Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-21
Uploaded: 2021-06-17T21:19:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-17. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking
in on you
how's it going how are you are you doing all right you know something i
actually have a
fucking bone to pick with all these nhl fans out there who keep telling me don't
worry don't worry
the canadians are going to lose the next round don't worry uh you know toronto
has they got
them right where they want them they're gonna win the game six they're gonna
win the game seven
toronto's a loser organization winnipeg's gonna wipe the fucking floor with
them mop the floor with
them they fucking sweep winnipeg now they're playing vegas all right now they're
with the big
boys the first couple of rounds you know you can be a decent team you can sneak
through
yada yada yada and what happens vegas goes out wins the first game four to one
or something like that
pretty handily pretty handily i might add and then last night i watched the canadians
come out
and they just fucking jumped on them and they look like two very evenly matched
teams
and uh i gotta tell you something i'm done listening to other people giving me
false hope
you know i feel like waiting for the canadians to leave is like when they when
your flight is delayed
and they just go we're gonna board in another 15 minutes 15 minutes later it's
just gonna be another
15 minutes all right listen you know i hate the canadians i don't really hate
the canadians i hate
their fucking fans you know that but you also hopefully know that i'm not gonna
sit here
like some liberal who jumped all over trump and is now gonna ignore ignore the
fact that joe biden
literally forgets what he's saying mid-sentence and it's not gonna hold his
feet to the fire
i ain't gonna do the sports version of that i gotta give it up
i gotta give it up all right two things all right the habs are a good fucking
team and they got just
as good a chance as anybody winning this fucking thing i hate saying that but
it's true i really
enjoyed watching them play last night and um
actually i had to set aside my hate for their fans and be like wait a minute
bill
your team's out of it right
when whoever hoists the stanley cup you know over their head lifts it the
season's gonna be over
then what are you gonna do there's no more hockey so i am rooting for seven
games
in both of them i'll still you know i'm still rooting for vegas
huh that dirty slimy town
they don't even need to make ice on that fucking thing they're right on this
strip they should just
be skating on all the fucking sleaze of the
sorry anyway
it's a different time bill vegas is for kids now
um
any oh jesus christ you know i saw a clip
from uh
the joe rogan experience podcast i don't know if you've heard of it it's kind
of doing well
um
um he had this guy on i couldn't tell what he was you know that's what i love
about joe's
podcast if i don't know who the guest is the person could be anywhere from an mma
fighter
to a scientist conspiracy theorist nutritionist you have no he's he just runs
the gamut
runs the gamut so i'm sitting there looking at this guy going all right what is
this guy is this guy
is he a big wave surfer
is he uh martial artist
um is he uh you know a life coach sounds like a life coach okay he's going that
way right
you know your brain your brain just your brain is like a casting director it
just whatever it
sees that's what a cast a person has until you hear shit coming out of their
mouth and it's like
oh he's a police officer you know somebody comes in with fat fingers you're
like all right they're
they're a baker
he's needing some dough and he decided to do the podcast so anyways the guy
came in there and he said
that was talking about gambling and the suicide rate and he said that that's
why in vegas there's
no balconies so people won't jump to their death and uh i never knew that i don't
even know if that's
true but that's one of those things you're like wow at what point were they you
know if that is true
the amazing thing about that is at some point the hotels had balconies
so you're sitting there running a casino and people keep jumping to their death
and you're just sitting there you know talking to somebody the phone rings all
right hang on i got
a phone call hello
again
okay is it was it on the lobby side where people could see it
all right okay it's in back all right relax relax this kind of thing happens
all the time
just you know hose them off into the you know right up to the threshold there
try to try to get it on
circus circus's property okay is there anybody else there yet okay we'll turn
on the hose now
all right i'll talk to you later right and he gets off the phone he looks at
the other mob guys it's like
you know we got to get some locks on those doors or the next one we build it
just it just can't have
any balconies all right or maybe the mob didn't give a fuck because you can't
sue the mob
you can sue a corporation but anyway um so two things
the the montreal canadians are a good goddamn team they got just as good a
chance as anybody
because the islanders came in and hit tampa right in the chops game one tampa
comes back
goes oh yeah you think so huh you animals on long island think you're gonna hoist
the first one
since 83 i don't think so right they come in
fucking gave them the business right right up to fucking face washes after the
final seconds ticked
off one of the guys got thrown down on the ice possibly injured i don't know i
don't know who right
all i know is if i ever get a hair system i want it modeled after that number
14 on the
fucking tampa bay lightning i gotta tell you something he he almost got into a
fight and
the refs fucking jumped into it like we were on the real housewives because
they never let him fight
right jumps in the middle of it so then number 14 goes to the fucking penalty
box before he puts his
helmet on he just gives that lion's mane a little shake huh just for the ladies
who are watching
oh man that hurt my me and my bald freckled head i was like god damn it
that fucking guy is she does he even understand how blessed he is um so anyway
i think these are
actually two really great series where everybody you know a lot of people uh i
don't know if it's
called the east anymore i have no idea what the the covid conferences now um i
know people trying
oh no tampa bay is gonna handle the island is no problem well we'll see because
tonight they play again
but uh um i'm really enjoying everything that's going on and i'm already like
all right whatever if the
canadians win it you know what am i am i gonna be that fucking guy who's then
gonna ruin his summer
because some team that's already fucking 30 stanley cups in front of us won
another one i don't give a
fuck so i'm just gonna enjoy all right so there you go there you go you pocket
squared cunts in
montreal i gave it up to you you got a good fucking team you should be very
happy i'm sure you are
um just try to be a little less racist okay before you fucking attack america
again
bunch of animals up there um that's what i always loved about that michael moore
documentary
was it bowling for columbine where he made canada look like and just you know
you go up there and
everybody just you know would you like a shot of syrup everybody's just so
friendly
um all right plowing ahead here um so yeah i said two things the canadians are
a good goddamn team
and secondly kamala harris is going to be your first female president really
quickly
jesus christ we have just been on we have been on a tear the last one two three
four five presidents
you know ever since george bush senior right oh that guy was like the last
class act that's kind of been
there i feel because you know he could have gone in you know after after we you
know we defeated saddam
and kuwait he could have gone in you know to baghdad and he was he played by
the rules he was like you
know what this isn't what we said we were going to do over here we need some
sort of something
or other to go in there we don't have it so when so we stop that's what the he
did right
and the next guy comes in dick hanging out of his pants for eight years you
know
just like i don't know what
bombed the country to get the blowjob press away from him okay and then the
next one we get this
guy hey can't even deliver a speech coalition of the willing which was like his
idea in like rhode
island gets us into a 20-year fucking never-ending war that bankrupts the
country
then the next guy comes in says he's hope and starts drone bombing weddings and
then you got
fucking trump he comes in like you know those neo-nazis say you know they i can
see their side of this
fucking story and then we got forgetful freddy i don't know what we're doing i
kind of feel like
with bill clinton actually you know what i did a movie about this with gary
hart when they went
into gary hart's personal life and he had to answer for his infidelities and
all that
shit all of a sudden once the mainstream press started acting like this is what
i learned on that movie
um that that was the first time the mainstream press started acting like
the national inquirer and ever since then i think that what they go for is they
just go for marrow
with these people that are running for president and they try to dig up every
fucking thing that they ever did wrong and embarrass them and literally ruin
their families
and i think anybody who's like a decent human being who's like i don't want to
put my family through
that is kind of fucking backing off like i don't think i want to go for the
fucking brass ring of
the president's presidency because it just seems weird to me that like i mean
maybe they all of
them were always like that and the press didn't just dig that deep so maybe the
press should just
sort of back off and just understand that people are inherently flawed and we
all made mistakes
myself included everybody's you're a human beast what's so dumb about people
going back into somebody's
twitter account let's go back to see if this person ever made a mistake i found
one stupid so anyway um
oh jesus christ oh billy bake sale um was sitting in the car yesterday and my
jeans were like digging
into my fucking waist and i was like all right this ends now all right this
ends now so last night
um this is what i did i actually had my slice of cake earlier in the morning
i'm not throwing out the cake all right what happened was i had a surprise
party that my
unbelievable wife got for me if you haven't been listening to the podcast and
then somebody ordered
this delicious cake but it was from another restaurant so because of covid they
couldn't cut the
fucking thing up so we took it home and there it sat and i sat across from it
and i fucking
basically ate three quarters of a three layer chocolate cake with yellow cake
with chocolate
frosting i enjoyed every fucking bite as i did it and then afterwards i would
have like heartburn
because i was i was making i was taking like fred flintstone cuts out of the
thing
um literally the reason i had to quit drinking is why i can't have a whole cake
sitting in front of me
because i just look at it not much like i gotta have it man i look at it like a
challenge
i bet i can finish that before it goes stale i used to look at bottles of bourbon
i bet i can finish
that in three nights a third a third a third a little more than the third right
33 33 34 i can do it
right so um last night i went on a uh i stopped eating at five o'clock could
have ate a little
better but you know i'm easing into this and then i went for a nice walk an old
man walk listened to
some music and all of that crushed some waters before i went to bed got a nice
night's sleep and i'm just
going to be doing that because i am not going to be uh billy fat tits when i do
my show in vegas
all right nobody wants to sit in 110 degree heat and look at an overweight bald
ginger okay and i respect
that see that's the difference betw