Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-21
Uploaded: 2021-04-12T18:24:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-12. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 12th.
Monday! April 12th! Sorry, I'm yelling. 2021.
Now, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you.
I am recording this the day before, because in a couple of fucking hours,
I'm going out. I'm making the lamp vibrate over here with my screaming.
I'm going, I'm getting my second shot of...
Unser Pfizer! You will be complacent!
Unser der Führer's thoughts!
I'm getting the second shot of the Pfizer.
Now, I have found that some people get a little sick, some people get a lot
sick,
and some people don't get sick at all.
So, what I'm thinking is, it's, you know, how I was raised,
that all comes down to what kind of man you are.
And I know everybody is different, and everybody's brave, and everybody's a
fucking star, you know?
You know, unless you're a white guy that's successful, then you somehow, you
know,
you must have done something fucking evil.
Diddled somebody or whatever, that's sort of the narrative right now.
You know, not defending white guys, but also not vilifying all of them.
You know, kind of being an adult, and, you know, treating everybody like an
individual,
like these fucking crazy lefties act like they do, but they don't really.
Oh, speaking of which, oh, we'll get to that in a second.
Oh, Jesus, I almost forgot that.
I almost forgot what I was going to talk about there.
So, anyway, I think that, you know, I'm just, I'm hydrating there.
I took a little vitamin C pill.
I'm fucking stone sober.
I got great sleep last night.
You know, when you sleep so deep, you have, like, fucked up dreams?
It's probably because I had an Oreo cookie shake with fucking whipped cream on
top.
That's like my fucking bourbon and cigars now.
Once a fucking week, I act like some freckled fucking redheaded cunt from the
1950s
who just finished his paper route.
And I go down to the soda fountain.
I get myself a shake.
Fuck you.
It's all I got left, man.
It's all I got left.
But I love it.
I love being stone fucking sober until about, oh, 730 at night.
And then just those last five fucking hours of the night, or not five hours,
like four or whatever.
It's not even that.
My kids wear me out.
So, I'm usually asleep by 11.
So, if I can just, you know, the last four and a half hours.
Oh, that's still four and a half hours, huh?
Yeah, shit.
If I can just get through that, right, I'm usually good.
So, anyway, I'm going to, I'm drinking a bunch of water here.
Just going to be hydrated and everything.
I did go on a fucking big hike yesterday like a fucking idiot because with
therapy, I'm, oh, Jesus, he's dropping stuff here.
I learned that I work too hard.
Not that I work too hard.
I'm working because of shit I was fucking avoiding.
So, I'm trying to face that shit.
So, I've now decided that I'm going to have one day a week, right, one day a
week where I just don't do shit.
I got one day where I'm not fucking doing shit.
You know, just like the Lord, right?
He made the earth in six days, which is why it's so fucked up because he kind
of rushed the job.
You know, like he already had something else to do.
Guy created the whole fucking universe in six fucking goddamn days.
Puts his feet up on the seventh day.
Oh, did you notice the pedophiles?
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
You know, whatever.
Deal with it.
Anyways.
Yeah.
So, what I'm finding is when I don't have anything to do, I will still fill the
day up.
Oh, I don't have anything to do.
I'm going to play drums.
I'm going to go on a hike.
I'm going to fucking, like a lunatic.
So, I did do that yesterday.
And I just went on a hike.
I didn't stretch or anything.
I just fucking went out.
And I woke up today feeling like fucking Earl Campbell after he played the
Steelers.
So, I had to take an Epsom salt bath.
Just going on a hike.
That's just, you know, it's how old I am now.
It's just what it is.
It is.
Hey, it is what it is.
So, then I was like, you fucking idiot.
You're getting the second vaccine shot.
And you're already putting this pressure on yourself that if you get sick, you're
not a man.
So, I've just been drinking water and, you know, whatever.
We'll see what happens.
But I think it's a combination of everything.
It's also how you, you know, just how it affects you and your DNA bullshit.
But then I also think, I would say that that's probably 30% of it.
And the other 70% is basically how much of a fucking pussy you are.
You know, there's some people, they get a cold and they just sort of shake it
off and continue their life.
And then there's other people that are, you know, actually smart.
They kind of shut things down and rest up.
You know, if you're doing that, that's smart.
But if you're the person who acts like you now have Ebola, you know those
people?
They just get a fucking cold and they think they need to go to the doctor.
I think those people affect, are sort of affecting, you know, people talking
about like that second vaccine shot and how they feel.
Because I know somebody who works out like a maniac and is in really great
condition.
And she got the Johnson & Johnson, you know, two for one, bing, bang, boom, you're
done.
And she didn't even get sick.
So, I don't know.
I'm kind of looking at that.
I kind of look at like the way that I look at like golf.
How golf, so many of the people that play it are just not athletes.
So, this idea of how difficult the game is.
Obviously, playing it at the level that these guys at the Masters are playing
it, which I'll get into in a minute.
I'm really enjoying watching that this year.
Playing at a pro level is fucking incredible.
You know, being a scratch golfer is incredible.
But all those people that are trying to break 100, break 90, break 80, it's
just like, what sports have you excelled in?
There's so many people out there.
Like, people who suck at sports are not going to go down to Venice Beach and
get in a pickup basketball game.
They're not going to play touch football.
They just, they don't play sports.
But this, the thing about golf, I know I've said this, is people are there
because they're in an unhappy marriage.
They're there because they want to make connections, you know, and they buy the
whole stupid outfit.
And that's what, golf is the only fucking sport where they literally change the
equipment to try and they adjust the equipment to how bad a golfer you are.
If you have a hook or a slice, they will give you a club where you don't have
to change your fucking swing.
The club does it for you.
And as I've maintained during all of my rants about golf is that they have not
redesigned the football, you know, so someone who can't throw the thing can now
throw a fucking tight spiral.
That's my thing.
You'll hit it longer and straighter with this club face.
I don't have to do any work myself.
Nope, nothing.
Let the club do it for you.
This goes back to the virus thing where I just think that those fucking people
are dragging the curve down.
So I'm anticipating I'm going to feel like a little bit under the weather.
But other than that, I think I'm going to be fine.
And my wife's already giving me shit because she goes, OK, now you're getting
the shot today.
So on Monday, you can't do anything.
So I'm like, fine, I'd love to have a day off.
Great.
And I go, I really think I'm going to be fine.
I go, you know, I really just think a lot of people, they're just fucking pussies.
Like anything that fucking happens, it's just like chicken little, like the
fucking sky's falling.
Right.
And she's just immediately going, like, you know, Bill, you know, a lot of
people, they're different.
They're just not wired the way you're wired.
And then I realized, like, that she hasn't gotten her second shot yet.
So by me saying that, I'm putting pressure on her to not be, like, whining the
next day.
So I was like, all right, I get it.
I get it.
All right.
Sorry.
And you know what's going to happen?
I bet she doesn't get sick at all.
And I bet I'm going to be going like, oh, my God, you got to take me to the
hospital.
So anyway, that's what I'm up to.
I did a couple of really, really fun shows.
I did a show in a parking lot outside of a gym.
Because that's where we're at as we wait for people, the smart people to go out
and get vaccinated.
Or the sheeple, as the people, as they say on the Internet, that listen, they
don't listen to doctors, but they listen to their friend who Googled something
on the Internet.
Like, the Internet is like, you know, there's no rules of libel or slander on
the Internet.
You can post whatever you want and say that it's true.
Just know that.
It's probably not a good place to go to get information.
Yeah.
The next thing you know, you're dressed like a buffalo and you're running into
the Capitol with no shirt on and your face painted.
Like, that's what happens when you go on the Internet and if you start Googling
shit, that can happen to you.
You know?
And I'm not shitting on that guy.
That guy came so close to being a face on our money for the next 200 fucking
years.
He was right fucking there and then it all fell apart.
So, you got to tip your fucking buffalo hat to him for having the balls to go
after a dream.
I never get mad at that.
Anyway.
So, and then the next night, I went down and I returned to that.
I didn't even know it was the same gig because they said it was Hermosa Beach.
If they said Seal Beach, I'd be like, wait a minute.
Is this the same fucking place?
Um, that I went, you know, a while back where they were like, yeah, we don't
have COVID down here because of the sea breeze or whatever the fuck they were
saying.
And I went down there and it was the same fucking place.
But I didn't run into that lady.
Um, but everybody this time down there was wearing masks, which was cool.
You know, there was still the people that like, I just don't get the person who
wears the mask and then like goes to talk to you, pulls the mask down when they
go to talk and leans towards you.
It was just like how fucking dumb or just take the mask off.
You're fucking dope.
Fucking dopes.
And I'm also seeing a lot of people like they got one shot and now they're like,
yeah, I've been vaccinated or people just saying I've been vaccinated and they're
just walking around without a fucking mask on.
It's just like the level of fucking selfish fucking behavior.
It's just it's just fucking unbelievable.
It's it's I will never get over just like all it took to derail.
Everybody who walks around talks about how tough they are is that they had to
put on a mask and they just couldn't fucking do it.
I mean, I breathe in my own breath.
It's dangerous.
Acting like it was carbon monoxide, acting like no oxygen was getting in there
and you're going to pass out.
It's like, no, you didn't want to do it because it was inconvenient to you
because you are an individual, you know, while they all go support the troops,
America, love it or leave it and all that.
And then the pandemic happens and it's all just like, this is all about me.
I love that all these fucking red state cunts started fucking acting like lefty
celebrities.
They got their own fucking sitcom.
I am not coming out of my dressing room until everything, all of my demands are
met.
Did you see that douchebag?
They told him, put a mask on in a store and he had like a gallon of milk and he
fucking spiked it like Gronkowski in the store and walked out literally like a
fucking two year old.
Because he couldn't wear a mask for fucking 11 minutes to go in and shop for
groceries.
Un-fucking-believable.
We'll never, never, never fucking get it.
I shouldn't just put that on people in red states because I saw a lot of blueies
out here doing the same fucking thing.
However, I did want to talk about this as far as like, because this thing, I'm
going to get my fucking vaccine, second one today.
And then, you know, technically, I think after a couple of weeks, like I won't
have to wear a mask, but I'll still wear one just to not make other people
uncomfortable.
Thinking