Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-31-21
Uploaded: 2021-06-01T18:34:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-31-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-31-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-01. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-31-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 31st.
Fuck! Flying through this year.
2021, what's going on? How are ya?
How's it going? I hope you're good. I hope you're doing well and all of that
shit.
I'm doing pretty good here.
Oh man, something happened to me this fucking morning that I swear to God, man.
Back in the day, all right, meaning about fucking six months ago, oh, I would
have carried this one.
Oh, I would have carried this one.
If there's one thing I cannot fucking stand, it's a passive-aggressive cunt.
And you know what sucks is for some reason when I'm on stage, if someone tries
to pull that shit or play the victim or whatever,
I don't know what it is. I'm fucking locked in.
And very rarely does it get past me.
But the second I get off stage, I am defying.
I mean, you just, all day long, I'm a day late and a dollar short.
By the time I figure out, wait a minute, that person was being a fucking
asshole.
I fucking, I got to get better at that shit.
Listen to this, right?
So, um, I'm hanging out with my daughter.
We're having a great time.
We're riding bikes and all that type of stuff.
And she goes, hey, can you take me to this park?
And this park she likes, it's, you know, it's a ways away.
We went there the other day.
There was a bunch of traffic, yada, yada, yada.
So I go, hey, why don't we go, you know, if we're going to drive that far, you
know,
let's go over to this other place, right?
It has these fucking rides and all of this shit, right?
So like an idiot, I forgot that it was Sunday.
And I also forgot that it was Memorial Day weekend.
So I go over there and anybody with a kid is just there and there just to the
ticket booth
is like a fucking, it looks like an hour long line, right?
Hour and a half long, hour, hour and a half, right?
And, you know, but, you know, once the kid sees the ride, it's, it's fucking
over.
You can't be like, you know, you can't be like, oh, you know, the lines are too
long.
We're going to come back tomorrow, the next day.
They're not having it.
So I'm like, all right, here we go.
One of these dad things.
All right.
So I stand in this fucking line and we're standing there, standing there,
standing there,
finally get the fucking tickets.
Then you get the tickets and then you're standing there, standing there, all of
this shit.
Finally got to go on some rides and stuff like that or whatever.
We have a good time.
I get, I get a little fucking snow cone and we're walking back to the car.
And as we go to get to the car, there's this couple just rushing.
I mean, like they robbed a bank.
They, they put their bicycles on top of the car or whatever.
And they had the doors open.
They're glancing at me and they're right next to my car.
All right.
So I open up, you know, the kid's seat.
You're supposed to have the kid's seat in the same side you drive.
Cause they say, God forbid somebody comes at you.
There's a tendency to save yourself just instinctually and you don't want to
turn the car broadside and have them T-bone your kid.
So you want your kid to be with you getting the fuck out of the way.
So, you know, I see the woman sort of clock me trying to get in there and she's,
you know, doing her shit.
Right.
They close up.
They're literally like rushing to get the fuck out of there.
Right.
So I'm like, all right, whatever.
You know, and I open the door and I'm putting my kid in and the guy walks by me
and he goes, we're about to leave.
He looks at me, he goes, we're about to leave.
You know, as I'm opening the door, fucking face all red, sweaty, cunt.
Right.
And I fucking, I'm thinking like, all right.
So I close the door, you know, so they can get past.
And I got in the other side of the car to like strap her into thing.
And they're like backing up.
He sort of looks at me, you know, of course he's not driving.
His wife is fucking pussy.
Right.
And they drive away and then it just hits me like we're about to leave.
What the fuck does that mean?
I'm about to put my kid in the car, you fucking cunt.
We're about to leave.
What the fuck does that mean?
Right.
So now I'm fucking driving the car.
I don't give a fuck.
You're about to leave.
What the fuck is we're about to leave?
Somebody for fucking for the love of God, explain to me what the fuck we're
about to leave means.
That means don't open the fucking door.
I want to back out.
I don't want to fucking wait for you because I got shit to do.
Right.
Oh, stupid freckles figures this out after he gets out of the way.
Like I work for the guy.
Oh, God.
You ever watch sports and the guy, you know, he really, he really wishes he
could have that one back.
Why don't you guys write me in to moments like this.
You wish you could have it back.
What you did or what you said and what you wished you did and what you wish you
said.
Because this is what I wished I did and what I wished I said.
Oh, Jesus.
We're about to leave.
I wish I said, yeah, I'm about to put my kid in the car.
What are you telling what am I supposed to be documenting what you're about to
do with your red, sweaty face?
Why don't you sit down before you?
See, I can't say because my kid was there.
This is what I'd say.
My kid wasn't there.
You know, my kid couldn't hear if he had the fucking earmuffs like Vince Vaughn
and fucking old school.
We're about to leave.
Yeah, I'm about to put my kid in the fucking car.
All right, you sweaty cunt.
Why don't you get in your fucking car and shut the fuck up?
And when I'm done, you fucking back up.
Oh, God, that fucking pissed me off.
After.
After.
But in the moment, what did I do?
Okay.
I closed the fucking door and I got around.
He fucking gives me a look as he fucking...
He's giving me a look.
Jesus Christ, that fucking pissed me off.
And here's the thing.
But here's the fucking thing.
Okay?
If I said what the fuck I wanted to say, or really what my temper makes me say,
because
he reminds me of people from my childhood, that's what's really going on there.
What I, what I, if I said, well, whatever, I'm going to put my kid in the car,
you sweaty
fucking cunt.
Then everybody looking at me is like, I can't believe the guy just snapped like
that.
He just said that in front of his kid.
And then I'm the fucking asshole.
Right?
And that's what I hate about passive aggressive people.
We're about to leave.
We're about to leave.
And he's watching me put a child in the car and he's such a selfish cunt.
He doesn't give a fuck.
He doesn't want to deal with me opening the door and them having to slowly back
out of the
fucking space.
Dude, you should have seen them rushing out of there.
It was like the, they found out, you know, they've been stealing money and the
feds were
about to get to their house.
They were trying to beat him there so he could start shredding documents.
So I guess empathetically, maybe they had somewhere to be.
I don't know.
But there was no please.
Hey, sorry, man.
We're about to leave.
Is there any way just like back?
I know you put your kid in.
I'm really sorry.
It's just, we're late.
Just something like that.
We're about to leave.
What the fuck is wrong with me that that's all he needed to say to me?
And I turned into like his fucking servant.
Fucking can't stand passive aggressive people like that.
They fucking annoy, as you can tell, they annoy the shit out of me, which is
why this week
I'm watching the Real Housewives of Potomac because I finally just given in
that like, you
know, I, you know, what am I going to do?
She's not going to stop watching these shows.
I might as well start watching, right?
So over the years, when I've been watching these fucking lunatic chicks
screaming and
yelling at each other and just saying the worst fucking shit you could possibly
say to another
human being, what has always pissed me off is when finally somebody lunges
across the
fucking table to give somebody the fucking beat down they so richly deserve.
A bunch of people come in and break it up before it can even go down.
It takes me all the way back to when, uh, whatever the fuck Flavor Flav called
that blonde chick
spit in Miss New York's face.
And then just turned around like nothing was going to happen because you know
why?
Because she's never gotten her ass kicked.
That's how fucked up that chick was.
She spit in another human being's face and didn't jump back.
She just did an about face like she made a good point and started to walk away.
And Miss New York was about to just snatch her by her fucking hair.
And then all these other people came in to break it up and they let her get
away with it.
They let her get away with that level of fucking behavior.
And that's why I don't watch that shit because it drives me up.
I fucking hate passive aggressive people.
Guess what?
Guess what?
The thing that I always wanted to have happened happened.
This fucking chick, I forget her name.
She looks like Lady from Lady and the Tramp, right?
She looks just like that Cocker Spaniel is just being a fucking asshole.
Passive aggressive though.
Doesn't have the courage to just be an asshole is being a passive aggressive
asshole.
Now in defense of her, I kind of came in on this episode, but I see this
fucking clip where
she's over the other woman's house.
She's hugging her husband.
The other woman's pretending Monique is pretending to be asleep.
Okay.
Now I would think as a woman, if you just hug somebody's husband and the other
one's pretending
to go to sleep, it doesn't even say goodbye.
You cross some sort of line and maybe you ought to fucking tone it down or have
a talk, but
she doesn't.
She doesn't.
So they go out to this fucking, I don't know what it was.
It looked like a set.
It was allegedly a fucking wine bar.
I don't know what.
And they're out there and they're fucking, you know, drinking wine, having some
cheese.
Everybody's got their little outfits on.
And the lady, the lady there, lady, the fucking Cocker Spaniel starts fucking yipping
at the
Monique chick.
Right.
And it's just going and going and going.
And then the little Cocker Spaniel, who for whatever reason is wearing a
leopard print,
starts prancing around.
What are you going to drag me?
You're going to, I guess that means get your, kick my ass.
Drag me.
You're going to drag me.
Right.
So Monique chick goes, yeah, I'll drag.
And she flips her fucking little fucking Cocker Spaniel ears hanging down.
Right.
She gives him a couple of fucking flips, which is a clear warning of, you know,
this is America.
There's three strikes and you're out.
She did one flip, two flips.
Right.
America's past time.
Take me out to the ball game.
Right.
And then I don't know what happened.
And I think, uh, whatever her name, she grabbed Monique and then that was it.
That was fucking it.
And I'm going to tell you something right now.
I don't know how many people were trying to pull Monique off of, off of this
Disney star,
but they needed another whatever times two or whatever they had.
Cause she fucking grabbed her, slammed her face down onto this table and was
just bam, bam, bam to the back of the head.
I want to say it was open hand.
I hope it was close, but it was open handed.
And then when the beating was done, she just held her down on the table.
And this was the funny thing.
It was all these people go, Monique, Monique, let her go, let her go.
And she would not let her go.
It looked like you ever see like when a hawk is standing on a pigeon and it's
just standing there with its claws in it.
And the pigeons fucking like flooding.
She could not get up and there were men trying to pull her off.
There was nothing they could do.
And she was just holding down on this fucking table, right?
She was letting her think about it.
Okay.
Think about why the back of your head's throbbing right now.
And now you need to fucking cool off smelling this fucking foot cheese that we're
eating with this wine, right?
She had a root going on the fucking thing, right?
And also she plowed through a wine glass in her face and with some wi