Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-21
Uploaded: 2021-07-08T18:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-08. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking
in on you
seeing how you're how the fuck is your week going huh right now okay if you get
to punch
one person in the face what's the first face that just popped into your head
yeah what punch would
you throw what would you like their reaction to be if you have quick answers to
all of these
questions you are working the wrong job and over the next hour i'm gonna tell
you how to make your
dreams come true so you don't drive to work thinking about punching someone in
the fucking face
i love that shit over the next hour i'm gonna fucking act like i'm gonna tell
you something
while i'm really not and eventually there's gonna be a fucking link
i know this is gonna cost money because what you're claiming is ridiculous so
just show me the link
you know since the beginning of time people have been trying to lose weight
that statement makes no
sense they were trying to gain weight it was caveman days i don't give a fuck
it's advertising
there's been all kinds of exercise equipment and fucking this and fucking that
but what happens
you end up putting the weight right back down well you know what over the next
hour i'm gonna tell you
the secret that all these hollywood celebrities all of these ufc shredded guys
all of these fucking
skinny ass supermodels that do it
it's called chew and spit no fucking with you um i am in a great mood i'm in a
great mood baby
i am i uh i've been working out now i didn't reach my goal of getting down to
186 pounds i missed it by a pound
all right it's it's it's what what am i gonna quit
huh am i gonna take my sneakers off walk out of the gym with my head down
wearing my socks
because i hear people in the background like hey where are you going
game's not over yet
whatever i'm fucking i'm on it
the world has no place for a fat ginger
or maybe they want one but i'm not filling the void
you ain't getting this pasty cunt not today baby
not tomorrow either um yeah it worked out today and i felt fucking great
you know going to vegas fucked me up a little bit like it does for most people
and then it took me a couple days getting back to get back on the horse which
is today wednesday
all right
and i'm making a comeback
the same way the montreal canadians
refuse to get swept
all right tampa
all right you're up three games to none
all right you're 18 million dollars over the salary cap
but for some reason that's not considered a fucking cheating advantage
there's all these fucking articles
saying oh what they did isn't cheating it's fucking brilliant
that guy had a legit hip injury
oh yeah and he and then he comes back the first game of the playoffs
you know okay if if that is not
manipulating a fucking system
that isn't fucking cheating
but letting a cunt's hair worth the air out of a football is
i don't think i want to be a sports fan anymore
um
yeah i'm actually kind of rooting for the canadians
now that i know that these fucking cunts are 18 million dollars over the
fucking cap
and it's legal
they didn't do anything wrong
this guy actually wrote an article just saying you're just being a jealous
bitch
it's like no no i'm not because i watched my team get raked over the coals
every fucking time somebody came out and i don't know
turned a fan on on this on the fucking sidelines
i saw my team people would just make shit up and espn would run with it
for years that whole bullshit
oh they tape recorded the practice
it was complete fucking bullshit
and those fucking pussies
at espn did their retraction at like one in the morning
three years later
was not covered
and then meanwhile i'm supposed to sit here and be like oh okay
all right so you figured out a way
a legal way that you can be 18 million dollars
over the cap and you're not cheating
so then in the same way
these people that have offshore accounts
you know
throughout the fucking whatever the caribbean or the canary islands
and they go from one island to another
which is a different country
and they grease the bankers and the lawyers and everybody
and politicians and every one of those islands
you know
like
you make a zillion dollars
and then this company that doesn't exist
and barbados fucking bills you for a zillion dollars
and then this other company bills that company for a billion dollars
in a different island
and so on and so forth
till they get to the last fucking island
and then the last island
then
that company that doesn't exist
that billed that other company
that other company
that doesn't really fucking exist
then gives you the money back
in the form of a loan
which is not taxable
and you're gonna air quote
pay the loan back
but guess what
the company
for no good goddamn reason
forgives the loan
and that's how you live tax free
totally fucking legal
so what am I supposed to say with that
that's not cheating
all right
go fuck yourself
and fuck the canary island
fucking tampa bay lightning
oh his hips all better
just in time for the playoffs
I'm actually rooting for the canadiens
that'd be great
just watch him come back
the ultimate loss
and I felt it too
as a bruins fan
the fucking goddamn filthy flyers came back
I remember that
Gagne
Simone Gagne came back
and Craigie went down
with an injury
we had three games
to none lead
and that just disappeared
and I remember watching game seven
in this club
that was sort of like a dance club
and a bar
and there was about
fucking 40 hardcore Bruins fans
out in the back patio
in silence
watching us lose that last fucking game
I'm wishing that on Tampa Bay
and I'm a Bruins fan too
all right
and it's not because
yeah I don't
you're gonna fucking give my Patriots
all of that fucking bullshit
and not give them their fucking due
as they dominated the league
for two goddamn decades
and every fucking hangnail
you could find
you tried to fucking
and then these cunts
could be 18 million
oh yeah sure
you know if you look at it
it's uh
it's not shit
all right
is that what you're gonna say
I don't give a fuck
I don't give a fuck
cause I got the endorphins
flowing through me
an elliptical
an old man's best friend
it's like you're running
but you're not hitting the pavement
you're wearing out your hips
but who gives a shit
whatever
I'll get hip surgery
you know
and then I won't do the road
and I'll come back
the night of my special
to collect all that
streaming money
um
anyway
um
I'm fucking with the
Tampa Bay Light
but not really
uh
oh is it legal
did they find a loophole
was it genius
I mean
that tax evasion
is fucking genius
I mean that's a ton
of fucking work
there's so much work
involved
figuring out
who the fuck
you have to pay off
in each goddamn country
that I
in a way
I mean
it'd be easier
just to write a check
to the fucking
federal reserve
you know
which isn't really
a federal entity
which is a private corporation
who takes everybody's
fucking money
including the governments
got us all on the hook
but you know
they're not
they found a loophole
they found a loophole
um
the Phoenix Suns
your Phoenix Suns
with a gorilla mascot
that has never made sense
but it's still one of the
best mascots in the league
I gotta look it up
why a gorilla
is
is
is
I almost said
Roger Paul
Chris Paul
Roger Paul
is the first guy
that I sent a tape
to in New York City
that told me
I had a future
I still remember it
he said
hey Bill
this is Roger Paul
I sent him a VHS tape
I just got your tape
of me
killing
at Dick Doherty's room
at the Grill 93
in uh
Andover
Massachusetts
I believe
93 North
it's one of the great
stand-up rooms
I was ever in
so everybody killed there
so you would tape
so I taped there
and I sent it down
to this guy
Roger Paul
and he said
Bill I saw your tape
you
have a major career
ahead of you
he called it
he knew
he knew someday
I'd be in the middle
of a fucking
COVID thing
standing next to
a fucking highway
screaming my jokes
at people inside of cars
he saw it
he saw the major career
no I'm kidding
um
but I
I saved that message
on my answer machine
and listened to it
like a thousand
fucking times
I still remember
all those early ones
I remember
Louis Ferranda
you know
the great
tomato gardener
that he is
at Caroline's Comedy
I still remember
his thing
he's like
Billy
this is uh
Louis Ferranda
from Caroline's
I saw your tape
you're very funny
that's the way he did it
it was all sort of like
in a riddle
sort of form
I'd like to
see you at my club
I remember that
I was just
I was sitting
in my railroad
walk through
bedroom apartment
on the Upper East Side
screaming in silence
like
yes
it's all happening
um
anyway
Chris Paul
not Roger Paul
Roger Paul
who booked me
on one of my
first road dates
when I first got
I never even
told him this shit
he booked me
in some room
in fucking
way up there
in Vermont
way the fuck up
I just remember
he got on 87
and right
like the last sign
was
do you seriously
want to go drive
to Canada
right now
that was your exit
and then you
fucking went over
the river
into fucking
Vermont
and I worked
with this fucking
passive aggressive
asshole
um
I was a young
kid and he was
like 10-15 years
older than me
and I was
headlining
and he wasn't
so right there
there's gonna be
friction
but he acted
like he was
my friend
so this fucking
cunt was supposed
to do 20 minutes
the first
show
he did
35
so I kind of
said to him
oh sorry
I didn't know
where the light
was
and I was like
alright
and then the next
show he did
37
he did one
show Friday
and two on
Saturday
or something
like that
and all I
remember
was he just
kept saying
oh sorry
he would talk
to me
and all that
shit
and then on
the last
fucking show
because what
he was trying
to do
was wear out
the crowd
he did
50 fucking
minutes
50 fucking
minutes
this fucking
piece of shit
who I never
saw again
I never
saw him
again
and I went
up there
and I was
so fucking
mad at him
and then I
had to do
45
after he had
totally burnt
out the crowd
and they were
hammered
that was
that was
what happened
when you
were coming
up
and
you know
this was
the early
to mid
90s
so this
was a guy
who was
probably
headlining
in the 80s
and then
he dipped
down
and it
became my
fault that
he didn't
get where
he wanted
to be
during
the comedy
boom
and now
it was
like a
lull
so but
that's not
what I
want to
talk
I want
to talk
to you
about
Chris
Paul
who
might
I
believe
would
get
his
first
ring
all
right
they
win
game
one
was
it
118
to
108
or
something
like
that
I'm
hoping
it's
going
to be
a good
series
Giannis
oh god
I had
it
right
last
night
Ante
DiCumpo
I don't
watch
enough
hoop
was
playing
last
night
which
was
great
I know
he's
not
100%
with
his
knee
but
I'm
hoping
that
there'll
be
a
nice
classic
game
seven
I'm
thinking
the
last
fucking
time
you know
the
Phoenix
Suns
and the
Bucks
were like
two
powerhouses
they had
to have
been
the
1970s
you know
then the
first
half
like
70
to
75
even
though
I know
Charles
Barkley
led
the
Phoenix
Suns
I
mentioned
that
last
night
in
1993
they
went
to
the
NBA
finals
so
I
am
and
it's
the
finals
it's
the
Stanley
Cup
final
it's
the
NBA
finals
so
I'm
going to
be
watching
that
and
I'm
going to
be
watching
hopefully
the
Canadians
win
another
game
you know
what I
mean
and
gradually
have the
greatest
comeback
in
Stanley
Cup
final
history
I'm
now
rooting
for
them
as
a
Bruins
fan
which
I
cannot
fucking
believe
because
no
one
before
I
found
out
they
were
18
million
over
the
cap
was
rooting
hard
every
round
I've
been
rooting
against
these
fucking
guys
because
I
want
the
curse
of
Patrick
Waugh
to
continue
because
that's
all
I
got
okay
and all
Canadians
fans
have
is
hey
you
remember
last
century
when I
was
30
years
younger
and
we
used
to
win
it
you
know
I
mean
if
you
go
back
45
years
we
used
to
win
it
all
the
fucking
time
that's
all
they
got
like
their
theme
song
is
that
Bruce
Springsteen
song
glory
days
they'll
pass
you
by
glory
days
when
you
boo
and
Patrick
Waugh
you
fucking
cunts
I
want
to
do
that
so
bad
but
now
I
can't
all
right
it's
gotta