what it was?
It was the fucking asshole.
He stays on the sidewalk, and I have to get off, right?
Like, I work for him.
So, he just walks by.
He's on the phone, you know.
Didn't even make an effort to get out of the fucking way.
I'm clearing the way for him like I'm afraid of him or like he's like the
fucking governor or some shit.
So, I just, he walked by.
I just go, no mask.
All right, and then Fatso waited like until I was like 20 yards away.
He's like, yeah, no mask.
All right, and then I wanted to turn around and be like, yeah, no diet either.
Then he would have been, yeah, no hair.
And I would have been like, hey, that hurts my feelings, man.
I didn't.
I was just like, whatever.
What am I going to do, huh?
Punch him in his fat fucking liver.
Dumb fuck.
It's just what it is.
It is what it is.
God bless these fucking doctors.
Coming up with these vaccines.
God bless them.
Okay.
Because there's just too many fucking stupid people out there.
Big.
If you just saw this guy.
Big.
Stupid.
Like.
There's no God, people.
There's no.
Why would he make that?
Big.
Stupid.
Fat.
Fuck.
Walking around a pandemic.
Right down the fucking street with no mask on.
I don't know.
If there is a God, he just doesn't give a shit.
You know?
And I really want to talk to him about his quality of work.
Um.
Anyway.
But when he said, yeah, no mask, it kind of fucking pissed me off.
Right?
Like, like, you know, I'm the old guy telling him to turn his music down.
You know?
And like, meanwhile, like.
My daughter's in every, you know, my kid's got to fucking wear masks.
They can't go outside and play with other kids because of fat, fucking, stupid
fucks like this guy.
Just stupid, fucking, selfish cunts.
Stupid, fucking, selfish cunts.
You know something?
There's not, there's nobody worth anything that's in the medical field that
will not tell you not to put on a fucking mask.
It's unbelievable how fucking, and that fat fuck is going to get this shit and
then go down to the hospital and get treated.
And they shouldn't.
They'd be like, oh, yeah, I don't want to tell you, fatty.
I don't know.
You know what?
Here's the thing.
Is I've been really working hard.
You wouldn't know it from this podcast.
I've been working hard to not carry around that guy's shit.
So, I'm doing this because I have nothing to talk about.
Because I'm doing nothing like you guys.
I'm just staying in my fucking house.
So, I got to talk about this guy.
But, you know, the old me would have thought about that guy, you know, for like
a week.
Like, literally murdering him.
Not murder, even in my fantasy, I can't murder somebody.
Becaus