Name: Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-21
Uploaded: 2021-06-07T22:10:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-07. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, June 7th, lucky 7th, oh Jesus!
June 7th, 2021, what's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, happy birthday
to me, happy birthday to me, it's coming up on Thursday, happy birthday to me,
I'll be 53.
Yeah! Um, anyway, sorry, can you tell I have a lot of shit to do today, you
feel the frustration? Too much shit and just not enough time, where does the
time go?
Um, yeah, anyway, um, it's a gloomy June, gloom morning out here, out here in
Los Angeles, uh, just dropped my beautiful daughter off at school, it's funny,
today she didn't want to listen to any music, did I tell you the other day we
were going to school, driving to school, and I go, what do you want to listen
to?
And she goes, black and black, because she doesn't know, I keep saying it's
back in black, and now she knows that, but now she thinks it's funny to say it
the wrong way, so she goes black and black, and I go, alright, so I put it on,
and then she goes louder.
Raising her right, raising her right, and now I gotta listen to all this
country music that I'm into, she likes Waylon and Willie, um, that's what you
do, you just, they like their songs, and then you just introduce a new one, and
the first one, they're like, I don't know what this is, and then they know a
few words, then they like it, and then they're into it, and then they request
it, and then you move on to the next thing.
So it's pretty cool, because me and my wife listen to, like, really different,
compared to each other, music, you know what I mean?
So I think she'll have a nice, a wide variety of music that she likes, which is
really cool.
So anyway, yesterday, you know, the whole family, we went over to this amazing
buddy of ours, it was his, their son's second birthday.
So, um, we went over there for this big, the bouncy house, and all that stuff,
and just all of this sugar stuff, so kids were just going nuts, having a good
time, going down slides, and climbing all over them.
It's really, it's really ridiculous, the level that a kid party is now, you
know, it used to just be, you know, you got fake guns and a cowboy hat, and
then everybody went outside, and you reenacted the genocide,
that started this country, I mean, that's what you did, you know?
We weren't like these spoiled kids, with their big, bouncy fucking houses, okay?
Kids, we, we, we understood how this country came about.
It wasn't all fucking cake pops, and fucking puffy shit to fucking slide into.
Um, no, I'm kidding.
Uh, ended up being great, and there was, uh, some people there making burgers,
you know, those ones that I've been trying to figure out how to make the really
flat ones that are crispy but juicy on the inside.
So, uh, the guy running the grill, the flat top grill, broke it down for me, so
I'm gonna try it out.
And, uh, you know, just had a great time showing off my kids, so every kid
there was cool, which is very rare at a kid party.
There's usually some kid with shitty parents, or parents that are going through
something, and the kid's just acting out, and you have to sit there, be, and,
and just be an adult, and be like, okay, that's a kid.
I can't get mad at the kid, I gotta keep my eye on him, you know?
I gotta see where he's at, and where my kid's at, you know, to hell with these
other kids, those aren't my kids.
No, I'm kidding, I actually look out for the other kids, too.
Um, but you gotta keep your eye on him.
What's he gonna do?
What is this little future banker, future politician, future, uh, uh, uh, high
level of executive at some fucking corporation?
What is this little fucking future suit-wearing cunt gonna do next?
Usually, you have to worry about that, but not at this party.
Everybody's kids were cool, you know?
You know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if it's just the time I grew
up in, or that I had fucking orange hair, but I just, like, I just sit there
and watch my daughter going, alright, where's the bully?
It's coming, I know it's coming, it always comes.
And I was just sitting there watching her for like 20 minutes before I realized
that I was like a fucking psychopath, going like, she's playing with the kids,
the kids are fine, everything's fine.
And I literally said to my wife, I go, I can, like, this is cool, right?
She goes, yeah, relax, you're fine.
So I said, alright.
You know?
So I just walked over to the fence and stared off into the woods like a crazy
person.
But anyway, we had a great time, and the day before we went to try and find a
gift for this little boy, and we had gone out to lunch, me and my lovely wife,
and we just wandered into this little kid clothing store, and they had these
toys there.
And I'm noticing the toys are starting to come back around, these little boutique
stores, they have, like, you know, they had these cars that are, like, made out
of wood, and the wheels are made out of rubber and shit like that.
It's actually going back to, like, you know, when I was a kid, that was just
ending, you know?
And I remember my dad would go, God, Christ, these are just cheap pieces of
shit, you know, because the tires would be all plastic.
And I remember when the cars, when, I don't know, by, like, the late 70s, I
remember we needed a new car.
And my dad just complained, look at this dashboard, Christ, it's just, you know,
when I was a kid, Billy, I'll tell you, this was all wood.
It was gorgeous, you know what I mean, and it was, you just had chrome as far
as the eye could see.
Christ, look at this, you could fucking put your fist through it.
And he wasn't wrong.
So, I don't know, it's a weird balance, but you're like, well, you know, and
then if you start making wood cars for all of these kids, you know, you're
going to run out of trees, unless you replant them.
You know, which is, which, what brings back you to why there's pandemics, why
nature tries to thin the herd.
And, you know, we got to fight her back.
What are we going to do, just roll over and let her kill us?
Um, you know, it's a, it's a balance.
You try to find the balance.
So, anyways, I found this really cool.
They, they, it was basically, you know, that great Lincoln Continental, the 60
to like 67 one with the suicide doors.
They had one in all white with like this fender blue, like that surfer blue
that they have on fender guitars, top on it with rubber wheels.
The thing was the shit.
I was looking at it like, I want that.
Um, so we ended up getting them that.
So, uh, you know, figure a little boy, that's what they like, right?
Isn't that what they're into?
I don't know.
Uh, it was funny cause later on that night we came back and, uh, cause at the
end of the party, uh, my buddy was like, Hey man, he goes, I got that Mayweather
Logan Paul fight.
He goes, do you want to, do you want to watch it?
And I, and I laugh.
I go, no.
And he laughed.
He's like, ah, you know, whatever.
Um, it's like, do I want to watch that?
It's like, do you want to watch me go up against somebody who flew the space
shuttle to see who's the better fucking pilot?
Um, do you want to watch the guy who flies the space shuttle act like he can't
fly as well as I can?
Do you really want to sit and pay and watch that?
But, um, but whatever, me and my wife had, had a night out and, uh, I got some
family in town.
So he invited us all over.
I was like, ah, yeah, fuck it.
Let's do it.
So we went over there and, oh my God, Jesus Christ.
All I can say about that fight was I remember a long time ago, um, when I was
just starting out as a comedian and I went into, um, I went into the comedy
connection because it was a famous comic that was in town and I wanted to see
him and he improv'd a lot of his shit.
Right.
And I wanted to see what that was like because I was so afraid to improvise and
shit.
And I went in there and it was like deathly, deathly quiet in there.
Like, it was almost like I walked in thinking there was nobody on stage and, uh,
the guy was on stage and he was just fucking eating his balls.
Like, I don't even know what, I don't even know what to tell you.
All right.
And he got off stage.
It was fucking brutal.
It was one of the worst bombs I ever saw.
And I just remember the crowd was walking out just like, like it was a funeral.
And I just remember this Boston chick walking out and she just goes, that was
the biggest fucking waste of money.
And my, literally my heart like sunk.
And I was like, oh my God, it put the fear of God in me.
I go, I hope nobody ever says that about a show that I did.
Of course that happened, but I just, I never forgot that.
And that's what I thought after I watched that thing last night.
I swear to God, the only reason why I didn't fall asleep was because I, you
know, you be polite at somebody's house.
But like somewhere in the fifth round, when I realized he was just going to
carry him for the whole fucking fight, I just kind of put my head back and
closed my eyes.
Then I was just like, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm up.
Yeah.
So, you know, what are you going to do?
But I mean, you can't be upset if you ordered it.
I mean, the fact that Muhammad Ali didn't knock out Lyle Alzado all those years
ago.
I mean, you know what this is.
Okay.
When the professional is fighting the person that's signing his check, you got
to know that, uh, that, uh, that something is up.
So, um, anyway, uh, moving on here.
Holy shit.
Um, yeah, that was just, I don't even know what that was.
That was just a fucking snooze fest.
Um, let's speaking of snooze fest, Jesus fucking Christ, the Winnipeg Jets.
What are you doing to me?
Can you win a fucking game?
My God, I can't even imagine how many fucking Canadian fans are tuning into
this podcast right now.
Just loving it.
Probably ironed your little pocket square.
I love that.
They say that they wear pocket squares, you know, like they actually have class
up there.
They don't.
They're animals.
And the real French people in France reject you.
And they think you talk funny.
Um, Winnipeg Jets.
Winnipeg.
How about lose a peg?
Jesus Christ.
Am I right, folks?
That was the biggest fucking waste of money.
Uh, Montreal Canadians just fucking taking it to the Winnipeg Jets.
Um, I don't know how good the Winnipeg Jets are, but dare I say, you know, this
Canadian team that was described as pesky maybe is a little bit better than
people think.
Um, all right.
Um, all right.
Now, as boring as that series is, and as Habs fans, you got to be thinking,
okay, if we sweep these guys and just watch the Bruins and the Islanders beat
the shit out of each other, we have a great chance at making the final.
Or is it the finals?
I don't know.
I heard Ray Bork say the finals, so I'll say the finals.
Um, yeah, it's getting very fucking interesting if you're a Montreal Canadian
fan.
Uh, Bruins versus Islanders has just been a fucking great, great series, and,
um, Bruins looking to go up three to one in game four.
Islanders coming out, like, with a sense of urgency.
They jumped on us from the beginning of the game, and, um, I just, you know, I
just, it was one of those games, like, you ever know just three minutes into
the game, you're like, we're not winning this game.
We're not winning this game.
We have, we have about another five minutes to fucking turn this around, or
this shit is over.
And even though it wasn't like, you know, this wide, uh, we were actually
winning the game one to nothing.
Um, I believe all the games kind of run together after a while.
Um, but I got to give a tip of a cap to, uh, if I say his name right, Matthew,
uh, Brazel, Brazel, it's weird, it's Z-A-L, but it's Z-L, Brazel.
Um, anytime you can get a Lady Bing candidate to spear you in the nuts, you
know you're doing your job.
He's basically their, uh, their, uh, Marshawn, you know, which of course they're
going to love him and then say that Marshawn is a fucking dirty piece of shit.
And they're literally the exact same player.
They, the guy that goes up out th