Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-21
Uploaded: 2021-07-06T19:46:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-06. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for July 5th, fucking 2021.
How's it going? How the hell are ya?
How was your weekend? How was your 4th of July weekend? Did you have a good
time?
Did you cook some burgers and dogs and maybe some chicken and some hogs and
some fucking, uh, some veal, veal cutlets?
Did you have a big bag of potato chips? Did you drink too much?
Did you say that thing you shouldn't have said, but then you said it and it
didn't even feel good because everybody looked at you like you were the asshole,
even though you don't think you are?
Is that how you celebrated the birth of America?
Happy birthday to America.
Happy belated birthday to America.
Happy belated birthday, dear America.
I'm very thankful these fucking lunatics didn't burn down all of Los Angeles.
I will tell you, you really see the lack of power that law enforcement has if
everybody just decides to ignore one law.
They just get overrun every year out here.
During, um, sorry.
Fucking can't stop yawning. You know why? Because it's 548 in the morning.
548 in the morning.
I gotta help my wife with the kids today, so I woke up early.
I was having stress dreams because I knew I had to knock the podcast out
because I got two other fucking things I have to do, right?
And I'm telling my wife, you know, I got all this shit I have to do.
And I see the look on her face like, well, what the fuck? I got the kids all
day.
Are you going to be able to help out?
You know?
So I get up early.
Oh, freckles.
I wasn't done with my beauty sleep.
I wasn't done dreaming.
I was having all these fucked up dreams.
I think it was the stress of all the shit that I had.
For some reason, I owed...
I owed people money.
And I was driving around.
Like, I had a bookie I had to pay off.
And it was weird.
Like, I had the money.
I had the money, but I couldn't fucking...
I couldn't find the guy.
And then I finally gave it to the guy.
And he opened it up.
And, like, marinara sauce went all over his face.
I had, like, a fucking racist dream about fucking Italians.
I owed this Italian guy money.
And he opened it up.
And all this fucking pizza sauce went on his face.
And he's looking at me like, are you out of your mind?
Because it was all over the money, too.
And I was saying to the guy, I was like, dude, I don't...
I was like, I don't give a fuck about money.
I'm just, you know, I'm sorry.
I don't know how it got like that.
None of it made sense.
Didn't even make sense to me.
But it's like, I wouldn't try to openly disrespect you.
Because I know who the fuck you are.
I don't know what any of this dream meant.
All right?
And then there was somebody in the middle of it somehow.
I'm not going to name names here.
I saw this other comedian.
And I owed him money.
No, I didn't owe him any money.
I gave him something.
So, fool, he had these fancy fucking...
He had slippers on.
These fancy fucking slippers that were all monogrammed and all this shit.
And somehow some sauce got on his slippers.
So then the mob guy goes, I ain't accepting this fucking money.
And by the way, you owe so-and-so some new fucking slippers.
So then I got mad at him.
And I said, listen, I know I owe him slippers.
I was going to fucking buy some anyways.
But not because you fucking told me I have to.
Then I was thinking, why am I yelling at this guy like this?
This guy's going to fucking kill me.
And then I woke up.
That was the end of the dream.
I don't know why there was pizza involved.
Maybe because I'm on a diet.
And I'm trying to lose the weight.
You know.
Well, Freckles lost his two to three pounds this past week.
I'm down to like, you know, 186, 187.
After tipping the scales at almost fucking 190.
I'm on my way in the other direction.
Despite the fact everybody's telling me I look fine.
You look great.
I think you look fine.
I think you look fine.
I look fine.
I put on fucking 15 pounds of chocolate cake.
I don't look fine.
You have body dysmorphia.
I hold myself to a higher standard.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You think I was Karen Carpenter.
Your face looks better.
Does it?
With all that frosting in my cheeks.
So anyway, I did pretty good when I was out in Los Angeles.
It was my first road date.
My first road date indoors.
Official ones.
I played at the Cosmopolitan.
I did three shows.
I had a great time.
And I'll tell you what is really fucking amazing about stand-up comedy.
After the last year and a half.
Basically not really leaving Los Angeles.
You know, Los Angeles.
My act became very regional.
I can't say it became regional.
It just, I just became used to the sound of Los Angeles crowds.
In the first show Friday.
That I did.
When you go to Vegas.
And it's a cross section of America.
People from all around.
Waddle on the planes.
With their tank tops.
And their flip-flops.
To walk.
Just walk around casinos.
Looking at shit.
And not really gambling anymore.
It's the weirdest thing about Vegas now.
Now it's like, you know.
It used to just be.
Right?
This is where you came out to go fucking gamble.
And bring your goomba.
So she quit fucking bitching at you.
You know.
She quit bitching like Lewis Hamilton.
I didn't even see that fucking race.
I got it taped.
I'm going to watch it today.
But I guess.
Max Verstappen won again.
So of course the fucking story isn't that Max won.
It's that Lewis didn't win.
Didn't win.
And he's complaining.
Like oh he's not fast.
I mean he has a better pace.
He has a better.
I mean.
Lewis do you think he can win?
No.
No with the car that we have.
We're not.
I think they got even faster.
And we're not getting faster.
He's just going to win.
And all I have to do is.
You know.
I'm just competing for second or third place.
It's just like buddy.
You got your own fucking private jet.
It's fucking.
It's sick.
Fucking thing is sick.
It's fucking this maroonish black.
It's one of the sickest fucking planes I've ever seen in my life.
What are you fucking whining about?
You win the goddamn championship every fucking year.
I mean.
How much does it have to be tilted in your fucking favor?
The whole fucking thing.
I have to have the best car.
The most money.
Every fucking week.
Or else I fucking whine about it.
Jesus fucking Christ.
These stupid fucking people in the press.
Like that's the story.
The story is either he wins.
Or how does he feel that he didn't win.
And meanwhile somebody else is winning the race.
A guy by the name of Max Verstappen.
Who now has a sizable lead.
A sizable lead.
Hey is there any way everybody who covers racing.
Could fucking tell me.
You know.
How Lewis Hamilton feels.
About being.
Fucking a whopping 18 points behind.
Let me guess.
He's not happy about it.
156 points.
To 138 points.
Alright.
This is what's fucking hilarious.
Max Verstappen has four wins.
He's got three wins.
So like you're one race behind.
What are you fucking crying about?
I don't know.
I got to stop reading that shit.
And just watch the goddamn races.
They always do shit like that.
In every sport.
They just have.
There's the one fucking diva.
That the whole fucking thing pivots around.
And if they don't win the whole.
Like no matter what.
You're just going to have to hear from this person.
So then when it ends up happening.
You end up resenting the person.
Maybe it's the press.
I should be upset with the fucking press.
That they're not covering Max Verstappen.
Who's been driving for fucking Red Bull all of these goddamn years.
Stuck with them.
I didn't hear that guy bitch moaning and complaining.
Every fucking week being like.
Oh Mercedes Benz has all the fucking money.
If I fucking drove for them.
I fucking win every fucking race too.
I don't hear that every fucking week.
I'm not even mad at Lewis Hamilton.
I just didn't get enough sleep last night.
I'm trying to fucking plow through this podcast.
That's what the fucking problem is.
Right.
Right.
Fuck it now.
So anyway these.
These people come out there to Las Vegas and.
From all over the country.
And the first show I did.
Just the sound of the crowd was so different than what I was used to.
And the things that made him laugh.
And didn't.
Was just subtly different enough.
To kind of throw me off for like the first 10 minutes.
You know.
I was like.
What the hell's going on here.
Plus I went out there.
And I did the worst thing ever.
Is I made like a.
I made a set list.
You know.
Which I kind of do.
Normally.
But like.
For some reason.
It like put me in my head.
Rather than trying to flow.
Because I was trying to mash together.
Shit I was doing before the pandemic.
And then.
This shit afterward.
And then.
I finally figured out that like.
Dude.
Just do what you always do.
Go out there.
And talk about the newest shit you have.
That's the most exciting to you.
And then.
Your shit will naturally.
Like.
Weave its way in.
The old stuff.
You'll say something.
With the new stuff.
Which will be like.
Oh.
That relates to this idea.
And then talk about that.
And then you'll start flowing.
So it took me the whole fucking weekend.
To figure out to do that.
The shows went great.
But I'm just saying.
Like.
I was up there.
Literally like.
How the fuck do I do this again?
I don't really remember.
But.
I don't know.
I really had a great time though.
But I had to kind of remember.
I don't know if I ever told you guys this.
I do this thing when I walk to the microphone sometimes.
I'm sort of like.
I don't want to tell you guys.
Because then you guys will be like fucking looking at me as I'm doing it.
I do this little fucking thing that empties my brain.
That has nothing to do with my act.
Has nothing to do with the fact that I'm walking onto a stage.
I just fucking.
You know.
Ah whatever I'll tell you.
I just.
I sing a stupid song that doesn't even fucking exist.
It's just dumb.
And it doesn't make any fucking sense.
And I just empty my fucking brain.
So when I walk up there.
I'm not thinking anything.
So then I won't go into robot mode.
Of like.
Good evening.
How is everybody?
Oh that is fantastic.
And now here's the idea that I already knew I was going to talk about.
20 minutes ago when I made this fucking set list.
And now I will be way inside the back of my head.
Trapped in my act.
Over the next 60 to 90 minutes.
So.
I kind of forgot how to do all of that shit.
I worked it all out.
Basically within the first like 20 minutes of the first night.
And then over the course of the weekend.
Sort of the order.
Of things that I wanted to talk about naturally.
Like fell into place.
And.
It was.
Yeah.
It was just a fucking amazing weekend.
I had all these people come out to see me.
Friends that I haven't seen in a while.
And.
The only bad thing of the weekend was I went downstairs.
And I wanted to get something to eat.
Right.
And.
They got this hot chicken place there.
All right.
And I go down there.
And there's like a fucking two hour line.
I'm like.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
Why does every fucking hot chicken place have like a fucking hour long line.
Why is that shit so goddamn popular.
Do you know they got this fucking place out here called Howlin' Rays.
All right.
I remember that place when it used to be just a food truck.
And this is back before I was shaving my head.
And I would just buzz it down.
And I used to buzz it down like once a week or something like that.
To keep it fresh to death.
So I fucking.
I would go over there.
And the food truck would just be sitting outside this fucking barbershop that I
went to.
Like every other week.
It'd just be sitting there.
And I would just walk up to it.
Maybe there'd be one other person in line.
And I was like.
This is a fucking really good chicken sandwich.
This might be one of the best chicken sandwiches I ever had.
I told my wife about it.
We would have them.
And we enjoyed it.
We walked up.
Hey, how are you, sir?
With your freshly buzzed fucking cue ball head.
Nice.
Oh, I am doing fine.
Well, what can we get for you?
Oh, I would like one of these.
All right.
Well, it'd be this much money.
Well, here's your money.
Thank you