Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-21
Uploaded: 2021-03-04T20:31:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-04. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Checking to see how your week's going. Are you taking care of yourself?
I'm trying to. After my fucking desert excursion, that was it for me. I'm just
like, all right, you know what?
I think it's time I fucking shut it down. Shutting it down. Taking some
inventory here in March.
I was trying to go like, all right, let me try like this, you know, these
people, these plant-based diets, you know, these poor people fucking taking a
shit every 20 minutes, you know, but their skin is cleared up, right?
So I'm like, all right, I'll give this a try. So I lasted, let's see, what's
today? March 3rd? Yeah, today I had an Italian sandwich.
I was gonna fucking, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck I was gonna do,
and I just said, ah, you know what?
Once a week, can I just eat an animal? You know, can't I just do that? Can't I
just fucking, can't I just have that?
I have my little soda pop. That's all I got left, right? That's all I got left.
No, I'm gonna kind of, ah, a little mushroom trip, you know, that really just
made me think, oh no, this is not about the people around me.
This is, this is how I feel about myself. So I'm gonna try to take care of
myself, at least for the fucking month.
We'll see, we'll see, without bringing you guys down or whatever. So I've been,
you know, looking up plant-based dinners and shit, and it's really, like,
nutrition is probably
trying to figure out what the right answer is, you know? Like, I always, that
fucking guy, I mean, God bless him, he's shredded, he looks like he's making a
fucking ton of money,
but he goes, cardio burns fat, right? No. Cardio burns calories. And it's like,
you could run seven miles a day, you're not gonna burn, yes you are, you are,
you're gonna be fucking real thin.
I'm not saying you won't lose muscle too, but like, what's been fucking me over
is no cardio. Cardio kept my stomach flat.
I don't know what the fuck, and every fucking three days, it's just like,
butter gives you a heart attack.
Fucking drizzle as much as you can in your coffee!
So I don't know what to believe.
You know, and I'm not listening to some guy in the prime of his life who's
shredded.
I was shredded when I was fucking, you know, the first half of my 20s, I was
shredded.
Jesus Christ, you're in your 20s.
I want to see a fucking 52-year-old fucking bald ginger like me going, cardio
burns fat, right?
No, cardio burns fat, right? No!
Right? I don't listen to that guy.
I'm not gonna fucking listen to some guy with a full head of hair, not a gray
hair on his head.
It's like, who, I don't know who he's talking to, he ain't talking to me.
All right?
I want to listen to somebody who needs to stretch for 45 minutes and can only
fucking work out for six minutes.
That's, you know, I miss Richard Simmons.
You know, he just put on some candy stripe.
He stayed in shape, didn't he?
He used to be a fatty.
Look at him.
Put on his little peppermint shorts, and he fucking got the old ladies up out
of their wheelchairs,
and everybody felt a little better.
I don't know, but I've been doing these band workouts, right?
Oh, God, I'm so fucking old.
And I love them.
I love them.
They're great.
My shoulders feel normal now.
They feel actually like they're getting stronger.
Finally.
I finally got to somebody who helped me crack the code here, so I'm just going
to sort of work my way up to that.
And I think that's what I'm going to do for the remainder of my years is I'm
just going to do, like, band workout.
And it's actually not that bad.
You throw some push-ups in there, a couple of sit-ups.
You can do squats and shit like that.
And, you know, then you don't have to go to a gym.
But I have to watch what I eat because I'm not doing cardio.
No.
I'm not doing cardio, so I'm not burning enough fucking calories.
I need it.
And my whole, like, I look at my body.
I'm like, yeah, that's what the fuck I need to do.
And then every fucking YouTube video I watch, this kid comes on shredded with a
full head of hair and no gray hair telling me I don't need it.
All right, Bill, relax.
Okay, sorry.
Whatever.
It's late in the fucking day.
What do you want from me?
I just watched the Bruins losing the shootout to the formidable Washington Capitals
who look like, you know,
Islanders look good, but they look clearly like the best team in our division.
We got him again on Friday.
And if you're into hockey fights, I would definitely watch Trent Frederick and
Tom Wilson.
Frederick is fucking hilarious.
He was trying to fight Ovechkin.
It was like, Ovechkin said, I'm not fucking fighting you.
But then he fucking kept cross-checking him and pissing him off.
That finally Ovechkin like slashed him and they, and they, they, he got him off
the ice.
You know, I think Frederick got two for interference and Ovechkin got two for roughing.
And, you know, he did his job.
He got one of the best players in the league off the ice.
And we traded that for Trent Frederick.
So towards the end of the game, I think Tom Wilson let Frederick know that
there's going to be repercussions for that action.
And I got to tell you that Frederick does not back down.
And he fucked with two of the toughest guys in the league, man.
I mean, Ovechkin for a goal scorer, he fucking, some kid challenged him a few
years ago and it was just a one-punch scary knockout.
Okay.
I don't know what, I mean, I'm going to be watching that Frederick versus
Wilson fight.
I'm obviously a Bruin fan.
I'm rooting for Trent Frederick, but I'm going to watch that with fucking one-eyed
shut.
Because Wilson is no joke and just blatant disrespect to Ovechkin that whole
game.
Blatant disrespect.
Pissing him off.
Just fucking doing all of this shit.
And it's Wilson's job to make sure that that shit doesn't happen as their enforcer.
So there's the backstory.
And the game is on Friday if you want to fucking check it out.
I also watched my Celtics get a big win over the Clippers.
Granted, Leonard wasn't playing, but fucking Jalen Brown and Paul George just
put on a fucking show.
Effortless, effortless.
I think after the first quarter, I think both teams had like 35 points.
They won pace to score like 140 points.
I forget what it ended.
They both ended, it was like 117, 115.
But just a great game.
Big win for the Celtics.
Kind of was in this little bit of a losing streak there, obviously, since
Marcus Smart has been out.
And I know that Leonard wasn't in, so, but I'll take the fucking victory.
The Celtics will take the goddamn victory.
Oh, but getting back, one of the things, if you're even listening to this,
because my fucking internet's been screwed up.
You know, I love when you look up, like, I tried to look up internet scams,
slow internet.
And then the, you just scroll through page after page, and all it does is tell
you what you can buy to speed up your internet.
These fucking pieces of shit.
So then I had to look up internet provider find.
And then I found what I was looking for, and that was that AT&T got fined, let
me see if I can find it here.
Ah, Christ, where the fuck was it?
They got fined, like, you know, 60 million in data throttling case.
While it seems obvious, it bears repeating that internet providers must tell
people about any restrictions on the speed or the amount of data, I think they
just turn it down at the fucking office.
They try to pull this shit, but they're like, well, if everybody's using it
late at night, it's like everybody's using their cell phones.
I can still fucking talk on mine.
What kind of technology are you guys using?
I don't buy it.
But, you know, there's no, I don't know whatever happened to the Better
Business Bureau.
They used to really go after people, and it meant something back in the day.
Now I just think I just got to, I just feel like calling up my provider and
just being like, look, what the fuck amount of money do I have to give you now
so you let my internet work?
You know, I'm doing podcasts here.
I got no stand-up career left.
Like, what the fuck am I supposed to be doing over here?
Can you just turn up the juice?
You know, I asked my friends, they're all doing, you know, it's all about the
router.
You know, whatever.
Speaking of router, I had fucking Roto-Rooter come over fucking the other day.
Roto-Rooter, that's the name.
And if your fucking shit won't go down the drain, we'll come over.
I forget how the song goes, right?
They came over.
It turns out I got fucking, I got tree roots.
Tree roots and one of the fucking, I don't know, pipes that leads out of the
goddamn house.
But God bless them.
God bless them that they can stick something down there and actually, with a
camera, see what's going on down there.
I can't imagine.
Jesus Christ.
You know when they sit there and they talk about, you know, what happens if you
watch porn?
How bad it is for your brain?
Can you imagine if you watch porn and you work for Roto-Rooter?
And you basically, you know, what do they call that procedure where they stick
the camera up your ass?
Colonoscopy?
You know, you're doing a colonoscopy on a fucking toilet.
And you're going all the way down there and there's tree roots blocking stuff
going.
I mean, Jesus Christ.
I mean, he probably saw, you know, there's probably shit down there that Ben
Franklin took.
You know, I don't know how old this goddamn house is.
Well, Ben Franklin was already dead, right?
Did he drink himself to death?
Doesn't he kind of look like Mario Batali, you know, except like more patriotic?
Hang on a second.
Let's see here.
Ben Franklin.
Ben Franklin.
Ben Franklin.
Let's see.
He lived.
Oh, Jesus.
He lived to be almost fucking 84 years old.
Wow.
What a rich son of a...
And he was a fat bastard, too.
Great genes.
You know, he was confident as shit with his fucking receding hairline and the
long hair.
He sort of had the hockey haircut, you know, on the sides.
But up top, he looks like if he puts your thumb over where his long hair is,
you're like, if you had to guess, you'd be like accountant, politician.
Is that Rudy Giuliani?
You know?
Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin.
He was one of the founding fathers of the United States.
A polymath.
He was a leading writer, printer, politician, philosopher.
This is like what a blogger was back then.
All the shit you had to learn how to do.
The fuck is a polymath?
A polymath, having learned much, is an individual whose knowledge spans a
substantial number of subjects.
Known to draw on complete bodies of knowledge to solve specific problems, the
earliest recorded use of the term in English is from 1624.
And the second edition of The Anatomy of Melancholy.
What in the fuck is that?
Sounds like a Smashing Pumpkin album.
The form polymathis is slightly older.
So this is just a guy that knows a bunch of shit.
It seems like Cliff Clavin.
If you fly a kite deer with a key on it.
Let's see what this thing is.
The Anatomy of Melancholy.
What the fuck is.
I thought it was a book.
The Anatomy of Melancholy.
Full title.
The Anatomy of Melancholy.
What it is with all kinds of causes, symptoms.
Oh, they're trying to.
People were bummed out.
People were bummed out back then.
The fuck would you be bummed out about?
A bear came in and ate your wife, probably.
If you were on the fucking.
At least the food was fresh.
If you could find some, right?
On its surface, the book is presented as a medical textbook.
In which Burton applies his vast and varied learning.
In the scholastic, scholastic, scholastic, scholastic manner to the subject of
melancholy.
Which includes, although it's not limited to.
What is now termed as clinical depression.
Wow.
How the fuck did I get to this on Ben Franklin?
Although presented as a medical text, the Anatomy of Melancholy is.
I would like, if it isn't so fucking ye and all of this old English.
Is that a good book?
I want to see what the, what bummed people out.
Back in the day.
You couldn't shoo