Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-21
Uploaded: 2021-04-26T17:01:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
um april 26th day we're almost through another one oh what a two what a thought
how do i turn
the volume down this seems a little loud here it seems a little loud oh jesus
you know i watched
that pope of greenwich village i was telling you guys that on saturday saturday
and i can't get the
summer wind was blowing in from across the sea you cannot get that song out of
my fucking head
it lingered there to touch your hair just fucking amazing lyrics um anyway i am
back here
i'm going going back back to cali i'm back in los angeles um i had a great time
on the acting gig
and uh i just got some great feedback from the director very excited very
excited it was a
fucking killer role you know it was written amazing and all i had to do was
just say what they wrote
that's that's how i do it okay
if you want if you want to be seen
as a good actor you you just
let everybody else do the heavy lifting
let somebody else write some great shit for you to say and you will always look
good that's that's
how i do it um you know because i'm limited all right go fuck yourself i i do
what i can i do what
i can so anyway uh as of this afternoon 3 30 p.m all freckles old billy red
balls is fully vaccinated
i got my second vaccine two weeks ago i'm all fucking good so i figured this
fall tour might be happening
with the amount of people getting vaccinated and then the amount of people that
got covid already
so they have antibodies i think we can you know maybe i can play a 200 seater
maybe uh you know people can be sitting next to each other eating jalapeno poppers
like the old days
oh that would be great oh the summer wind came blowing in into the funny bone
in springfield illinois or fucking st louis i don't care i just want to do some
stand-up comedy
in a venue that is indoors to ba do ba do ba do ba doop
and not have to scream over some fucking highway traffic
so anyway um i'm almost at the end of the second straight month
of being stone fucking sober
um so whatever i gotta do something here i'm gonna have a cigar next week i'm
gonna get all
the way through april and then i'm gonna sit down and i'm gonna look through
all the fucking cigars i
have gonna give away a lot of them but i'm gonna have a nice fucking stick i'm
gonna shit down in a
fucking lawn chair i'm gonna put on a baseball game on a transistor radio i'm
gonna go total fucking old man
right shorts dark socks sock garters sitting in my driveway with a giant
fucking umbrella over myself
while my kid's at school so she won't see me smoking um so i can set an example
that's what you do that's you set an example by pretending to be somebody you're
not
hello i am a sober person who tries not to to use curse words swearing
swearing that's how that's how white people used to say it was swearing and
black people said cursing
then somewhere along the line right when hip-hop fucking crossed over white
people started saying cursing
it was swearing when i was a kid
you know and it was ranking on people that was what fucking making fun of
somebody dude he got fucking
busted for swearing and study he was fucking ranking on mark um and the teacher
came in he didn't fucking
he didn't see him um so anyway i had a great fucking day today um i hung out
with my kids my little man is
walking does like four steps um it's i don't know it's awesome and it's also
sad it's like oh i love my
little buddy when he would crawl across the floor you know because i get down
on all fours and i yell out his name and he turns around he sees me gets this
big smile this fucking two and a half teeth on the bottom
he comes crawling over like super fast like a fucking komodo dragon except he's
adorable and won't eat you while you're still alive like those fucking things
um he already loves rough housing and that type of stuff he's he's hilarious
and uh but now he's like standing up but what's cool is is now that he's
almost a little person once they start walking they become like this little
person is he's now um
he's big enough where he can play with his big sister and anybody out there who's
got a couple of kids knows
that amazing magical moment the first time you see your two kids playing with
each other it's the greatest
thing ever and i was worried that you know
you know you always get worried like are they gonna like each other or whatever
and he like absolutely
friggin idolizes her like she comes in the room and he's looking around just
seeing you know because
she's got crazy kid energy just like him and he just he's like i that she
whatever this is that is like
me and he just gravitates towards her so it's fucking awesome man and uh you
know i get to ride bikes
with my daughter today and uh oh and then also i uh you know i drive my old
truck on the weekends i like
doing that shit so i went over and i hung out with dean del rey and uh we went
over to this the big
ford dealership out in the valley because i wanted to look at the colors of the
trucks just to see all
the different options and they kind of got all these different colors for the f-150
they got one it looks
like a fucking root beer color it was fucking incredible they have a shelby f-150
you know
the whole thing with like the shelby skunk stripe down the fucking middle just
an insane insane truck
and then also the last thing which i couldn't believe i mean i'm a ford guy if
you haven't
fucking noticed i fucking noticed i fucking love forts so um i took a picture
of this thing i took some
video of it actually sent it to the guy who rebuilt the engine on my truck they
have um the mach one
mustang it's in like fighter jet gray and it has it's a six speed stick shift
and it's got the white ball
like the old school hearst shifter on it it's just fucking insane
fucking insane
and i was with dean and dean was just basically he was like dude if i had any
gigs on the books i'd
fucking buy that right now
the thing was fucking sick
so um anyway i got to see the velocity blue on an f-150 and it looked really
fucking cool if you have
like if you don't get the chrome if you get like the black grill and everything
but um you know all of
them were like four doors i like the regular cab i don't like the super the way
that they used to
fucking look um when i was a kid i like them uh looking like that so we went
over there and then we went out
and got like tacos at this place uh i think it's taco 1986 or something fucking
amazing
amazing fucking tacos out here that was my afternoon i did that while my
daughter was taking a nap
and then i came back my daughter was still sleeping
you know so i went into the garage back my truck in and then
sat down and i played some drums and then i got a text message that she was
awake
you know i opened the garage door we rode bikes
and uh and then that's it and i'm gonna hang out and have my um
oh i was gonna bullshit you say my once a week fucking milkshake because that's
all i do now
my one evil fucking bad thing that i do but uh i ate like shit when i was out
on the road though
i'm not gonna lie to you
it's all about eating healthy when you go on the road that first meal has to be
healthy for me or i just go
off the rails i literally fucking on the flight home the lady there goes there's
not going to be any food on the flight home
um and i was like oh fuck
so i thought she meant even snacks because they actually brought snacks around
so i went out and just
loaded up and i got like i usually get the small can of pringles potato chips
but all they had was the big
one so i got that and then i was like well i gotta get a soda to go with it i
said pop
as they say in the midwest and i went over and they actually had fucking root
beer so there was that
and then i got a little charcuterie fucking thing
and i just sat there like a fucking
lunatic
pulling my mask down every two seconds just chowing down
and i bought some magazines
i bought this one uh the new yorker that
talked i i got
you know i got through the first third of the story
this poor woman from a certain part of china
where she lives um
i couldn't tell if it was this part of china that has gone back and forth
between
you know mongolia having control of it china having control of it russia having
control of it
and there's some group of people over there that are you know that live there
during all of this
bullshit for whatever reason they're not considered 100 chinese and now they're
getting fucked with it's
just that classic like why can't people just fucking leave people alone
why can't they just let people be free
what the fuck
is wrong with
human beings what is that fucking
flaw how can there be
a god
if this is how human beings like
the fucking
the sick and twisted ones that get to
the fucking top
and just fucking do this sick and twisted shit
it's so fucked up
there's gotta be
you know what it is
is nice people
nice people don't kill other human beings
and psychos kill other human beings
that's how psychos get in control
the day nice people start killing psychos
i think you know that's the day it starts to turn around
how do you get a nice person
you know i think psychos that you know where everybody else tries to live by
the ten commandments
i think psychos live by like like three commandments
that's like you know
but you know uh the fifth commandment does not exist with those fucking lunatics
so not saying i'm you know i haven't broken some commandments here
okay let's be fucking crazy here
uh but i'm just saying jesus christ
kind of a fucking
the fuck is that on the windows
goddamn fucking bugs
the nerve of you to exist here
and here i am right here
breaking the fifth commandment with a fucking insect
um
all right
plowing ahead here
um
so yeah i just don't know
so i was reading that
and then i i got this uh espn the magazine thing on hank aaron
which was that was amazing i read that
and then
i got this time magazine thing that was talking about students
the young kids like they lost like a year of school and interacting with each
other
and like what that's gonna do for them and shit
i didn't get around to that one but um
i don't know
i had a great time though
just fucking
i haven't eaten that bad
like that like as far as just the amount of random shit
always had m&ms
i mean this is like like when i was in junior high
and i would go to lunch
and i didn't like what the lunch was for that day
and then i would just buy
a brownie
the three cookies
some chips
and i don't know what
i remember one time bringing all of that shit over
and this kid looks at me like
dude you're gonna get zits
so anyway
i forgot to tell you guys this fucking story right
um
by the way i did and i didn't i didn't
i did end up going to a museum i went to this native american museum
uh out where i was at and uh
you know it was amazing just the art there was just amazing
and you know just the usual shit and then i was just like yeah they were living
like this they're having a good time and then white people came you know and
then you see the little moccasins you know like there were kids there too it's
just like i just don't fucking get it
you know and then you see the little moccasins you know like there were kids
there too it's just like i just don't fucking get how people can do that to
other people look at this shit you know somebody went out when i was was
telling me about
all right let me see if i can find this uh native
americans i don't know what it was they were basically they they got you know
relocated
to this patch of land that the white people thought was shit
uh
that it turned out to be
they were sitting on top of oil
and uh
you know it was like the beverly hillbillies
rebooted with native americans
except
the beverly hillbillies
when those you know
poor white people found oil
i mean granted it's just a tv show
they fucking they were allowed to keep it
well that's not what happened here
uh
relocated
oil
and we'll put in massacre
and let's see what this com