Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-21
Uploaded: 2021-05-04T20:35:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-04. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 3rd, 2021.
What's going on? How's it going, man? How was your weekend?
Did you have a good one? Did you enjoy yourself? I had a great one. I hope you
did too.
Oh, Bill, oh, did you do a podcast today to throw your air quote, great weekend
in our faces?
Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I had a great weekend and while whilst trying to
control my temper, as I told you guys, I'm not angry anymore.
I understand why I was angry, but I need, I need new coping mechanisms.
I swear to God, if you guys saw what I flipped out about on Saturday, like, and
both flip outs were within, I don't know, like fucking three minutes of each
other.
And I was doing so fucking great. This is what happened. So we decided to have
a little pool day, right?
Get the kids in the pool. Dad's making the burgers, doing all of that shit,
right?
And I did the whole fucking thing, right? I took the solar tap off the fucking
little splashy pool we got there, right?
Of course, it's all fucking turning green and shit. I don't know what happened,
right?
So I got to hose that fucking thing off. The fucking hose I got doesn't have,
like, I don't have one of the, what do you call it? The nozzle thing, right?
So I go to my wife, I'm going to run down to the hardware store, I'm going to
get a nozzle, and she goes, what do you do that for?
I'm like, well, I'm going to get it so I can spray off the tarp, because it's
got a bunch of green shit on it, and I got to get rid of that.
And she's like, okay, is that something we can do after the kids, da-da-da-da?
But she's right. She's right, but I'm like, eh, eh, eh, I want to fucking go
now, right?
Now, now, go now, right?
So I, and I, you know what, I stayed in the pocket, I go, okay, that's cool, I'll
do it then, right?
So I go down, fucking pool, this green-ass goddamn tarp, uh, that used to be
clear, now it's got these green streaks in it that are driving me fucking crazy.
And I walk over to the garden hose just to see what's up, maybe I can just put
my thumb over it, or whatever.
And what's funny is I pull the hose out of the little potted plant that it was
in, and I realized that there was no place to screw it on anyways, it was just,
it just ended as a rubber hose.
This is like, yet another thing, the last people's, everything they fucking did
was cheap, so I got this fucking hose just, I don't know.
So I was like, well, shit, I would have gone to the hardware store, missed out
on, you know, kind of interacting with the family and all of that, and not, I
came back with this fucking nozzle.
And, hey, what, what, what, you know, you ain't got no suit to wear to your job.
I would be, I don't have a fucking, the threads to put this fucking thing on
the, on the goddamn hose.
Jesus, what am I trying to say?
So I was like, well, that actually kind of worked out.
I was able to spray up, you know, put the thumb over, increase the pressure,
whatever.
And, uh, I was able to hose it off, it looked good, got everything out of the
way.
So then, everything's good, we're coming down.
I, I literally look like Robert Young on Father's Knows Best if he, uh, had
some sort of pigment issue.
And, uh, was, was dipped in fucking orange number six, whatever color I am, in
Crayola.
So we're coming down, right, out to the pool.
And, um, you know, we get my son, you know, we get everybody ready, put the sunblock
on, all that type of shirt.
I got my stuff, I got my fucking stupid Hawaiian shirt on that I literally got
in Hawaii.
It's a real one, right?
It isn't.
I got it at a real gift shop in Honolulu.
And, uh, bathing suit on, slathering on the fucking sunblock, right?
I look like I'm about to do some kabuki dance.
I got the shit on so thick, right?
So we go to put my son in the little floaty thing.
And as we're putting it in, the thing is just sinking.
I'm like, what's going on here?
My wife's putting it together.
She goes, yeah, I don't understand he's sinking.
I go, we forgot to blow it up.
It was a new one, right?
So now we go to take it out.
Now there's fucking water in the thing.
I got to squeeze it all out or whatever.
So finally I get all the water out of the fucking thing.
And I go to blow this thing up.
Orally, right?
And, uh, no air's going in.
I'm like, what the fuck?
There's another one.
Maybe this is the one.
Try it on that one.
Nothing's going in.
I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ.
And my wife's like, maybe it's broken.
We have another one upstairs.
So I go all the way upstairs to go get the fucking thing.
Back in the house, go upstairs, go get the fucking thing.
Get it out of the box, do all that.
I go to blow it up.
That one won't take any air.
And I'm just, and that's when I just snapped.
The wind was open and they were down at the pool.
And all of a sudden they just heard their dad just go, really?
I had done like 5,000 fucking things.
I got everything out of the fucking way.
I'm outlining all this information for my instrument exam that should be coming
up in the next couple of months.
I have to do 10 fucking pages a day of the driest, most fucked up shit I've
ever had to try to shove into my brain ever.
I'm sitting there with flashcards making these things before everybody gets up.
I do 19 other things.
And now it's like, okay, I got to have the grill going.
I got to have all the ham.
My wife sees in the hamburger.
I got all of this shit going.
All I need to do is get the kids in the fucking pool.
Get the kids in the pool.
And this motherfucker will not.
So now I have to go fucking on the YouTube to try to find the right floaty and
all of this shit, right?
And, oh, I skipped.
As I went to do that, I go into my son's room and I could smell the diaper
thing needed to be changed.
So I pull the fucking bag out and there's no place to tear it off.
And it just keeps coming out like a magician pulling the fucking shit out of
his mouth.
Like, is this ever going to end?
Right?
And I was just like, what the fuck?
And then I realized it was a new one.
A new style of thing.
And then I just snapped again.
It's like, why do they always have to try to make it fucking better?
I knew how to use the other one.
Screamed that.
And that floated down to the fucking pool.
I don't know if they heard it or not.
And then I figured out, like, it was different or whatever.
And I was like, what the fuck?
And rather than reading the instructions, I just started ripping it out of the
fucking thing.
I undid the whole thing like I was undoing a fucking parachute.
And then I finally looked at it.
Oh, you're supposed to just rip it off and then tie it off.
This is actually probably more efficient because then you can use more of the
plastic as a bag.
So if you've got a really stinky diaper in there, you can just decide that,
okay, this bag ends now.
And so then I tried to repack the fucking thing.
And I couldn't get it back together.
And I just was like, all right.
And by then my wife came upstairs.
Oh, I had just come up to get my son's little hat.
That's what it was.
I had such blind rage in those moments.
I don't even fucking remember what happened.
Then I apologized.
You know, my wife's looking at me like, how many times are you going to
apologize?
I just said, listen, I know that behavior is wrong.
I know that behavior hurts you.
I just, I have 50 years of muscle memory that this is where I go to.
I should have just relaxed.
I should have just looked at the instructions that were clearly written on the
inside of it.
And I wouldn't have done that.
But I didn't.
So, you know.
I think she appreciated that.
But, you know, as much as she hates that I do that.
You know your woman secretly loves when you're that in the wrong.
Because then they get to fucking, you know.
Gives them all this power to just kind of be like, yeah, okay.
Like, whatever, you know.
Or maybe I'm just blaming her because I'm embarrassed by my behavior.
So, whatever.
We ended up going down there.
We had a great time in the pool.
Got some awesome pictures.
And the great thing, if you get a little ass pool like myself, it just wears
them out.
It wears everybody out.
So, then we got them inside.
I made the burgers.
You know, my wife told me, I thought you were going to make them like the guy
made them down the street.
And I was like, okay.
That's not really a thank you, is it?
You know what I should have done?
I should have been like, I just got up and stormed out like she would have.
Instead, I just went like, oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm still making them the way my mom used to make.
You know how your mom makes them, right?
The burger was always like a giant hockey puck, right?
But now how you got to make them is you got to have them long and flat with the
grill turned up so they're juicy on the inside and the edges are crispy because
those are all the fucking rage.
And I got to tell you, they are delicious.
They are fucking delicious.
So, she's just like, yeah, I thought you were going to make them that way.
I was like, and then I'm like, like, you know, compliment boy, like, oh, but it's
still good, right?
Did I do a good job?
She's like, no, no, it's just, you know, I thought you were going to do it the
other way.
Just, ugh.
You forgot to get chips.
Cooking for somebody on a grill on a hot summer day is just the thankless
fucking job, right?
So, at least this is the way, this is my version of it.
So, anyway, we end up getting the kids back inside and they just go down.
They're just out, both of them, for two hours.
It was great.
And I was hanging out with my wife on the couch and I fell asleep.
And my wife was in heaven.
Because all of her kids were sleeping, including myself, the fucking 52-year-old
fucking eight-year-old.
The maturity of a fucking eight-year-old.
Not even an eight-year-old.
It's insulting.
I have the maturity of a fucking six-year-old.
And I'm trying to bump it up to seven.
Okay?
Baby steps.
Literally.
So, and then she was able to chill, you know, and watch her shows.
And we had a great time.
So, if I just, if I just didn't do those two things.
If I just didn't do those two things, we had a perfect, I had the perfect day.
And just me.
Always fucks it up.
I was the one that suggested maybe doing a cookout.
My wife, you know, once we get him in the pool, let's, we should do some
burgers, too.
She was all about it.
She was all excited.
I had her in the emotional state that, that I'm always going for.
Keeping her happy.
Don't be a douche, Bill.
And what does Bill do after all this, yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit?
Flips out about a floaty fucking thing for a pool and a disposable diaper thing.
I yelled probably as loud as somebody when they first discovered they were on
fire.
That's how loud I yelled.
It's ridiculous.
I'm an embarrassment of a fucking human being.
But, whatever.
I got past my other shit.
So, now I just need to, like today, today.
I was, you know, like today I have a zillion fucking things to do.
After I told you guys I was going to stop doing that.
I don't know.
I said fucking yes to like nine things today.
I got like nine things to fucking do today.
And I got to take my kid to the park.
I got to do all of this shit.
Get Mother's Day cards for all the moms in my life.
All of this shit.
And, you know, I'm in the grocery store with my beautiful daughter.
And she's doing, dad, dad, I want this.
Dad, dad, I want this.
Dad, dad, hey dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.
And I never flipped out.
Never flipped out.
I didn't do any like, like, I didn't do any like, you know, that stern talk you
do.
Like, honey, can you just, I'm trying to, you know, I didn't do any of that.
I just kept muttering to myself.
I have a beautiful house with a pool, beautiful kids and a beautiful wife.
There's no, yesterday you flipped out over a floaty tube.
She's like, dad, you're not listening to me.
Just like, oh, Jesus.
But I was able to do it.
So that's my new thing.
Okay.
And, and you know why I was able to do that?
Because I, rather than thinking yesterday, you have a